Just Ain't Enough
by xx-elsewhere
Summary: Broken from her past, 13 year old Julia runs away from foster care and New York City. She ends up at Seattle Grace Hospital, looking for no one else other then the famous Derek Shepherd. Will he help her become unbroken?
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"**Sometimes the problem is easily detected, most of the time we need to go step by step. First, probing the surface looking for any sign of trouble. Most of the time, we can't tell what's wrong with somebody by just looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell a whole other story.****"**

** - GREY'S ANATOMY **

Everybody's broken. That's what I've learned over the ten years I've been in foster care and in and out of group homes. Everybody, no matter how old they are, if they're the six year old kid you're sharing a room with at your foster house or another thirteen girl you end sharing a bunk bed with at the group home; or perhaps your social worker whom you have grown so found of at the time until they ship you out of the group home and into another foster family. They all are broken on the inside, even the foster parents whom promise you they'll look after you, that they'll love you since your own parents couldn't, so you let them even though they hurt you in the end causing you to become even more broken then you already are. You know most of these people are broken but, the majority of the time you really can't tell how broken these people really. This is because they look perfectly fine on the outside. These people and everybody else including me, including you put on a fake smile to cover the pain and go on with their day pretending everything is fine. The person standing next to you on the subway could be just as broken as you or me but we don't see it because they seem perfectly fine, that is until they take out their anger, hurting somebody else because they don't know how to handle the brokenness they feel inside of them.

_I'm three years old. I'm sitting on the living room floor of my apartment clutching a beloved blanket and stuffed teddy bear in my hands. My curly brown hair is in a tangled mess sat just below my shoulders. My pale skin looked brown, the brownness of my skin being dirt. I smelt of cigarette smoke. I was wearing my pajamas the ones with horses on them. My mom's boyfriend had given them to me for Christmas last year. I called him Al. He used to be at our apartment all the time. Once we went over to his house and stayed there for a really long time. I asked my mom why we couldn't go home. She told me it wasn't safe. While we were there, I got to take a bath in his big bathtub. My mom doesn't let me take baths at out apartment because the water is broken. One day Al was yelling. My mom was yelling back, calling him really bad names like Manwhore and Fucking Dick. She was mad at him for taking some money out of the jar in our kitchen. My mom called it the emergency money. One day she promised me that we would go to the seaside for a vacation. She'd promise me we'd go far away and never come back her. The money in that jar was never there for long. Al wasn't the only one that took money out of that jar. My mom would too. She would take out the greens bills and sliver and copper coins and count them at the kitchen table just like she was doing as I was watching TV. I asked her once why she was counting that money all the time. She said it was because she needed it to buy drugs. I asked her what "drugs" were and she said they were adult candy. She said she needed them to keep mind going. There was a loud knock on our apartment door. "Momma!" I called out as I climbed to my feet. "The candy sellers are here!" I walked towards the door as my mom rushes past me, pushing me back down onto the carpet. She opens the door for the candy men. "How much do you got?" The big black guy asks. He has a deep voice that scares me. The men push past my mom and into the living room. "I don't have enough today." My mom says looking to the ground. "You owe us a lot of money Rachel," the thin blonde hair man says. "No money no drugs." "Please," My mom says grabbing onto the blonde haired mans arm. "I've been two days without any. I fucking need the crack. I'll do anything." The big black man and the blonde haired man exchange looks. The blonde hair man starts running his hands up and down my moms back. He takes a piece of her long blonde hair at sticks it behind her ear. "You know Rachel," he says as his hands touch her face. "I haven't had sex in almost a week. I know you can make me one happy guy, and I'll make you one happy women. I'm guessing your bedroom is this way?" He takes my mom by the hand. My mom doesn't go with him. Instead she looks at me. "The kid will be fine, Franks here." The blonde says as he takes my mom down the hall and they close her bedroom door behind her. I glue my eyes to the TV and hug my legs to my chest as Frank sits down beside me. He pushes a peace of my brown curly tangled behind my ear just as the other man did to my mom. He then places his big brown hand on my tiny little white one._

"Welcome to Seattle, Washington." I am awakened from my deep sleep by the bus drivers loud voice booming over the PA system. "It about 13 degrees here and there is a well lets say 99% chance it will start raining."

I looked out of the window to see dark gray clouds that once covered the blue sky.

"For those of you visiting Seattle I hope you have an excellent visit and for everyone else welcome home," the bus drivers voice continued to boom.

The bus jerked to a hault outside the Grey Hound bus station. After a two almost three day bus ride from New York City I was finally here in Seattle. My whole life was going to be different now. There would be no more social services, group homes or foster families. It was time to put all that behind me. It was time to start over. It was time to become unbroken and get my life back on track. I only knew two things for sure, one of them being I was never going back to shit whole New York City and if I was sent back, I would be kicking and screaming. I would put up a fight. The second thing I knew was I had come to Seattle to find my father, a man I had never met. His name was Derek Shepherd, the Chief of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace Hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**We all remember the bed time stories of our childhood. The shoe fit Cinderella, the frog was turned into a prince, Sleeping Beauty was awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales. The stuff of dreams. The problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories. The ones that start in dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. The nightmares always seem to become the reality. Reality. It's so much more interesting than living happily ever after. Once upon a time, happier ever after. The stories we tell are the stuff of dreams. Fair tales don't come true. Reality is much stormier. Much murkier. Much scarier. **

**- Grey's Anatomy **

_I pretended to be watching the TV, which was on in front of me as Frank moved his rough hands up and down my body. Some grownup show was on about a cop who chases bad guys. Frank moved his hands into my underwear. That didn't feel right. I didn't like Frank. He scared me from the moment he came inside my apartment. I squirmed and shifted my body a couple of inches away from him. Frank stood up, picking me up as well. He squeezed by body tight against his. It was so tight I almost couldn't breathe. He moved his hand though my hair down to my back and then settled it on my bum, squeezing it before leaving it there. I started squirming more. I opened my mouth to call out to my mom. Frank placed his other hand over my mouth. "I know you weren't watching TV," Frank says sitting down on the sofa, stilling holding me. "You liked that didn't you?" He asks beginning to move his hands again, this time they're going up my body and he takes off my pajama top. He brings his face closer to mine, his breath smelt like alcohol and cigarettes. "I bet you're wondering what you're momma's doing with Mike," Frank said referring to the blonde haired man. "My momma's having sex," I say as I felt a shiver go up my spine. "That's what we're going to do too okay?" Frank says touching my cheek. "Only grownups can have sex," I say scared to look at Frank. "You want to be a grownup don't you?" Frank asks me. I nod. "I want to be like Momma when I grow up!" I smile looking up at him. "Grownups get to do all kinds of fun things," Frank says as he takes off his own shirt. "Grownups get have grownup drinks and grownup candy." "You give grownup candy to my momma." I say as Frank's lips touch mine. "After we have sex," Frank says as he touches his forehead against mine. "I'll give you some grownup candy. It will help you feel better." Frank starts to suck on my lips. He is kissing me. Having somebody kissing you is like sucking on candy ring pops. I loved candy ring pops, so I didn't try to move away from Frank. I didn't make Frank stop. Instead, I pretended his lips where a candy ring pop. Besides, Frank had promised me grownup candy, which was probably a million times better then stupid candy ring pops. _

I never knew what a fairy tale was. My mom had never told me stories of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Our TV didn't have cable or a VCR so I never got to watch the Disney movies where the princess was saved by prince charming. It didn't occur to me until a few months ago that my life was a never ending nightmare. Even at night, nightmares from my past would haunt me in my sleep. This nightmare I was living in had robbed me from my childhood. It was robbed me from living. As I got older, I would cry myself to sleep at night. Nobody wanted me. I had nobody that loved me. I had nobody to care for me. And sometimes, okay I lied, everyday I wished I was dead. My whole life was a nightmare I didn't know how to end, that was until I came across Derek Shepherds name in my file. That was until I googled his name and found out he was the Chief of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. I remembered how shocked I was. How surprised I was in regards to how easy my father was to find. I must have read that webpage at least ten times. I wasn't actually until reading the webpage for the 11th time when I stopped to look at his picture. His curly brown hair, his blue eyes and pale skin had matched perfectly to mine. I knew then I had to find him because maybe after all these years, I could finally have the perfect fairy tale I never got. Maybe coming to Seattle was going to finally end this scary, horrid nightmare I was living in.

My feet seemed glued to the pavement while my eyes were glued on the gigantic building, in front of me, Seattle Grace Hospital. The hospital stood on the corner of West and Young avenue. What was left of the sun reflected off the enormous glass windows, causing me to squint to get a better view of the place. I knew exactly what to do next: go inside, but my feet wouldn't move of the pavement.

"Don't chicken out now," I said out loud to no one in particular, trying more or less to convince myself, to give myself the courage to go inside. "You've driven three days across the country on a damn bus. There's no way in hell you've going to chicken out."

I take a breath, throw my messy unwashed three-day hair into a messy bun on the top of my head, smooth out my sweater and then take another breath.

"You got this," I say walking towards the huge glass doors, then pushing them open letting myself inside the hospital.

I didn't stop to admire the inside of the hospital, knowing that if I were too then my feet would be glued to the ground again. The main lobby of Seattle Grace was busy for the middle of the morning. Doctors, nurses, patients and vistors like myself where all coming and going. The majority of people who entered the hospital carried a cup of coffee in their hands heading towards the elevators or the stairwell. The majority of people who left the hospital yawned or rubbed their tired eyes after more then likely finishing a night shift. Some stopped as the left the building to say a quick hello to their colleagues and friends who entered the building. I noticed straight ahead of me there was a long table against the back wall of the hospital with a sign above it reading _information_. I quickly made my way over towards the information table. Sitting behind the table was a rather plump lady with orange hair and freckles all over her face. Her name tag read Frances.

"Can I help you?" She asked looking up from her computer screen as I approached the table.

"Do you know where I can find Dr. Shepherd?" I asked suddenly feeling stupid, knowing I should have said more.

"Which one?" Frances asked taking a bite of her everything bagel.

I looked at her confused. It didn't occur to me that there could have been more then one Dr. Shepherd here in this hospital.

"There's more then one Dr. Shepherd here?"

Frances nodded. "That's right kid," She says. "Now come on, I don't got all day. Are you looking for Dr. Shepherd, head of neonatal surgery? Or Dr. Shepherd, chief of neurosurgery?"

I stare at her blankly. As if she has two heads. I didn't know much about hospitals. I was only ever in a hospital once. So two me those two words Frances just said sound like the exact same thing. I mean, there's more than two words for a lot of things like death for example.

"Aren't those the same things?"

Frances shakes her head. "Hell no darling. They're far from the same thing. Neonatal is babies and neuro is brain, so which Shepherd?" She asks then before I can answer she continues. "You obviously don't look like your pregnant or old enough to have a child so you're looking for Derek Shepherd right? Chief of neurosurgery?"

Frances takes a sip of her juice box. I open my mouth to try and answer her question again but Frances keeps right on talking. It's like she wants to know my life story or something. "How old are you?" She continues taking another sip of her juice box. "You couldn't be any more than 12, god you look so thin."

I decide to humor Frances, if she wants my life story I'll give it to her, besides I've got nothing better to do anyways, I mean other then find Derek Shepherd and tell him I'm his daughter whom he's never known about.

"I'm thirteen," I snarl at her. "You know, you're very nosy."

Frances shrugs her shoulders. "I've got nothing better to do," She admits.

I raise my eyebrows at her. From the few minutes I've been talking to her I've learned she's a very stupid person.

"I thought you don't got all day." I say repeating what she told me earlier.

"Okay smart ass," Frances says annoyed now. "I thought you were going to be annoying like everybody else who asks for help. But I think you're the first person around here all week that I enjoyed talking to. I mean all the doctors around here are stick up bitches." She pauses for a second. "You never know whose sleeping with whom now days. It always changes you know? Take the Shepherd's for instance. Just a few months ago Derek Shepherd was dating Meredith Grey and then one night out of the blue his wife Addison shows up. Addison apparently cheated on Derek with his best friend when they all lived back in New York. So Derek moves here and develops a relationship with Meredith to get back at Addison is what I'm guessing."

Frances shakes her head in disgust. "If my husband ever did that to me, I swear to god, I'd punch him upside the head take the kids and leave just like that."

My head feels like it's going to explode with all this information I'm getting about my new screwed up life, which by the sounds of what Frances is telling me is going to be just as bad as New York. But I learned another thing about Frances, she seemed to be one of those people who lived for gossip. And I being Julia Shepherd the daughter of Derek Shepherd, Chief of Neurosurgery here at Seattle Grace Hospital had just the type of gossip Frances lived for. And for being here inside this hospital for such a short time made me realize that since the receptionist whom the hospital hired is such a wacko then this hospital must be full of wacko employees. I knew what I had to ask Frances next.

"So do the Shepherds have any kids?" I put my hands on my hips as if I am demanding an answer out of this lady.

Frances takes one last sip out of her juice box and chucks it in the garbage.

"Fuck no," Frances says this time. "I mean the Shepherds are loaded in cash. They could afford to have kids if they wanted to but, I don't see the either of the Shepherds being parents. Considering how screwed up their marriage is and all. I don't think they're capable. I mean they would make great a great Aunt and Uncle…but kids…."

My head now hurts like hell and I feel my stomach drop. I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be standing in front of the information desk listening to Frances talk gossip about my twisted family whom I didn't even know. I wanted to leave. Before I left though I decided to give Frances some gossip.

"I'm looking for Derek Shepherd." I say looking down at my feet, not letting Frances see the hurt in my eyes. "He's my father."

I begin to walk away not looking back to the surprised look on Frances face. I want out of this hospital.

"You'll find both the Shepherds in the surgery ward on the fifth floor." Frances calls out after me.

My feet however did not let me leave this hospital. My feet however walked me over to the elevator. My arms moved off my sides making my fingers press the up arrow on the elevator. Derek Shepherd would not want me as a daughter. He would send me back to New York and back into foster care. I was a stranger to him. I was a stranger to them. I was stupid for thinking he would love me. I meant nothing to him. I was the girl whom he'd knocked my mother up thirteen years ago. I was a child nobody wanted. My whole body hurt as I wanted for the elevator. I felt unloved and unwanted. I wished I was never born. I wished I was dead. I just wanted to die. I wanted to be awakened form this never-ending nightmare. I wanted my life to be over. I mean it would be so easy to end it all, I could shoot myself in the head, or stab myself in the heart, jump of a tall building, drown myself in a lake, or even hang myself in my bed room closet. There were a thousand ways I could die. Yet for some reason I was still holding on the hope. Hope that my fairytale ending would come true. Hope that my Daddy would save me from this nightmare. I was three years old when I stopped believing. Warm sharp tears hit my cheeks as the elevators aluminum doors opened and I stepped inside pressing the button for the surgical ward of the hospital. It was now or never. There was no going back. I was surprised somehow after everything I've been through that I still had hope. Somehow, despite all my negative thoughts I knew everything was going to be okay. This hospital was full of doctors. If Derek or Addison Shepherd couldn't save me, I'm sure I could find somebody else who would.


	3. Chapter 3

Just to clear a few things up, this is going to be an Derek, Addison fanfiction for the time being. I just don't want to make the beginning to complete or hard to follow. As I get more chapters finished or what ever, I will be adding other couples. I just want to focus on Julia's relationship with Derek and Addison for now...at least for the next chapter or so. Everything in italics are flashbacks Julia has. Also I'm setting this around season two of Grey's Anatomy right now.

The more reviews I get, the faster I'll upload. Enjoy!

Chapter Three

**Sometimes the past is something you can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present**

**Grey's Anatomy **

_It seemed like a very long time until Frank was done kissing me. Until Frank was done touching me in places I've never been touched before. Until he got up off top of me and pulled his underwear back on. My whole body hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel good. I wanted my mom. My mom hadn't come out of her room in a really long time. She and Mike were still in there having sex. I hurt in places where I've never hurt before. I didn't know what to do so I curled up in a little ball on the couch. My whole body was shaking and I started to cry. Frank kissed my forehead and stroked my hair. "It okay," He says. "It always hurts the first time. It will get better. You did it Julia." He smiles at me and I cover my face in my hands. "You're a grownup now." Frank continues to speak to me softly. "You're so pretty, you're so beautiful." He says and buries his face into my hair. "You have to promise to keep this a secret. You're going to be my baby girl, okay baby? Don't tell you're momma okay? You don't have to cry anymore either. You're a grownup. Grownups don't cry." Frank sits me up and I look away from him. "I hurt." I say quietly. "My tummy doesn't feel good. I want my momma." Frank picks me up and puts me on his lap. I do not want to be there. Frank reaches beside him for my pajamas. He puts my under wear on and then my pajama top and lastly my pajama pants. Then he reaches into his pocket pulling out a plastic bag full of white things. They were grown up cadies. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't wait to have grownup candies. Frank had said they'd help me feel better. "Here," he says taking a white candy from the bag and gives it to me. "Don't bite it. Swallow it." Frank orders me. I take the candy from his hand and put it in my mouth. It doesn't taste that good. I spit it out into my hand. "This tastes yucky," I say. "It will taste better once you swallow it. You have to have in your tummy for you to feel better." Frank picks up the candy I just spit out into my hands and pits it back into my mouth. "Swallow it," he says closing my mouth for me. This time I do. I cough a little because it tastes so yucky. Frank kisses me. "You'll feel better soon baby girl," He then put me off his lap. "You can go get your momma now," He informs me. "Tell Mike I want to leave and remember our little secret." He winks at me as I walk towards my mom's door. I'm walking funny. It hurts to walk. There are a lot of weird noises coming from inside. I just want my momma. I open the door. My mom and Mike are on top of the bed. Mike's on top of my mom. They aren't wearing any clothes. My momma is making a lot of noise. Frank said you can't make noise when you have sex. Frank said you have to be quiet or it will hurt even more. Mike was hurting my momma. "Momma!" I scream and climb up on the bed and begin to hit Mike on his back. "Stop it! Stop it!" I yell at him. My mom pushes Mike off her. "Julia what the fuck are you doing?" She yells at me. "Get the fuck out of room now!" She screeches. I don't move. I can't move. I can't say anything. It's like I can't see anymore. The room is spinning. There are so many colors. I can't feel anything. My body didn't hurt anymore. I felt numb. Mike starts putting his clothes back on. "Baby where are you going?" My mom asks putting on her own clothes. "This is fucked." He yells. "You're kid is fucked. I'm leaving." "God damnit!" My mom screams. "Get the fuck out!" I still don't move. My mom shoves me off her bed causing me to fall onto the floor, hard. My mom then runs out of her room slamming the bedroom door behind her. I could still hear her yelling at Mike. I heard the door to our apartment slam. I waited and waited for my mom to come back into her room. She always said she was sorry after she hurt me. She never left. This time was different. My mom was gone and I didn't know when she was coming back. I started to scream. I started crying. I didn't feel right. I didn't know what was going on. Everything felt funny. It felt like I wasn't even in my body anymore. I kept screaming, hoping this was a really bad dream. I thought if I kept screaming my mom would come a wake me up. All I wanted was to be out of this nightmare. I just wanted to woken up. _

And that's still what I want. It doesn't mean I can't let go out the past. That's want I want to do more than anything. I'm just saying I've known what I wanted out of my life since I was three years old. Ever since I left New York City three days earlier all I've wanted was to escape my past. I wanted to forget that it even happened. People say the past is part of you. It's what makes you, you. I personally think this is a bunch of bull. Half these people are most likely hypocrites anyway. I can bet you more than half the people on this planet are trying to forget at least one mistake they made in their past life. I bet you right now, Derek Shepherd is probably regretting sleeping with Meredith Grey. I bet you right now, Addison Shepherd is probably regretting sleeping with her husband's best friend. I bet you're probably wondering what I was want forget about my past. I want to forget everything. I know you probably think I'm crazy considering most people are just running from one or two mistakes they have made. I'm running from everything. Most people if their childhood turned out like mine would want to run. I wouldn't blame them. I don't blame myself either. It wasn't my fault I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault Derek Shepherd got my mother pregnant. It wasn't my fault my mother decided to give birth to me even though I wished I wasn't born. It wasn't my fault my mother turned out to be an addict. It wasn't my fault my mother turned out to be a crappy mother. Okay, I lied earlier. I do blame myself for some things. It was my fault when she hit me or when my foster families hit me as well. It was my fault my mom never loved me. It was my fault when Frank molested me. It was my fault my life turned into fucking hell. There you now know a few more reasons as to why I want to forget everything that happened. I want to forget everything because it's all my fault. But after learning about Derek Shepherd something changed. I learned something new about the past. I learned that my past wouldn't have been so bad if Derek had known I existed. I have a lot of anger towards my father. I just can't help thinking if he was there. None of that stuff would have happened. That's my past. You can't escape you're past. You can only run from it. Derek Shepherd couldn't have changed the past. In the past I didn't know he existed. He didn't know I existed. Derek Shepherd however will change the present and hopefully more importantly my father will change my future.

It's hard to believe that in a few minutes my whole life would change. In a few seconds I would be getting of the elevator at the surgery ward. In a few minutes I would be two steps closer to meeting Derek Shepherd. It's hard to believe….

A loud ding went off indicating that the elevator was now on the fifth floor. The doors opened and my eyes winded to this whole new medical, doctorie, surgical world I've never seen before. I stepped out of the elevator finishing my last thought _It's hard to believe that I was finally here_. I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. If I was I didn't want to wake up. When I had stepped off the elevator it was like all my problems where gone. It was like I was in this whole new world where nothing else mattered. I felt alive again. I felt happy and for once in my life I didn't want to die. I took a breath and smelt in the latex, perfume, sweaty, bloody smell of the air. I've never smelt anything like it. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I felt like I was in love. I, Julia Carolyn Shepherd was in love with Seattle Grace Hospital. It didn't matter how many wackos worked in this hospital. It didn't matter how twisty or messed up my fathers relationships were. I was here. I was finally here. Everything just felt so right. It felt like I was home. These hallways, the elevator, the hospital rooms; Derek Shepherd had been in all of them. I didn't know what to do next. There were so many people I could ask to help me find Derek Shepherd. I just didn't know who. I mean there where the nurses at the nurses station in the colorful scrubs. Or the people in the light blue scrubs. Or I could even ask the people in the dark blue scrubs. There weren't many of those people around. I just wanted to ask somebody who wasn't a wacko. I didn't want to ask another Frances again. So this time, I decided to ask a guy. I mean a man, standing over at the nurses station. He was wearing light blue scrubs writing in a binder. I took a breath and walked over to him.

"Excuse me," I say tapping a finger on his shoulder.

"What?" The guy spins around holding the binder in his hands. His brown eyes seem annoyed.

This guy seemed too young to be a hospital worker. He looked like a teenager. A high school senior to be more specific.

"I'm sorry for…." I decide to apologize, except I get cut off by a thin black man in dark blue scrubs calling the guy over.

"O'Malley!" He calls. "I have a _Thoractomy_ surgery I want you to scrub in on. Tracey Mills is prepped and ready. She's in operating room 2. Get a move on O'Malley!"

"I'm sorry," O'Malley mumbles to me as he closes the binder and hands it to a nurse. "I'm coming Dr. Burke!" He yells at the doctor whom is already walking away. O'Malley begins to run after Dr. Burke bumping into a taller man with grayish brown hair wearing dark blue scrubs whose walking and reading a binder that's the same color as the binder O'Malley was reading. I wondered what was in those things.

"Hey!" the doctor calls out as O'Malley turns a corner and is now out of site.

"What's his problem?" the doctor asks me, closing the binder he is reading and placing on the desk at nurses station.

I jump a little. He must of saw me watching.

"Dr. Burke wants him to scrub in on a thoractomy." I say not having any idea what a thoractomy is. It just sounds like a bunch of letters put into place to make a word, a word that had no meaning to me.

The doctor laughs and shakes his head. His pushes his hands through his short curly hair. "O'Malley has been Burke's bitch since he performed a thoractomy on some patient in a elevator. It's like Burke in love with him or something. O'Malley has got to scrub in on basically ever single surgery since the whole heart in the elevator thing."

Doctors do surgeries. Big deal. "What's the big deal?" I ask unamused at the story this doctor just told me.

"What's the big deal?" the doctor looked at me like I had two heads. "O'Malley's an intern. Interns don't normally get to perform solo surgeries until their residences."

"He doesn't seem all that special to me."

The doctor seems happy I said that.

"Thank you," he says. "At least somebody agrees with me." The doctor crosses his arms on his chest. He looks me up and down. "So what's your story?" He asks. "You look really familiar."

I thought about lying for a minute. I thought that maybe I'd get to enjoy the surgical ward just a bit more before everything became hell. I decided against it however. This was my new life. It would not be a lie.

"I know I look familiar," I say. I looked exactly like Derek Shepherd. That's why I looked so familiar. "You're thinking I look like Derek Shepherd right?" I ask.

"Yeah," the doctor says, like he's finally got the missing piece to the puzzle figured out. "Wait," the doctor says after a second. "Do you…" he stumbles. "How do you know Derek Shepherd? Are you a patient? A relative?"

Now it was my turn to laugh. "I don't actually know Derek Shepherd," I admit. "I found his name in my file, at the social services office. They were going to send me to another foster family, one half way across state. I didn't want to go…" I rambled, trying to get up the courage to say Derek Shepherd was my father. The name was so easy to say in my head. Why the fuck was it so hard to say out loud? I take a deep breath. "But I am a relative of him, you probably think I'm a wacko after I say this considering half the people in this hospital are wackos. Derek Shepherd is my father. I'm Derek Shepherd's daughter."

The doctor doesn't say anything back. I couldn't take the silence anymore. "I'M DEREK SHEPHERD'S DAUGHTER!" I scream, without meaning to. The words just wouldn't stop coming out. It was like vomit. Word Vomit, the movie _Mean Girls _would say.

I must have screamed loud enough for the whole hospital to hear me. I wouldn't have been surprised if they did. I just wanted the silence to stop. Screaming I think made it even worst. Everybody in the hallway had now stopped what they were doing and were watching myself and the doctor. It was like a climax point in a movie or a book. Everybody seemed frozen wondering what to do next but more importantly they wondered what was going to happen next. I realized I made the silence so I had to break it.

"I'm Julia Shepherd," I say to the doctor whom is now pacing back and forth in a panic running both hands through his hair. "Who are you?" I ask him.

"Mark," the doctor mumbles. "Dr. Sloan." He then looks at me in disbelief just like the other half of the hallway is doing. "Derek and Addison Shepherd have a daughter?"

I decide to ignore that question. It was probably going to be a common question I would receive over the next little while or so. Most people where probably going to assume I was both Derek and Addison's daughter since they are married and all. At least until Addison clears it up, I wasn't going to say anything. I was tired of explaining already. First to Frances which didn't turn out too good when I told her my gossip and now to Dr. Sloan causing things to turn out even worse. I didn't want to make things complicated even more than they were right now for people.

"So where's my father, Dr Sloan?" I demand.

"He's in surgery." Dr. Sloan seemed to still be in shock. I wouldn't blame him. It's not every day Derek Shepherd's unknown daughter comes into the hospital.

"Derek doesn't know I exist" After hearing he was in surgery hurt me inside. I don't know why. It just felt like I was two steps behind again. Not two steps closer.

The silence began to disappear. The nurses and intern and doctors, whoever they were began whispering between themselves.

"Alright!" Dr. Sloan yelled at them.

"Page Addison Shepherd," a nurse with blonde hair said to the brown haired on sitting behind the nurses station.

"Shows over!" Dr. Sloan continued to yell as I stood there, frozen in my stop. "Get back to work!"

Dr. Sloan turns towards me. We watch in silence as the brown haired nurse dials Addison Shepherd's pager. Neither him nor I had the energy to stop her.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She says into the phone. "Yours and Derek's daughter is here. She asked for Derek but he's in surgery. We'd thought it'd would be better to page you for the time being."

Addison Shepherd wasn't my mother I wanted to scream. No more words would come out of my mouth. It was like I had gone totally mute. It's true though however learning something new about your past can change the present. I didn't know what was going to happen next . I didn't know what was going to happen in the future. Right now in being the present and for what was to come in the future, I Julia Carolyn Shepherd was in over my head. This whole thing was over my head.


	4. Chapter 4

Another new chapter! I love writing this. I can't wait to start the next chapter. How do you guys feel about Addison's reaction towards Julia? Was it too much? Anyway, just remember the more reviews the faster I upload the chapters. I don't own Grey's Anatomy, just Julia and any of the other characters I may have mentioned who aren't in Grey's Anatomy.

Chapter Four

The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse.

- Grey's Anatomy

_I am almost four years old. My brown curly hair has gotten longer, it almost touches my bum. I'm in my room, at a new apartment. It's Mike's apartment. My mom and Mike are boyfriend and girlfriend now. My mom says she loves Mike. But because we live at Mike's now, I see Frank more often. Frank gives me grownup candies a lot more. I don't like them so I pretend to swallow them. Sometimes my mom and Mike leave for a really long time. Frank is always here though. He never leaves. All I want is for him to leave. Frank's over at our apartment right now. So is my mom and Mike and some other people. My mom told me to go to my room. I wasn't allowed to come out when they had friends over. My mom said they were having a grownup party with grownup drinks and grownup candy. I wanted to stay. I didn't understand why I had to be in my room. Frank had said I was a grownup. Frank gives me grownup candy. I should be able to stay in the living room. I was a grownup after all. I sat on my bed brushing my dolls hair signing to myself. __**"She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories." **__I'm singing the Guns N'Roses song, Sweet Child O'Mine. Sometimes when nobody else was around my mom would sing it to me. I could hear the grownups laughing and going on. It sounded like they were having fun. I wasn't having fun. They were being really loud. I just wanted to see what my mom doing. __**"Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky,"**__ I sing as pick up my blanket and I jump off my bed. I walked into the hallway of my apartment. I looked into the living room coughing from all the smoke and the really bad smell. __**"Now and then when I see when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place."**__ I couldn't really see my mom that good through all the smoke. I felt dizzy. I got down on my hands and knees so I could see better. I just wanted to hide. __**"And if I stared too long, I'd probably break down and cry."**__I crawled over to and sat between the wall and the end table by the sofa. This was my favourite place to hide if Frank was looking for me. It always took him a while to find me here. __**"Oh, Oh, Oh, sweet child o' mine. Oh, Oh, Oh sweet love mine."**__ I continued to sing softly to myself as I held my doll and blanket tightly. Suddenly there's banging on the door and there's yelling. "THIS IS THE NY PD." A voice boomed. As the grownups jumped up off there feet, trying to hide the stuff they had on the coffee table. "Don't bother trying to leave. We have swat teams covering all exits of your apartment." Nobody inside my apartment says anything to the man outside the door. He wants to come in and nobodies letting him in. All the grownups are yelling at each other. My mom is yelling at Mike and Frank. Frank pulls something out of his pocket. It's a gun. I've seen guns on the cop shows I sometimes watch. The cops use guns to kill the bad guys. "You leave us no choice!" the man's voice continues to boom. "We are going to have to use force." I didn't understand why the cops where here. My mom and Mike weren't bad guys. Frank wasn't a bad guy either. Frank loved me. __**"She's got eyes of the bluest skies, as if they thought of rain." **__There was suddenly a loud bang and the door to our apartment fell down. I heard gunshots as Frank shot his gun at the police man standing in the door way. The police man falls down to the grown. Then another police man ran into the apartment shooting off his gun and making Frank fall to the ground. I covered my ears. Frank wasn't moving. __**"I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain."**__ All the grownups where trying to run. Everybody was screaming and yelling. Guns where going off. Police Men kept running into the aparatment grabbing the grownups. Then a police man grabbed my mom. Holding her down on the couch as he hand cuffed her and ran with her out of the building. I stood up out of my hiding place. __**"Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide." **__"MOMMA!" I yell crying. "MOMMA!" I start running for door. I start running after my mom. I suddenly feel something hit my body, causing me to fall back on top of Frank who was lying on the floor. "Come on Frank!" I say shaking him. "Wake up! We have to find my momma!" Frank's not waking up. Frank's not breathing either. Frank is dead. I can't get up. I struggle to breathe. I wondered if I was dead too. __**"And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by. Oh, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine. Oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine." **_

October 12 was the day my mom hit rock bottom as a drug addict. At least that's what I'm guessing anyway. I haven't seen my mother since that day. I can't even remember the last words she said to me. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks about and all the damaged she caused me. My mom was an addict and probably still is. The addiction it's self never goes away. There's always a little thought in the back of your mind saying oh, I was some drugs. Addictions are all about control. Control how many drugs you can have, controlling when you can get high or controlling when you can't get high. My mom's addiction just went out of control. She couldn't control it anymore therefore she hit rock bottom. Recovering from an addiction isn't easy either. Recovery is about control also. It's that simple. If you lose control you relapse. The hardest thing about recovery isn't gaining control. It's the pain. It's letting go. That's the hardest part. Most addicts take drugs because they want to escape their own pain or even there past. That's why people enjoy staying high because you feel numb. To be able to fully recover from an addiction, you have to let go which causes more pain. Most people develop addictions to help them cope. It makes them feel safe. It's easy to say your going to let go but it's harder to actually do it. Eventually if you try you'll be able to let go. It's doable. Things however will just get worse before they get better.

"Mark Benjamin Sloan!" A lady with red auburn hair shrieked walking towards Dr. Sloan and I whom where still standing by the nurses station. I guessed this lady was Addison.

I didn't know why Addison decided to yell at Dr. Sloan. He had nothing to do with this whole thing.

"I don't have time for jokes Mark." Addison says standing in front of us.

Now I understood why Addison was yelling at Dr. Sloan.

"What joke?" He says giving me a this is going to get interesting look.

"This!" Addison exclaims annoyed pointing her finger at me. "You found a clone of Derek. Very funny. Now please bring her back to wherever she belongs. I don't have time for games Mark. I have a consult with Martha Turner."

"This isn't a joke Addison!" Dr. Sloan shoots back at her. "This is Julia Shepherd. Derek's daughter. Not yours!"

"Hi," I say as I give Mark a great going type look.

"Julia Shepherd?" Addison repeats what Dr. Sloan just told her. "Derek doesn't have a daughter Mark. He can't. It's not possible. He never told me about one."

"That's because he doesn't know I exist." I decide to clear up the confusion. It seems to me that Addison is in denial. I wouldn't blame her. She just found out her husband had a daughter with another women she probably didn't know about. She also doesn't seem to like Dr. Sloan very much. I don't understand why. I think he's pretty cool. He's the first person I've met so far today who seem normal.

Ignoring me, Addison turns to the brown haired nurse behind the nurses station. "Olivia," she says to the nurse. "Would you mind getting me Martha Turners file? She's waiting for me to do a consult."

"I have it right here," Olivia says taking out a light blue binder from the desk and handing it to Addison.

Files. That's what's in the light blue binders.

Addison takes the binder from her without saying anything and then turns back to Dr. Sloan and me. "Derek doesn't have a daughter Mark. Trust me. Anyway," Addison says frustrated. "I can't deal with this right now. I just don't have time. It seems like I'm the only one trying to put an effort into saving mine and Derek's marriage and you Mark Sloan aren't helping any by playing pranks. You Mark Sloan aren't helping any in general. Just go back to fucking New York. I'm trying to make this better. So stop," Addison takes a breath. I could see the hurt in her eyes. "Just stop." With that, Addison turns around and walks away.

I know I should run after her. Maybe If I explain the situation things will be better. I can't move. My body feels frozen. Its feels like it's been stabbed over and over again. My stomach feels sick. I look around, its like the whole room is spinning. I need the bathroom. It's worse though because I feel like I'm going to cry. I never cry. I can't cry. Not here. Not here in the public of the hospital. I just need to get to the bathroom.

"Julia! Julia!" Dr. Sloan says pitting his hands on my shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"I need the washroom," I say trying not the let the tears out. I feel like a helpless child.

"It's over there," Dr. Sloan says pointing to a door a few feet down the hallway marked _washroom_ on it.

I run more like bolt down the hallway into the ladies washroom. I dash into the first bathroom stall and vomit. Once. Twice. Three times. I don't want to say I felt better because I didn't. I felt like shit. I didn't feel like crying anymore which was a good thing. I get up, walk over to the sink and wipe the vomit from my lips. I splash water on my face to wake me up a little and then wash my hands and leave the bathroom. Dr. Sloan is waiting for me outside the bathroom door. I'm surprised he's still hanging about.

"You're Derek's best friend," I say to him. "Addison cheated with you in New York."

"More like ex," Dr. Sloan corrects me. "Hey," he says puzzled. "How'd you know that?"

I shrug. "The lady from down stairs, Frances. She works at the information desk. She knows everything."

"Frances," was all Dr. Sloan had to say to that. He then reaches into his pocket and hands me a stick of gum. "Here," he says. "You need it."

I smile at Dr. Sloan and take the piece of gum from his hands. He's different than any adult I've ever met before. I can't really describe it. He's just different.

"I'm sorry about the whole Addison thing," Dr. Sloan says. "She'll come around, don't worry. Addison is actually pretty cool. You'll like her."

I laugh at what he just told me. "Addison seems like a stuck up bitch."

"It's all an act," Dr. Sloan says trying to defend her.

"I've said what? Five words to her? Addison hates me Dr. Sloan." I say turning around to walk towards the elevator. I had enough of this. If Addison didn't want to have anything to do with me, Derek probably didn't want to either.

"Whoa!" Dr. Sloan says grabbing my arm and pulling me back around to face him. "Where to you think you're going."

I don't know where I'm going to be honest. I didn't want to go back to New York and the money I had stolen from my foster mother was gone. I didn't really have anywhere else to go. "Home," I tell him. Except, I don't really know where that is because I don't have a home. "I hate it here. I want to go home. I've made a mistake coming here. I didn't want to ruin everything. I didn't think things where going to turn out this way. I'm sorry…it's just that…." I stop myself. I'm rambling again.

"You can't go home," Dr. Sloan, begs me.

"Why not? Why can't I?" I ask and then to myself I add, "Because I don't have a home." "Give me one good reason why I should stay here." I demand him.

"You haven't even met Derek yet!" Dr. Sloan shoots back at me.

"He wouldn't want me. Nobody ever does. I was stupid to even come here in the first place. I just want to go home okay?"

Dr. Sloan doesn't say anything for a while. Then he nods his head. "Okay," he says. "Just give me a minute to change out of my scrubs. Then I'll drive you home myself. Wait right here, I'll be right back." He then turns around and beings to walk down the hallway. "Oh and by the way," he calls out just before he's about to turn the corner. "Call me Mark."

I wait until Dr. Sloan – Mark turns the corner to smile. I then let my body sink into a bench against the hospital wall. Nobody's ever cared for me like that before. It felt nice for once. Oh believe me, I know I'm in over my head but just for a little bit longer I'm going to play along.

Mark comes back a few minutes later. He has changed out of his scrubs and into jeans, a grey shirt and a black leather jacket.

"Ready to go?" He asks.

I nod, put my backpack over my shoulder, and hurry after Mark towards the elevators. The ride down to the main lobby of the hospital is quite. It's so quite I can hear my chest breathing as well as Mark's. On the way out of the hospital doors, I turn about to take one last look at Seattle Grace hospital. I look towards the back of the lobby at the information table. Frances is still there. She's eating a piece of pizza now and yapping on the phone. Mark and I walk through the parking lot. He stops at a sliver BMW, unlocking it he gets into the driver seat. I walk around to the other side of the car and climb into the passenger seat.

"So," Mark says. "Where's home?"

I don't answer him. Instead I stare blankly ahead out of the car windshield. Tears slowly begin to fall down face. How do you tell someone you don't have a home? Sure it seems simple but it's harder. It's a lot harder then it looks.

"I…I…" My heart is beating faster now and my breathing has become quicker. I turn my head to look at Mark. "I don't have a home, Mark." I say between breaths and tears. I'm sobbing now. I feel like such an idiot inside.

Mark shakes his head. "I don't understand. What about your parents?" He asks me. Mark must think I'm adopted. I wish I were. Adults want to adopt babies, not teenagers.

"I don't have parents." I say. Okay that's a lie. I do, but my mother ever since that drug bust; I don't know where she is. And then well there's Derek Shepherd who's working right inside the hospital in front of us. Who obviously doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't want to give Mark the whole sob story about my mother. The last thing I need is to have people feeling sorry for me.

"You wanna know what the funny think is Mark? I left everything behind me to come here. I must have broken at least a dozen laws to get here. I stole money from my foster mother. I runaway as an unaccompanied minor using a fake id and hop on a Grey Hound bus to here, which is a like a two and a half day bus ride from New York City. I had this perfect image in my head of what was going to happen when I met Derek Shepherd. I used the last bit of hope I had left inside of me to come here and now and now I have nothing. I have nobody and nothing. That's what's funny Mark, isn't it funny?" I ask him and I begin laughing. I start laughing so hard. I can't stop.

"No," Mark says after a while. "It isn't funny. It's pathetic. It's really pathetic."

"Excuse me?" I say surprised by Marks response.

"It's pathetic that you've given up so damn easily. You haven't even met Derek yet for crying out loud. Just because Addison said a few mean words to you, your will to give up this easily, its pathetic. This isn't Addison's decision to make if she wants you or not. You're not her daughter. You're Derek's. You look like him and you act like him. You're a mini Derek. You're sitting in a car crying over how you lost all fucking hope when you haven't even met your father yet. Yeah, you're probably scared out of your mind. But sometimes you just gotta go for things. A things is a thing you gotta go for. This is a thing that you can't run from. You deserve to know both your parents. So you're going to stop sitting in this god damn car sulking, walk back into that fucking hospital, get your small ass into that elevator and back up to the fifth floor. Then once you get there, you are going to find that dick of a father of yours and tell him you're his daughter."

I'm shocked. I'm unable to put words together. Marks speech was the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me in a long time.

"Go on!" Mark yells at me. "Get moving! Get your ass out of this god damn car!"

I do what I'm told. Mark gets out of the car as well and together we walk towards the hospital. I get déjà vu all over again. But this time I know I'm not going to have to confront Derek by myself. Mark is going to be there with me. Mark and I walk back into the hospital. _I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to tell Derek Shepherd I'm his daughter. _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

**It's impossible to describe the panic that comes over you when you're a surgeon and your pager goes off in the middle of the night. Your heart starts to race. Your mind freezes. Your fingers go numb. You're invested. There's someone's mom, someone's dad, someone's kid. And now it's on you because that someone's life is in your hands. Surgeons, we're always investing in our patients. But when your patient's a child, you're not just invested, you're responsible. Responsible for whether or not that child survives, has a future. And that's enough to terrify anyone.**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_My still body was pushed through the hospital doors on a gurney and as hard as I tried I couldn't move. Every part of my body hurt. I didn't know what was happening. I wondered where the police man had taken my mom as I struggled for breaths of air. Frank hurt my body a lot of times but this time was different. Frank didn't hurt my body. The pain felt different. The pain felt sharp and warm. I could feel the warm blood flowing through my body and I could hear faint singing far away. "__**Oh, oh oh, sweet child o' mine. Oh, oh, oh sweet love of mine."**__ I knew that singing wasn't coming from my mom because she was gone. The police man had taken her somewhere. I wished my mom was here. Even if the police man hadn't taken her somewhere, I knew she wouldn't be here. The singing sounded so peaceful. All I wanted to do was walk towards it but I couldn't move. So instead I just laid on the gurney helplessly and full of pain. I thought of my mom. I thought of her long curly pretty blonde hair and milk chocolate brown eyes. I wondered if my mom would miss me if I died because I knew I was dying. Surprisingly though I was okay with that. Despite everything going on around me I felt so peaceful. I just wanted my mom to give me a hug and kiss before I died. I didn't want a new doll or a new pair of pajamas. I just wanted my mom to give me a hug and kiss. I don't think my mom has ever hugged or kissed me before. Frank has hugged and kissed me lots of times. But those hugs and kisses are different. Those hugs and kisses are scary. Those hugs and kisses lead to sex and sex hurts a lot. I scream a lot when Franks makes me have sex with him. Except I only scream a lot when my mom is not home. When my mom is home in the apartment, I don't scream. Frank is a liar because he says screaming makes it hurt even more. It doesn't make a difference if I scream or if I don't. Frank loves me so that's why he gives me lots of hugs and kisses. Frank says when people love somebody they always give each other lots of hugs and kisses. I don't love Frank because he hurts me. I never want to love someone ever. Hugs and kisses scare me. My mom never gave me hugs and kisses because she doesn't love me. I don't think there are good hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses are just bad. I am scared because if my mom hugged and kissed me she would do what Frank does to me. I don't want her to do that to me. I don't think she would anyway because she has sex with Mike. Except it doesn't matter anymore because Frank is dead. Except it doesn't matter anymore because I think I am dead. It's too late for hugs and kisses now. __**"Where do we go now? Where do we go?"**_

_I can feel my chest breathing again. I can feel my fingers and my toes. I can move my arms and my legs. I can even move my head from side to side. My body hurts still but not as much as it used to before I died. As I lay here, I can hear a symphony of buzzing and beeping sounds. I wondered what happened to the Guns'N Roses song I could hear a little while ago. I want to know where the music is coming from. I open my eyes to a dull, dim lit hospital room. The buzzing and beeping sounds are coming from hospital machines and the dark room I'm in gets lit up every so often with the flashes of light coming from the machines around me. I put my hand on my chest and feel my heart beating wondering if I am dead. Feeling my heartbeat, I know I'm not dead or dying but instead I'm very much alive. I want my mom. I wonder where the police man has taken her. I sit myself up on my bed and look through the glass windows and into the dark spooky hallway. The hallway is still and lifeless except for the sound of a persons high heals echoing through the hallway. I then start crying. I don't want to be alive because I want to be dead. Through my sobs I hear the door to the hospital room being pushed open. I hear foot steps walking over to me. They sound like high heels. My mom wears high heels whenever we go out. "Momma?" I whimper looking up to see a tall lady with red hair wearing a big white coat, a purple top with ruffles and a black pencil skirt. "Hi there," the lady says and sits down on my bed. "I'm Dr. Montgomery." I don't say anything to the doctor. I continue to cry. "I heard you crying," she says. "Do you hurt anywhere?" She places her hand on my shoulder as I look up to at her. My dead blue eyes meet her warm brown ones. "I want my momma," I sob. "Maybe I can help you find her," Dr. Montgomery says. "Is your mommy still here in the hospital? Did she go home?" "No," I say shaking my head. "My momma is gone." "Gone home?" Dr. Montgomery asks me confused. "Gone. She's gone. A police man took her," "I don't understand. Why did the police man take your momma?" Dr. Montgomery asks. "There were lots and lots of police men who broke into my apartment. " I say between sobs. "All my momma friends where yelling. There were lots and lots of guns. The police men shot their guns at my momma friends and Frank shot his gun at the police man. The police man shot Frank and Frank died. A police man hand cuffed my momma and took her away. Another police man shot me. I fell on top of Frank. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe and I thought I was dying. I just wanted my momma to give me a hug before I died. I wanted my momma to give me a hug and now I can't find her because she's gone." I begin to cry harder. Dr. Montgomery pushes my hair out of my eyes. "I know I'm not your mommy sweetie," she says. "But could I give you a hug and kiss? It might help you feel better." My body starts shaking and I push Dr. Montgomery's hand off my shoulder. I try and move further back in the hospital bed. "No, no, no!" I say. "Please no. Please no no no. You are going to do what Frank does. Please don't hurt me!" I scream at Dr. Montgomery. "I've been good! I promise! I don't want grownup candy. I don't, I don't, I don't." "I'm a doctor," Dr. Montgomery tries to put her hand on my shoulder again. "I'm not going to hurt you. "NO, NO, NO!" I yell through my tears and begin to hit my body with my tiny fits. "Go away, go away, go away! I want my momma!" Dr. Montgomery slowly gets up off my bed. She doesn't say anything until she reaches the door of my hospital room "I'm going to find your doctor or a nurse." She says turning her back and walking out of my hospital room. I watch her walk down the hallway, her white jacket flowing behind her until she's out of site. I sat there crying because I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to give me a hug and a kiss. I just didn't want her to hurt me like Frank did. But Dr. Montgomery never came back. _

I was that patient. I was that child, a Jane Doe to be specific who was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night on October 12 and into the early morning hours on October 13. I was the reason why many surgeons pagers when off that night. It was my life the surgeons where now responsible for. It was my small, tiny body that laid helplessly and waited on the exam table in the operating room as the surgeons did everything they could to try keep me alive. I was one of the lucky ones. I was one of the patients whom waited long enough for the doctors to finish saving me. However though, a lot of people aren't so lucky. A lot of people can't wait for the doctors to save them and therefore, they die. Their bodies lose their warmth and become cold, hard, and frozen. Their bodies become lifeless. This is because as we lay on that cold, hard exam table, we prepare for the worst. We prepare for death. The majority of patients go into surgery with a positive attitude, wanting to live. Even though these patients want to live, in the back of everyone's minds who enters that operating room is the one syllable five letter word, Death. Because everyone who enters the operating room knows there's a slight possibility of death and that's why everyone prepares for the worst when they enter the operating room. Except I wasn't like any other patient who entered that operating room. I was three years old and already expecting death to come. I get jealous when I think of the patients who never made it through their surgeries. I get jealous because they wanted to live and I didn't. I wished I could have given my life up instead of having a person die who very much wanted their life. I guess that if I wanted to die that day on the exam table, I would of. Something or someone must have stopped me from dying for a reason. Whoever it was wouldn't have let me kept living if nothing good was going to come out of my life. And finally after thirteen years of living in hell, I was finally getting the good. I was finally going to meet my father.

Mark and I where sitting in the cafeteria. It was Mark's idea to come here. He said it would give us something to do instead of hanging around the surgical ward until Derek was done surgery. Mark was actually the one sitting there. Well okay, I was too but I was the only one stuffing food into my face. I was staving and having only enough money for a bus ticket, which meant I had to go without food.

"Slow down, Mini D," Mark says moving the tray with my food on it out of my reach. "It's like you haven't eaten in days."

"That's because I haven't Mark," I say taking the tray back.

Mini D is Mark's new nickname for me, he hasn't stopped using it since we walked back into the hospital. I finish off my third helping of chicken fingers and fries and move onto a slab of chocolate cake as a doctor with shoulder length curly black hair walks towards Mark and I.

"What's the difference between dark blue and light blue scrubs?" I ask him changing the subject.

"Seattle Grace Hospital," he says, making it sound important. "Is a teaching hospital. Dark blue scrubs are what attendings wear. Light blue scrubs are for interns."

"Then who are you?" I ask the black haired lady whom has just sat down with us.

The lady ignores my question and turns to Mark. "Picking up stays are you Mark?" She asks him. "I'm surprised you aren't sitting over there at the nurses table, figuring out who to take home tonight." She then turns towards the table where several nurses where gathered. "The blonde one with the braid is pretty cute." She point out.

Mark ignores her statement and turns to me.

"Mini D, this is Dr. Torres. Dr. Torres meet Mini D. Dr. Torres is head of Ortho."

"Ortho?" I repeat what Mark just tells me; I'm not sure what means. I then turn to Dr. Torres. "How can you be head of Ortho if you're an intern?"

"Ortho is short for Orthopeadic, Torres here works on bones and stuff." Mark answers the question for her.

"I'm a resident not an intern," Dr. Torres corrects me. "I'm just very good at my job to be head of Ortho, what can I say?" Dr. Torres smiles. "Dr. Webber likes my work."

"Dr. Webber is the chief of staff." Mark informs me.

"My dads head of neurology." I say calmly liking the chocolate icing off my fork.

Just like this surprises everyone else, Dr. Torres spits the water she was drinking across the table. Mark laughs.

"Derek Shepherd has kids?" Dr. Torres exclaims looking at Mark. "He and Addison Shepherd have kids?"

"Gosh Mini D, are you going to tell every person in this hospital before you tell Derek?" Mark asks me and then to Dr. Torres. "Mini D here is just Derek's daughter, not Addison's. He doesn't know about her."

"How can you not know about your own child?" Dr. Torres exclaims.

I shrug as if it where no big deal. "Derek thought my mother had an abortion or something." I say to Dr. Torres what Mark had told me on the way up to the cafeteria in the elevator when I told him my mother was Ainslie Gambit.

"Is Derek Shepherd cable of having a child?" Dr. Torres asks Mark. "He lives in a trailer for God shakes!"

"I'm sure Derek will make a great dad," Mark sticks up for me. "What do you think, Mini D?"

I nod my head in agreement, but god him saying Mini D after every sentence is getting kind of annoying. Just then, Dr. Torres's page goes off.

"Well," Dr. Torres says getting up from her seat. "I've got to go." She then turns to me. "Good luck kid," she begins to walk towards the doors of the cafeteria. "You're going to need it."

Mark and I sit there and watch as she walks away. I feel butterflies in my stomach and my heart begins to pound faster. I have so many mixed feelings about meeting Derek Shepherd I don't really know what to think him anymore. I'm not so excited as I was earlier to meet him. Now I'm nervous. Now I'm more then nervous. I'm petrified. When I got here, I thought I knew exactly what to expect and after being here for a few hours I don't. I have no idea what's going to happen. I am not looking forward to being let down. I'm scared. I feel like a child who thinks there are monsters living under their bed. I guess, I guess that's why I am leaning on Mark so much. If everything does go to hell, I know he'll be still be here in the end.

* * *

"Are you ready?" Mark asks me.

Mark and I are standing outside Derek's office door. The venetian blinds, which cover the glass windows of his office, are closed. My whole body is shaking a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I am by no means prepared for what's going to happen next. The man in the picture I had come across on the Internet will soon be real. He won't be a fantasy or a dream anymore. He will be alive, moving, and speaking. I don't know what Derek's reaction will be after I tell him the news. That's why I'm bringing Mark with me for moral support. I reach out my hand to knock on the door but stop myself. I turn around to Mark. I knew he knew how terrified I was.

"It's okay," he says about to start giving me one of his famous pep talks. "You got this Mini D. Everything will be okay. You're a Shepherd."

I nod and take a breath. It's now or never. I knock on the door and wait a few seconds before I let Mark and myself into the big office and there he is, my father Derek Shepherd sitting at his big oak desk in his dark blue scrubs, his face in his hands. I stand there frozen in the doorway of the office unable to move until Mark pushes me forward.

"Go on," Mark whispers to me shoving me closer to Derek's desk. Mark closes the office door behind us loudly, getting Derek's attention.

Derek looks up from the files he was pretending to be reading to see Mark and I standing in front of his desk.

"Get out," he says quietly but raises his voice the second time he yells it. "Get out of my office Mark."

"Chill out Derek," Mark says trying to stay calm. I knew Mark was angry at Derek too and if I wasn't in the room he would have gone at him.

"Chill out Mark? You slept with my fucking wife and decided to sell your practice in New York and move here to Seattle to try and get my wife back. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Addison and I are trying to work on our marriage and you're not helping any by being here." Derek slams his fist down on his desk angrily making me jump.

"There's a kid in the room Derek, gosh" Mark says and then adds. "I came back here to try and get our friendship back. How many times to I have to apologize?"

"Well I got news for you Mark Sloan," Derek rages as he stands up and leans on his desk. "Apologize as many times as you want but I am never going to be friends with you. You're a fucking cheater and a man whore. Get your ass out of my office and out of this hospital."

I've had just about enough of this. Derek obviously had anger issues. I mean I understand him being mad at Mark for sleeping with his wife and everything but I was on Mark's side. I think it would be cool if my father and Mark could be friends. I also think Derek as taken this a little too far.

"Will you two just shut up?" I yell out of no where. Derek and Mark both stare at me blankly. "Now apologize to each other," I demand them.

"There is no way I'm apologizing to him," Derek says sitting back down in his chair.

I look at Mark and raise my eyebrows. "Mark?"

Mark drops his head and looks at his shoes. "I'm sorry Mini D."

I shake my head frustrated. "No to him," I point to Derek sitting behind his desk.

"Mini D?" Derek asks as he leans forward on his desk and causing Mark to look back up.

"Yeah," Mark smiles. "Mini D as in Mini Derek. Mini you," he tries to explain his nickname for me.

"Mini me?" Derek asks even more confused.

"Mini you," Mark said again in a more strict tone. "As in your daughter Mini you…" Mark informs Derek, knowing that it would have taken me much longer to tell Derek then if he did it himself.

"Mini me?" Derek says again. "I have a daughter? Mark what the hell are you talking about? I don't have a daughter."

"Would you kill you to look at her for a second? She looks exactly like you for crying out loud. She's a mini you!"

"Can you stop with the mini me's Mark?"

I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest as Derek head turns towards where I'm standing. Derek and Mark are about to go at it again. This time, it's not going to be over Addison. It's going to be over me.

"Mini D," he says as he struggles for words. "What…how….who…are you?"

"I'm your daughter, Julia Carolyn Shepherd." I say like it's no big deal. Like I've always been his daughter. Well, I always have but it's not like him nor I had always known about it.

"Shepherd?" Derek looks at me like he's just seen a ghost. He's in shock. I would be too if I were him.

"Yeah," I nod my head. "I don't really know why my mother gave me your last name considering she's never told you about me or me about you for that matter. I guessed she liked it better then her own."

Mark snickered when I made that comment. Derek was still having trouble trying to put words together. I decided to help his memory a little bit because obviously he was having trouble remembering who my mother was or is. I know I am speaking as if she is dead because in reality, my mother is dead to me.

"Gambit, Ainslie Gambit." I say to break the silence, which I am surprised there is. Considering Mark and Derek have been going neck and neck since we've entered the Derek's office. "It's okay if you don't remember her Derek," I continue. "She probably doesn't remember you. She's fucked up right now. She probably doesn't remember me either. So there you go, it's a win win situation." I can fell the anger rushing through me. I hate talking about my mother. If I'd ever see her again, I swear I'll make her pay for what she did to me. My mother ruined my life.

I start pacing back and fourth across Derek's rather large office trying to get my mind of my mothers past mistakes and back into the present. God, I hated my mother. I hated everything she ever did to me. I clenched my hands into fists as I walked focusing on my breaths.

"Mini D," Mark says worried and stands in front of me blocking my way to the other side of the office, making me stand still in my path.  
"Get out of my way Mark," I hiss at him through my teeth and I try to walk around him. Mark stands in front of me again and grabs my arms which where dangling against my sides. He holds them and me there tightly so I can't move. My body feels like it's going to explode any minute. Mark wasn't helping any either. "Let go of me," I snarl as I try and break free of his grip.

"Look at me, Mini D," Mark says not letting go as I struggle to get out of his grip.

I can't look at him because I'm about to cry again. So I look anywhere else then at Mark. I look out the window to the parking lot below. I then look at a sad, frustrated, disappointed, confused Derek, who's probably thinking I'm crazy, who probably doesn't want me. I want to tell Derek how much my mother's hurt me. I want him to make everything better. I want him to make the hurt go away but I know he can't. I know that's impossible. So instead, I just look at my father with pleading eyes.

"Your mother and I, it was complicated," Derek says trying to find words to explain to me what happened between them.

I shook my head disappointedly as more tears feel out of my eyes. I didn't want to believe it. I had this whole story in my head about my mother and father being in love. It couldn't wasn't like that. It couldn't have been. But then again, all relationships are complicated.

"Ainslie's sister, Kate and I had been dating for a while," Derek says blinking to hold back tears. I can't look at him. I refuse to look at him so I turn my head away. "It was Freshman year of college, Kate and I had both applied to an internship in California that summer. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Only Kate got accepted and I was pissed. I was jealous that she got accepted and I didn't. We got into this big fight. Kate was gone and I was a mess. One night, Kate called to tell me she was staying in California. She said we were over and that she found somebody else. So I slept with Kate's younger sister, your mother, Ainslie to get back at Kate for hurting me. I swore it was going to be a one-time thing. Ainslie was 16."

"Stop," I yell at Derek through my tears. I couldn't hear anymore of this. "Stop!"

Derek didn't stop. He kept talking. I guessed he thought that if he explained things to me everything would be better. That wasn't gong to happen though.

"I knew it was wrong. I was just so angry. Then one night there was a phone call. A taxi hit Kate while she was crossing the street. Kate was dead. She was gone just like that." Derek explained through his own tears. "Then things got even worst. At Kate's funeral, Ainslie came and told me she was pregnant. She asked me what I wanted to do. She told me her parents wanted her to have an abortion. She told me she didn't want to but if she didn't have one her parents would disown her. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle a child and we were still in shock over Kate's death. It was just too much. I…I…I" Derek looked up at me. His same blue eyes locked on mine. "I told Ainslie she should do what her parents wanted. If word had gotten on that that child was mine, it would have been hell for all of us. Ainslie agreed with me. I went back to college and that was the last time I ever saw her. Kate's funeral was the last time anyone every saw her."

I wanted to slap Derek. I was so angry with him that it took every bone in my body to hold me back from doing so. How could a father just stand there and tell hir daughter that he never wanted her. How could he tell her that he was never in love with her mother and that her mother and his daughter meant nothing to him? Warm sharp tears hit my cheeks as I struggled for breaths and as I struggled to find words to say. I wanted to show him how much his words had hurt me. I walk up to the big brown wooden desk Derek is sitting behind. I lift my arm up and with it I sweep it across his desk, bringing all his knickknacks and files with it and push them on the floor. I then learn over Derek's desk so I'm inches from his face.

"You are the biggest ass I've ever met in my life. I hope you die in hell," I whisper to Derek so only he can hear.

I then begin to walk around the office. I take off a painting of a harbour and ferry boat from his grey wall and slam it on the ground. "I HATE YOU!" I scream as glass shatters every and then I reach for a framed certificate hanging next to the painting. I smash that too. Derek just sits there. But what I'm most surprised about is the fact that Mark hasn't stopped me. I'm surprised Mark hasn't said anything. He hasn't moved since Derek told me about my mother. His arms where across his chest, his skin was pale, his eye's full of sadness. I continue to move around Derek's office smashing what ever else was around, breaking everything in sight and when there's nothing else I break, I reach my hand for the door handle.

"I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" I scream through my tears at Derek one last time before I open the door to his office.

"Mini D," Mark says softly as I walk out of the office and slam the door behind me as I hear Mark yelling at Derek."Really Derek?" he's saying. "That girl has been through enough already and that's what you tell her?"

I then begin to run down the hallway, not looking back, never wanting to see Derek Shepherd again.

* * *

**Please review, favourite, whatever….the more reviews I get the faster I'll update.**

**I just wanted to clear a few things up, like you know the italics are Julia's memories. She remembering these things as she goes along in the story. Julia met Addison when she was hospitalized from the drug bust. Addison happened to be walking by Julia's room and heard her crying. She wasn't her doctor or anything. She and Derek where married at the time but had just been married for about a year and Addison was still using her maiden name around the hospital to avoid confusion. So that's why Julia hasn't realized the Dr. who came into her hospital room when she was younger was Addison. **

**Anyway, what did you think of the Derek and Julia drama? **


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_I am four and a half years old now. My long brown curly hair is up in a pony tale on the top of my head tied with a purple hair bobby. I am wearing a purple tee shirt like dress with purple tights. I am sitting on a floor in a big room with toys all around me. I am sitting there playing with my doll I got to keep from home. She and my blanket where the only toys I got to keep from my apartment. A lady named Rebecca is sitting on the floor with me. She told me I couldn't go back to my apartment anymore because it wasn't safe. She also told me I couldn't see my mommy anymore because it wasn't safe. I knew my mommy was gone but I didn't understand why I couldn't see her anymore. My mommy even though she didn't love me wasn't a bad person. She wasn't bad like Frank was. If my mommy was bad like Frank was she would have died like Frank did. If people do something bad they die. That's why Frank died. When I got better from being shot, Ms. Rebecca took me here to this big building called a group home. There are lots and lots of kids here. I don't talk to the other kids because I don't know how. I've never talked to other kids before. Every week, Ms. Rebecca brings me to this room and tries to get me too tell her what happened when I got shot and my mommy got taken away. That's what she's trying to do today. "You're wearing a lot of purple today," Ms. Rebecca complements me. "In the hospital," I tell Ms. Rebecca as I brush my dolls hair. "Dr. Montgomery whore a purple top when she talked to me. Purple is my favourite color." I smile happily. "You talk about Dr. Montgomery and the hospital a lot," Ms. Rebecca smiles back at me. "It makes you very happy when you talk about it doesn't you?" I nod my head and continue to brush my dolls hair. "But you know Julia," Ms. Rebecca says softly. "You were in the hospital a long time ago. You haven't seen Dr. Montgomery for a long time. Do this make you sad?." I sit there quiet and nod my head. "She was very nice to me and I was very mean to her. I wish I could say sorry to Dr. Montgomery because she's the best person in the whole world. I want to be just like her when I grow up." "You want to be a doctor?" Ms. Rebecca asks me. I shake me head and smile so wide my teeth show. "Dr. Davis told me Dr. Montgomery was a surgeon. I want to be a surgeon and save lives when I grow up." Ms. Rebecca nods and writes something in her book. "We're talking a lot about what makes you happy but we didn't talk about what makes you sad. Things make you sad right? What are some things that make you cry?" I sit there confused as I struggle to answer the question. "My mommy makes me cry sometimes. She makes me sad because I miss her very very much." I fiddle with my dolls hair some more. "Ms. Rebecca," I ask her sadly. "Will I get to see my mommy again? She didn't do anything bad. My mommy was a good mommy. She sung me Guns N' Roses songs." "Did your mommy hurt you?" Ms. Rebecca asks me like she does every Friday. I shake my head and as I do my pony tale bounces from side to side. "My mommy never hurt me," I lie to her. Ms. Rebecca looks me right in the eye. She isn't joking around. "If you don't tell us what hurts you," Ms. Rebecca says. "Then me and the other workers here can't make it better for you." "I don't want to talk to you," I tell Ms. Rebecca. "I want to talk to Dr. Montgomery and you don't have to make everything better. Grownup candy makes everything better." "What's grownup candy?" Ms. Rebecca asks me confused as I stand up and skip across the big room to the door on the other side. "I'll tell you what grownup candy is," I say to her as I push open the door. "Only if I can talk to Dr. Montgomery." I then skip out of the room and down the hallway humming the song, "Sweet O' Child of Mine". _

Even when I was four years old, I was a smart kid. Like I said, I knew how to get what I want and I knew what I wanted. I knew how to keep a secret; even it was a bad secret. I knew how to crumble all my problem up in the back on my mind and keep it them too myself. I was very picky picking people to trust and when I found someone, I just knew. I knew they where trustful. Also knew how to put a pretend smile and pretend everything is fine when really you're dying on the inside. Let just say all these things get better with practice. Sometimes though, keeping everything inside, you can't take it any longer and the words just come out like vomit. Sometimes you explode and the words you say can be hurtful. Sometimes people don't understand because they think talking about our problems solves everything. I've never tried it and never will. My problems are my problems and they are better left unsaid.

It feels like I've just been running circles around the surgical ward of the hospital, not getting anywhere. Not being able to bring myself to get on the elevator. So I decided to take the stairs. Instead of doing the reasonable thing of walking down five floors of stairs, I'm too tired so I do the opposite. I walk up one set of stairs to the maturity ward. I walk until I find a quite deserted hallway and my tired body collapses onto the ground as tears continue down my very wet red face. My breathing becomes faster and more panic as I try not to concentrate on what just happened in Derek's office. All I want to do is forget that even happened. I can hear the click of high heels echoing through the hallway.

"I'm going to kill Mark," I hear a familiar pissed off voice say.

I stop crying for a minute and look up to see Addison Shepherd walking towards me.

"He's like a freaking child, playing pranks and then when you ask him to actually help you with something he acts like such a fucking jerk!" Addison stops walking and lets out a heavy sigh, pushing her hair back out of her face.

There's silence for a long time as I listen to Addison try and control her breathing. I watch her, too busy trying to deal with her own problems and thoughts which, seem to be exploding out of her head, to notice me sitting with my side against the wall, my body in a spooning position, one hand leaning on the floor for balance and the other clutching my stomach trying to control myself. I watch her pace around in a circle mumbling words under her breath that I couldn't quite hear. Her mumbles begin to get louder as she kicks an empty paint can with all her might. I guess I'm not the only one with problems around here.

"FUCK!" she screams into the deserted hallway, causing me to lose my balance and fall backwards into the pile of dusty unused hospital equipment beside me. This noise brings Addison back into reality as she turns around suddenly to face me.

"Oh sorry," she muttered under her breath. "I didn't see you there."

I push myself up into a sitting position. "It's okay," I respond quietly. "It's no big deal because nobody every does."

Addison jumps surprised that I talked. She walking over to where I am sitting and with her hands pressed against her sides, she looks down on me. Her tall heals make her looks like a giant.

"You're the girl who was with Mark earlier," Addison says recognizing me. "See what I mean?" She throws her hands up in the air and shakes her head in disgust. "You ask him to do one thing and he does the total opposite. He's thinks he's all fun and games and yet he doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. He couldn't even take you back to your room, for god shakes he's such an ass." Addison huffed.

"I like Mark," I say in his defense. "You're not mad about the whole prank thing, you're mad at him because he won't go back to New York and as much as he wants you back he's willing to put his feelings towards you aside because he wants his best friend back. Mark's not all cold hearted like you all think he is. And besides if it where me, I wouldn't want to go back to New York either. That place fucking sucks" I mumble.

I could easily tell Addison was confused. Wouldn't anyone be if they were in her situation- getting advise from a teenager they didn't even know? Addison sinks down against the wall because me.

"New York doesn't suck," she saying defending the state and then she turns her head to look at me. "Did Mark decide that picking up a hot nurse was more important then bringing you back to your hospital room?"

I shake my head and try to blink back tears. "I'm not a patient. I don't have a hospital room. I don't have any room for that matter. Mark is in Derek's office right now yelling at him because he was mean to me." Tears begin to fall from my eyes again. Addison reaches over and rubs my back to claim me down.

"I understand that it wasn't going to be happy families when I told him he was my dad. I know he has like this great life and doesn't want me in it but he could have just told me that instead of going into a how nobody wanted me at all speech." I look up at Addison with sad helpless eyes. She's speechless so I continue to talk, not knowing what to do. "I know he didn't know how to explain what happened to me. I get that but he didn't have to rub it in my face that I was a mistake. People have been mean to me my whole life." I sniff not sure why I'm telling a complete stranger my sob story but, I just can't help it. It's coming out. "Well not everyone was mean," I correct myself remembering Dr. Montgomery. "I was in the hospital when I was younger and one night I woke up crying because I wanted my mom and she wasn't there. Then this doctor, Dr. Montgomery came in my hospital room and tried to comfort me. She was so nice about everything and I just didn't understand. I thought she was going to hurt me so I screamed and cried and did everything I could to make her go away because I was scared. She left and never came back. All I wanted was for her to come back," I explain between sobs. "And…And…And….Mark. He's nice too. I'd think it would be cool if he and Dr. Shepherd would be friends again you know?" I cough because all this crying in making my throat sore.

Addison nods and struggles for words. "D…D…Derek…Dr. Shepherd, my husband is actually you father? You and Mark weren't joking?" Our eyes meet, her own filled with tears of hurt and betrayal.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I say under my breath. "He doesn't want me. It doesn't—"

Addison cuts me off, "It does matter. Don't you dear say it doesn't matter because it dose. I know Derek and I know he wouldn't walk out on a child. The thing is," Addison, tries to explain to me. "That as doctors we are good around children all the time. The majority of the times we know what's wrong and we know how to cure them or how to help them. We know how to work with children. But when…when it comes to a situation like yours, when the child is theirs, nobody teaches us how to handle these situations. We may seem like we know everything and we do know a damn lot when it comes to children and medical situations but this…we don't know this. Derek doesn't know this."

"I don't know this either," I admit.

"Nobody does," Addison forces a smile. "Both Derek and I have been through a lot and-"

"You don't need to explain, Dr. Shepherd." I say calmly though I'm dying on the inside. "Rumors spread like crazy around here."

Addison pushes her self up to her feet and then helps me up.

"Well," She says. "That saves me from having to explain why Derek and I aren't exactly getting alone at the moment. But what do you say we go get Derek and get the hell out of here? I've had enough of this place for one day, haven't you?"

I nod in agreement, drying my eyes. Shocked though, at how nice Addison turned out to be. Surprised by the fact that Mark was right about something else. Surprised by the fact that she wanted to take a complete stranger who she didn't even know home. I watch as Addison begins to walk down the hallway towards the elevators.

"You coming?" She turns around to ask me.

All I can do is smile as I hurry after her.

* * *

"We just can't take her home Addison!" Derek yelled at her. "She's a stranger. We don't know where she came from. We just don't know her."

"She's a kid Derek!" Addison yelled back at him. "She's your daughter!"

On the way out of the hospital, Addison and I had gone back to Derek's office and when Addison had suggested that I go home with them, all hell broke lose. I was sitting on the couch pretending not to pay attention to the fighting, that being a little hard to do since Addison and Derek where pretty much yelling at each other's faces.

"How can I take her home Addison?" Derek continued to holler at her. "She ran away from somewhere and people are probably looking for her. We need to give her back to wherever she came from! We just can't take her. Her mother, she's missing and her mother is probably worried sick. Things don't work like that! We can't take her"

"Then why don't you ask her? She's sitting right there. Ask her where the hell she came from then, if that makes you happy."

Both their eyes turned from each other to me waiting for my response. I don't feel like explaining where the hell I came from to them because they'll send me back. That's the last thing I want is to go back to New York. I decide to ignore them. My eyes wonder around the plain grey walls, knowing it was my fault they became so plain. I hated this office. I hated everything about this place. I just wanted to get out of it so I answered their question.

"I'm from New York," I reply. "Ainslie is a drug addict. I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her since I was three years old. I'm in foster care. I live with a foster family who hates me. They probably haven't even realized I'm missing yet."

They stare of me with uncertainty in their eyes. I watch, as Derek's blue eyes grow softer.

"I don't understand," Derek says baffled. "Ainslie isn't…she wasn't…the type of person to—"  
"Well she did Dr. Shepherd," I say angrily back at him.

"Now you know Derek," Addison says upset. "You wanted to know so badly where she came from and now you know. Can I please take…" Addison looks at me, unsure what my name is. "Your daughter home."

"Julia," I mutter under my breath.

"Just do whatever the hell you want to Addison, you always get your way in the end. But I want a DNA test done. I'm not coming home until Mini D gets tested." Derek storms angrily out of his office.

"Derek," Addison says shocked, but it's too late he's gone. She turns to look at me. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say."

"How come you're not mad?" I ask.

Addison walks over to the couch and sits down beside me. She puts her hand over my shoulders and pulls me closer.

"Some things aren't worth getting mad about. I've been so angry recently that I don't have any anger left at Derek. You happened before we where married. He didn't know about you. It wasn't your fault."

"I don't want to be here anymore," I say exhausted and alone.

"I think you've been through enough for one day," Addison agrees with me getting up to her feet. "Let's go home. We'll deal with this tomorrow"

I smile up at her with my tired scared eyes. I never used the word home before. I never had a home. I've had random apartments and foster families and different group homes throughout the state but I've never had a home. Even if it was, remembering back to what Dr. Torres said, a trailer. It was home. Despite everything that happened today, I was going home.

"Let's go home," I repeat Addison's phrase and follow her out of Derek's office. I finally had a home. This made up for everything that went wrong today. So maybe, just maybe there is still a small little bit of hope to hold on to.


	7. Chapter 7

Please review, the more reviews the sooner I'll update. I would really like to know what you think of this chapter. I kind of had a bit of trouble writing it...but I kind of like how it came out.

Oh and one more thing, Julia hasn't realized that Addison is Dr. Montgomery. I was going to make her realize in this chapter but I decided to do that for the next chapter, because there's going to be a huge twist, kind of I guess.

Enjoy :)!

* * *

Chapter Seven

**When you're little, nighttime is scary, because there are monsters hiding under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. Self doubt…loneliness…regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark.**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_I awake screaming from a horrible nightmare. It's a nightmare about Frank. It's a nightmare about my mommy. "Mommy," I scream and fight and kick thinking Frank is still on top of me. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" I continue to yell until my face is red with tears. All my screaming wakes all the other kids up who are sleeping in the same room as me. "Looks like the little freak is having another nightmare!" an older girl sleeping a few beds down says snarling. "Get the freak to shut up," another girl says. "Morrison will be mad at all of us if you don't." Morrison was what the kids called the lady who owned this place. She was the boss lady. If you ever did something bad, you went to her office for a punishment. Sometimes the punishments were really bad. "Shut the hell up," yet another girl yelled at me. The older girl jumps on my bed and sits on me. She puts one of her hands over my mouth and the other in a fist in the air. She's about to punch me. Frank punched me before because I ran and hit when he came over. Frank was really mad. "Stop crying like a baby," the girl says so only I can hear. "I'm not in the mood for getting another strap and neither are you. So suck it up little freak and next time you have one of your stupid nightmares, I'll punch the shit right out of you." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I say my mouth still muffled in her hand. "You better mean it," she says getting off me. "A black eye won't be the only thing you're getting. I'll cut off all your hair in your sleep as well." The chatter that fills the room falls quiet. "Are we clear?" the girl asks. I nod because I don't want to lose my hair. My hair is the best part of my body. And to make sure, I don't have a nothing nightmare that night, I force myself to stay awake. So I lie on my back look up at the dark ceiling whimpering as tears begin to fall from my face. _

_It's the next day. I'm sitting at a table clutching my doll tightly. Sitting beside me is Ms. Rebecca. A lady named Elizabeth and a man named Jeff are sitting across from us. "I like your shirt," Jeff says smiling at me. I squirm a little in my seat. Frank used to smile at me. I'm a little bit scared. "Is purple your favourite color?" Elizabeth asks me. I nod my head as my eyes stay focus on my lap. Today I'm wearing a purple long sleeved top with a jean jumper over it and the same purple tights I had on yesterday. "Elizabeth and Jeff are nice people," Ms. Rebecca explains to me. "They want to take you home. You should talk to them. They're not mean." My head goes up straight to look at them. I don't like them. I want to go to my apartment with my mommy or Dr. Montgomery. Not these people. "Your doll is very pretty," Elizabeth says looking at my doll. I hold it closer to me, if that's even possible because I'm already holding it so tight we can't breath. "What's her name?" "Montgomery," I whisper through my trembling lips. "That's an interesting name for a doll." "Dr. Montgomery was a doctor in the hospital. Dr. Davis was too. He took the gun shot out of me." My eyes light up. I just love talking about the hospital. I love talking about Dr. Montgomery and all the other doctors and nurses in there. "Are you guys doctors?" I ask Elizabeth and Jeff as they exchange glances. Jeff shakes his head. "I'm a electrician. Elizabeth is between jobs at the moment." I nod understanding. My mommy never had a job. "Would you like to come home with us?" Elizabeth asks me softly. "Are you taking me back to my apartment to see my mommy?" I ask. "No," Elizabeth shakes her head. "You'll come stay with me and Jeff for a little while. Does that sound like fun?" "No," I say without questioning her statement. "No. I don't want to go to your house. I want to go back to Mike's house. I want my mommy or Dr. Montgomery to take me home." "Julia," Ms. Rebecca says trying to claim me down. "You can't go back to Mike's house. He's not there anymore. I think you owe Jeff and Elizabeth an apology considering they do want to take you home with them." I don't say anything. "Hey, know what." Jeff says suddenly. "On the way home, how about we stop by the hospital and then you can see Dr. Montgomery for a little bit. Wouldn't that be fun." I jump up and down in my seat excitedly. "Yes, oh yes!" I say the happiest I've been since I got to this horrible scary place. "I would love to. I'll be really really good. I promise. Can I go please please? Let's go to your house now." I jump up and start running towards the stairs. "Hold on there!" Ms. Rebecca says. "You can go in a little bit. Why do you go to your bed and get you things ready with Elizabeth. Jeff needs to fill out some papers and by the time you are packed, you'll be able to go." I skip of happily towards the room filled with beds as Elizabeth follows me. I couldn't believe I was finally getting to go see Dr. Montgomery. _

I wasn't like most children who were scared of the monsters under their beds or in their closets. To me, closets and underneath beds were safe. They were places I could hide to get away from the things that scared me. Sometimes, I hid in these places to get away from Frank or one of my mom's friends or even my mom herself. The difference between me and most kids was that the monsters they visualized weren't real. My monsters I was scared of were real. Frank was a monster and sometimes when my mom was drunk or high, she was the monster. When I was younger even though Frank was dead, he still scared me and he still does. Everything about him is going to stay with me forever even though; I'm dying to forget. When I was little, I was scared of people. I was scared of men who looked like Frank. I was scared of all men. I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I lived in fear everything thinking he would come through my nightmares and get me. I never told anyone about Frank because I was afraid. I was afraid of what might happen to me. I was afraid because I pretended Frank wasn't real. I pretended Frank wasn't a person. I pretended Frank was the monster. Frank was the bad guy who haunted my nightmares. I had nobody when I was younger to hold me and tell me Frank wasn't going to hurt me anymore because he was dead because nobody knew about him, having told nobody about him. Even though he was dead, he still hurt me every night in my dreams and tonight it was no exception.

"STOP!" I awoke sitting up screaming not knowing where I was. Not knowing if I was still sleeping or awake. "STOP FRANK PLEASE!" I yelled into the darkness of the night.

Suddenly, a light turned on and it wasn't dark anymore. I felt somebody's hand on my shoulders as they shook me to get me back to reality.

"PLEASE DON'T FRANK," I yell again refusing to open my eyes.

"Julia wake up," a familiar voice says, one I recognize from my childhood. "I'm not going to hurt you,"

I continue to squeeze my eye shut as I listen to the voice talk. I know it from somewhere. I just can't remember where and I want to remember. I want to remember so badly where I know the voice from. Except I can't, so I open my eyes to see Addison sitting on my bed beside me, which makes me remember the events that happened from earlier. I sit up a little bit more and hug my legs against my chest I rest my chin on my knees.

"Where are we?" I ask her quietly and confused.

"You're in Seattle in mine and Derek's trailer."

The trailer. Now I remember. I remember when Addison drove up to this sliver aluminum camper trailer type thing saying, "We're home." I remember thinking about how it was the worst place I've ever stayed at. I remember being shocked. I knew Dr. Torres had said trailer but I didn't picture a camper trailer. I've stayed at pretty bad places and apartments through out my life but nothing compared to this piece of junk trailer sitting in the woods in the middle of nowhere. I mean it wasn't a piece of junk but it didn't look like much to be honest. I had pictured one of those house trailers in a trailer park when Dr. Torres had said trailer. I now understood why she'd said trailer like she did. And my bed wasn't really a bed. It was the table with Addison had lowered and somehow magically turned it into a bed.

"Are you okay?" She asks me concerned when I don't respond.

I manage to nod my head. "I'm sorry for waking you up." I look down at my feet. I'm waiting for some angry words, maybe a beating, or to get soap in my mouth but nothing happens. "Aren't you going to get the soap?" I ask her as she looks at me confused.

"What soap?"

"Nothing. Never mind," I mumble under my breath.

Addison and I sit there as we listen to the rain hit the trailers roof.

"Well, since we are up, why don't we go back to the hospital and pick up some magazines and get some snacks from the cafeteria. We can hang out in my office and once your ready to sleep again, we'll find a free on call room to crash in."

I'm speechless. I've never done everything like this before. It's the middle of the night. But it sounds fun and Addison never questioned me about the nightmares either. Every talks about how step mothers are wicked and evil, like in you know the movie Cinderella? But I think it's going to be fun having a stepmother around.

* * *

I awake the next morning to the sound of a door closing, startling me so much, I fall off the couch and onto a pile of magazines which where on the floor.

"Mini D!" I hear a male voice say as I open my eyes to see Mark standing in the office. "What the hell happened in here?" He asks looking around the place.

Addison's whole office is a complete disaster zone. There's magazines covering most of the floor up and where there weren't magazines, there were popcorn and pieces of chips. In the middle of all that sat a half eaten, melted tub of rocky road ice cream and an opened pizza box with only a couple of pieces left inside it. All I remembered was a lot of going through magazines, a lot of eating and then a lot of dancing to songs I didn't even know. Then, there was a lot of yelling as Derek had come in to tell Addison he needed her help in surgery which Addison had refused to go to because she wanted to spend time with me and not to mention the fact that Meredith Grey would be scrubbing in on the surgery as well which made Addison even more furious as she had begun to throw pieces of popcorn at Derek causing him to leave, Addison in tears. Derek then had come back seconds later with Dr. Webber whom everyone called the Chief. Addison, unaware that Dr. Webber was there threw the piece of pizza in her hands at Derek who ducked and therefore it landed right on the Chief's face. Causing the Chief to begin yelling at both of the explaining how childish they were being and because Addison had thrown the pizza at him, he let Derek win the argument, so therefore Addison had no choice but to scrub in for surgery.

"Hell," I moaned, yawning and standing up on my feet and then flopping back down on the couch I had passed out on.

Mark collapses down beside me. "It looks like that."

"It was horrible," I grumble, still not having completely woken up yet. "Derek and Addison had a fight and Addison refused to scrub in to monitor Derek's pregnant patient during the surgery Derek had to do because Meredith was assisting him. The Chief had to come and settle the argument and Addison attempted to throw pizza at Derek but it hit the Chief so he made her scrub in."

"I missed that?" Mark says stunned

"I thought my life was messed up," I say to Mark. "But this hospital. This mess Addison and Derek are in-"

I'm cut off my Mark's laughter; probably trying to picture what went down last night. I begin laughing to. We both laugh so hard we're clutching our stomachs because of the pain. We both laugh so hard there are tears in my eyes. Laughing is the best medication for anything. I haven't laughed this hard over something in a long time. Our laughing is stopped as Addison walking into her office. Her body, her energy was drained and there were dark circles under her sleepless eyes. She was no longer in her sweatpants and _Yale_ tee-shirt she was wearing earlier when we arrived at the hospital. She was now wearing a navy pair of scrubs and a white doctors jacket over her scrubs. Addison looked like her was going to burst any second. She turned to Mark and I sitting on the couch and opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Mark broke the silence.

"Mini D," he turns to me, his eyes serious. Not playful like they were a few minutes ago. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 50-dollar bill. "Go down to the cafeteria a get some coffee or breakfast or something okay?"

That's adult talk for get out of this office now before Addison pulls somebody's head off. Even though food is the last thing one my mind right now, I take the 50 dollar bill and leave Addison's office.

I'm don't want to go the cafeteria so I walk towards the nurses station, maybe to listeni into some gossip. I stand against the wall, close by for a few minutes listening to the nurse chat about nothing I didn't already know about. I yawned, still tired for last night so I headed towards a door marked _on call room_ which Addison had mentioned last night would be okay to sleep in. Thankfully it's empty and I climb up to the top bunk, close my eyes and attempt to go to sleep. Except that doesn't quite get to happen as I hear a bunch of ruffling, the sound of clothes coming off, the door closing, and laughter as the couple banged into something. I move onto my back, look at the ceiling and plug my hands over my ears to block out the moans. I lay there awkwardly unsure what do.

"Derek," I hear a female voice say between the kissing and the breathing.

"Merei-"

I sit up as I listen to the heavy breathing, the moans and not to mention my fathers name being said by a voice that had to be someone ones other then Addison's because Addison was in her office. The voice obviously had to be Meredith's. I sit on the side of the bed, feet dangling in the air, looking down at a top less Meredith Grey and my father as he began to kiss her neck and work his lips was down her body. I was seriously scarred for life. I reach over on the bunk, grab the pillow and then drop it down on both their heads, making them look up at me. Meredith shrieked, realizing she and Derek weren't the only people in this on call room. She quickly grabbed the pillow I had thrown down at them to cover her exposed chest with. While Derek stopped kissing her stomach and looked up at me, he opened his mouth and then shut it realizing it was me sitting there.

"J..Ju…M…Mini….Mini D?" He struggles with his words to find the right name for me.

"Do you mind?" I roll my eyes, annoyed. "I'm trying to sleep because I did get a lot last for some reason." I glare at him then jump down off the top bunk and onto the floor. I turn to Meredith. "Who are you?" I ask even though I know exactly who she is.

"Mer—" Meredith begins except I cut her off.

"I know who you are," I interrupt her. "You're the intern that's fucking my father."

"Father? Derek?" Meredith looks at Derek with helpless eyes and a pale face as if she's just seen a ghost.

I then walk towards the door, about to push it open. "Did you forget about you wife, Dr. Shepherd?" I ask him. "You know who I'm talking about right? My stepmom, Addison Shepherd?"

"Mini D," Derek says. "I…I…Addison….you…I…Meredith" He clearly doesn't know what to say.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you," I say pushing the door open. "How's our DNA going daddy? Did you get the results back yet?" I ask rudely walking out into the hallway towards Addison's office. Figuring she and Mark had enough time to talk about whatever they wanted me gone to talk about.

I'm about to go around the corner but then get stopped by bumping into somebody.

"Sorry," I mumble looking up to see the O'Malley guy from the other day.

"Hey," he says recognizing me. "You're the girl from yesterday. Did you find what you where looking for?"

"Yeah. I did."

"Are you okay?" He asks looking at my pale face and my discouraged blue eyes with dark circles forming under them. "You look sick."

I shrug. "You would be too if you say what I just saw." I slowly continue towards the elevator and to Addison's office.

"Wait," O'Malley says running after me as I press the up button on the elevator.

"What?" I ask irritated. I right, after what went down in the on call room, I'm really not in the mood for talking.

"What did you see?" O'Malley asks curious.

"Are all doctors in this hospital this nosy?" I ask even more irritated.

"I'm sorry," O'Malley apologizes. "I just…I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I don't think you are."

I turn to O'Malley as the big metal door to the elevator open.

"I know you think your some big shot doctor guy since you saved a heart in the elevator and all." I say stepping into the elevator. "But you really are too full of your self." The elevator's door closes and I press the button for the maturity ward.

A few minutes later, I finally get to Addison's office. I push open the door to tell Addison the news about Derek and Meredith only to see Mark's naked ass up in the air, his body pressed on top of a naked Addison. It's like a Derek and Meredith déjà vu all over again except with Addison and Mark, whom I thought were trying all along to get into Derek's good books. As if the Addison Derek Meredith relationship wasn't twisted enough already, Mark had to go step in the picture making it a Mark Addison Derek Meredith relationship, therefore causing the relationship to become even twistyer. The door to Addison office slams shut.

"Mini D," Mark says shocked, falling off Addison, grabbing a magazine off the ground to cover his penis.

"Mini D?" Addison looks at Mark and then back to me realizing I'm in the room. "Oh my god, Mini D!" Addison shrieks. "Mark its Mini D."

"This is all fucked up," I say going back out the office door.

I leave Addison's office not looking back. The little bit of hope which I was still holding onto was gone. Everything was gone. The family I've always wanted was gone. The only thing that wasn't gone was this nightmare I was living in. The nightmare was the only real thing in my life right now. It wasn't just Frank whom still scared me every day. It was the fact that I was unwanted, unloved and worthless. I'm falling more apart each day I continue living. It's like each day, a piece of me dies. Nothing seems worth life anymore. I have nobody and nothing to live for. I felt so lost and so alone. The only way I saw out of this mess was to end my nightmares and the only it seemed to end those was to die. Like I said, everything was gone and soon, I would be gone too.


	8. Chapter 8

**Please review. More reviews the sooner the chapter is up. I'm seriously not going to write this if people don't review. I mean I'm grateful for the people who have been reviewing, but so many of you who read my story aren't. I appreciate any feedback I get, good or bad. **

**Okay, the last chapter I said that this chapter Julia would realize that Addison was Dr. Montgomery. It didn't fit in with how I wanted to write this chapter so I promise it will be in the next chapter. So I decided to make it up to you because I felt bad about not putting the Dr. Montgomery thing, Julia and Derek share a father daughter moment instead. :) **

* * *

Chapter 8

**We don't wish for easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help, and we're scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes…they come true**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_I was sitting on my bed holding a picture I had drawn in my hands. Beside me was a bag with all my things inside it. Everything was inside it; even my blanket. Everything, except for Montgomery my doll and the picture I was holding. Elizabeth went back to where Ms. Rebecca and Jeff were to sign some papers. I'm the only person in the room so it's okay to look at my picture. I never take it out when other people are around because I'm scared they'll take my things. I'm scared they'll take my picture away. This picture was my favourite picture I had ever drawn. I drew it on a Friday with Ms. Rebecca when she asked me to draw my family. She talked a lot about families that day. She asked me about my daddy. I had asked my mom about my daddy once and she told me he was too busy saving lives to be a daddy. I told Ms. Rebecca that my daddy was a super hero. I told her he was one of the best superhero's in the world and was very busy saving lives to be my daddy but sometimes, in my dreams my daddy came and saved me from the nightmares. When I had finished coloring my picture, Ms. Rebecca asked me questions about it. She asked who the lady with red hair in the purple top was. I told her it was Dr. Montgomery. I told her I wanted Dr. Montgomery to be my mommy one day. Then she asked me why I drew my daddy with blue eyes and brown curly hair. I told her it was because when I asked my mommy once why she didn't hair brown hair like me she had said I got my looks from my daddy. Ms. Rebecca asked me why I wanted Dr. Montgomery to be my mommy one day. I told it her was because Dr. Montgomery was a doctor and saved lives just like my daddy. She was my daddy's sidekick, because all superhero's had a sidekick, well that's what Frank told me once anyway. While my daddy was saving lives during the night, Dr. Montgomery was saving lives during the day. "I'm scared daddy," I whisper to the picture in my trembling hands. "But when Elizabeth and Jeff take me to the hospital to visit Dr. Montgomery, I'm gonna give her my picture so she can find you okay?" I fold my picture up and put it into my jean jumper pocket as Ms. Rebecca, Elizabeth and Jeff come into the room. "Are you ready to go?" Ms. Rebecca asks me, picking up my bag and handing it too Jeff. I nod my head excitedly and jump up to my feet. "Maybe," Jeff says winking at me. "We can go get ice-cream on the way home, after we visit Dr. Montgomery of course." "That sounds like so much fun!" I say jumping up and down on my feet. "I'll walk you guys out to your car," Ms. Rebecca smiles and picks up Montgomery, who I forgotten about. "I think you're forgetting something," she says handing me Montgomery. "Oh," I say through my excitement. "I can't believe. I'm terribly sorry, Montgomery," I take my doll from Ms. Rebecca and hug her tightly as Elizabeth, Jeff, Ms. Rebecca and I make our way out of the building. _

_Jeff drive into a long line up of cars and turns the engine off. In front of us are four or five lineups of cars waiting. "Why are we stopped?" I asked Elizabeth and Jeff. They are the first word's I've said the whole car ride. "This isn't the way to the hospital." "See that big boat in front of us?" Elizabeth asks, pointing her pointer finger towards the boat. "It's called a ferryboat. It takes people and cars across the harbor. We need to go across the harbor to get to our house." "But the hospital isn't across the harbor." I say. "You said we could go visit Dr. Montgomery. I want to go back." "We're—" Jeff begins as Elizabeth cuts him off. "How do you know the hospital isn't across the harbor?" She asks me. "Because it's in the city and the city is that way," I answer her and turn my body and point to the city behind us. "Well, um…" Elizabeth seems confused. "Dr. Montgomery is at a different hospital. She moved hospitals. So we have to take the ferryboat to get to the hospital too." "Okay," I shrug, as our line up of cars starts moving onto the ferryboat. "Do you want to go up top?" Elizabeth asks me once the car is stopped and on the ferryboat. "It's really pretty up there." "Okay," I say. "Elizabeth," Jeff says but Elizabeth interrupts him before he can say anything. "Oh come on Jeff. We never go up top. I'd be fun. Julia wants to, please?" "I'll stay in the car," Jeff mumbles as Elizabeth comes around to my side of the car and helps me out. We walk up a lot of stairs to the very top of the ferryboat. Elizabeth lifts me up so I can see past the railings. "When I grow up," I say as the ferryboat begins to move. "I want to live on a ferryboat." Elizabeth and I watch as Manhattan becomes smaller and smaller. _

When I wished for things when I was younger, I didn't wish for the little things like a new doll or new clothes. I wished for big things. Everyone does. We all want things we can't have. Most kids though wish for a pony or a swimming pool but, while I little wished for a mother and a father. I wished for a family, a family I couldn't have. I wished to feel wanted and loved. I wished for the beatings to stop. I wished for the molesting to stop. I wished for everything to stop. But for the first time, when I was younger I wished for something different. I wished for something silly. I wished for something that made me happy. I wished to live on a ferryboat. I'll always remember that day. How just being there, riding across the harbor and despite my life being a screwed up mess. I was happy. I felt alive. I felt like a normal four year old child. That's how my thing for ferryboats started. They were just so peaceful. They made all you problems go away. That day was like the best day in my life, I mean besides the whole Dr. Montgomery thing. But having a few good days in your childhood doesn't make the bad days go away. I still wish for everything to stop. I wish for the pain to go away. I wish that my superhero daddy will come and make the nightmares go away. Even if this nightmare I'm in is happing during the day, it's worse at night. It's worse because in my dreams, I relive everything that happens during the day. For being thirteen years old, it's pretty obvious that I haven't had a normal life. Most children, their whole childhood was good. They had the perfect family, parents that wanted them, that got them everything they wanted. So to ride the ferryboat probably meant nothing to some children. But to me, that day meant everything. I felt normal. I used to wish on every birthday for a family. I didn't want the perfect family. Just a family that loved me for me. I didn't want to be perfect. I just wanted to be a normal kid. I just wanted a redo in life. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you could choose your parents before you where born? Or have you ever wondered how come people who could obviously be good parents can't have kids? I don't understand how life can be like that. I don't understand how life can be so crewel to children like me who have done nothing wrong. It's true that I used to wish so many things. It's true that I used to wish to have a normal life. Now that I'm older, I know those wishes aren't going to be true. But right now, I wish I could find enough energy to make it through the day. Lastly though, I wish my father would actually want to be my father so for once in my life, I could have a break from all the bad and have some good. But you know as much as I do, that by how things are going at the moment, that isn't going to happen. But once in a while, life comes around, kicks you in the ass, and makes you realize that the big ambitious thing you wished for has already become true and you've just be to oblivious to realize it.

I'm on my second piece of chocolate cake, sitting at one of the round tables in the cafeteria as I hear someone pull out the chair and sit down across from me. I pay no attention to the person as I continue to stuff my face with cake.

"Do you always do that?" a male's voice asks me. It's not Mark's. It one I don't recognize.

"Do what?" I ask pissed off looking up to see Derek sitting across from me.

This surprised me a little bit, okay I'm lying. This surprised me a lot. Derek hasn't exactly been supportive of this whole me being his daughter thing. So him sitting across from me, talking to me wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I was expecting either Addison or Mark, even both of them for that matter. I was expecting them to find me in the cafeteria, both of them at my knees begging to not tell Derek what I was in Addison's office a few minutes ago. I was even expecting Meredith Grey to find me here. Derek was last on my list of people. The whole entire hospital was in front of him on the list. Derek was dead last considering he did say to my face he never wanted me.

"Drown your sorrows with food," Derek gestures towards the cake.

"I don't do that!" I say offensive, wondering whom he heard that from. "Who told you I did that?"

"Mark," Derek chuckles. "Is it true that you ate three chicken finger platters yesterday? Not counting like the entire pizza you and Addie ate together."

"It wasn't my fault I spent all the money I had on a bus ticket to come here so I couldn't afford food for the two and a half days I spent on that bus," I mumble digging my fork into the cake in front of me. "And it wasn't a whole pizza," I say back at him. "It was almost a whole pizza minus the piece she threw at the Chief." I have to force myself not to smile, though that cracks me up every time I think about it.

"Now that," Derek says smiling. "That made my night. Addison can be so freaking stubborn sometimes."

"And you can't?" I glare at him and put my fork down on my plate.

"Are you done with that?" Derek says changing the subject and eyeing what's left of my chocolate cake.

Before I can respond, he drags the plate across the table, picks the fork up and eats a piece. I look at Derek like he's crazy. How dare he think he can just barge in here like that, and…and just eat my chocolate cake I bought with Mark Sloan's money, not his. But most importantly, I couldn't understand why he was acting like this. A second ago he hated me and then to top everything off, told me he didn't want me and is now sitting in front of me eating my chocolate cake?

"Are you serious?" I ask him, standing up out of my seat and then slamming my hands down on the table so hard, I make the plate shake.

"About the cake?" Derek jokes as he eats some more of it.

"Oh my God," I huff running my fingers though my hair.

"Chocolate cake is my favourite, I am being serious."

He must enjoy pushing people's buttons, because Derek Shepherd was defiantly pushing mine.

"Seriously," I say sitting back down in my seat. "Yesterday, you didn't want to havie anything to do with me, and earlier when I walked in, wait no, when you and Meredith walked in on me sleeping, you couldn't even say anything to me. And now, now you're being nice. Why are you being nice?"

Derek shrugs and leans back in his seat. "We both like chocolate cake. We must be related if we both like chocolate cake."

"Enough with the chocolate cake. And what fucking planet are you on Dr. Shepherd? We aren't related because we both like chocolate cake. We're related because you had sex with my mother and therefore had a baby, which is now me. We have the same color hair and the same color eyes. We even have the same friggin noise for crying out loud." I stop realizing the cafeteria has suddenly gone quite. I look around to see everyone staring at Derek and me. Was it seriously that hard to believe that the big shot head of neurosurgery surgeon Dr. Derek Shepherd might just have a daughter he didn't know about? When Derek didn't respond right away I continued yelling at him. "I hate you. You are such a jerk. Wait no; you're a fucking jackass. What do you want from me Dr. Shepherd?" I yelled into the silent cafeteria, my face red with anger.

"I want to be your father," Derek says calmly; with no expression on his face what so ever.

I laugh _the ha ha ha yeah right laugh_. "What's the catch?" I ask putting my hands on my hips.

"What makes you think that?" Derek raises his eyebrows. "There isn't a catch. Chocolate and stubborn." He smiles. "I really like this conversation we're having. It's like we're coming more and more related each time we talk."

"Shut up!" I yell at him in disgust. "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I don't want to be related to you, there know you get what you want. I don't want to be your daughter because you're such a jackass. I'm undaughtering you so shut up. I'm done with this conversation." I stand up to leave.

"You called me a jackass twice," Derek snickers. "And is undaughtering even a word?"

I turn my back on him and begin to walk towards the doors of the stupid cafeteria.

"You can't undaughter me," Derek says using my terminology.

I turn around furious. "Yes, Yes I can Dr. Shepherd. You said you didn't want me, so I'm undaughtering you. It's that simple."

"Well this," Derek says taking out a folded piece of paper in his pocket. "This paper says it isn't that simple. You see, this paper says that you're my daughter. The DNA—"

I cut Derek off. "You really needed a stupid test done to prove I was your daughter?" I ask walking back to the table Derek's sitting at and grab the paper out of his hand.

I open the paper up slowly only to read big words which I didn't understand the meaning to. I then decide to rip it up.

"There," I say letting the ripped up pieces of paper fall to the floor. "I undaughtered you." I lift up my foot a stomp it a few times on the paper on the ground.

"It's not that simple."

"Whatever," I say turning my back on him about to leave the cafeteria.

"Mini D," Derek says as I push open the cafeteria doors. "Since I am your father and before you go whine to Addison or Mark about all this, make you sure apologize to Dr. Grey or I will ground you for life."

"You can't ground me!" I yell as I leave the cafeteria and storm up the stairs, not having the patience to wait for an elevator and towards Addison's office.

"I hate this," I mutter to myself as past the nurses station on the fifth floor,

"Hate what?" A female voice asks.

I look up to see a short African American woman standing in front of me. One hand on her hip the other hand on a gurney with an old dude in it.

"I hate Dr. Shepherd. He's such a jackass. I didn't even do anything. They walked in on me. Now he's acting all weird and father like and making me apologize to her."

"To whom?"

"Meredith Grey. She's ruining my family and now I have to go apologize." I then noticed her scrubs. Light blue, she must be an intern. Maybe she knew where stupid Meredith Grey is. "You're an intern right? Wanna tell me where she is so I can apologize and not get grounded for life?"

"Excuse me?" the doctor asks in a voice full of boldness. "I'm no intern. I'm Dr. Miranda Bailey a fifth year resident. You better close your mouth because Dr. Shepherd doesn't look like the only jackass here. And if Dr. Shepherd tells you to do something, you stop moping and whining. You suck it up and go apologize. It's not going to ruin your little perfect life. Stop acting like a little brat. Now would you mind getting out of my way? I've got more important things to do than stand around listening to teenage girls whine about how unfair their life is. I have real lives to save. Now move."

"Your worst then Mark," I complain as I step out of the way.  
"Meredith Grey's in conference room one, with Yang. They're writing up charts." Dr. Bailey yells as she hurrys towards the open elevator in front of her. "Hold that please!"

After doing maybe fifty laps around the surgical ward, I finally find conference room one. Meredith and an Asian women whom Dr. Bailey referred to as Yang. They were sitting at the end of the big wooden table with at least a dozen light blue binders in front of them. They're too absorbed in their conversation to notice me enter the room. Of course the topic of the conversation they're having is about me.

"Derek's kid was in the on call room?" Yang laughed. "That's hilarious! I never knew Derek had a kid. Is it his and Addison's?"

"No, just his. But you should have heard her Christina. She was such a little bitch. Wanna know what she said to me?"

"Oh come on Mer, whatever it was it couldn't be that bad. She's a kid."

"She said—"

It's the perfect moment for me to step into the conversation and how dare she call me a bitch. Derek Shepherd is defiantly going to hear about his. Or better yet I'll tell Addison. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out Addison and Meredith hate each other.

"You must be the intern that's fucking my father." I finish the sentence for her. Making both Meredith and Christina look up at me.

"You know," I say standing in the doorway. "Dr. Shepherd isn't my father anymore. I undaughtered him for being such a jackass. Anyway, he thought I should apologize to you. So here I am standing in this conference room, and I just was a moment ago going to give you a warm heart felt apology about how deeply sorry I was. Which I'm not really at all and now, considering these circumstances of you calling me a bitch, we're just going to pretend I apologized. I'm going to pretend I've never seen you topless, making out with my father in the on call room, while you're going to pretend I've came in here and apologized. So when my father asks you, you're going to give Dr. Shepherd this big speech about how heart felt my apology was okay?" I ask as I turn around to leave the conference room and head towards Addison's office, were I was going to go all along.

I get to Addison's office just in time to bump into her walking down the hallway.

"I hate him. I hate her and I hate this." I say not really to Addison.

"I'm guessing Derek found you?" Addison said, taking off her glasses she was wearing and closing the binder in her hands.

"He's being all weird." Then, I decide to say the unthinkable. "I want to go back to New York."

"I thought you said New York fucking sucks," Addison says repeating what I said yesterday.

"It does," I say no having any energy to fight anymore. "This does too. And some doctor I don't even know told me off. She called me a jackass. I'm not the one being a jackass. Derek is. I'm done. I undaughtered Derek and now I'm leaving."

"You undaughtered Derek?" Addison says. "Is that even a word? How'd you manage to do that?"

"You're so much like Derek it isn't even funny," I growl. "And if you must know, I ripped up the DNA test paper. It's that simple."

"You undaughtered Derek by ripping up your DNA test results?" Addison says laughing as she tries to get her head around this whole situation.

"It's not funny," I say realizing how stupid I'm being about this whole thing, because as much as I want to you can't really become undaughtered.

"You know," Addison says through her laughter. "You say Derek and I are alike. I mean I guess we've been married so long that we think the same. But you and Derek, you're a whole other story."

"I'm nothing like him." I protest, folding my arms across my chest. I've been done with this conversation a long time ago so I decide to change the subject.

"So you and Mark Sloan?" I ask Addison. "I thought you were trying to save your marriage."

"Mark and I, it's complicated." Addison says not able to come up with a better excuse. "Julia, I'm really sorry you had to see that."

I shrug, "I've seen worst. So was he any good? I mean he better be good in bed considering you are messing up your whole marriage to sleep with him."

"I…um….know what?" Addison says. "I actually have to go deliver a baby, so um we'll talk about this later." Addison starts hurrying down the hallway. "Oh and you're going home with Derek. I'll be home after dinner. So have fun"

"I hate the stupid trailer," I yell after her and watch as she turns the corner. "I'm not going any where with Derek. He ate my chocolate cake and Meredith Grey called me a bitch." I decide stop at that realizing I'm now the only one standing in this hallway.

* * *

Derek and I had been sitting in silence for a while. We were on the ferryboat, heading back to the middle of nowhere to Derek and Addison's trailer. The whole ten minutes it took to drive from the hospital and onto the ferryboat, Derek had been small talking me. Asking me questions about my friends, about school, about my life in New York. I answered none of them, because some small talk wasn't going make up for the fact that my father missed thirteen years of my life. And truthfully, I had no friends and given up on school a few months ago due to the fact that I was failing almost everything. I certainly didn't want to go into depth about how crappy my life was because I didn't want pity from him. I didn't want anything from him to be honest.

"I'm going up top," Derek says getting out of his green SUV but before closing the door and leaving me in there he asks, "Do you want to come?"

"I hate ferryboats." I lie to him, because knowing Derek if I had said I had a thing for ferryboats, he would have added that to the list of liking chocolate cake and being stubborn.

"You know, the view is excellent up there. You can see all of Seattle. I kind of have a thing for ferryboats."

"I don't feel like it," I say not looking at him, feeling bad enough I lied about the whole thing.

"Fine," Derek says as he closes the SUV door. "Just sulk in the car then."

I sat there in the quite for a few minutes looking at the black Ford in front of me. I was dying actually to go up to the top of ferryboat, considering I did cut class everyday to ride the one in Manhattan. I couldn't take sitting there anymore so I get out of the car slamming the door behind me as I make my way up to the top of the ferryboat. After walking around the lower deck a few times, I find in at the front of the boat. His body is leaning against the side of the boat, with his arms perched on the top of the railing.

"You know," I say walking towards Derek, copy his body position and look out into the dark blue water in front of us. "I kind of have a thing for ferryboats." I turn my head and look at Derek.

"Chocolate cake, stubborn, and has a thing for ferryboats," he says with a smile.

We sit there for a second, looking out at the city in front of us. As much as I liked ferryboats, I hated the one I was on today. Like I've explained before, they make everything, all your emotions and anger go away. I become nice when I'm on ferryboats. So that's what I decide to do. I decide to be nice to Derek Shepherd. But is's just going to be until, the ferryboat stops. I promise. I swear.

"When I was younger, I wanted to live on a ferryboat. My favourite color is purple. And I like chocolate cake and rocky road ice cream. I've only had friend my whole life. Her name was Kayleigh. She was nine. I was seven. She got adopted and I didn't. I never saw her again and I've always wanted to be a surgeon when I grow up." I say continuing to look straight ahead.

It seems like we stand there for the longest time in silence. So when Derek opens his mouth to speak, it surprises me.

"I'm Derek Christopher Shepherd." Derek says. "I'm a neurosurgeon. My favourite color is indigo. I have four sisters, 9 nieces and five nephews. I like to fly fish. I like chocolate cake and coffee ice cream. I've been married for 11 years. My best friend was Mark Sloan until he went and slept with my wife. I don't have a best friend anymore. I have a daughter. She's thirteen with brown curly hair and blue eyes, like mine and we have the same nose. She's very stubborn like me, but she's mine. She's perfect."

"Are we having one of those, um father/daughter moments?" I ask still staring off into the water ahead of us.

"Don't ruin it," Derek mutters, and all I can do is laugh.

Maybe this whole father daughter thing won't be so bad after all. You know that big ambitious wish I had? Maybe, just maybe, I was one of those oblivious people and my wish I wished had been right in front of me all along.


	9. Chapter 9

Please review :) I love reading them, and thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!

I personally really like how this chapter came out, hopefully it seems realistic- does it? I worked really hard on it and had to re write it a number of times.

So let me know what you think, so the more reviews, the sooner the next chapter!

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Nine

**Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed. But sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_Jeff's been driving for a really long time. We aren't on the ferryboat anymore. We are somewhere far away from the city. I kept looking out my window hoping to see the new hospital Dr. Montgomery worked at. But, the only thing I've seen since we've got off the ferryboat has been trees with an occasional house here or there. When there aren't trees, there are really big fields with cows in them. I've seen cows on TV before. Really early in the morning, is when all the kid's shows are on TV. I usually watch them while my mom's still sleeping. I would always have to keep the volume down low so I wouldn't wake her because she would get mad at me if I woke her. On TV once in the morning there were two people singing a weird song about a farm and animals. They said that animals make animals sounds and talk to each other. I told Frank about the show once. He told me it wasn't real. He told me that kids TV always lie. He said I couldn't watch kid's TV anymore if I wanted to be a grownup. I never watched kids TV again after that. I turn my head to look out the front windshield at the endless road. "Is this the way to the hospital?" I ask Elizabeth excitedly. I couldn't wait to go see Dr. Montgomery. "What hospital?" Elizabeth asks me. "The hospital that Dr. Montgomery works at. You said we could go visit but you said she changed hospitals." "She never changed hospitals," Jeff glares at me through the rearview mirror. "I don't want to go this way anymore. I want to go back. We have to go to the hospital." I pull frantically on the door handle. "We were never going to go to the hospital," Jeff says as he keeps his eyes on the long long road in front of us. I suddenly begin to feel uncomfortable, just like when I sat down at the table with them. I didn't want to be in this car anymore. I wanted to go back to the city. "I want to go to the hospital," I say as I begin to whimper. "We thought Montgomery was your doll," Elizabeth said coolly. I nod my head. "Yes but Dr. Montgomery is a person. She's a surgeon. She's real." "Would you tell that kid to shut up," Jeff yells at Elizabeth as I begin to cry. I begin to scream, kick my feet against the seat and hit my hands on my thighs. "Ms. Rebecca told us that she didn't think Dr. Montgomery was real. She's all in your head hunny." Elizabeth informs me. "No!" I scream. "She's real! She's real! I want to go back to the city. I want Dr. Montgomery!" I feel the car slow down and I stop crying for a second because maybe Jeff's turning the car around. Maybe we're going to go back to the city were the hospital is. Maybe we're going to see Dr. Montgomery after all. Jeff reaches his hand behind him and grabs hold of Montgomery. I scream and hold onto her as tight as I could. "No! No! No!. Montgomery. Dr. Montgomery! Daddy!" I scream which surprises me a little bit. "Daddy, help me. Help me Daddy please. Daddy!" I yell through my tears as the car jerks to the side. I jerk to the side with the car. My hands slip off Montgomery. "Jeff!" Elizabeth yells at him as he takes his hand off the steering wheel and slaps Elizabeth in the face. The car rocks even more. "Shut your damn mouth." He yells to her as he as he throws Montgomery out the open window on the driver's side of the car. I scream in terror. "Montgomery! No!" Jeff turns back to look at me. His eyes are full of anger. "Now shut the fuck up. Or you'll be next." I turn my trembling body around towards the back windshield and watch Montgomery lying on the ground as she becomes smaller and smaller, just like the ferryboat. _

It's funny how a day could be the best day in your life and then suddenly, in an instant, it can changes into one of the worst. It's in that instant that sharp pain rushes through the inside of your body. It's that instant when you realize, that the pain is going to stay with you forever. As the years go by, you push that little bit of pain into the spot in the back of your head were all the other pain you're hiding is. And there, there it all says bottled up in side of you, like a can of sardines. It stays in the back of your head until one day, it drives you so crazy, you can't handle the pain anymore. In that one day, everything begins, slowly at first to come out of you. It the pain becomes faster and faster and you can't handle. It leaves you yelling, and screaming and crying out all the pain, all the hurt, it's caused you, hiding everything in the back of your mind. Most of the time, when this happens, you make sure you're alone. You find a place somewhere and in that place it makes you feel like you're the only person in the world. That's where and that's when you let the pain out. You only dare do this when you're alone because if you break down in front of people, they learn how damaged and broken you really are. That's why my problems are better left unsaid. That's why everybody's problems are better left unsaid. There are two types of pain: physical and emotional. If I had to choose between the two of them, I'd pick to be in physical pain. You see the thing with physical pain is you can ride it out. It will go away. The emotional pain you go though can't. That's why you pile it all into the back of your mind because you want to pretend it isn't there. I don't think there is a way to get rid of the emotional pain you have. I mean, yeah there's counseling, confession, you know, things like that but it won't make you forget. Even if you happen to develop Alzheimer's or dementia when you're older, you still won't forget the pain. The thing is, we've locked that pain so deep inside of us that it will always be there. No matter what you do, it's always going to be there. The worst pain though, is the pain of being lied to. It makes you feel as if you're worthless, as if there's nothing left, as if you mean nothing to the person lying to you. But being lied to, as a kid is worst than anything especially being lied to by a grownup, by someone you trust. In the end, I've learned not to trust grownups. But more importantly, I've learned not to trust anybody but yourself. Sometimes, pain makes you hate yourself. That's the absolute worse. I've spent the majority of my life being miserable. I've spent the majority of my life hating every minute of it. After Dr. Montgomery came into my hospital room that day, I didn't spending every minute hating life. I spent every minute hating myself. I hated myself for not letting her hug me. I hated myself for hitting her, for yelling at her. I hated myself for not understanding. I hated myself that for once in my life, I had the perfect opportunity to tell someone about all my pain about all the hurt and I let it slide though my fingers. That's worse than any of the other pain inside of me. You can't get rid of emotional pain when your alive but when you're dead, that a whole other story.

I sat on my bed, which was now turned back into the trailer's table, looking out the small window in front of me at the dark grey sky. Despite the sky looking as if it was going to rain, it was getting dark. I wasn't sure what time it was, I had lost track of that ages ago. My eyes moved away from the window, back down to the picture in my hands. It was the picture I had drawn with Ms. Rebecca in therapy. I looked from the lady with red hair, whom I had drawn as Dr. Montgomery to the very tall man with brown hair and blue eyes, who was supposed to be Derek. Speaking of Derek, he was nowhere to be seen when I got out of the shower earlier this afternoon. I had walked out of the small bathroom into the tiny hallway of the trailer to see the bed I had spelt in last night, turned back into a table. On the table, Derek had left a note, which said something along the lines of _Mini D, I've gone fishing. Be back later. – D_. Beside the note sat a pile of clothes, which I assumed to be Addison's. So, here I was wearing Addison's grey hoodie that said Connecticut along the chest and a pair of navy blue oversized pajama shorts, sitting at the booth style table with my picture in my hands while Derek was out somewhere in this middle of this nowhere land fishing. Ever since I was a kid, this picture has meant everything to me. That's why I only look at it when I'm alone. I guard it with my life. When Jeff threw Montgomery out the window that day, I realized this picture was the last thing I had left to Dr. Montgomery. I swore then and there I would find her and I would tell her all the mean things everybody ever did to me; I'd tell her everything. Except, I haven't found her yet. One day, I will and the day I do will be the best day in my life.

"Hey," Derek's voice says as the trailer door closes behind him. "I'm sorry I took so long, I always lose track of time when I'm out on the lake. But I caught supper."

My blue eyes shift from the picture in my hands to the three dead fish Derek was holding. Looking at them made my stomach queasy so I turn my head towards Derek. His feet were bare with his jeans cuffed up just above his ankles. His v-neck tee-shirt was a dark maroon color. Derek walks over to the counter and places the fish down. He then turns to me.

"Are you hungry?" He asks.

"I think I just lost my appetite." I respond, my eyes now back on the picture.

"What's that?" Derek asks as he walks the few inches towards were I'm sitting.

"Just a picture," I mutter under my breath. "It's nothing important."

"You drew Addison's face bigger than her body," Derek laughs pointing to Dr. Montgomery, thinking she was Addison. "And I'm defiantly not that tall," Derek grabs the picture from my hands to get a better look. "I hate to break it to you," Derek looks up from the picture. "But I don't think that you should pursue a career in art."

I more towards the end of the bench I'm sitting on a try to take the picture back from Derek. He turns his body around so I can't reach it.

"I drew that when I was four, " I growl. "And that person in the picture isn't Addison. It's Dr. Montgomery. She's a doctor I met when I got shot. I drew you tall because I though you were a superhero. When I was little I told myself you were to busy saving lives to be my father."

"You got shot?" Derek asks.

"It's not important," I say annoyed. "Just read the back of the damn picture."

Derek turns the picture in his hands until the back is facing towards him. He see Ms. Rebecca's nice hand writing and reads it out loud: "Session 4, family. Julia wishes Dr. Montgomery will be her mom one day. She thinks her dad is a superhero." Then, below that in my messy four year old writing was. "Julia Shepherd, age four."

Derek looks up at me, seeming a little creeped out. I didn't really understand why. So I decided to explain the picture to him a bit more.

"I had therapy every Friday when I was younger when I was at the group home. Ms. Rebecca, my social worker, talked about different things each week. I always hated talking to her because she asked me so many questions I didn't understand. The questions always ended up at _did your mom every hurt you?_ I always said no. Every time she would ask me a question, I would talk to her about Dr. Montgomery and the hospital. That's all I would talk about. That was until we talked about families. She asked me all these questions about what I thought a family was and what I wanted my family to be. I drew that picture. I was four okay? It was stupid." I grab the picture out of Derek's hands.

"Julia," Derek says, his voice shaking, his whole body shaking. "I'm pretty sure Addison and Dr. Montgomery are the same person."

I shake my head, and bring my knees up to my chest. "No!" I yell. "You're lying. You don't know anything, Derek! You don't know how horrible my life is. You can't say they're the same person because they aren't. Because believe me, I would have figured that out by now because Dr. Montgomery has been the only thing keeping me alive. So you cannot say that and give me false hope. Addison isn't Dr. Montgomery." I feel tears begin to form in my eyes.

Just then we hear a car engine turn off and a door slam, which only meant one thing, Addison was back.

"Addison's maiden name is Montgomery," Derek says his eyes drifting to the door as Addison entered the trailer. She wasn't alone though. Mark was there also.

"You called Miranda Bailey an intern?" Addison says to me, placing her keys and bag down on the table. "No wonder she called you a jackass."

"Do you guy's have any food in this thing?" Mark asks walking towards the refrigerator.

"Why's he here?" Derek asks Addison in disgust.

"Well," Mark says, opening the door to the refrigerator and looks inside it. "I'd thought it all be fun if the three of us took Mini D out for dinner. You know, like when the three of us went in New York."

"I don't want to go out for dinner with you," Derek says, pissed now. "I don't want Addison to go out to dinner with you either, seeing as you did sleep with my wife and all. Now would you mind? Mini D and I were just in the middle of a very important conversation."

"What about?" Mark asks taking out the container of milk, he opens the lid and not bothering to get a cup for the cupboard and drinks straight from the container.

Derek grabs the milk from Marks hands. "You do know I drink this right?" Derek says angrily as he pours the rest down the sink. "But I don't want to drink it now."

I burry my head in my knees. Words can't describe how frustrated I am right now. This trailer was so small and the three of them going at each other was making it worst. I didn't understand why rich doctors who would have anything they want have such dramatic lives. I didn't understand why rich doctors would decide to live in this middle of nowhere land in a trailer when they could be living in a mansion. I didn't understand why they were yelling at me either. All the foster parents I had yelled at each other and then they would yell at me after yelling at each other. The majority of foster parents I had could never agree on anything but when it came done to agreeing, they could always agree on me, ending up blaming me for everything. And to top everything off, I had a million emotions going through my head due to the fact that Addison might be Dr. Montgomery, which couldn't possibly be right. So I sat there and listen to Derek, Mark, and Addison go at each other.

"You always think I'm the one that slept with Addison," Mark yelled, furious. "It takes two people to have sex, Derek. Me," Mark points to himself. "And Addison." Mark points to Addison. "That's two."

"You don't get it Mark," Derek yells back at him. "I trusted you. You were my best friend. My mother thinks…correction thought of you as her own son. We were basically brothers. And then you go, fuck everything up and screw my wife. I don't want to have anything to do with you Mark!"

"Oh Derek, seriously?" Addison joins in the argument. "You really want to be the one to bring up screwing. You left. Then decided to start screwing Meredith Grey. When I came here you guys were dating. I moved to Seattle for you! I'm trying Derek. But you, you're not trying at all, are you? It's your fault. This, everything is your fault."

"Really Addison? You had to bring Meredith into this? You're really that jealous of her? Cause if I don't remember, I choose you. Why? Because we are married for Christ sakes!"

"Then sign the fucking devoice papers, Derek. Do what you want. If you want to love me, then love me. But you can't keep going behind my back sleeping with Meredith Grey." Addison hollers and as she says this Derek looks over to me, assuming I must of told her what happened.

"Do you want to make it even Addison is that it?" Derek asks. "Then go get laid with your fucking man whore over there, because—"

Derek's cut off by Addison's sobs as she runs over to him and starts banging on his chest. "What do you want me to do Derek?" She cries. "What do you want me to do? Tell me what you want me to do!"

An awkward silence surrounds the trailer. I brought my head up to study the situation. My own blue eyes, now had red circles around them. They went from Mark who just stood by the fridge his eyes frightened and his body uncomfortable, while Addison sobbed into a very upset, angry Derek as Derek kept his arms at his sides not sure if he wanted to comfort his sobbing wife.

Watching the three of them, how they yell at each other as though I'm not even in the room, made me realize that nobody wanted me here. I was just an inconvenience for all of them. Sure Derek was being nice to me, but that's because he felt guilty. Addison and Mark were being nice to me because they wanted to get into Derek's good books. I didn't mean anything to any of them because like I've said a million times before, I don't matter to anyone. I Julia Carolyn Shepherd was doing the unthinkable. I'm going back to stupid New York. I was going back to stupid foster care because I don't know what else to do.

I quietly reached over, grabbed Addison's car keys sitting on the table, slid off the bench and walked over to the door. I was about to pushed the trailer door open and was about to step out of the trailer as I hear Mark's voice.

"Mini D!" He said softly and calmly,

I don't turn around. I block out Mark's voice by focusing on the rain, splashing against the ground. I look straight ahead towards Addison's red Porsche convertible and then down to the keys in my hand and back up to the car. I force my body out of the trailer. Once realizing I've made it this far, my feet begin running. I just wanted to get away from here. I wished I never came to Seattle in the first place. But now, I've just made everything worse. Most people think things get worst before they get better, but for me, my life's just been the worse. It hasn't gotten better and it probably never will. So now, I'm doing the only thing my mother taught me. I'm doing the only thing I'm good at—running away when things get bad. Just think about it, how worse could my life possibly get then this?

I yank open the front door on the drivers side of the car. I quickly climb in the car and slam the door shut. I put the key into the ignition and turn it to the left as the Porsche starts up. With my right hand, I move the gearshift up so the car's in reverse as my right foot presses down on the break. I slowly move my head up to look out the windshield at Derek and Mark who are now running towards the car, yelling words I can't hear. I moved my foot from the break to the gas pedal and recklessly turn the car around. I move the gearshift into drive and push my foot heavily on the gas pedal. Once I get onto the main road, I continue to push my foot gas pedal as Addison's Porsche accelerates, speeding up faster and faster. Driving this Porsche, was so much better then driving the piece of shit Toyota Corolla my foster brother Ryan and I attempted to steal from our foster father Darrel. It was all Ryan's idea at first. He experience jacking cars from joy riding with his older brother Mitchell a few times. But when we had gotten in the car, Ryan froze up and made me drive. We got about 5 miles away from the house and the car ran out of gas, because stupid Ryan forgot to mention to me that it was low on gas. Anyway, Ryan ran leaving me to take the fall for the whole thing. I was kicked out of that foster home and put on community survive for three months.

I was driving way over the speed limit now. In fact, I didn't have a clue what the speed limit was. I didn't really car to be honest. I was finally free. I felt like I was flying. For once in my life, I felt amazing and I wasn't going to slow down. But I was going to have to, there was a four way stop ahead and a mini van driving slower then normal going threw it. I reach my foot for the break, as the car slips on the wet road. I lose control of the wheel and my hands fight frantically to regain that control as my foot fights frantically to hit the break. By the time I do, it's too late. I scream in horror as Addison's Porsche collides into the side of the mini van. I feel my body being thrown forward, flying through the air, getting smashed violently into the windshield, the glass shattering as I land on the hood of what's left of Addison's Porsche. I lay there, unable to move. I struggle for gasps of air as I listen to the screams of a woman who must be stuck in vehicle I drove into. I open my mouth to speak, to tell her I'm sorry. I want to tell her it was an accident. I want to tell her I can't breathe. I want to tell her I'm only thirteen. But I can't because each time my mouth opens, it get's harder and harder to breathe. The world around me is getting fuzzier, I can't see clearly. I think about how furious Addison is going to be at me for ruining her car and I think about how I'm never going to be able to apologize to her. I think about Mark, how he always knew the right things to say to make me laugh. I think about Derek, how we both like chocolate cake, how we are both stubborn. I think about ferryboats. I think about my mother. I'm dying and all I want is a hug and kiss. I'll never get to be Julia Carolyn Shepherd anymore. I'll never see Addison's and Derek's trailer again. I'll never get to go back to New York. I'll never get to be Mini D. I hear somebody yelling my name. I can't do anything but lay here. The voice sounds so familiar. I want so badly to remember were I heard that voice before. And suddenly I do remember, as my body becomes numb and the world, which was once so bright, goes black. The voice calling my name is coming from Dr. Montgomery. So you see, things can't get much worse then this, but pain oh, the pain does.


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm so excited to hear your opinions for this chapter! ****More reviews, the sooner the next chapter comes up. I want to aim for 5 reviews if possible. **

**I'm sorry for the horrible intro this time. Hopefully the chapter makes up for it. **

**If any of you have suggestions for flashbacks or for what should happen in other chapters just let me know-I may not use them right away but I'll try and put them in a chapter somewhere. **

**Lastly I'm sorry for any misspelt grammar. - I've re read the chapter before I uploaded it but could have missed some stuff. But I really wanted to upload this chapter! So, Enjoy**

* * *

Chapter Ten

**In hospitals they say you know. You know when you're going to die. Some doctors say it's a look patients get in their eyes. Some say there's a scent. A smell of death. Something. There's just some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is heading for you. You feel it coming. Whatever it is. It's creepy. Because if you know. What do you do about? Forget about the fact you're scared out of your mind. If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it?**

**- Grey's Anatomy**

_I am five and one fourth years old. My long curly brown hair is gone. It's now straight and short. Elizabeth cut it off. She said that because I am older, I don't need long hair anymore. I liked my long hair. I liked the way it would bounce back and fourth when it was in a ponytail. Now, my hair too short to put in a ponytail. Elizabeth and Jeff have been my foster parents for almost a year. They have two kids, Adam and Amber. Amber is a teenager. She's always getting into trouble and she's always doing bad things to her mommy and daddy and blaming them on me. Adam is nine years old. He's a kid like me. Elizabeth, Jeff, Amber, and Adam live in a big red farmhouse on a farm. I live on the farm too. I live in the loft of the brown barn in the back of the farmhouse. When it's nighttime, Jeff locks me inside the barn. He says it's in case I try and run away. Sometimes, if Jeff is really mad, I have to stay in the barn all day. When I'm not in the barn in the daytime, I do chores. Everyday, I have to clean out the pig pen and feed the pigs. Adam told me the pigs were named Missie and Oscar. When they're fat enough, he said his dad was going to sell them for meat. I also I have do the laundry, wash the dishes and clean the floors. Jeff is always home. He sits in front of the TV in his green chair. He is always drinking a grownup drink. Elizabeth is always home too. She spends all the time in the basement. Only Jeff can go down there, nobody else. She says the basement is for grownups only. I asked Adam what was down there once. He told me his mom and dad was making something called meth. Meth is a grownup candy. My mom used to eat meth sometimes with Frank and Mike. At nighttime, when everybody is sleeping, Adam comes to the barn to visit me. Adam brings books and papers. He teaches me to read and write words. He tells me about school and his friends. I would like to go to school one day. I tell Adam about Dr. Montgomery and the hospital. I talk to him about surgeons. I tell him my dad's a superhero. When it's my turn to pick which game we play, we always play surgeons. I'm the surgeon and he's the patient. When it's Adam's turn to play pretend, he pretends he's the superhero and I need saving. It's fall time and it's nighttime. Adam and I are cuddled under my blanket. Adam's reading me a book called the Paper Bag Princess. I'm holding the flash light so he can see the words. I like when Adam reads because he always makes the books really funny. Suddenly there's a huge bang and the whole loft lights up. Adam and I look at each other and hurry to the window to see what it was. The farmhouse was now an orangeie yellowie color as flames flew up all around it. Adam let out a gasp and grabbed my hand pulling me towards the stairs of the loft. "Come on," Adam yells as the air begins to smell like smoke. "I've got to go save my mom and dad!" Adam drags me the rest of the way out of the barn. Once outside, I could hear the crackling of the fire and feel the warmth of the flame on my skin. Adam pulls me to the front of the large farmhouse. We begin coughing from all the smoke. "Mom! Dad!" Adam yells. He looks at me with terror in his eyes. "They're not coming out! I have to go in there!" I shake my head. "No! You can't!" I scream as Adam lets go of my hand and runs towards the burning building. "Don't worry!" He yells back at me. "You're daddy is a superhero. He'll help us. I'll be right back. I promise." Adam looks at me before dashing into the farmhouse. "Adam!" I scream as I stand there and watch the farmhouse begin to disappear bit by bit. Adam never came back. My daddy never saved him and I would never forgive him for that. _

Besides from criminals who are on death sentence and people who commit suicide, the rest of us, we don't know it's going to be our last day on earth until it's too late. We'll never know the exact day we're going to die. You may know it's coming, but you don't know when. Death sneaks up on us in on all kinds of different levels and in all kinds of different ways. A lot of people think deaths a bad thing. It's evil, dark, cold and manipulating. While other people see death as something magical and mysterious. Different people have different views on death. They have different views on what happens after you die. Some people believe you rot in the ground, others believe in heaven and hell. I'm not sure what I believe to be honest. I know I've always wanted to die but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared. I'm scared to die because Frank is dead. So when I die and go into the great beyond, whatever that will be, Frank will be there waiting for me. That's why I haven't tried to kill myself. I can't bring myself to do it because of Frank. I know I've said the only way out of this nightmare I'm in is to kill myself but really, that's not the answer. There's no way out, it's like I'm lost in a forest trying to find a way out. On October 12, it's not like Frank woke up thinking "I'm going to die today". He probably did think that once he got shot. Sure death can be a horrible thing, playing tricks with your mind. Take somebody who has cancer for instance, the doctors can give them an estimated amount of time they might have left to live. So, these people go home and prepare to die in three years time, when really they live past the three years and die in five years time. Or take some perfectly healthily person for example, who may just drop dead for no reason at all. They wouldn't have known it was their last day on earth. But today, today might have been my last day on earth. And the person calling my name was Dr. Montgomery. I'm not ready to die yet. There's so many things I have to tell her…so many. But now, she'll never know because it's too late, I'm gone. I've disappeared.

I'm in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. My body feels like led. I try to move but I can't. Then, my ears get filled up with a symphony of buzzing and beeping sounds. While my nose fills up with a familiar latexy, perfumey, sweaty, bloody smell. My head feels like it's going to explode, my mouth feels dry and my eyelids are heavy. I struggle to open my eyes, but it's a lot harder then I thought it would be. So I lie still and listen as the buzzing and beeping sounds grow quieter and I begin to hear talking, which becomes louder.

"What were we thinking Derek?" a lady asks, her voice seems cold and harsh. "We're not capable of looking after a teenager. She stole my Porsche and crashed it."

"I don't know Addison," the man muttered. His voice just as harsh as her's. "You were the one who wanted to talk her home. I was the one who figured she would be missing. Now children services probably thinks we're kidnappers."

"Don't play the blame game Derek," the lady—Addison's voice grows louder. "She had nowhere else to go. What were we going to let her do? Sleep on the streets?"

"I tried to be reasonable Addison, I did!" the man—Derek says angrily. "Don't be mad at me. You know I couldn't get permission to operate without calling Social Services. Julia had bleeding in her brain. She needed that crainiotomy. Without it, she would have died. She's my daughter. Social Services would have sued. We can't handle a lawsuit right now on top of all this. I did the right thing Addison!"

I finally manage to get my eyes open and bright light reflecting off the white walls makes me close my eyes quickly. I can no longer hear the voices echoing throw the room, but the sound of screaming and tires screeching the ground as I begin to relive the whole accident over again. Addison's Porsche collides into a mini van and I'm thrown from my seat and through the windshield causing glass to shatter everywhere. I land with a thud on the hood of Addison's Porsche. My eyes thrust open and I'm back into reality. They're greeted by small flashing red light coming from the smoke detector on the ceiling above me. The red reminds of what is now Addison's ruined red Porsche. Addison was going to kill me. I don't know what makes me more angry: The fact that I'm going to be in a shit pile of trouble from Addison or the fact that Addison is Dr. Montgomery.

"Fuck," I say out loud to nobody in particular but hoping to have said it loud enough to get Derek and Addison to realize I'm now awake.

I attempt to sit up in bed to get a better idea of what's going on. As I do sharp pain rushes through my body. I look down, the first thing I notice are the cuts and burses on my arms and then the light blue hospital gown I'm wearing. I shift my sore tired body trying to get more comfortable. Addison's hair was up in a sleek high ponytail. She was wearing fitted jeans and a black silk halter top while Derek was in his navy blue scrubs. They were both to absorbed in their conversation to notice I had woken up.

"Don't give me that!" Addison was saying. "You never wanted her in the first place. You would jump at any chance to send her back to New York."

"And wouldn't you?" Derek shot back at her. "How many times do I have to remind you that she crashed your fucking car Addison? Our marriage is a mess. We live a trailer. You really think were capable of raising a teenager? I want to keep her Addie. I do. But we need time. We all need time. We need to figure this out, you and me. I can't just snap my figures and get custody over her just like that, there's a process. I want to do the right thing."

"So you think the right thing is sending me back?" I ask, my voice sounds horse. But this finally gets both of their attention.

"You're alive," Addison says rather unpleasantly. "I can't say the same for my car though. I loved that car."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Derek snaps at me. "You have no idea how much trouble your in. You have no idea how much trouble Addison and I are in. You have no idea how much trouble you caused. Addison's car is ruined. There's a hundred grand gone down the drain. The accident is all over the news. And if you think we're mad, social services is pissed."

My body is filled with a mixture of point emotional and physical pain. The right thing to say right now would be _"I'm sorry for crashing your car, Addison. Please don't send me back to the hell whole."_ But I'm too angry with both of them to say anything. I'm too ashamed and full of guilt. I feel horrible. Absolutely horrible for crashing Addison's car. I wasn't thinking when I took it. I know I said I wanted to go back to New York but really I just wanted to get away from all the yelling and screaming. I look at Derek and then to Addison as tears begin to form in my eyes.

"I'm sorry Addison," I say as I begin breathing faster. "I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll do anything please. Don't send me to New York. Don't send me back to that hell whole. I can't go back there. Derek. Plea—"

My begs are interrupted by Mark flying through the door. He's in navy blue scrubs like Derek but he also has on his white lab coat.

"You survived!" Mark says rushing towards me, hugging me so tight that I almost couldn't breathe. At least somebody was happy to see me.

"I can't breathe Mark," I struggling to get out of his grip. "How long was I out?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"A couple days." Mark says. "It's been hell. You scared me. Don't ever do that again, Mini D." He looks at me with very stern eyes.

I whip away the tears which were going to start coming out of my eyes. Mark and I both look at each other and laugh. He always knows he right things to say in these types of situations.

"Did you know you have a small brain? It's pink." Mark informs me, jokingly.

"I don't not Mark!" I say laughing. "How'd you know that?"

"I was in surgery with you."

"What! No way! Get out!" I exclaim. "You performed surgery on me?"

"No, Dr. Carlson did. I gave you stitches. You had a massive cut on your leg."

I quickly push off my blankets to take a look. There were little cuts and scrapes all over both legs, like both my arms had. But, there was a bigger burse on my left leg with what looked like to be about at least a dozen stitches through it.

"Cool!" I say staring at the cut.

"No," Derek jumps into the conversation. "This is not cool. Have you not been listening to anything Addison and I've been telling you since you woke up?"

"I said I was sorry Derek," I say knowing that wasn't enough. "Just tell social services everything's fine now so they don't have to come get me."  
"It doesn't work like that Julia," Derek says running his hands though his thick curls. "Addison and I need time to think about this whole thing. We need to talk things over. We have to decide on this together and when we do decide we want to do things right this time. There's a whole legal process we have to go though. Addison and I have to show social services we're capable of being you're guardians. Our marriage isn't good right now and we live in a trailer. We're doctors who work long hours. The accident. They're all going to take that into consideration. So until we have some time to think about things, you're going to have to go back to New York."

"Jackass!" I yell at Derek. I then turn towards Addison. "I hate you!' I yell at her. "You're going to leave me again, just like that? I was three years old Addison! I was three years old." Warm tears begin to fall down my face.

"You're using the Dr. Montgomery thing to get out of this? Really Julia?" Derek says rolling his eyes. "You honestly think we're going to fall for that one?"

"If only you knew how much I hate you right now Derek," I say stilling looking at Addison with bloodshot glossy eyes. "I was three years old. There was a drug bust. Frank died right in front of me. I saw them handcuff my mother and take her away. I went to run after her and a policeman shot me. I fell on top of Frank and lay there dying. Wanna know the last thing I thought about before I blacked out?" I yell and when none of the three of them respond I continue. "It was that I was dying and all I wanted was a hug and kiss from my mom."

Nobody says anything as I sit there and an erosion of tears falls from my eyes.

"And then when I woke up in the hospital, I was so scared. I wanted my mother but she wasn't there. And then you came. And I hurt you because I was scared. I hurt you because I thought you were going to hurt me. I WAS THREE!" I scream unable to control my anger. "Addison, you were all I thought of for years. My favourite color became purple because you wore a purple top that day. I wanted to be a surgeon when I grew up because you were one. And my doll, her name became Montgomery. When Adam and me played pretend, I pretended I was you. Adam always wanted to play superheroes because I thought that's what my dad was. Then there was the fire. We were in the loft playing. And the farmhouse caught on fire. We ran over to it and Adam ran inside to save his family. He thought you were going to save him." I yell at Derek this time. "And he never came out. He died. They all died. Adam died. I hate you. You were supposed to save him!"

My throat stings with dryness and with my body drained of energy, I collapse into Mark, who's still sitting beside me. He pulls me close to him as I burry my face into his body. His hand begins to rub my back to comfort me and I begin to feel uncomfortable.

"Stop," I mumble into him. "Don't turn out like Frank. Don't be Frank."

"I'm not Frank," Mark, says his hand stops rubbing my back and he pulls me closer to him. "Frank's not here. He's not going to hurt you anymore."

"Derek what are we doing?" Addison mumbles.

"We'll get her back," Derek says trying to make the best of the situation. "We'll do what ever it takes. We'll make this work. We don't quit on each other and we don't quit on my kid."

I shake my head and clench Mark tighter. "I don't want to live with you. I want Mark. I want to live with Mark."

Both Derek and Addison let out disappointing sighs.

"Please tell me everything's going to be okay." Addison says leaning her head against Derek's chest.

Derek blue eyes meet Addison's sad scared ones. "Everything will be okay," He says kissing her forehead.

Despite me crying a river into Mark's chest, seeing Addison and Derek not mad at each other for once comforts me. And even though I know everything's not going to be okay, hearing Derek say that gives me a small bit of hope that everything just might be.


	11. Chapter 11

**Please read,**

**If you don't REVIEW, no story. It's that simple. The more REVIEWS, the sooner and better the chapter will be.**

**I didn't get the amount of reviews I wanted on the last chapter, so this chapter basically sucks. So sorry if the chapter is confusing it kind of bounces around from place to place. It's not my best work to be honest. **

**Enjoy. If I get a decent number of reviews, the next chapter will be a million times better. **

* * *

Chapter Eleven

**People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all of their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them, don't. Some wounds, we carry with us everywhere… and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers.**

**- Grey's Anatomy **

_My hair has grown a bit longer now. I am back at the group home. I am five and a half years old now. I am in the therapy room, lying on the floor coloring a picture. A lady with straight black hair and brown eyes sits behind her big desk. Ms. Rebecca thinks I will feel better if I talk to Ms. Adrienne. Ms. Rebecca said she couldn't be my social worker anymore because I am older and in a new age group. "What are you drawing?" Ms. Adrienne asks. She stands up from her desk, walks over to me and sits down on the floor beside me. She looks at the picture I drew. It's of the big red farmhouse with fire coming out of it. In the left hand corner, I've written the word daddy in a purple crayon but then I drew a big x over his name in a black crayon. "Wanna talk to me about the fire?" Ms. Adrienne asks. I look up at her and shake my head. "What about this then?" She points to the word daddy with an x through it. I shake my head again. "It's okay if you tell me." Ms. Adrienne smiles. "Did something bad happen to the farmhouse?" I nod my head up and down. "Did something bad happen to your daddy?" She asks. I look at her a little confused. "Daddy didn't save Adam." I say as tears begin to fall down my face. "He's not a superhero anymore. I hate my daddy. He killed Adam!" Ms. Adrienne begins to rub my back. "Don't!" I yell at her. "Don't hurt me like Frank!" I then with the black crayon that's still in my hand I scribble over the picture until the whole page is black. "Your very mad aren't you? Who's Frank? You've never talked about Frank before." "He died." I say as I begin to rip up the picture. "He died like Adam." "Do you miss Adam and Frank?" I shake my head. "No. Adam's mom and dad were mean. I don't miss him." By now I've calmed down. I move my body into a sitting position and cross my legs. Ms. Adrienne has on a purple necklace around her neck. I like it. It's very pretty. I don't really like purple much anymore. It makes me think about Dr. Montgomery. I haven't thought about her in a while. "I like your necklace." I tell her. "Dr. Montgomery liked purple too." "Who's Dr. Montgomery?" Ms. Adrienne asks taking off the necklace around her neck. "Nobody," I mumble. Ms. Adrienne hands me her necklace. "You can wear my necklace if you want." She says and helps me put it around my neck. "Do I look pretty?" I ask as I stand up and twirl around. "Frank used to say I looked pretty." "You look very pretty," Ms. Adrienne complements me. "Do you want talk to me about Frank?" She asks as I stop twirling around. "Frank was friends with my mom," I say. I stop being happy and become sad. "Do you know my momma?" I ask Ms. Adrienne. "Why'd she have to go away? Does she not love me anymore? What did I do wrong?" Ms. Adrienne walks over to were I'm standing, she squats down so I can see her face and places a hand on my shoulder. "You didn't do anything wrong. You're mother is sick. She has something called a drug addiction. The drugs she takes are what makes her sick. She doesn't understand. So until she can understand and get better, you can't live with her." As much as I don't want to understand Ms. Adrienne I do. I'm not stupid though. I know my mommy doesn't want me. If she wanted me she would have came back a lot time ago. I know that she's never coming back. And I never wanted to see my mommy again. _

Everybody has scars and each of their scars tells a story, like mine do. Sometimes, the story a person tells about their scar can be a funny story and other times, the story they tell can be sad. Scars can appear anywhere on your body. Some you show off because you want people to see and others stay hidden behind clothing. The scars you hide are the ones you're ashamed of. They're the ones you want to forget the story to. People hide these scars and pretend to forget about story. When really the story on how you got the scar will be with you forever. Though scars can fade over time, every so often, you catch yourself looking at the place on you body where that scar once was and you remember how you got it. A scar means a mark on skin after damage, it also mean a mental effect of distressing experience, a mark on the surface, and lastly a mark of former attachment. To me, scars aren't just marks on your body. To me, people themselves are the scars. When people come in and out of your life, they leave scars of happiness, hardship and sorrow. These scars are so much more then just a mark on your body, these scar define you and make you who you are. Because like it or not, the marks that show up on your body have to come from somewhere and somebody. It's not just the something that cased the scar to appear but someone, that someone either being someone else or yourself. People scar themselves for many different reasons, some on purpose and others are accidents. All along though, it's your body that's played some short of roll in causing you to end up with these scars. Take myself for example. Scars, cuts, burses, you name it and I have them all. And like everyone else's, each one of them has a story. My favourite scar is the one on my left thigh—the one I got in the car accident that Mark stitched up. My least favourite is the scar on my forehead. It's from when Frank hit me over the head with a beer bottle because I hid when he had called my name. Then there's also the one Jeff gave me on my side when I didn't fold the laundry the way he wanted to. What I'm trying to say is that a scar can mean so many different things. And despite all these meanings, the one thing they all agree on is that whatever the scar is, it's permanent. It's never going to go away.

My nose is filled with the very familiar latexy, perfume, sweaty, bloody smell of Seattle Grace Hospital. My dead blue eyes slowly begin to come to life again. My warm body fever filled body begins to shiver as I huddle deeper into Addison's grey _Connecticut _sweater. I sit on an exam table with a blue curtain, which hung from the silver rods above us in a square shape around us. I hug my knees to my chest while pain gushes from my stomach. My social worker Janet sits on a chair across from me, reading a life magazine. She isn't very pleased about being here. We wouldn't be here if we didn't have to be. But, after seeing a number of otolaryngologists and plastic surgeons in New York about a burn I have on my stomach, they all came to the same conclusion. They weren't sure why the burn wasn't going away despite having received numerous treatments. Our last doctor we went to go see in New York, Dr. Burns, suggested we come here to Seattle to see nobody else but Mark Sloan, one of the best doctors in the field. So here Janet and I were sitting in the emergency room at Seattle Grace Hospital. Since this visit was strictly for medical purposes, my father was not to be informed we were here. When I asked Janet _why_ on the plane ride here, she said it was because he and Addison were still going through the evaluation process and until the court came to a decision, my father was not allowed to see me. Truthfully, I'm happy Derek's not allowed to know I'm here with the way we left things a few months ago. The curtain opens and George walks over to me.

"I'm Dr. O'Malley," George introduces himself to Janet and I.

Janet looks up from the Life magazine she's reading, smiles as she takes his hand.

"Where's Mark?" I say as George looks at me confused. "I mean Dr. Sloan. Where's Dr. Sloan?"

"He'll be in a minute. I just need to ask you a few questions, take your temperature and some blood. It will just take a second." George ensures me. "You look familiar have I seen you before?"

Of course he's seen me before, back when I wasn't fighting a fever and when I didn't have pain gushing from my stomach. Back when my long hair was curly and brown and my eyes were blue. He doesn't recognize me know that my eyes have turned grey, my hair's straight and black, cut just below my shoulders. When I returned back to foster care, I did everything I could to delete my father from my life, therefore having to change my looks. Also, due to the fact this visit was a medical visit, I was not allowed to say Derek Shepherd was my father. I didn't want to anyway.

"I don't think so," I mumble.

"I'm going to need you to take off your sweater. Just to give me better access to your veins."

"I would prefer if Dr. Sloan where here," I say taking off the sweater, leaving me in a navy blue cami only to reveal the burses on my arms.

George looks at them but doesn't say anything. He begins to poke a nettle on my arm trying to find a good vain to put it into. I pull my arm away from him.

"I said," I say in a bratty tone. "I want Dr. Sloan to take my blood." I have to admit I am kind of pissed off that I'm not able to get the doctor I want to take my blood. Considering, I am the head of neurology's daughter.

"Julia, stop acting like a brat and listen to Dr. O'Malley." Janet says annoyed, her eyes back on the magazine.

"How are we going in here O'Malley?"

The curtain rustles open and Mark appears. Words couldn't describe how happy I was to see him. Despite my stomach feeling like a thousands pins are being stabbed into it, I fling my boiling hot body onto him.

"Mini D!" He exclaims. His tired face quickly brightens up as he gives me a bear hug. Then remembers he conversation on the phone he had between my social worker about this being a medical visit only. His body stiffens up realizing Janet's in the room and his arms unlash from me, giving me room to breath. He wheels the Utility cart closer to him and reaches for a fresh needle.

"I'm going to start you on a central IV. Hopefully that will bring your fever down."

Mark then turns back to O'Malley. "Go ask Dr. Robbins what the status is on bed in the pediatrics wing. Let her know I'm admitting a patient. If she has a problem with it, she can bring it up with me later."

George nods and hurries out of the room as Janet's cell phone rings. She takes it out of the bag and checks the caller id.

"It's Sunnyvale," Janet says standing up. "I'm sorry Julia, but I really got to take this."

"I've got it," Mark smiles. "Julia and I will be just fine, won't we?" He looks over at me and winks. It feels so weird to have him call me something other then Mini D.

Once Janet leaves and once I'm hooked up to an IV, there's only one thing left to do. I know exactly what Marks going ask next.

"Well Mini D," he says. "Let's see this burn."

I slowly pull my shirt up to show him the burn on my stomach indented in a shape of a frying pan. It's a mixture of red and brown colors, blisters in multiple places, green goo in places where the blisters have popped.

"How the hell did you get this? And don't play your lying game." Mark demands, his eyes glued to the burn.

"I fell," I respond not being able to think of a better excuse.

"Seriously Mini D? Stop with the bull. Nobody's here. It's just me and you. You trust me right?"

I nod my head, scared what will happen if I tell him the truth.

"Then tell me the truth."

"If I do. You have to promise you're not going to let me go to New York." I say and look at Mark with helpless eyes.

"You know I can't promise that!" Mark huff's.

"Promise!" I yell at him. "Please Mark! You have to promise!" I feel like I'm going to explode.

"Okay, Okay." Mark agrees, knowing I'll have a fit any minute if he doesn't promise. "I promise. Now tell me. While you're at it, you're going to have to tell me about the burses on your arms too."

I gulped hoping he didn't notice those. But then again, there were so many, it was kind of hard not to notice them.

"Janet's not going to believe me." I say trying to find any reason not to tell him.

"That doesn't matter." Mark says. "I'll believe you. Now tell me."

"I didn't mean to take the money!" I say feeling tears form in my eyelids remembering how I got the burn. "I just wanted to ride the ferryboat. The money was there sitting on the counter."

Mark brings himself up on the exam table beside me. "Mini D," He says softly. "You have to calm done. We both know what's going to happen if you don't."

I nod. "Is Derek here?" I ask trying to change the subject. Suddenly having a sudden edge to see my father.

"You know you can't see him," Mark reminds me. "You knew you would only be allowed to come here if you agreed not to see him. What happened after you took the money?"

"Kelly, my foster mother saw me take it. She was cooking and took the hot frying pan on the stove and hit me in the stomach with it," I say as silent tears begin to fall down from my eyes. It was hard knowing Derek was only feet away from me and the only time I needed him I couldn't have him here. "I don't want to go back there." I say leaning my head against Mark. "The burses on my arms are from Bill my foster father. When he gets drunk, he gets mad and hits me. He touches me in places. Just make it stop. I want my dad."

Mark gets up furious. Unable to control his anger, he flings the utility chart against the wall causing the objects on the chart to fall off and crash to the floor.

"I'm going to kill him," Mark voice's booms. He's madder then I've ever seen him before. "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch."

"You can't tell anybody," I say between breaths. "Mark just calm down. You can't tell. Mark it's not a big deal, worst stuff happened to me before. Just calm down Mark, please!" I beg.

"Not a big deal? What planet are you on Mini D?" Mark's face is now red. "When Janet get's back you're going to tell her. If you want to not go back into foster care, you are going to have to tell her."

"I can't tell her. Mark I can't!"

"I can't do this right now, Mini D. Until you're done being stubborn and tell Janet what's gong on, get a nurse to page me. When O'Malley gets back he'll be taking you to get an MRI done." Mark storms out of the room, not looking back as I am left wordless.

* * *

"Do you even know were we are going?" I ask George whose pushing my wheel chair. We're on the way to get an MRI.

"Would you stop acting like a bitch?" George grumbles. We get to the elevator and he presses the up button.

"You can't call patients bitch!" I say. "I'll tell my dad."

"Woopdedo." George says pushing my wheel chair into the elevator were we come face to face with Meredith and Christina. He reaches over them and presses the forth floor button.

"Can't we take another elevator?" I whine as my I feel my fever spike up.

George ignores me and mumbles a depressing "Hey," to Meredith and Christina.

"Derek kissed me." Meredith says depressed.

"Way to go Mer!" Christina says not sounding one bit excited. She then see's the expression on Meredith's face. "You and McDreamy. Should I be have or sad?"

"Sad," Meredith says sulking. "We're done. We're over. We've been over. Why's he kissing me? Christina?" She looks at Christina demanding answers.

"McDreamy and the Wicket Witch of the West are doing marriage counseling." Christina says. "Maybe something happened there."

"So know I'm the rebound girl?" Meredith whines. "Christina you're supposed to be comforting me."

"They'll be other Derek's." George jumps in trying to sound comforting. "Mer, the guy's an ass for not picking you."

"You think?" Meredith looks at George.

I suddenly get the urge to vomit. They nicknamed my father McDreamy? What type of name is that?

"You kissed Derek again?" I add myself into the conversation as Meredith looks at me confused. There's a thousand things I want to say to her right now, but can't because if I do, Janet will send me back to New York.

"Who's the kid?" Christina asks. "Are you stuck on babysitting duty again George?"

"Yeah, who are you?" Meredith repeats Christina's question.

"I'm taking her to get an MRI" George says.

Suddenly, I can't hold my vomit in anymore. It explodes all over Meredith white sneakers. I wipe the vomit off my lips and bust out laughing as the elevator dings indicating we are on the fourth floor.

"Hey George," I say. "Can we stop at Addison's office on the way? I'm sure she would love to hear about Meredith kissing her husband."

Meredith's mouth drops; her facial reaction is precious.

The elevator's door open and George quickly wheels me away, towards the MRI machine.

* * *

I look out my window at the dark night sky lit up by the buildings lights. I then look back at the plain white wall. I squirm around on the hard mattress, trying to get more comfortable. Maybe I should just get it over with, and tell about what happened. That way Mark would come back.

"I'm bored," I announce to Janet, who's still reading the same magazine from earlier. She doesn't even acknowledge my presence. She continues reading.

My hospital room door opens and a blonde haired lady with navy blue scrubs and a white lab coat come into the room.

"I'm Dr. Robbins," she smiles. "Are you feeling better?"

I shrug. Not feeling like talking to her but I do any way cause I'm bored. "I puked on Meredith's shoes in the elevator earlier." I say hoping she would find it funny.

Dr. Robbins laughs a little bit and walks over to the heart monitor and rights something down in her file.

"I'm going to change your IV to some new antibiotics. The burn on you're stomach is infected. Due to the fact that you didn't receive medical care right away, the infection has spread throughout your body and because it has spread so severely, you need to stay on antibiotics for a few days."

I nod and Dr. Robbins turns to Janet. "Mrs. Shepherd," she says assuming Janet's my mother.

Janet looks up from the magazine. "Oh, I'm not Julia's mother. I'm her social worker."

"My apologies," Dr. Robbins says politely. "If you like, you could go get some sleep. Julia will be in excellent hands for the night."

Janet nods, picks up her purse and closes the magazine.

"I'll be back tomorrow," she says getting up to leave. "Remember what we talked about."

I watch her leave the room, and walk down the hallway until I can't see her anymore.

"Why don't you try to get some rest?" Dr. Robbins suggests.

"Can you page Mark?" I ask Dr. Robbins. "Tell him it's important. I can't go to sleep without seeing him."

"Sure," she says leaving the room.

* * *

"What do you want?" Mark asks a few minutes later storming into my hospital room.

"I'm bored," I announce again.

"You should be sleeping," Mark says, his voice harsh.

"I can't. Can you stay with me? Please Mark. You said you wouldn't leave. Everyone else leaves. Please." I beg giving him a sad puppy dog face.

"Fine," Mark caves. "I'm on call tonight though. There might be a chance I'm called in." He sits down in the chair Janet was sitting in moments ago. "This means you have to sleep," Mark says.

"I want my dad," I mumble sheepishly.

"You just saying that," Mark begins. "Because you know you can't see him. If you could see him, you wouldn't want to."

I lie there still, pissed off at Mark. I know he's partly right, but I'm scared and I'm sick. When kids are sick, they need their parents. I listen to the sound of Mark's fingers tapping away on his blackberry and then the sound of his pager going off. He picks it up and reds it.

"Shit," he murmurs getting up and heading to the door.

"Don't leave me," I watch Mark reach for the door handle as Meredith walks down the hallway.

"Dr. Grey!" Mark calls after her as she turns around to face him. "Can you do me a favor?"

I let out a disappointing groan, knowing what's going to happen next.

Meredith walks towards were Mark is standing.

"What is it Dr. Sloan?"

"Would you mind watching Mini D? Just until I get back?"

"Mini D's here?" Meredith peers into my hospital room. "Does Derek know?"

Mark shakes his head. "It's for medical reasons only. He can't know."

"She doesn't like me very much Mark." Meredith says feeling unsure about all this

"She's sick, Meredith. I'll be as fast as possible."

"Fine," Meredith says rather unhappy as she lets herself into my room.

I lie there pretending to be asleep until I actually fall asleep

* * *

"Get off me!" I scream, feeling the air being sucked out of me. I begin to kick my feet trying to get him off. "Please don't Frank!" I yell. His big body is crushing me, holding me down as I try to break free. His face moves closer to mine. I can feel almost taste his breath in my mouth. "Stop! Stop! Stop! Frank! Don't!" I feel arms grab me shaking me. "Daddy!" I scream, "Help me! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"

"You Daddy's dead," Frank says holding me down even tighter. "He doesn't love you. He never wanted you. He doesn't care. He's dead."

"No! No! No!" I scream. "Daddy! I want my Daddy!" I can feel my heart beating through my chest, as if it's about to explode. The shaking continues as my heavy eye lids fling open, still unaware of what's going on. In the darkness of the night, I can make out a faint shape of a women holding me. "Derek," I whimpered like a child. "Derek."

The lady pushes my hair back from my face. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness. The women holding, I can make out now is Meredith.

"I want my dad," I say for the thousandth time. It's been months since I've seen or talked Derek. I have not idea what's come over me; why I want to see him so badly. I guess I just want reinsurance that he's not dead. I wipe tears from my red face, my eyes now adjusting to the dark room. Realizing the person holding me is Meredith, push her away.

"Where's Mark?" I ask, forgetting the conservation Meredith and Mark shared earlier.

"He's working." Meredith says, her voice rusty and tired.

I shake my head not wanting to believe her. "Mark left to didn't he? He left!" I scream into the hospital room. "Page Mark. If I can't see Derek, I want to see Mark." I demand.

Meredith nods and takes out her pager. With in seconds Mark rushes into the room, his heart racing. He clenches his side, breathing heavily.

"What is it?" He asks looking from Meredith to me.

"She had a nightmare." Meredith glared at him through the dim light. "I'm out of here."

"She doesn't like me very much," I say, my sobs quiet now as Meredith leaves my room. "I puked on her shoes in the elevator."

"I heard." Mark says coming over to sit on my bed. "Aren't you too old to be having nightmares and throwing fits?"

"Everyone has nightmare dick face," I say turning away from him. "I want Derek!" I scream. "I want my dad. I hate you. You left and my daddy's dead. You could've have died too!"

"Mini D," He says. "Drop the dramatic act. Nobody's dead."

"Derek is," I mumble as tears start falling down my red cheeks harder then before. "He never wanted me, He never loved me and now he's dead."

"Grow up," Mark says.

"You left!" I scream and curl in a ball on my bed beginning to cry hysterically. "I want Derek!" I burry my face in the blankets. "I never want to talk to you again."

"I'm sorry Mini D," Mark says his voice softer. "I've had a rough night. I shouldn't of taken it out on you. Please stop, just calm down. Okay? Please Mini D?" Mark begs.

I shake my head not looking up at him. "He's dead! He's dead! He's dead!"

"Mini D, he's not dead. I was just in surgery with him."

"No. You would never do that. You hate Derek."

"Hates a very strong word." Mark says jokingly. "Can you look at me for a second."

I shake my head.

"If you could see Derek you know I would go get him right?"

I shake my head and begin crying even harder then I am right now, if that's even possible. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as Mark gets up.

"I'll be right back okay?" He says. "Don't scream too loud while I'm gone." He mutters under his breath.

* * *

A million hours seemed to have passed into I hear Mark come back into my hospital room. Behind his footsteps, I hear the clicking sound of heals against the tiled floor. I feel someone sit down on my bed. They begin running their hand through my hair.

"What's with all the tears?" Addison asks. I can tell it's her without even looking up. I've memorized her voice since I was three.

My sobs calm down a little listening to Addison's soothing voice.

"Mark said you had a nightmare." She continues. "You know it's now real right? Frank's not going to hurt you anymore. You know that right?"

"I want Derek," I whimper as I feel Addison's hand stop moving through my hair as she presses it against the back of my neck.

"You burning up." She says.

I push my weak body up into a sitting position, rubbing my tired, wet eyes. "I have an infection," I mumble. "Derek's dead, Addison." I look at her with terror in my eyes.

"Derek's not dead." Addison says. "I saw him a little while ago. It was just a nightmare, Mini D."

"Why doesn't he love me?" I ask, feeling my body temperature drop quickly. I reach around me for blankets as my body shivers. "I'm sorry for crashing you car." I mutter.

Mark and Addison exchange glances, Addison probably hoping Mark will step into the conversation. Addison's forced to speak when he doesn't.

"It's okay," Addison says ignoring my question. "I forgive you."

"I'm so cold Addison," I say reaching for more blankets. "I want Derek."

"Why don't we call Derek?" Mark suggests, trying to control his annoyance.

"He can't know I'm here." I say feeling rather dizzy and my vision turns fuzzy.

"He doesn't have to," Mark continues. "Addison will call him on speaker phone. You can hear his voice and then Addison will hang up."

I nod as Addison takes out her iPhone, and presses number three on her speed dial.

"Hello?" Derek answers, his voice tired and dry.

After hearing Derek's voice, weight seems to get lifted from my shoulders.

"Addison" Derek says again as I grab the phone out of Addison's hand.

I don't care if this visit is for medical purposes only. I'm going to talk to my father. I'm not going to forgive him. I'm just going to blame him. If you think about it, it is Derek's fault I got sick because if he hadn't of sent me back to New York, none of this would have happened in the first place.


	12. Chapter 12

I don't want to brag, but this chapter is utterly amazing. It's got to be the best chapter in the story, by far. I worked extremely hard on in, and I'm so happy by how it came out!

There's a scene towards the end of the chapter, which I got the lines from the show, in season 4 episode one. I've put a * at the beginning of the lines, indicating they aren't mine.

Julia's infection, should I write that it's something worse then it is? Or just leave it as an infection?

With that being sad, enjoy! :)

* * *

Chapter Twelve

**Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.**

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

_I'm five and ¾'s years old. I am standing in front of an enormous big brick building. Vanessa, my foster mother said it was called Mount Hope Elementary School. The building doesn't really look like an elementary school to me. There's black bars covering all the windows making it look more like a jail then an elementary school. I hold Vanessa's hand tightly. Vanessa says, everybody's got to get an education. I've never been to school before. When I lived on Satan Island in the big brown farmhouse, Adam would tell me about school. He taught me to read some words. Before the explosion, I could almost read all the words to The Very Hungry Caterpillar. I also knew how to write all my letters and was learning to spell words. I don't really like learning anymore. It makes me sad. When I write and read, I think about Adam. I don't like thinking about Adam because he's gone. Thinking about Adam also makes me think about my daddy. I don't like thinking about him either because he didn't save Adam in the farmhouse. Vanessa tells me all the time that you won't go nowhere in life you don't got an education. Vanessa begins to pull me up the concrete steps to the big doors at the top of them. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to think about Adam or my daddy. "Don't pull this crap with me," She says, holding my wrist even tighter. "Everybody goes to school. If you don't go to school, you'll be stupid. Do you want to be stupid?" I shake my head and follow her up the steps. "All your foster brothers and sisters go to school. You are too." "Is Diamond gonna be here?" I ask hurrying up the rest of the steps as Vanessa pulls open the door. Diamond says that I'm Vanessa's fake kid and she's her real kid. I may be three years younger than her but I'm not stupid. We don't even have the same color skin. "Diamond and Darnel." Darnel is 11. Vanessa always tells him to shut his mouth. "What about De-lisha?" I ask following Vanessa down a long, huge, empty hallway, our footsteps echoing behind us. "De-lisha is too young to go to school." "You said if you don't go to school, you're stupid. Is De-lisha stupid?" I ask as Vanessa turns around and slaps me across the face. It stings, like a sunburn. "Don't call my children stupid. Now shut your mouth," Vanessa begins walking down the hallway again. I run after her to catch up. She stops at a wooden door; she knocks a few times, and then opens it, walking inside the classroom. I go in after her, entering a world I've never seen before as if I'm in elsewhere. A lot of boys and girls my age look up at me from their desks. Everybody, even the teacher has the same color skin as Frank. I look down at my skin and then up at the other kids again. The teacher walks over to Vanessa and I. "I'm Mrs. Banks." She says smiling down at me. "You must be Julia?" I nod, confusingly. I wondered why I didn't look like anybody. I wondered why I wasn't dark like they were. They all looked like Frank. Maybe Mrs. Banks knew Frank. "Do you know Frank?" I ask her. Mrs. Banks shakes her head. "I don't think so." She then looks up at all the kids. "Class," Mrs. Banks says. "This is our new student, Julia Shepherd." "Why don't you go take a seat by Shannel." She points the empty seat in the back corner by the window. "You'll walk home with Diamond and Darnel after school." Vanessa says handing me my purple bookbag. "Don't pull any crap." Vanessa kisses me on the cheek she slapped and walks out of the classroom. When she's gone, I wipe it off with my sleeve and walk to the seat in the back of the classroom. I sit down behind the wooden desk not paying attention to what Mrs. Banks is talking about. Instead, I look out the window and wonder why I'm so different then everybody else. _

I struggled with communication my whole life. I was that shy kid who hung out on the playground alone, scared to talk to anyone. I was that kid who was scared to ask questions, and to say what was on my mind. I learned to keep everything to myself. Things were easier that way. It saved me from getting attached to people, getting beaten up. People say I am disconnected. The majority of therapists I've had over the years said it wasn't healthy. I wasn't just disconnected from people; I was disconnected from myself, from the world. My mind always being in a place I called elsewhere. In foster care, I would get punished for things that parents wouldn't even consider bad. Growing up, communication doesn't get any easier. Even adults have a hard time putting words together, saying what they really what to say. It's easy to tell they are angry because they yell. The majority of my foster parents hit me when they were angry. It was easy for them because I wasn't their child. They didn't think they would get in trouble for hitting me and they never did. I've never told because I don't know how to communicate. There are so many types of communication I don't even know were do being. Communication isn't just about talking it's about so much more then that. Communication is about exchanging information. To be able to communicate, you've don't just have to know how to talk; you have to learn how to listen, and understand. Seriously, who would want to communicate with somebody who talks all the time and doesn't give the other person a chance to endure in the conversation? We communicate with our emotions and our body language when we don't know what to say. Or sometimes when we can't speak the words out loud we write them down. Then there's technology. Computers, televisions, cell phones, iPods. Things we rely on because with out them, we'd be lost. Let's just take a second and imagine life without communication. What if one day you just woke up and all forms of communication were gone. You couldn't talk to one another, you couldn't read, you couldn't write, you couldn't show emotions. What if everything was gone? With out communication, the whole world would be hell. I couldn't even begin to imagine how lonely people would be. I think we begin to learn communication at such an early age because it's one of the most difficult things to learn. Nobody knows how to communicate perfectly. There's not just one way. People go to therapy to work out their problems, trying focus on how to communicate better with their selves and others. The thing is, you can't just stop communicating when it gets rough. You have to work though it. The only way you can work things out is to communicate. The therapists say I'm disconnected because I don't communicate. If you think about it, I guess it makes sense. To be able to communicate properly, you have to learn to trust someone, to find somebody to talk to. You see, with me, I'm don't have anybody to trust. I don't know how to trust. I wish someone would write a book teaching you how to trust. Maybe if I learn to trust, then I'll be able to communicate. When I finally find somebody I trust, I just know. It doesn't happen every often but when it does it's a wonderful thing, that is until you lose communication along they way and they fuck things over. Causing them lose your trust. Communication is a funny thing because with or without it, you'll be fucked either way.

I was beginning to feel suffocated staring at the gloomy white walls, which surrounded my convoluted hospital room. The sterile walls, cleansed with death, birth and uncertainty told stories of broken hearts and wished upon dreams, which were never to be seen again. The familiar latex, perfume, sweaty, bloody smell of the surgery ward no longer lingered through the air. Instead, my nose is overwhelmed with the strong overly clean smell of antiseptic. Trying to distract myself from the boring, depressing thoughts I was having about upsetting white walls, yawing, I pull energy drained body up into a sitting positing, crossing my legs underneath each other. The morning sunlight glistens like diamonds through the large glass window, on the left of my hospital bed. I listen closely to the faint sounds of the swallows chirping and seagulls squawking, their songs being over sung by a ferryboats horn, and the horn becomes over sounded by the buzzing and beeping sounds from my heart monitor as well as the dripping of my antibiotics falling from the bag attached to the IV tube. My French braid bounces against my back as I turn my head to towards window, only to be greeted by a rather unsatisfying, just as gloomy view of rooftops. My mind plays back the memories of last night, how Derek had hung up the phone before I actually got a chance to talk to him, how this made me even more upset, throwing another fit, acting like an unhappy two year old; unable to calm down. My fit went on for a least an hour. It got so bad to a point where Mark had to hold me down, while Addison stabbed my arm with a douse of Ativan to sedate me. Trying to get rid of the image in my head, I begin to think about ferryboats as I hear the familiar scrapping down of my hospital door being slid open.

"Ms. Patterson," Mark says to Janet who's sitting across from my bed, working on a crossword puzzle in The Seattle Times.

Janet looks up at Mark. "Good Morning, Dr. Sloan." Her eyes go straight back down to the crossword puzzle.

Her charismatic tone of voice surprises me deliberating she hasn't talked to me since she arrived here an hour ago. Also considering the fact that Janet's voice is never charismatic. It's high pitched, irritated and squeaky, the total opposite of charismatic. An uneasy feeling, begins to form inside my stomach, hoping Mark wouldn't mention the unpleasant events from last night. Putting that aside, I let out a rather dramatic sigh, trying to get Mark's attention. Mark ignores me, his eyes stare relatively noticeably at Janet's chest.

"I looked up _Beautiful _in the thesaurus today, and your name was in it." He remarks to her, stepping closer so he's inches away from Janet's face, which has by now basically gone blank. Her mouth hanging slightly open, her wide hazel eyes staring ahead at something, which isn't there. Mark leans over so his lips are extremely close to her right ear. "You know, we could bypass all the bullshit and just get naked."

I watch Mark in disgust, my facial expression similar to Janet's. I blink a couple times trying to figure this whole Mark hitting on my fifty-year-old social worker thing out. Mark was a man whore, a huge man whore to be more precise. It was the only reasonable conclusion I was able to come to.

"Excuse Mark," I apologize to Janet for him, finding this whole thing way too hysterical. "He's a huge man whore. He basically hits on everybody in eye sight."

I decide to leave out the fact in which he also slept with my stepmother.

"How many times do I have to remind you two this visit is for medical purposes only?" Janet barks at the both of us. Her voice is back to her usual high pitched irritating tone. "Dr. Sloan, I would apprentice it if you would stop trying to get me to sleep with you and focus on getting Julia better."

"Thanks a lot, Mini D." Mark says aggravated. Walking over to the foot of my bed, he opens the light blue binder in his hands, and looks down at my file. "You're scheduled for a CAT scan this morning. Are you feeling any better?"

My fever had gone down a lot since last night, but the burn on my stomach has swollen and gotten worse, if that was even possible. I didn't however, need another lecture from Mark about telling Janet the truth on how I got the burn. I force a smile onto my face and I do what I'm best at, lying.

"I'm fine." I inform him, sliding off my lumpy hospital bed, my body sinking into the uncomfortable plastic black seat of the aluminum wheel chair.

"Somebody farted," Mark asserts. Winking at me, he walks over behind the wheel chair, his fingers grip the black handles. "Let's get out of here."

Thinking it's a pick up line on me I look up at him in dismay.

"Ew. Mark seriously?" I bleat as the smell of rotten eggs lingers through the air. I being to realize Mark wasn't using another pick up line. He was actually being serious. "Mark!" I scream as he pushes my chair out of the hospital room. "That's totally disgusting. It's sick. You're so gross Mark!" I pinch my nose, indignantly while Mark explodes laughing.

* * *

Mark drives my wheelchair through the sterile hallway of the surgical ward passing a number of lifeless, unhuman like nurses, interns, residences, and attendings. Their body language is the total opposite compared to the overly happy, energetic, high-spirited nurses, interns, residences and attendings who work in the pediatrics ward. The overly strong smell of antiseptic clearer has now disappeared. The air is now filled with the magnificent, latex, perfume, sweaty, bloody smell. I begin to feel suddenly timid as I feel the flutter of butterfly wings in my stomach, knowing how much trouble Mark and I would get in if Janet knew where we were.

"Where are we going?" I question, my eyes jump around the familiar fifth floor, yet still fascinated by my surroundings. My question breaks the unusual silence Mark and I shared since his lame attempts to sleep with my social worker and his even lamer farting in my room joke. "Are you sure the CAT scan is on this floor? Why are the nurses staring at you?" I continue babbling.

Mark rolls my wheelchair past the nurses station, were several of the female nurses behind the large curved desk greet Mark with evil, irate glares.

"Derek gave me a book with pickup lines," Mark explains once we turn the corner and the nurses station is out of sight. "He said I should try and pickup up somebody other then his wife."

I giggle as a funny image of Derek chucking a book of pickup lines into Mark's hands as he yells at him to use his estrogenic hormones on someone other then his wife pops up in my head. "I'm taking it Derek hasn't forgiven you yet?" I wondered, knowing that would never happen.

"Not really," Mark divulges, disappointedly. "He just wants me to stop sleeping with his wife."

"Have you?" I interrogate him.

"I'm not going to say I have and I'm not going to say I haven't," Mark answers. "I know you want me to say I have but that would be lying. I am trying Mini D. Addison and I, it's complicated. We continued seeing each other after Derek left New York. It wasn't just a one time thing. You know that, you saw us together. It's hard being in love with somebody you can't have."

"Why'd you tell me that?" I ask as my chair stops rolling and Mark appears in front of me.

"You deserve the truth."

Mark's joking, childish, man-whoreness, has disappeared. His eyes look at me in a fatherly matter, concerned yet secure. The smile, which he forces on his face, hides the burden he goes through everyday of loving a women he can't have. It hides the guilt he feels every time he looks at me, knowing he's tearing apart my family. These things, nobody be able to know just by looking at the surgeon. But I know, I know because Mark's my friend, my best friend. He knows I know because I'm his Mini D.

I look at Mark with insecurity, a small smile appearing on my face.

"You're my best friend," I say quietly, the unfamiliar words bounce off my tongue. These words are even more unfamiliar then saying Derek is my father. "Addison is my stepmother. This is my family," I look at Mark, my blue eyes pleading. "You're my best friend Mark," I say again. My eyes shift nervously towards my toes. "You'll always be my best friend. But you have to stop sleeping with Addison. You're ruining Derek and Addison. You're hurting me," my voice cracks, my throats dry.

"I don't want to hurt you," Mark emphasizes me. "So many people have. I don't want to be one of them."

"Then give me a hug, before I start crying a river" I order him.

Mark locks his strong arms around me as I begin to become overwhelmed with a feeling of protection and comfort causing the strong amount of insecurity I had a moment ago to vanish.

* * *

Mark impels my wheelchair down a familiar corridor, one I must have walked through during my last visit in Seattle. The sound of his footsteps echoing through the long hallway stop as my wheelchair comes to a halt in front of a glass door, it's venetian blinds closed, blocking my view of the inside. Feelings of doubtfulness and imprecision gush through my veins as my eyes bounce from the glass door, beginning to trace the walls of the empty corridor, hoping I could remember the significance of this hallway compared to all the others.

"I'm not going to get a CAT scan am I?" I state the obvious.

Mark's grayish blue eyes gleam as he stands on the linoleum-tiled floor, his hands crossed at his chest, waiting for me to figure out where we are. My head turns back to the glass door, my eyes become attached to the white bold block lettering, in the middle of the door. The first line reads _Dr. Derek .C. Shepherd, _while the second line, _Head of Neurology_. My furious eyes dart from the pile of letters to Mark.

"Some best friend you are," I bellow ferocity, as I quickly jump out of my wheelchair, turn my back on Mark, slowly walking down the never-ending winding corridor.

"I told you I'm not going to hurt you," Mark shouts after me, his voice humorless. My feet come to a standstill.

"You're hurting me right now!" I call back at him.

"No, you're hurting yourself," He chided. "Just hear me out. Please Mini D?"

"Why should I?" I ask in a ranklement way.

"I'm your best friend!" Mark hollers.

I stand there as silence flows through the air. I take a breath letting the words Mark just yelled at me sink into my warm skin before I turn around to face him.

"As you're best friend," Mark's charismatic, childish, sarcastic, man-whoreness is back. My head turns away from him once again, not wanting to show him I'm actually happy about that. "It' my job to worry about you because somebody has too. I'm worried about you Mini D. You're sick and on top of being sick you're hurt. The phone calls we share, you're overly happy voice, that isn't you. How you would try and change the subject every time I mention Derek or Addison. Then, you showing up here. The burses, the burn, how those people hurt you," Mark looks like he's about to kill something or somebody; the redness of anger in his face, the tears forming in his eyelids. This defiantly isn't him. His mouth opens again, his voice shaking along with the rest of his body. "You're so little. Well not exactly little, but little compare to me. The nightmares you have. It hurts me. Knowing you're hurting so much and I can't do anything about it. You won't let me do anything to help you. I'm trying to help you, but, I don't know how. Each time I do, you seem hate me even more."

This whole somebody caring thing is hard for me to grasp a hold of. For the last thirteen years of my life, nobody's cared. So I made rules. It was easy to follow the rules because it was just me. As soon as I stepped into the surgical ward, that day many months ago, I became attached, breaking my number one rule. As soon as I stepped off that elevator, it wasn't just me in my life anymore. Mark, Addison, Derek. They became my life. While began to talk to each of them, I slowly began breaking more rules, until I had none left. Then, I watched them leave my life, as quickly as they entered.

I study Mark as watery tears begin to fall from his glossy grey blue eyes. From watching him, my own blue eyes become full of melancholy.

"I can't let you go back there Mini D because it's like a piece of you goes away each time you do. I can't lose you. I'm scared Mini D." Mark croaks. He wipes the tears away from his cherry red cheeks. "I'm scared one Sunday the phone calls are going to stop."

I walk towards Mark slowly at first. Carefully, one foot in front of the other. Not being able to control the suspense, my feet sprint the rest of the way to were Mark is standing. I fasten my arms around Mark's stomach and lean my head sideways against him.

"There's always going to be Sunday phone calls," I promise.

"Mini D," he says belligerent, pushing me off him, his hands on my shoulders, his eyes solemn. "You don't get it. The only way you're going to able to not go back to New York is to talk to Derek. You've gotta tell him what's happening. If you don't, it's going to continue to happen when you go back. I'm scared," Mark says demoralized. "I'm scared the beatings will get worse. I'm scared I won't be there to protect you. I'm scared you're going to die," Mark gulps.

"I promise, I'm not going to die Mark," I ensure him. "I'll tell Derek, but you've got to come with me. I can't tell him without you there. I need you." My voice becomes a whisper. "I'm scared too."

Mark nods, ambivalently. "We'll do this together okay?" He sticks out his large hand while my small one moves towards his, our hands clasping over top of one another.

Mark and I share a now-or-never look, our eyes shift towards Derek office door as we step inside together.

* * *

The grey walls of Derek's office remain vacant. The ferryboat picture no longer hangs on the blank wall to the left of me. My anxious body begins to shake as I shut my eyes, vanquished with discombobulation. I squeeze Mark 's hand so tightly, my own starts to ache. I try focusing my mind of ferryboats hoping my feeling of vulnerability would disappear. When I'm feeling a bit provocative again, I open my eyes wishing to be elsewhere. They look upon Derek, his head in an angled downward position, his blue eyes stuck onto a notepad on top of his large oak desk while his black fountain pen scratches across his paper.

"How's the book?" Derek chuckles with sarcasm in his voice, enough to show his anger, yet enough to remain civil. "Manage to pick up anyone other then my wife?"

"You're book fucking sucks Derek," Mark proclaims. "I didn't come here about the book."

"Then what do you want Mark?" Derek asks in a sharp tone.

"The nurses hate me, I'm not getting laid, I could really use my best friend right now." Mark implores looking at me, then back to an irritated Derek.

"I'm not your friend Mark," Derek says, infuriated.

* "I didn't come to Seattle for Addison and I didn't come to Seattle to be chief. I came to Seattle for you. I came to Seattle to get you back."

Derek's eyes shift from his paper towards Mark as he stares at him ungainly. I let out an unarguably laugh. Derek's eye's move towards me, his facial expression becomes shocked and even more full of fury. While Mark realizes how wrong his words he said to Derek were.

* "I know I want to take it back now," Mark's cheeks become flustered with humiliation as he shakes his head in despair. "But I've already said it, so." He laughs awkwardly waiting for Derek response.

Derek laughs awkwardly along with him. "Yeah so, want to tell my why my daughters here? And why you guys are holding hands?" He raises his eyebrows, his elbows move into an upright position as he rests his chin on top of them.

"She's my best friend," Mark says in a presumptuous voice.

This causes Derek lean back into his chair, breaking in a fit of unmanageable laughter. Mark and I exchange concerned glances as I begin to feel suddenly small.

"Let me, let me get this straight," Derek leans forward, on arm on his desk, the other clutching his side. "Since I won't be you friend," Derek says to Mark and then looks at me. "And you refuse to be my daughter, you guys become best friends?"

There's more laughter as I shrug, not sure what Derek finds funny about this whole thing.

"Let me guess," Derek says betweens breaths. "Mark you think that since my daughter is your best friend, and you," Derek points a finger at me. "You think since you undaughtered me you're able to get away with not telling me you're in the hospital?"

"Mini D's my patient Derek," Mark tries to explain the whole me being sick thing. "She's here for medical purposes only."

"Medical purposes only? I don't fucking care about that. When my daughter gets hospitalized, I should have the right to know."

"My social worker says you can't know because you're still going under the eveulation process, which probably isn't even the right reason because you haven't talked to me in months." I rebuke Derek, as my body temperature reaches boiling point. I quickly let go of Mark's hand so he doesn't notice.

"Why's she here Mark?" Derek asks him ignoring me. "If you want me to even consider being your friend again, you're going to have to tell me why my daughters in this hospital." Derek demands Mark.

"I could lose my job!" Mark yells at Derek.

"Well you could lose our friendship." Derek says crossing his arms across his chest.

"We've already lost our friendship. I've lost Addison. I can't lose my job because I can't lose Mini D. She's all a got left." Mark bellows, his tempter now choleric.

"There a burn on my stomach, which I've had for months," I raise my voice over the two of them arguing, making sure it's loud enough for them to hear me, hopefully to stop as well. Derek and Mark turn their eyes away from each and look towards me. "Because I didn't get medical treatment for it right away, it's infected. I've been to doctors in New York. They gave me medication and it doesn't work. They don't know why. My last doctor suggested Mark." I say.

Derek stares at me, his eyes full of worry, wanting me to say more. Except, I don't know more. My ears suddenly begin to pop. I try to open my mouth again, to tell Derek that's all I know. Except it' a lot harder then it normally is. Instead, I look at him with sorrowful eyes and shake my head sadly, indicating to him there's nothing more. Likely the silence is interrupted by a knock at the office door. Derek gives Mark an is-it-okay-if-i-let-this-person-in look. Mark nods.

"Come in!" Derek shouts, his voice sounds distance.

The scrapping of the office door opening against the floor is just a blur. I felt my skin begin to crawl. I look down toward my arm dangling from my side, lifelessly. I become stunned in an amused like way by how deathly pail it's become. Black cloud like shapes begin to form in front of me, making vision become disorientated. Extremely disorientated to a point where I can barely make out the shape of an enraged Janet, standing in the door way. Janet's screeches seem like more muffled up blurs as blood rushes up to my head, feeling as if I'm about to vomit. My mind's spinning a thousand miles per second as my energy level drains. My lifeless arm shoots back to life as it moves quickly, my hand grabbing onto the side of my stomach, while a searing pain shrieks from inside it. There so much pain, it's like my stomach pulled out of me. Derek's familiar vacant grey office walls has vanished right before my eyes, everything becomes pitch black, like a light eating whole in the center of the universe. I feel my body collapse as I being the never-ending fall into elsewhere.


	13. Chapter 13

**I'm sorry if the flashback may seem confusing. I added Amelia into the story. Basically, Julia's met Amelia before in her life when she was younger. She doesn't know Amelia is Derek's actual sister. You'll begin to understand they're relationship more as the story goes on and the flashback continues. - if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or whatever.**

**I'm also sorry for the fact I haven't updated in a while. I started a new job. So chapter updates might come slower then before. **

**With that being said, this chapter was extremely hard to write. I've worked on it every day since the uploaded the last chapter. I spent hours looking up symptoms and medical terms, trying to make it seem as real as possible. **

**I think it was worth it though, it came out better then I thought it did. **

* * *

****Chapter Thirteen

**No matter how hard we try to ignore it, or deny it. Eventually the lies fall away. Whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. ****It hurts. So, we lie.**

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy **

_I am six years old. It's a Saturday morning. Darnel, De-lisha, and Diamond are at their Dad's house for the weekend. Diamond told me I wasn't able to go because he is not my dad. Vanessa's getting ready for work. I'm sitting at the round wooden table in Vanessa's kitchen, struggling to read The Paper Bag Princess. It's my homework. On Friday, Mrs. Banks said everyone had to read his or her favourite book with a family member over the weekend. Then when we get back to school on Monday, we had to tell the class about the book. We have to tell the class what part we liked and what part we didn't like. When Adam was reading me the book the night he died in the fire, we never got to finish the book. The last part of the book we read was when Elizabeth wore a paper bag and went to save Ronald. I close the book angrily and cross my arms on my chest. There's no way I am reading this stupid book. There's no way I'm telling the class about it. There's a loud knock on the apartment door. Vanessa hurries to answer it, putting in an earring at the same time. "Amelia Shepherd!" she exclaims hugging the dark brown haired blue eyed women who was standing in the doorway. "I haven't seen you since high school!" I start to get excited, hearing the same last name as my being said. Vanessa lets Amelia into her apartment and closes the door behind her. "I would love to stay and chat Aims." Vanessa says walking frantically around the living room. She walks over the sofa and starts lifting the cushions off it one by one. Amelia notices me watching and waves. My head turns quickly back to the closed book in front of me "I've really have to get to work. If I miss this shift I'm gone." Vanessa turns to me. "Have you seen my red shoe?" She asks me. I shake my head still looking at the book. "You better not have stolen it. If you're lying you're going to get in…" her voice trails off as she looks under the sofa. "Thank god," Vanessa says pulling out the red heal. "What are you doing here?" Her attentions back to Amelia. "I need a place to stay." Amelia says. "Just for the summer while college is out. Please Vanessa? I don't want to go home just yet. I'm not ready. Next years loan doesn't come through until August. Please? I'll clean, I'll cook, I'll even babysit. It will be like old times." Amelia begs Vanessa. My eyes bounce towards the bedrooms, wondering were Amelia would sleep. Vanessa didn't a bed for me. Me and Diamond had to share a bed. It's not very fun because between my nightmares and her wetting the bed, neither of us get any sleep. Maybe Vanessa would have to by a new bed. "Are you using again?" She asks Amelia who shakes her head. "No drugs. I promise." Vanessa nods heading out the door. "I've gotta go, We'll talk about this later okay?" "I owe you." Amelia says smiling and gives Vanessa a hug. "Watch her," Vanessa says points to me, slamming the door behind her as she leaves._

_Once Vanessa's gone, Amelia walks over to me, sinks down into a chair and flops her feet up on the table. "I loved this book!" Amelia says reaching over to take the book in front of me. "My brother used to read it to me when I was your age." I grab the book before she can touch it and throw it across the room. "Well you obviously don't like the book." Amelia says as the book hits the ground on the opposite side of the room. "Adam read it to me. It's stupid. I don't want to read it. I hate reading!" I yelling into the apartment as I remember the burning farm house and begin to cry. "I hate farms too!" Amelia watches me, her blue eyes the same as mine. "What do you like?" She asks. I sniff, beginning to calm down. I like when people ask me this question. It makes me happy because I don't have to think about bad things. "I like hospitals and ferry boats." I say wiping away my tears. "I like hospitals too!" Amelia exclaims. "You do?" I ask, my sudden rage of anger has disappeared. "Yeah. I'm in school learning to be a doctor. I'm going to be the best surgeon in the world someday." "Me too!" I begin to just up and down in my chair excitedly. "Why are we the same?" I wonder out loud. "What do you mean?" Amelia asks me. "Why do we have the same name?" "You're names Amelia too?" I shake my head. "No Shepherd. We're both named Shepherd!" I then reach over, and pick a piece of Amelia's hair. I begin to point of all the things the two of have that's the same. "We both have brown hair! And blue eyes!" I point to my eyes. "And the same color skin!" I stretch over my arm so it's next to Amelia's. "Nobody in my class at school has the same skin as me. Our names are the same too!" I squeal with excitement. "Are the same family? Mrs. Banks taught us about families at school. She says you sometimes look like your family. I look like you so that makes you my family right?" "What about Vanessa? Isn't she your family?" Amelia asks me. I shake my head. "No. She's not my family. I'm not her real kid. I've never had a family in a long time." Amelia takes her feet off the table and sits up straighter in her chair. "What happened to your family?" "My momma is getting better. My daddy's a superhero 'cept he doesn't save lives anymore because he's broken. Can you be my family?" Amelia smiles but looks sad. "Okay. I'll be your family. I'll be your aunt okay?" I nod my head, jump up from the chair, run over to Amelia and hug her. "Let's be family forever and ever okay?" "Forever and ever." Amelia says hugging me back. _

Face it; we all lie. An average person tells four lies a day, 1,460 lies a year, and 88,000 lies by the time they're 60. You could lie to impress someone, or to get out of trouble, to improve your self-esteem or to hide things you're ashamed off. I lie mostly to hide things. The most common lie people say is "I'm fine." A line, I've probably said least a million times in my life on top of all the other lies I've told. I'm so good at lying that sometimes, I don't even have to open my mouth to say a lie. I lie because the truth hurts. It hurts me just as much as it would for the person I told. Take the whole me telling Mark about my burn thing. Another one of my rules is, avoid telling the truth at all costs. By telling Mark the truth, I broke another rule. He pities me now. The last thing, I want is pity. The last thing I want is sympathy. The last thing I want is for him to think I'm weak. Maybe that's another reason, why I'm hiding the truth. I don't want people to think I'm weak. Sometimes, I like to think that everything I've been through made me stronger. The things that happened to me have not made me stronger. I lie, so people think I am. But inside, I'm fragile, broken and weak. I'm hanging on by a thread. Barely there. Barely alive. So lying became my habit. I used it to create a life I didn't feel ashamed of. I told lies one after another; until I've told so many I've lost count. I guess because I've lied a lot, most of my lies are believable. I pause a lot when I lie, between sentences. I pause to think of the other lies I've told a person. Sometimes, I'll tell one person one lie, and a different person another lie. It get's a little tricky so I have to think. Then, there's the lies I've told so many times, the stories become natural to tell. They're the easy lies. They're the lies I tell which are most believable. Lies. Everybody lies. It's easy to tell them, they're just impossible to stop.

I'm not sure why I've gotten so attached to Seattle Grace Hospital. Normal people hate hospitals. I'm not normal. You've probably figured that out by now. I don't hate hospitals. I like hospitals. I've always liked hospitals. Especially this one. This hospital makes me feel safe, loved, and alive. I've never been loved before. I like feeling loved. You feel all warm and cozy inside. It's an opposite from what I usually feel; dark and dreary. I wish I could be a patient in this hospital forever. I like being a patient. It's like being on vacation, getting waited on hand and foot by doctors. I like the doctors. I like them not just because they make you better, but because they can't lie to you. They are obligated to tell you the truth. I like that. I wish I were obligated to tell the truth. That would make my life so much easier.

Mark's gotten my MRI results back. He's standing in front of my hospital gurney, holding the laminated pictures in his hands. Dr. Robbins, an attending for the pediatrics ward is standing beside him. He's talking in doctor language, listing off a long list of things I have no idea what they mean. He says I have an intra abdominal infection. My IV is filled with a crystalloid fluid and an antibiotic called norepinephrine. The crystalloid fluid helps replace the fluid that's been leaving my body. Dr. Robbins informs me I'll need a Percutaneous Drainage Catheters Procedure, to drain the unwanted fluid out of my body. She informs me that Mark's going to redress my burn. I'm not paying attention. I'm too busy thinking of Derek and Addison's trailer in the middle of nowhere land. So the rest of what Dr. Robbins says becomes a blur. I think of my cozy small table bed inside the camper, the smaller then smaller bathroom, and the tiny hallway, leading straight to Derek and Addison's bed. I think of the large woods surrounding the trailer, making it seem insignificant compared to them. I imagine exploring the woods, finding Derek at the lake he fishes at. The still and sparkling water, is pure and blue. The grass, lifting itself up, dancing to the songs of the wind. Derek and I dance along with it. We're smiling. We're laughing. We're in Elsewhere. A place that's on the other side, beyond our reach, past the mysterious fence. It's a place that isn't real. It's a place that doesn't exist. It's a thing that could only happen in elsewhere, only in my mind.

My body jigs from a cool sensation of some kind of cream being applied to my stomach. Goosebumps trace along my spinal cord, quivering from my lower back to the top of my head. My imagination's gone. There's no more middle of now where land. No more trailer. No more woods. No more lakes and no more dancing with my father. Now a boring, depressing hospital room surrounds me. There's Dr. Robbins who's standing on at the foot of my bed, and Mark who's sitting beside me on the gurney, redressing my burn.

"What the hell's that?" I inquire, pushing his hands off my stomach.

I notice the latex glove on Mark's left hand as he places his fingers into a round plastic indigo container, which is sitting on the table beside my hospital bed.

"It's silver sulfadizine. It helps the damaged tissue repair its self. You're burn has passed your first layer of skin, the epidermis and leaked into the second layer, the dermis." Mark begins talking doctor again.

He tries placing his hand on my stomach again. I flinch, feeling very awkward about Mark touching me. I never feel comfortable when people touch me, especially males. I've always felt this way. Maybe it's because of the abuse I've endured. Maybe it's because I'm not a very affectionate person. Whatever it is, I don't like it. My stomach feels like it's flopping inside out. I just want Mark to stop. Except, I'm scared to ask him to. So, I sit here powerlessly. My blue eyes attached to the large glass door. I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for someone. I'm waiting for Janet. For Addison. For Derek. I wait, because there's nothing really I can do.

"You have a second degree burn." Dr. Robbins voice startles me, my eyes switching from the door, now attaching to her.

To be honest, I'm thankful Dr. Robbins is here. Not only does she make me feel like a patient, explaining the medical terms Mark says, so I actually know what's going on. She makes me feel like a kid—something that doesn't happen when Mark's around. He more or less treats me like a grownup. I think he thinks, that since I'm his Mini D, he's able to tell me what ever he wants. I like that. I like being Mark's best friend, Mark's Mini D. Sometimes though; it's just nice to be a kid. It's not just something that doesn't happen a lot when Mark's around, but in general. I've never really got the chance to be a kid. I like being a kid. Maybe that's why I like this hospital so much.

"The silver sufadizine will help heal the burn. While the norepinephrine, will help take away the infection growing inside your body. The Percutaneous Drainage Catheters Procedure will get any of the infection that's left, by flushing the fluid out of your body" Dr. Robbins proceeds, her voice in a tranquil like matter, her blueish green eyes, move towards Mark. She then deliberately closes the venetian blinds around my hospital room, blocking the view from the life filled hallway.

Mark finishes redressing my burn by placing a large sterile cloth over my stomach, securing the bandage with medical tape. He then gets up, walks slowly over to the viewbox. He takes out the MRI results, studying them as if he's never seen them before. "You're MRI result also specify there's bruising in other places of you body." His voice now a gravelly whisper. The images Mark holds shake along with his hands.

I'm starting to think Mark's deranged. He's taking this whole abuse thing way out of portion. He's making it into a bigger deal than it's supposed to be. I'm starting to regret telling Mark about the abuse in the first place. I defiantly wasn't thinking straight when I told him. There's no why I could have been because if I have, I would have never told him the truth. Even though he's my best friend, I don't trust him yet. I know I've told him that I do, but I don't. I don't trust him enough yet to know my secrets.

Mark hands being to shake even harder. His whole body starts trembling as he puts down the MRI results. Turning his back away from me, he moves his fingers through his hair. I know he's mad. Mark always gets mad whenever the topic of my abuse comes up. He's mad at me as well. He's mad because I refused to tell Janet about what's happening. He's probably also mad because I never got to tell Derek. In a way, I'm happy I never did. If I were to, he would have ended up going to get support from Meredith, who would go to Christina for advice. Christina would share the gossip to the attending with the best surgical case in hopes to scrub in during the procedure. Basically, gossip spreads like the speed of light around here. There's no way that I would be having the whole hospital know.

"Either Dr. Sloan or I will do a physical abuse exam." Dr Robbins continues explaining where Mark left off. "Who ever your more comfortable with."

There's no way this happening. There's no way this is going to happen. As of right now, I am going to do anything possible to make this not happen.

"I don't understand. Why do I need a physical abuse exam?" I catechize imitatively. I obviously don't see why I need one, I've never been abused in my life." I can feel my fingers twitching under the blankets. Usually I'm a better liar then this.

"Are you serious Mini D?" Mark voice is astringent as he spins his body around lividly. His arms dangle from his side, hands clenched into fists. Redness comes upon his face, fuming with rage.

"Yes," I respond austere, staring directly at Mark; trying to make my lies seem more believable. The only way to possibly do this is to explain how I got each bruise. I lift up my left arm first, pointing to a yellowish one near my wrist with my right pointer finger. "This one, some jerk at school pushed my down because I was in his way." I move my finger and point to the next very visible bruise. "I got this one from getting hit with a Frisbee in gym class." I then move my hair away and show them a larger bruise on the side of my neck. A couple weeks ago, Kelly came home drunk. She knew the sexual things Bill would do to me. She was jealous, and thought I was actually trying to seduce him. Kelly hated how her husband was always watching me. How he would get me to sit beside him while he was watching television, sneaking his hand onto me when he thought Kelly wasn't watching. Kelly had lost it. She flung herself at me, hands grasping my neck, choking me until my face turned blue.

I take a breath, trying to get the horrible image out of my head. My eyes shift away from Mark and I open my mouth to tell the next lie except nothing comes out. It's like I've told too many lies and I have no more left to tell. My hospital door slides open and thankfully, I don't have to make up any more lies as Janet, steps into my room. Derek and Addison at her heels.

"Ms. Patterson!" Dr. Robbins exclaims, breaking the silence the three of us shared. "You're just the person I've wanted too see."

"Me too!" I chime in, pulling my self into a sitting position; I cross one leg over the other so I'm able to get a better grasp of what's going on.

Janet couldn't have picked a better timing to come back into the room. I can get her to back me up on the whole not being abused lie. Janet basically worships Bill and Kelly Sanders, my foster parents. She in denial of them being abusive. With her help, hopefully, I can finally convince Mark and Dr. Robbins that I don't need a physical.

"You've wanted me gone since we've entered this hospital. You're excited to see me?" Janet asks, surprised in her usual high-pitched irritating voice. "I cannot say the same for myself however. I am extremely furious with you right now Julia. You went above and beyond me to go see your father? I've been very clear with you from the start this visit is for hospital purposes only. What part of that don't you understand?"

It's time to tell a truth. Not _the_ truth about the abuse but a different truth. Just to even out all the lies. "Do you want to know what I don't understand Janet? I've waited thirteen years to have a father. When I finally get one, it turns out he doesn't want me. So, I get used to the fact of not wanting him. But I do want him. I need him because he's my father. It hurts so much knowing the person you want the most wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Him not wanting me must be my fault. I must have done something wrong," With my voice quivering I turn towards Derek. A lump develops inside my dry throat. "Tell me what I did wrong!" I demand, a single wet tear drizzles down my cheek and my mouth becomes filled with the taste of salt water. "What did I do wrong? Why don't you want me? Why don't you love me? Am I not good enough?" My body feels like it's drowning, as I try to struggle for breaths of air. One by one, more tears begin to fall from my eyes. "Why can't I live with you?" I continue. "I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be here. I want to be at the trailer. I want to go home," my voice becomes raised into a yell. With my fingernails, I scratch frantically trying to get the IV tube out of me.

A rough warm hand moves my own away from my arm. It's Derek's. I don't have to look, it's just something I know. My panic's vanished instantly and suddenly I'm calm again. I feel his body sit onto my bed causing my mattress to sink. I keep my blue eyes turned away to hide the suppression and misery they show and the inadequacy that's piling up inside of me. Derek places his hand onto my shoulder and I immediately push it away. A silence that's quite enough to hear a pin drop echoes off the white sterile walls of my hospital room. Nobody has the nerve to talk. Each one of us is waiting for another to say something. I look towards Addison, who drops her worn-out body into the chair beside the door. My eyes are drawn her bright green eyes. My face turns puzzled because I remember her eyes to be brown color. They seem distant, her mind probably in elsewhere. Mark's basically the same as Addison. His right hand is placed on the window ledge, holding up the weight of his body, which leans against it. His left hand on his left hip. His eyes filled with the same hurt and inadequacy I'm feeling. Nervously, my fingers begin scratching on the IV tube again. The silence is making everything else worst. I look at the glass door wanting to make a run for it. I don't due to the fact Derek's sitting on my bed, he'd probably grab hold of me and I'd embarrass myself even more by not even making it off the bed.

"You mentioned you were looking for me, Dr. Robbins?" Janet's voice breaks the silence. Her eyes however, looking at me knowing I'm about to run any minute.

"Julia's scheduled for a Percutaneous Drainage Catheters Procedure later on," Dr. Robbins begins. "You have to sign some papers which are in my office. I'll explain the procedure there as well."

I look at Janet terrified, not wanting her to leave knowing that if she does, Mark's going to bring up the whole abuse thing again. If I want to keep this secret hidden, it's time to take matters into my own hands. My hospital room door slides open, as words vomit out of my mouth.

"Don't leave Janet!" I beg.

Derek, Addison and Mark exchange glances. They don't understand why I want Janet to stay. Neither does Janet. I never ask her for anything so my sudden plea alerts her. She turns towards me, concerned.

"Mark thinks," I pause trying to figure out what to say. "Kelly and Bill are abusing me." I give Mark an I'm-so-sorry-look. The last thing I want to do is get Mark in trouble. But I had to think of something convincing fast. "Him and Dr. Robbins think I need a physical abuse exam."

"I can ensure you Dr. Sloan," Janet says. "Kelly and Bill Sanders are not abusive people. In fact, they're the nicest people you'll ever meet. They would never lay hands on a child. I don't know what Julia's told you but what ever it is, it's probably a lie. Children, especially teenagers are known to lie all the time. Julia is no exception. The three of you must know this by now," Janet glances at me before following Dr. Robbins out of the hospital room.

"I don't want a physical," I growl at Mark once they left. "I've told you how I got each bruise, isn't that good enough?" I ask him annoyed.

"No it's not," Mark says picking up the MRI images again. "You have internal bruising on some of your bones. The MRI doesn't pick up bruises on your skin."

"What's the big deal?" I question, rolling my eyes.

"What's the big deal?" Addison repeats me, sitting up in her chair. "You're the one making this whole thing into a bigger deal then it should be Mini D. Firstly, you wouldn't be fighting so hard not to get examined if you didn't have nothing to hide. Just cooperate with Mark and get the damn examination done."

"I'd rather die then get that examination done," I bellow back at her.

Which is the truth. I'm angrier because when I told Mark about my abuse, I told him as my best friend. It would be different if I had told him about my abuse as my doctor. Then maybe I would want to do something about it. I can tell that Addison and Mark are getting frustrated with my stubbornness as both they eyes shift towards Derek looking for help, hoping he'll speak up sometime soon.

"Derek, please tell your daughter she needs to have a physical abuse evaluation." Mark says in a harsh, annoyed, irritated voice.

"For the millionth time, I don't need one," I say.

"That's a bunch of bull Mini D," Mark says. "We both know it. Just tell them the fucking truth. How hard could it possibly be to tell them the truth?"

It's a lot harder then you would think it is. That's for sure.

"Is there something you're not telling us? Addison asks, her voice softer now.

Sure there's things I'm not telling them. There are lots of things. These are the things I just can't tell them because if I do, they wouldn't want me. I shake my head, my blue eyes look into my father's matching ones; wishing his super hero powers would come out just about know and read my mind.

"Are you accusing my daughter of lying Mark?" Derek speaks to Mark. It's something I wasn't expecting Derek to do since he hasn't spoken since he entered my hospital room earlier. "You heard what Janet said earlier," He says raising his eyebrows at Mark. "She's known my daughter longer then we have. I trust her. If she says Mini D's foster parents would never hurt her, then I believe her."

"But the scans," Mark says his voice trailing off.

"The scans could mean a number of things Mark," Derek points out. "I suggest you stop standing here and go figure out what they actually mean."

Derek's comment makes Mark beyond furious. I figured if Mark hadn't have slept with Addison, then maybe Derek would have taken his side about the whole abuse thing. However, this is not the case.

"Look at her!" Mark yells, pointing a figure at me. "Look at the bruises and the scars."

My body becomes numb as both Addison and Derek's eyes attach to me. My secret was way to close to coming out. I couldn't let this happen. I couldn't.

"I've told you how I got them Mark!" I give him another I'm sorry look. "Please tell me you're not going to believe him Derek," I contradict. "I'm your daughter. He's the coward who slept with your wife. Who's still sleeping with your wife." I add making Mark seem belittle.

Addison's bright green eyes dart nervously from me to Derek to Mark. Bringing his arm up and hand into a fist, I feel a swift of arm brush by me as Derek rages up from my bed throwing his fist into Mark's face. The pressure from the punch causes Mark's head to jerk backwards, followed by the rest of his body crashing to the floor. Mark sits there for a minute, shocked as he brings his hand up to his bleeding lip. Derek steps back shaking out his hand. I wish I could of thought of a better plan they giving away Mark and Addison's secret. Besides, Derek was probably going to figure it out sooner than later.

"What the hell Derek?" Mark pushes his body off the ground. His eyes land on me.

I'm not sure who feels more awful me, or Mark. Like Derek, I'm furious at Mark for sleeping with Addison and ruining my family. I'm resentful towards Meredith Grey for doing the same thing with Derek. Yet, I'm infuriated at Mark because he started this whole thing. I just want him to end it. Which he obviously isn't trying to do, so, I'm going to just have to do it for him.

"You're nothing!" I scream at Mark, making things worst then they already are. "You're ruining my family!" I point out the obvious, bringing my body over the end of my bed. Turbulently, I'm about to fly forward, and hit him, except Addison rushes up from her chair and grabs a hold of me. "You're nothing anymore. You're not my father's best friend because you slept with his wife. You're not my best friend either. It's you're fault I'm not allowed to live here. I wished you never existed!" I yell at him. "Because, me, Derek, and Addison are better off without you. Leave me alone. Leave us alone. Go back to fucking New York!"

I struggle for breaths, trying to calm myself down. I feel out of control, with the lies being impossible to stop. A tremendous amount of guilt rushes through me as I hear my hospital room door slam shut, realizing what I've done. My heart feels as if it's sagging down into any empty pit of darkness. I feel like I'm being eating alive, part-by-part, piece by peace, until there nothing left. I know what I did was wrong and I want more then ever to take every single lie I've said back; to make things right again. I've lost Mark. I've lost my best friend. I've lost the only person who could make me smile when the whole world seemed upside down. The person who could, make the awkward silence laughable. He wasn't the one tearing my family apart. He was one rebuilding us; holding my family together. Now, it's my fault he's not here anymore. It's my fault he's gone and, it's my fault Derek, Addison and I have become even more broken then we already are. It's because of the lies I've told, things will never be the same again. Lies don't just hurt the people your telling them too, they hurt yourself. Since I've messed up, it's now my responsibility to make everything right again. The only way I can do that is to tell the truth; the whole truth.


	14. Chapter 14

This chapter is all about moments. It's kind of deep, I think. I loved writing the flashback and intro for this chapter. I think they turned out amazing.

Enjoy :)

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

**Heaven. Hell. Limbo. No one really knows where we're going… or what's waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty… is that there are moments that take us to**

**another place. Moments of heaven on Earth. And maybe for now,**

**that's all we need to know.**

**- Denny Duquette, Grey's Anatomy **

_It's summer vacation. I'm awoken to sunlight glistening through the curtains into the small room Darnel, Diamond and De-lisha and I share. Darnel, Diamond and De-lisha are spending summer vacation at their dad's house. Of course, I'm not allowed to go. I'm actually happy I don't get to go. I get to spend time with Aunt Amelia all by myself. Aunt Amelia tells me she has lots of other nieces and nephews. She says I'm her favourite because I'm special. I like being her favourite. I like spending time with Aunt Amelia. She always tickles me until I can't breathe. We always do fun things together. We take loads of silly pictures on her camera. I decide, I'm going to take a picture to surprise her with when she wakes up. My feet drag my tired body out into the living room. Aunt Amelia is still asleep on the sofa bed. I open the drawer to the end table that's beside the sofa. It's where she keeps her camera. I move the papers around in the drawer trying to find it. My eyes come across a plastic bag filled with grownup candies. I pick them up, looking at them in awe. It's been along time since I've seen a grownup candy. It's been a long time, since I've have eaten a grown up candy. Sometimes grownup candies, made you feel bad and other times, they made you feel good. I figured since I was more grownup, it would be okay to have a grownup candy. I take a white candy out of the bag and swallow it. I then climb up onto the sofa bed and begin jumping on it to wake Aunt Amelia up. I figured she would want a grownup candy too. "Aunt Amelia!" I say, falling onto the mattress and lying down beside her so my face is inches away from hers. I hold up the bag of grownup candies and tickle her nose with it. "Aunt Amelia wake up!" I giggle as her blue eyes flutter open. "Let's have a grownup party!" I say excitedly. I begin bouncing on the bed again. "What are you doing jumping on the bed?" She laughs tiredly. "Look Aunt Amelia!" I shout happily. "I'm flying like my daddy! I'm a superhero like my daddy!" Aunt Amelia pulls me down into the pillows. My stomach starts to hurt as she begins tickling me. I push her hands away. "Stop it Aunt Amelia!" I yell at her, my hands holding my tummy. It felt as if a lot of bugs where eating me. Trying to get inside my tummy. I start hitting her, thinking she's still tickling me. "Stop eating me!" I scream, my little fists bang against her. She grabs hold of me, my body still squirming. Aunt Amelia releases her grip and my hands quickly go onto my body, trying to fling the bugs off. "Get the bugs off me!" I continue to yell at her, confused with what's going on. "Julia, look at me." Aunt Amelia says. My head moves towards the ceiling. "You don't have any bugs on you. There's nothing on you." "I look at them!" I point my hand up in the direction my heads looking. "They're all falling form the sky! They're eating me!" Aunt Amelia then notices the bag of grownup candy on the bed. Her eyes widen as she picks up the bag. "Are you going to have a grownup candy too?" I ask her, my body now shaking, my eyes darting around the room looking for more bugs. "You had one of these?" Aunt Amelia asks calmly. "How'd you get them?" "I was looking for your camera. I found them. My momma used to do grownup candies. So did Frank and Mike. I would have to do grownup things with Frank so my momma could get grownup candies. Frank always gave me grownup candies when we finished. It stopped the hurting." Aunt Amelia looked like she was gonna cry. I crawl over to where she is sitting and climb up on top of her. "Why are you sad Aunt Amelia?" She wipes away her tears and pushes my tangled hair out of my face. "What Frank did to you was really really mean right?" I shake my head. "I had to do it to become a grownup because I wanted grownup candy." "Grownup candy isn't good for you. Nobody should have grownup candy. It isn't safe." "It makes you mean right Aunt Amelia?" "Sometimes," Aunt Amelia said. "My momma would get mean and hurt me when she did grownup candy. Are you going to do that?" I look up at her with sad eyes. She shakes her head. "I could never do that." "Why couldn't you?" I ask. "Because I love you too much." She answers. Her wet tears fall onto me and mine onto the bed. Nobody's ever said I love too me before. _

Life's full of moments. Moments are what bind us together. They're what keep us going. These moments turn into knowledge; the knowledge giving you power. With the power you gain from your knowledge, you decide which moments you keep as memories and the ones you let vanish as quickly as they appeared. Most people chose to remember the big moments; the moments that take your breath away. With me, it's often the big moments I chose to forget. It's the little moments I rather remember. The little moments many people use their power to forget. The ones most people take for granted. The little moments which, show up randomly when you're least expecting it. They're the moments I love. They're the moments I live for. They're the ones that take my breath away. Everybody has a favourite moment, one that becomes you're favourite memory. Mine's when my Aunt Amelia told me she loved me, something nobody else has ever done before. It doesn't take much, to become a moment. Every thing you do becomes a moment. Some moments are easy to decided to keep, others not so easy. Then, there are the moments you forget, the ones you wished you'd remember. There are the moments you want to forget. These moments aren't the ones you picked to remember, but they're so horrible you're forced to remember them. I have many of these moments locked into the back of my mind. Moments happen so fast and as they do happen, you're not able to take them back. I don't know if I believe in heaven, hell or the limbo for that matter. I would like to believe there's an afterlife. But nobody really knows until they go there. I would love my afterlife to be elsewhere, a place from my imagination. I hope it's a place were I get to relive my favourite moments. _Amelia saying I love you. Riding the ferryboat for the first time. Adam. Dancing with Addison in her office. Mark becoming my best friend._ Those are only some of my favourite moments, the moments, which became memories, the memories I'll hold onto forever. When I die, I'm not going to that afterlife, that heaven. I've done so many horrible things; I'm going to end up in an afterlife that's terrifying, where my never-ending nightmare becomes real. In this afterlife, I'll relive all the horrible moments again and again. _My mother, Frank, getting shot, Addison leaving me, the group home, the farmhouse burning, Adam dying, Derek not wanting me, crashing Addison's car, going back to foster care, Bill and Kelly, ruining Mark's and my friendship. _It's easy to tell, the bad moments I have in my life, out weigh the good. That's why, when a good moment comes a long, I treasure it. I hold onto it forever because where I'm going when I die, I'm afraid there won't be enough good moments to become my afterlife. That's why I don't like thinking about heaven, the limbo, about hell. I'm scared I'll end up there, in hell, in the most unthinkable place imaginable. I don't want to go to hell. Nobody wants to go to hell. For us, that know were we're headed when we die, we choose not to believe in an afterlife. In heaven, or in hell. Those places become unthinkable to us. It's mostly because we're in denial that those places exist. What if, you die thinking you're going to heaven and then end up in hell? What if, you die thinking you're going to hell and end up in heaven? That's why it's better for us not to think about these things, not to believe in an afterlife, not to get our hopes up to high. Personally, I'm better off, rotting in the ground then going to hell; having to relive all the horrible moments over and over again. When you're dead rotting in the ground, you're alone living in internal darkness. Which in reality is much worst then both heaven and hell combined.

* * *

The fresh green grass is swaying in the wind, it's long blades smell as if its freshly cut but it hasn't been. The bottoms of my feet become stained with shades of green and brown as they dance over top of the cool moist grass. I lift my head up looking up at the clear blue sky, letting the sun's warmth sink into my pale skin, giving me color. My ears are filled up with the sound of Derek and Addison's laughter as they dance together. I skip and dance around them, laughing along with them, the yellow flowers scratching against my bare legs. I begin spinning. Slowly at first. Then faster and faster. I feel like a princess in a fairytale, something every girl dreams of. I'm the princess, Derek's the king and Addison's the queen. Tired and out of breath, I collapse to the ground. I turn over and lay on my back looking up at the now dark night sky. There's a boom of thunder. The wind stops blowing, the grass stops swaying. Derek and Addison stop laughing. The air around me becomes icy and cold, making everything seem frozen. I pull myself up, looking around to find them; my heart begins beating faster, knowing something isn't right. There's another boom. I let out a scream realizing the sound isn't thunder, but a gunshot.

"Derek? Addison?" I yell horrified, my voice shaking.

My eyes wonder around the never-ending field. I begin running in the direction the sounds are coming from. I trip over a rather large object and my body comes crashing to the ground. I pull myself up realizing I'm lying over a motionless Derek.

"No! No! No!" I scream, each no becoming louder as an ocean of tears fall out of my eyes. "Derek wake up!" I begin hitting his chest with my hands. When that doesn't work, I begin hitting the sides of his face. "Addison help!" I bellow for her. "Addison! Derek wake up! Daddy wake up!" Derek's corpse continues to stay lying frozen on the ground. I look around for Addison, finding her lifeless body a few inches away. "Addison!" I scream and I begin to cry harder. I crawl over to her flinging my arms around her. "You can't die Addison! You never got the chance to be me my mom. I want you to be my mom." I cry out, my eyes darting around trying to find where the gun shots came from.

Suddenly, I feel a hand wrap tightly around my wrist. My eyes look up to see Frank. He begins pulling me away. "No! Frank! Derek! Derek! Derek!" I scream for him. "Help me! You've gotta help me Derek! Addison! Addison! Add—"

* * *

Somebody's running. I can hear them. Their heavy pounding footsteps echo throughout my ears. I just don't know who it is. The field is pitch black. I can't see anything. Derek's calling me. I wish the footsteps belonged to him, but they couldn't have because his corpse is lying motionless on the ground. His voice at first sounds distance but comes closer with each word he speaks. It soothes me. My heart rate gradually becomes slower. My hectic sobs turn into a whimper as I start to pay attention to the words he's speaking to me.

"You my Mini D," Derek tells me, his voice comforting. "You're a mini me. I'm here. It's just me. It's okay. You're safe now." He pauses for a second as my once frantic breaths come back to normal.

My blue eyes pop open. Derek's presence bewilders me. Our father daughter relationship isn't the best. It's awkward and secluded. When it's just us, we never know what to say to each other. I think the main reason for this is because we're both so much alike. There's also the fact, I'm still mad at him for not wanting me. The tension we have towards each other makes the awkwardness ten times as bad.

"Hi," I mumble, not knowing what to say.

"Hey," Derek replies. "You were having a pretty bad nightmare. You're screaming pretty much woke up the whole pediatrics ward."

Derek leans his body into the back of the blue padded chair. A chair Derek must have moved beside my hospital bed. He's changed out of his familiar navy scrubs and is now wearing a blue dress shirt, black dress pants and a black blazer. He forces his mouth into a small smile. Crossing his arms over the other, Derek rests them against his chest, and then brings his foot up, resting it sideways on his thigh.

"I didn't mean too" I say defending myself. "I could help it."

"I know," Derek acknowledges. "You were calling out for me. I heard you. I was down the hall."

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm sorry for having a nightmare."

"You don't have to be sorry, Mini D." Derek chides. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I…I…I," I stumble not knowing how to talk to Derek about it. It's just so hard to talk to him. "I don't know how." I confess.

"Okay," Derek empathizes me, yet not pushing me to continue. "Want do you want me to do then?"

There are a lot of things I want him to do. I want him to want me. I want him to be my dad. I want him to love me. I want him to hold me. I want Derek to tell me every things going to be okay. I want to be able to trust him. I want him not to hurt me again. I want him to care. I know these things are a little too much to ask for. I know these things aren't going to happen because for me, they're impossible to tell him.

"I want you to sit here." I tell him.

I shuffle my body around trying to get more comfortable. I'm not asking for much by him just sitting here, by him just being here. Right now though, that's the only thing I want him to do which isn't impossible to ask of him. It's also something he can't screw up, which, in a way is a kind of a big deal, since our relationship is so screwed up anyway.

"I can do that."

The silence Derek and I share only lasts less then a minute before I begin sharing to him the terrors of my nightmare.

"In my dream," I reveal. "You died. Addison did too."

"Did I die in the other dream too?" Derek asks me.

I nod my head. "You die in all my dreams," My voice becomes a whisper.

Derek leans forward again; he places his elbow on his knees. He's about to say something, but Addison interrupts us as she hurries into the room. Hastily, she's about to come over to me, but her feet cease still, realizing Derek's beat her too it. I assume one of the nurses must have paged her in regards to my nightmare. I'm not sure what she's more surprised about—me being calm, or Derek being in my room.

"You're okay?" Addison stammers. Her head bobbing from me to Derek, hoping one of us will explain what's going on.

I shrug, not knowing what to say, which is odd considering Derek's usually the person I have a hard time talking to. I also don't know if I'm okay or not. Normally after I have nightmares, I'm not okay. I'm shocked at the fact Derek calmed me down enough to be somewhat okay.

"Mini D had a nightmare," Derek explains to Addison.

"Yeah," Addison's green eyes land on me. "I heard." She walks over and sits on the end of my bed.

As much as I hate my nightmares, I actually don't mind having them. I hate to say it, but it's like the only time I get attention. It's nice to have people who care about you, even if it's not as much as you would like them too. I just hope neither of them tells Janet about what's been happening. The last thing I want is to go back to New York, and continue living with Bill and Kelly Sanders. However, I'm starting to think Mark's right about me having to tell Derek and Addison about the abuse. I don't have to tell them my whole life story. I don't have to tell them about my mother, about the drugs and about Frank. I'll just tell them enough so I get a bit more attention. I'll just tell them enough so Mark won't hate me anymore. I'll just tell them enough to get out of going back to New York. I take a breath. It's now or never.

"Can I tell you guys a secret?" I ask, sitting up in my bed.

"You can tell us anything, you know that right?" Addison ensures as she places her hand on my leg.

I look at Addison doubtful. "It's something horrible. Like really bad. I don't think you would want me anymore if I tell."

"Whatever it is," Addison assures me. "We'll still want you."

My head nervously turns towards where Derek's sitting. "You have to promise not to tell Meredith." I entreat.

Derek nods, "I won't tell Meredith," he promises.

"Everybody in the hospital will know if you tell Meredith." I say, accusingly.

"I won't tell Meredith," Derek promises again.

"Kelly's jealous of me because Bill likes me better then her," I begin to confess the truth to them. Anxiously, I pause for a second as my blue eyes dart from Derek to Addison making sure they're listening. "He's always watching me. He's always looking at me. When he's watching television, I have to go sit on the sofa with him. I always sit at the opposite end of the sofa, because Bill's like the smelliest, ugliest person ever." I divulge, taking a deep breath. "Bill always ends up moving closer and closer to me, so that he's so close he's pushing me into the side of the sofa. He puts a blanket over us and undoes my jeans. He undoes his jeans too and touches my insides with his fingers and his other hand he makes—" I croak, my voice trailing off.

Part of me wants to stop telling them, thinking I've told them enough. The other part of me wants me to tell them to whole story. Timidly, I take another deep breath, deciding to finish what I started.

"Kelly lost it one day." I continue telling the horrible story. "She came home drunk. She thinks I'm trying to seduce him. She thinks—" My voice begins to wonder again. I pause for a second before I proceed. "Kelly, she got really mad and throw me at the wall and," I move my hair way from neck so they can see the bruises Kelly gave me. "She grabbed my neck until I turned blue. Then, the next day, there was money on the counter. I didn't mean to take the money. I just wanted to ride the ferryboat. Kelly was cooking dinner on the stove. She saw me take the money. She took the frying pan off the stove and wacked my stomach with it."

My body feels incredibility light as if a weight has been lifted off me. Inside, I'm filled with a mix of emotions. The whole time, while telling Derek and Addison the truth, it felt as if I was reliving the abuse, everything all over again. Awful images from the truth appeared in my head. The terror and panic I had while telling the story are still there, but, they're evened by feelings of relief and proudness. I also feel ashamed. I feel horrible for letting Bill and Kelly abuse me. For not doing anything to try and stop it from happening. Despite Addison assuring me she and Derek will want me, I still feel as if they won't, as if they don't. I know for certain, that I'm uncomfortable looking at Derek. So my eyes meet Addison's. Silent tears are flowing down her cheeks. I place a hand on her arm, not sure what else to do. Inside I'm dying for her to hug me, to hold me while I cry, while I let all the anger out. I want Derek to promise to not send me back to New York. Except, I know that's something he won't do.

"Do I have to go back to New York now? Mark said the only way I wouldn't go back to New York is if I told you." I say, breaking the quiet.

"You told Mark?" Derek questions me. He seems a bit surprised. Maybe due to the fact Mark keep a secret from him, an important one that should have been told. However, that can't be the reason. Mark and Derek aren't friends anymore. Something Derek has said to Mark numerous times. It also couldn't be because Mark and I are best friends, well used to be best friends, because Derek knew that too. I admit, I'm kind of hoping it is because he's mad Mark kept a secret from him. That way, there's a little bit of hope he and Mark will become friends again. But, if that isn't the reason, I'm totally stumped.

"He kind of made me," I reveal, feeling bad since it sounds as if I'm blaming Mark. "He talked me into telling you too." I divulge. Even though this whole telling Derek thing and breaking the whole this visit is for medical purposes only thing was kind of Mark's fault, he did it for me. But he pushed me into it disclosing the abuse—something I'm very cross at him for doing. "I didn't want to and Mark lied and said I was going to get a CAT scan." I continue. "He ended up taking me to your office. I didn't want to tell you because now you probably don't want me. I've done so many terrible things. You'll never want me now." My cheeks turn red becoming stained with watery tears.

Addison pulls me close to her. "It wasn't you're fault." She says trying to make me feel better. "We're so sorry Mini D." She adds in an apology.

I push away from her vengefully. She just doesn't get it. Maybe, if I told her Bill and Kelly Sanders weren't the only people to abuse me, then she might. But she doesn't. I certainly don't want to go into several more physical and sexual abuse disclosers. I certainly to want to make her not want me even more then she already does, despite her saying she doesn't.

"It was my fault Addison!" I insist. "I let him because I was so mad. I was so angry. I let him because nobody wanted me because I'm so worthless!"

"You're not worthless," Addison informs me. "Nobody is worthless. Just because somebody tells you you're worthless, doesn't mean you actually are."

"Addison and I want you," Derek chimes in, probably trying prove I'm not worthless, which is basically impossible. "And there's Mark." He adds in an objectionable way.

"You want to be a surgeon," Addison points out, going along with Derek. "And you have you're fathers looks," She smiles, her green eyes lock with her husbands blue ones. "That's always a plus."

"I got so mad I ruined my hair," I snivel. "I want my old hair."

"I think we can fix that," Addison vows, giving me her word.

I wipe my tears and look at Derek. "I'm still really mad."

"I know," Derek nods, his voice in an indulgent tone. "I'm really mad at myself too. I'm so sorry. I can't make any promises, but I'm going to try my hardest for you not to go back to New York." Derek's persuasiveness almost makes me want to believe him. "I also can't promise everything's going to be okay. But the three of us, we'll figure this out together."

Derek holds each of his hands out to us. I watch Addison place hers in Derek's left one while I skeptically place mine in the other. "I'm sure Mark will add himself into figuring this out with us, considering he is our best friend." Derek chortles.

"And tomorrow," Addison tells me. "You're going to find Mark and give him a heartfelt apology. The things you said to him today were totally out of line."

I nod as Derek pulls the two of us in for a family hug. Safety, acceptance, warmth and happiness tingle trough me. This hug, is a type of hug I've never had before. For once, I'm not feeling doubtful. For once, I know this type of hug, I'll have a least a thousands times more.

* * *

Addison and I are curled up in bed watching Scrubs. Well, I'm pretending to be watching Scrubs. The conversation Derek, Janet, and Dr. Robbins are sharing out in the hallway is more interesting then the television show. Janet is moving her hands frantically, being upset about something. I swear I can hear her high-pitched voice through the plexiglass windows. Derek's facial expression is of pure anger. I assume he's frustrated at Janet. Dr. Robbins has her usual overly happy smile on her face. I'm guessing she's the referee, trying to control Derek and Janet so they don't take each other's head off. After awhile, the Scrubs episode ends and Derek and Janet's argument seems to cool down likewise as Dr. Robbins followed by Derek and Janet let themselves into my hospital room.

"The results from you're vitals taken this morning came back clean," Dr. Robbins informs me. "The drainage procedure I performed worked wonders; meaning your infections gone. The burn you have on your stomach still needs time to heal so you'll have to come in once a week to get the bandage redressed. Putting that aside, everything seems good for you to go." Dr. Robbins peachy, optimistic personality seems to fill up the hospital room.

Excitement rushes though me, hoping Dr. Robbins means to go to Derek and Addison's trailer. Not to go to New York. Assuming that's probably what the three of them were arguing about in the hallway. I look at Derek puzzled, hoping he'll tell me the answer.

"Our trailer," Derek mentions, calmly. "You know, the place you call the middle of nowhere land?"

"I get to go home?" I question Addison this time; somehow this all seems too good to be true. Words can't describe how happy I'm feeling at the moment. I just know it's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

"Yes," Addison smiles. "You do."

"So I get to go home with you guys?" I say again, this whole things taking a while for me to process.

Derek nods as I look from him to Addison not sure who to hug first. I settle on Addison because she's closer to me then Derek is.

"Does this mean we're going on the ferry boat?" I prattle. I know I sound like I child right now but I just don't care. This whole thing is too overwhelming.

""I give you four some time to talk, settle on arrangements. I'll come back in a little bit with the discharge papers." Dr. Robbins notifies us, as she leaves the room.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I say.

"There are some conditions," Janet squeaky voice ruins the excitement. "The custody papers have not gone through yet. So until they do, you're still a child of the state. In order for Derek and Addison to regain full custody of you, you're going to have to have therapy sessions, for an hour twice a week." Janet explains, her eyes serious. "I've contacted your school in New York. You're marks aren't the best," She says disappointingly. Her face, turn into a frown. "But there enough for you to grade. We're giving this a trail for the summer. I'm going to fly up here every other week to see if there's progress. If everything works out, you will start 8th grade here in the fall." Janet takes out a pen and piece of paper from her red _Guess_ bag. On the piece of paper, she scribbles a number on it, handing it to Derek. "I'm giving you my cell number. I'll more likely answer it more often then my office number. If anything happens or if either of you need anything, give me a call."

Janet walks towards my hospital room door, opening it. Before leaving, she hesitates, turning back to me.

"Don't screw this up," Janet asserts me in a demanding way.

"I won't," I promise, watching her walk down the never-ending corridor until she disappears out of sight.

Janet's going back to New York and I'm not going back with her. I'm going to the middle of nowhere land. I'm going to Addison and Derek's trailer. I'm going home.

* * *

The familiar sound of rain plopping on the trailer awakes me. I look around thesmall space for Derek and Addison. They're nowhere to be seen. I hear the faint sound of music muffled from all the rain, coming from outside. I slowly climb out of my bed making my way over to the door. I stumble sleepily out onto the hardwood deck. Derek and Addison's bodies are pressed against each other, sitting side by side, watching the rain. The door bangs shut, startling Addison as she turns her body around to face me.

"Hey," She smiles, acknowledging my presence.

I walk over where my father and stepmother are sitting. I plop down beside Derek. I sit there, listen and watch with them. Heaven's tear tops cried as they fall from the grey sky heavily onto the ground. The radio changes songs to Running on Sunshine by Jesus Jackson. It's a song Addison and I danced to the night we hung out in her office. Addison suddenly jumps up, pulling me up with her. Somehow, I know exactly what she's thinking. She begins swaying her body and mine falls into place. The rain kisses our skin as we dance around each other.

"Come on Derek!" Addison coaxes, gesturing for him to come join us.

"No way." Derek says laughing. "You know I don't dance in public Addison!"

"We're on the middle on nowhere land." I chime in.

"Please Derek?" Addison begs. "We're family, not public." She walks over to him a pulls him up dragging over to me.

Derek reaches his hand out for me, as I take it. With one hand, he spins me around, while with the other, he spins Addison around. With each cool raindrop that falls on me, I feel even more refreshed an exhilarated then the last one. It's a feeling I just can't describe. All I do know is this isn't a dream. Right now, this isn't my imagination. This is real. This is a moment. It's a moment, which takes my breath away. It's a moment, which will become a memory, a good memory. Maybe, just maybe, my afterlife will be in elsewhere. Maybe I will have enough good moments to out weight the bad. I don't matter where I end up when I die; I know I'm going to be okay. Right now, I just want to stay in this moment forever. It's a moment, which feels like heaven. I know, this will be a memory I'll keep forever and right now, that's good enough for me.


	15. Chapter 15

I'm sorry this chapter took me so long to update. I had this same chapter written but I didn't like it very much so I decided to write this whole chapter again and here it is...enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

**The human life is made up of choices. Yes or no. In or out.**

**Up or down. And then there are the choices that matter. Love or hate.**

**To be a hero or to be a coward. To fight or to give in. To live. Or die. Live or die.**

**That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.**

**- Derek Shepherd, Grey's Anatomy**

_My tiny 6 and a half-year-old body jitters as my blue eyes jerk open. My breathing becomes heavier and sweat drizzles down my skin. A warm breeze flows though the open window and I shiver in terror while diving under the blankets, which surround me. The large grey shadows that align the walls form pictures of the nightmare I had just awakened from. My first thought is to jump out of bed, run quickly into the living room and then jump into the sofa bed with Aunt Amelia. It's what I normally do. The last few nights, though, have been different. Aunt Amelia and Vanessa have had grownup parties. And whenever I went to go sleep with Aunt Amelia, there was always a man in the sofa bed with her. I didn't like the man who was always in the sofa bed because he didn't let me sleep with Aunt Amelia. He always made me cry because he said Aunt Amelia loved him and not me. Last night, when I went to wake Aunt Amelia up, she wasn't there. The man was. He told me Aunt Amelia didn't love me anymore. I ran back into my room and cried and cried and cried until Aunt Amelia came home. Aunt Amelia came into my room. She wanted me to tell her what was wrong. I told her I hated her. Most grownups would get mad at me when I told them I hated them. Aunt Amelia didn't get mad at me. She climbed into my bed and held me while I cried. She stroked my hair and told me stories of my super hero daddy and all the lives he would save at the hospital. She slept in my bed the whole night and in the morning, when I woke up she was still there. I wanted her to sleep in my bed again. I didn't want to go into the living room and wake up the mean man. So I decided to call her name. "Aunt Amelia!" I yelled for her. "Aunt Amelia!" I waited a few minutes for her to respond and while I wait, I hear a women from outside moan. I scream in fear, jump from my bed and dash into the living room. "Aunt Amelia!" I screech as I look beside her for the mean man. Not seeing him, I climb up on top of her, shaking Aunt Amelia to wake her up. "Aunt Amelia," I yell again, this time right in her ear. Aunt Amelia still doesn't move. I begin pinching her, over and over again. Aunt Amelia's normally warm, soft skin is stiff and cold. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" I shout at her. "I had a nightmare," I tell the still sleeping body. I think its weird Aunt Amelia hasn't woken up yet. Usually, she wakes up by now. Aunt Amelia always wakes up when I have nightmares. I figure she is mad at me for what I said to her last night. I hurry into Vanessa's bedroom, hoping Vanessa will wake her up for me. Vanessa's bedroom is empty. I go quickly back out into the living room and run towards the apartment door. I had to go find someone to wake up Aunt Amelia. I open the apartment door and run out into the hallway. I begin pounding my fists against the nearest door. "Aunt Amelia won't wake up!" I yell at the door. Nobody seems to be coming. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world. "Please help me. I don't hate Aunt Amelia. I don't. I don't. I don't." Suddenly, the door opens and a large lady appears in the doorway. More tears fall from my eyes as I pull the lady into Vanessa's apartment. "She said she would love me forever and ever," I sob. "But I told her I hated her and now she doesn't love me anymore and won't wake up." I climb back onto the sofa bed and stretch my body on top of hers and warp my arms around her as a lady picks up the phone. _

_I lie on top of Aunt Amelia for what seem like forever. My tears drenching the over sized tee-shirt she's wearing. I keep my head on her heart, but I can't hear it that good. Her heartbeat is hardly there. My eyes watch her stomach as it unevenly moves up and down. I remember lying on top of Frank when I was little. Frank was like this before he died. I didn't want Frank to take Aunt Amelia. I didn't want her to go where Frank was. I remember when I was got shot I was scared. I knew Aunt Amelia didn't get shot. But she's not moving like was. I figured she was scared and she probably wanted a hug and kiss from her mom like I did. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. Whenever I had a nightmare, Aunt Amelia would always hug and kiss me lots. She would tell me how much she loved me, and hold me until I stopped crying. Maybe, I thought, Aunt Amelia was in a nightmare and needed me to talk nicely to her. "I don't want you to go where Frank and Adam are." I cry as the sounds of sirens come closer. "I love you Aunt Amelia. I love you. I love you. I love you. Forever and ever. You promised. You don't have to be scared." I push her hair out from her face. "I'm here. You're going to be okay." I whisper and my eyes dart to the end table where Aunt Amelia's things are. I jump off Aunt Amelia and hurry over to it, and open the drawer. My hands search around the drawer. Not looking for the camera this time but her watch. The watch was gold with black leather straps. Aunt Amelia said her dad gave her mom that watch as a symbol of how much she loved him. Aunt Amelia loved me, so it must be my turn to have the watch. I find the watch and put it into my pants pockets. The apartment door bangs open and I feel strong arms wrap around me. "No!" I shriek. "No! No! No! Frank stop!" I don't know who's holding me. But I think Frank's here. I think he's come to get Aunt Amelia. I take on last look at Aunt Amelia, her same brown hair as me. The same brown eyes. She is placed onto a gurney while I get carried out the apartment kicking, screaming and crying my arms reaching for Aunt Amelia. I don't want to go back to the group home. I want to be with Aunt Amelia. I cry out for my daddy because, there's no more forever and ever. He's the only person who can save Aunt Amelia now. _

As humans, we make choices everyday. And sometimes, we hardly even realize we're making them. Those are the easy choices, what to eat for breakfast, what to wear for the day, which way to drive to work. Normally, you decide these choices in a blink of an eye. There always that odd day however, where these choices seem impossible to make the seconds it may take you to normally decide on the easy choices may turn into minutes, those turning into hours. The choices you make define you. I heard somewhere once that every choice you make defines your destiny. I guess that's partly true. If you didn't make your own choices, I'm guessing you'll probably hate your future. I know I would. Personally, I hate having other people make choices for me, thinking they're deciding what's best for me. In reality, only we know what's best for ourselves. As children, your parents make the important choices for you. They believe they know what's best for you. I hate that. I think all children should have a say when it comes to the important choices in their lives. It shouldn't be just up to the parents. I'm a child who belongs to the state of New York and as a child belonging to the state, the government and social services makes my important choices. I always used to wonder how the social workers got assigned to my case. Whenever I got a new social worker, I always pictured a bunch of social workers and government people sitting around a big wooden table arguing about which kid they wanted. I also wondered after the social worker got assigned to my case how they would decide which foster home or group home to put me into. I never got a say on where I went. Usually, I would just get dropped off at where ever the place would be with a large black garbage bag filled with my clothes getting thrown out of the car, after me. It always made me mad to think these people thought they were making the right choices for you, but hardly knew you at all. Take Derek and Addison for example. Derek may just happen to be my father and Addison may just happen to be my stepmother and I may have just been living with them for only two weeks, and already they're making choices, thinking they know what's best for me when really, they don't even know me. The choices they're making effect me. I know I made the choice to come here to begin with. I made the choice to find my father. But it still doesn't give them the right to go above and beyond making choices, which involve me. My choices should be my choices. Sometimes though, people do get carried away and make choices for someone else. When Aunt Amelia wouldn't wake up, I choose to go get her help while she had to choose weither to live or die. I don't know what choice Aunt Amelia made. I haven't seen her since that day. So in fact, I'll probably never get to know. Now knowing if someone is dead or alive is the worst possible feeling in the world. Each day, I have to live with it. All I know is that, if I even see Aunt Amelia again, if she is alive, I will never ever forgive her.

Derek and Addison are fighting. Really fighting. As in so loud, I can hear them over the music blasting in my ears and even though my iPod is turned up to the highest volume possible, their yells still out sound my music. Addison is beyond pissed at Derek and Derek is beyond pissed at Addison. All I want to do, is throw my iPod at one of them, making them shut up. Addison is furious at Derek because he decided we're taking a last minute trip to their beach house in the Hamptons for the annual Shepherd family reunion. For the last couple of years, apparently, Nancy, Derek's sister hosted the family reunion at her beach house. However, this year, Nancy convinced Derek use his beach house for the family reunion because it was larger. When Derek agreed to this, he had done it without even letting Addison in on the situation and originally, due to their marriage issues, the two of them weren't going to go this year. But anyway, Addison got a call from Nancy a few nights ago, asking for the keys to the hers and Derek's beach house. Addison was livid. She was angry over the fact Derek knew about this whole thing for a year and never bothered to tell her, and over the fact that she was now forced to attend a family reunion she never wanted to attend in the first place because Addison is convinced Derek's mother hates her. Basically, there was no way Addison was going to let Derek's family use their beach house without them being there. Derek, liked the idea of going more then Addison and thought this whole thing would actually be fun. So now, here the three of us are, packed in a rental car, on our way from the airport to the Hamptons to spend a week of vacation at the beach. So far this trip, has been nothing but fun.

I didn't even get to make a choice in this whole last minute family vacation family reunion thing. They didn't even bother to ask what I wanted to do because I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be cramped in the back of a car back in New York. I hate New York. Each time I leave the stupid city, I always tell myself, I'm never going back there. But somehow, every time, I end up back in New York. I hate family reunions. I've never had any family. Aunt Amelia was my only family. Thinking about family reunions makes me think about Aunt Amelia. And most of the time, when I do think about Aunt Amelia, it's of her not waking up. I never think of the good memories because the image of the lying still in the sofa bed is always blocking them. I also hate the beach. When I lived with Ainslie, she always took all our beach emergency money and spent in on drugs. Therefore, I hate this trip because it makes me think of the things I hate. I hate New York. I hate Aunt Amelia. I hate drugs, I hate my mother, and I hate Mark for not coming with us. I hate my father for making me go on this trip. This weekend, Derek wants the three of us to get along. Or at least to pretend we're getting along. Basically, he wants us to lie to his family, acting as if we're all happy and stuff. Something, I'm not going to do. For one, I tell to many lies already and for two, in real life, Derek, Addison and I aren't an actual happy family. We are anything but a perfect family.

"We're here!" Derek announces, stopping the rental car in front of a large green beach style house with white trim. The house isn't as big as a mansion, but to me it is. It's the largest house I've seen in my life so in my books, it counts as a mansion. I couldn't understand for the life of me why Derek and Addison didn't use this house year round. Putting the whole Mark thing aside, I couldn't understand why Derek had decided to drop everything he had here and move into a small tiny trailer, in the middle of nowhere land. The only reason I could come up with, without asking him is that Derek must hate New York as much as I do to drop everything and move.

"Thank god," I say relieved.

From the very first moment we have gotten in the rental car, all I have wanted to do is get out of it. I reach for the door handle as Derek turns the car engine off. I push the car door open quickly, without any hesitation at all. A Strong, strange, unfamiliar smell fills my nose. In disgust, I pinch it, trying to block the smell out.

"Something smells bad," I advert Derek and Addison.

"It's the beach," Derek informs me, walking around to the trunk of the car, opening up the trunk and getting our bags out of the back.

"It's the seaweed," Addison clarifies as she gets out of the car.

My feet sink into the rich green grass as I follow Addison and Derek towards the house. Vibrant colors begin to form around me as my feet move from the grass onto the light brown side walk, to black and grey stone walkway and finally up the white painted wooden steps and into the porch. It's like a stepped out of the real world and into a painting. The painting seems to come even more alive as Derek lets Addison and I inside the enormous beach house. I watch Derek and Addison slip their shoes off and I do the same. The hardwood floors feel cool against my bear feet. Derek stands in the doorway, unsure what to do next. I think him not knowing what to do is stupid, considering it is his house. Addison and I stand at Derek's sides waiting for him to move first. He's staring ahead, his eyes attached to his family members sitting on the veranda at the back of the house. Derek finally heads us up the L shaped, carpet staircase to our right, down the hall of the upstairs and into his and Addison's master suite bedroom. Derek places our luggage down beside the large king sized bed and turns to face Addison and me.

"Do you want to unpack now? Or get the Mini D introductions over with?" Derek questions us.

Addison reaches for her suitcase. "Mini D and I will unpack," she says. Probably wanting to do anything other then go play "happy families" with her husband. I wouldn't blame her. "While you go give your family the heads up about your child."

Derek nods, and once he's left, I flop down on the overly large bed, thankful Derek and Addison's fight is over. The two of them fought over numerous things on the car ride here. It was anything from their patients in Seattle, to Mark, to Derek's family and eventually the last 20 minutes of the car ride, they fought over me. Long story short, Derek still hasn't told his family he has a kid yet. When he does tell them, I figure this can go over either two ways: good or bad.

"Derek sister Meaghan's family is taking up two of the other rooms, and Derek's other sister Amelia will possibly be staying in the other room. That's if she ever shows up. She isn't the family reunion type of person." Addison informs me picking up my duffle bag from the floor and placing it beside me on the bed.

The name Amelia gets my attention. I haven't heard somebody say that name since the whole Aunt Amelia thing. For a second, I believe there's a slight chance maybe this Amelia person could be _my Aunt Amelia_. I quickly shake the thought out of my head, not wanting to get up hopes up too high. Plus, I'm almost positive _my Aunt Amelia _is dead anyway.

"The three of us are going to have to share a room," Addison continues. "It's more than likely just going to be for the weekend. I'm pretty sure there's an air mattress in the attic somewhere. If not then you can share the bed with Derek and I."

Addison stands there, waiting for me to say something. I don't have anything to say. I haven't had anything really to say since we left Seattle. Addison knows I don't want to be here anymore then she does. I guess it's because I don't want to be here that I don't have a lot to say. Truthfully, I do have a lot of things I want to say at the moment, but I'm still extremely pissed at Derek and Addison for making me come here. So, the things I want to say to Addison are better left unsaid.

"Is that okay?" Addison asks me; concerned I won't like the idea or something.

"Addison," I inform her. "You and Derek live in a trailer. I sleep on a table. This bedroom alone is at least five times bigger then whole thing. Sharing a room and sleeping on an air mattress probably won't make a difference. You and Derek are still going to fight anyway, no matter where we are." I grouch.

My pissed of mood is starting to make Addison even more pissed off then she already is. She takes one look at me, grabs the luggage bags and walks out of sight.

I hear the pounding of running feet coming closer. The pounding is so loud it makes the knickknacks on the dresser shake.

"What the hell's that?" Addison wonders, walking out of her and Derek's walk in closet, folding a white tee-shirt.

The door to the bedroom flies open and a little girl about six or seven comes bolting in with her arms out in front of her, followed by an out of breath Derek. She collides into Addison nearly knocking her onto the bed as she clenches her tiny arms around Addison's waste.

"I won!" the girl shrieks in excitement, looking back around to my father. "You lost Uncle Derek."

"You got beat by a six year old? Really Derek," Addison interrogates him. A smile forms on her face as she tries to hold in her laughter as she hugs the little girl back.

"We ran from half way down the beach, give me a break, Addison." Derek's tired body collapses on the bed, beside mine.

"Aunt Addie!" the girl shrieks again, pushing her long brown hair out of her hazel eyes. "Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?" She begins to jump up and down excitedly as if she's got the best secret in the world to tell.

"What is it Chloe?" Addison asks.

"Uncle Derek says I've got a new cousin and it's not a baby. How cool is that?"

"I think it's pretty cool," Addison walks over to the dresser and places in the tee-shirt. "Julia's sitting beside Derek, if you want to go over and say hi." Addison suggests. "Maybe you can take her to meet all your other cousins too."

Chloe nods, thrilled with the idea. Me, however, I'm not so thrilled with it. She trots over to me, a huge smile on her face, a smile that's missing three teeth.

"I'm Chloe," she introduces herself to me and then holds her hand out. "Come play with me and my cousins."

I look at Derek and Addison incredulous about this whole thing. I kind of wanted to go with Chloe. I haven't played with kids in awhile and besides, anything was better then sitting around listening to Addison and Derek tear each other's heads off.

"Go on," Derek nudges me off the bed. "Go have fun."

I skeptically follow Chloe out of the bedroom. The way I see thing whole reunion thing, I could either had any minute of it or hate every minute of it while kind of having fun. I was actually hoping, that Chloe would have cousins my age. Then maybe, thing whole family reunion wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

I'm sitting on the sand bank holding Aunt Amelia's watch in my hands, rubbing the glass part with my thumb. I think that maybe, if I rub it enough, the watch will start working and maybe, just maybe if the watch starts working, Aunt Amelia will come back to life. My blue eyes stare heard of at the never-ending ocean. I watch the waves crash against the shore one after another. I liked playing with Chloe's cousins. They were all really nice. She had one girl cousin who was 14 and another girl cousin who was 12. She had a boy cousin who was thirteen like me. All her other cousins were younger then 12 or older then fourteen. The older cousins where at Chloe's families beach house. Half way through the tag game we where playing, Chloe's cousins decided they wanted to go to Chloe's beach house. I didn't want to go with them. I decided to stay here. Honestly, I didn't mind being alone. I was really enjoying sitting on the sand dune listening to the waves.

"I've been looking everywhere for you!" My thoughts are interrupted by a woman in her late sixties walking towards me. She had curly white hair with a few strains of brown throughout it. "I'm Carolyn Shepherd. Derek's mother." The women explains. "You must be Julia."

I nod, my eyes not looking away from the watch in my hands. I know I should pay more attention to the women I'm named after. The woman, who apparently is my grandmother, but I just can't. I'm too consumed in the whole Aunt Amelia thing to even care. All of a sudden, I fell the watch being yanked out of my hands.

"Where you going though my things?" Carolyn accuses me. "Where did you get this?" She flips the watch over, reading the CS engraved on the back of the watch.

"It's mine." I reach for it back, wondering why she's making such a big deal over my Aunt Amelia's watch.

There is no way I was going to tell her the Aunt Amelia story. I have never told anyone the Aunt Amelia story before. Carolyn turns her back on me and starts walking in the direction she came from, towards Derek and Addison's beach house. I hurry to catch up to her. To be honest, I don't know why I am in trouble. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't take the watch from Carolyn. I took it from Aunt Amelia. Carolyn leads me through the crowd of family members sitting on the veranda, the kitchen and then into the hallway where she runs into with Derek and Addison. She holds up the watch in front of her son's face for him to see.

"You daughter was going through my things Derek," she tells him.

Derek takes the watch from his mother and flips it around in his hands. He looks at me and then back to Carolyn.

"Mini D wouldn't do such a thing," Addison ensures Carolyn. "She a good kid, whose been though a lot. Give her a break."

"She has my dead husbands watch. Do I need to remind you, Addison, about how much money I had to save up to by this watch?" Carolyn says, her temper rising.

"Ma, there must be a reason for this," Derek points out, trying to defend me. "Your things are at Nancy's. Mini D doesn't know where that is. How could she have taken the watch from your things?"

The three of them look at me. I'm waiting for Carolyn to explode. I'm waiting for her to hit me. I would have been beaten to the ground by now if I were still at Bill and Kelly's. Carolyn doesn't understand. They all don't understand.

"I'm sorry, I didn't take your watch Mrs. Shepherd," I apologize to her, trying to sound convincing. Hoping she'll believe me because for once, I am telling the truth. "I had the watch for a really long time. Somebody gave it to me. I didn't take it I swear." I promise her.

Carolyn is still confused as the beach house door opens and there, standing in the door is woman. It's the woman who has the same blue eyes as me. She has the same dark brown hair and pale skin. It's the woman who comforted my while I cried. She tickled me until I laughed and told me stories until I fell asleep. She has the same last name as me. She was the first person to say I love to me. She was the person I thought was dead all along. This woman is Amelia Shepherd.


	16. Chapter 16

I loved writing this chapter. Hopefully this explains some things I've left out in the other chapters. I also, used the watch story in this chapter, so that obviously isn't mine.

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

**Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.**

**- Alex Karev**

**Julia's Flashback –**

"_Aunt Amelia, Aunt Amelia, AUNT AMELIA!" I scream bloody murder as I'm being carried down the stairs of Vanessa's apartment building. Tears drench my cheeks as I struggle to break free from the man whose holding me. I don't want to go where he wants me to go. I want to go with Aunt Amelia. I want to be with Aunt Amelia. I'm her family. She needs me right now. I need her right now. "I want my Aunt Amelia!" I shriek the words over and over again, until my pale face becomes a bright red color. Until, my uneven breaths become so fast, I can't scream anymore but somehow continue to do so anyway. I pound my fists against the man as he carries me outside. Police cars surround Vanessa's apartment building. The blue and red lights, are so bright, I have to squint my eyes to be able to see. There are lots of other policemen, like the night I got shot. I remember, the policemen, they took me to the hospital. Remembering the hospital makes me remember Dr. Montgomery, which makes me even sadder. More tears fall from my eyes and my screams become even louder. For once in my life, I don't want the policemen to take me to the hospital. I don't want to see Dr. Montgomery. I want to be with Aunt Amelia because Aunt Amelia loved me more then Dr. Montgomery ever did. Dr. Montgomery never even cared about me. She walked away and now, the policemen where taking Aunt Amelia away too. I knew Aunt Amelia wasn't going to the hospital. "I don't want to go to the hospital!" I yell. "I don't want to see Dr. Montgomery. I want Aunt Amelia." Once, a kid in my class at school told me that when people don't wake up, it means they are dead. My Aunt Amelia wasn't waking up. My Aunt Amelia is dead. So, because she is dead, the policemen are taking her to the place where dead people go. I don't know what that place is, but dead people can't get fixed. They stay dead forever and ever, like Frank and Adam. Dead is the only thing that is forever and ever. Aunt Amelia said she loved me and that we would be family forever and ever. That isn't true because, love doesn't last forever and ever. Dead people can't love you and when people die, they stop being your family. I am only 6 in and half years old. Lots of kids believe in forever and ever. I don't believe in forever and ever anymore because I know for a fact it's not true. I know for a fact, there will never be forever and ever. _

* * *

**Amelia's POV—**

As a surgical resident, I see all sorts of trauma multiple times a day. Most of the trauma incidents that come into the ER, can easily be prevented. They are caused by people doing stupid things. These stupid things are commonly known as mistakes. Mistakes. Everyone makes them, nobody's perfect. I believe every single word this quote says. The mistakes you make are what messes your life up. Then eventually, I believe, you learn from your mistakes, therefore, causing you to step up. Despite seeing trauma everyday, I've also been through it. Everyone's had a least one traumatizing experience in his or her lives; some people more then others. When I was only five years old, I watched my father get shot. My older brother, Derek and I were in the back of our father's store. My father had just given me two pennies. I was hiding them in the floor cracks, saving them to by a town. Two men came into the shop. They have already taken the money and now they wanted my father's watch. My father refused to give it to them. My mother had given my father that watch as a symbol of their love. It had taken her three years to buy the watch. I watched as the man shot my father and just like that, he was dead. There are no words to describe how it feels, watching the person you love most in the world lose their life, right in front of your eyes and as a kid, it's a thousand times worst. After I watched my father get shot, I never felt the same again. When my father died, a little piece of me left with him. Trauma changes you in so many ways it's impossible to count. The experience sticks with you and all the time, you feel like something is sucking your guts out. Eventually, you don't want to remember what happened anymore. All you want to do is forget. That's all I wanted to do. When I got older, I turned to drugs. One pill at first then another, and another, until all the pain was forgotten. When I was high, I could breathe again. The world seemed so beautiful and bright. There was this rush I would feel, this thrill. Everything was better high. My addiction got to a point where I couldn't go a day without taking pills. I needed that high. Without it, it felt like I was dead and I was dead. I was dead for three minutes. While on drugs, I drove Derek's car into a pole and I died. My bother found me in time thankfully. He saved my life that day. At the time, I wasn't grateful for it but now, I owe him everything. I got clean, and went to medical school. One summer, when school ended, I wasn't ready to go home yet. So I spent it at my best friends Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa and I used to get high together. We did so many types of drugs, it was impossible to remember what we had taken. Vanessa wouldn't let me stay at her place unless I wasn't using. I wasn't. But what I didn't know was that she was. Her kids spent most of the time at their fathers, and at some point, she had slipped. She needed money for her addiction and told me that's why she was fostering a child. I spent my summer babysitting that child while Vanessa went out and got high. At first, I did it because I needed a place to stay and as the summer went on, the child slowly began to bring me back to life. One night, I ended up slipping. My drug addiction came back. Somehow though, the child saved me. The child being even more broken then I, seeing things and knowing things no six year old should never know made me realize how pathetic my own drug addiction actually was. She made me realize that if she could live day to day with a smile on her face, without needing drugs then I could. Each day, I woke up swearing I would stop. Each day however, the drugs won. Then, things hit rock bottom. I overdosed. The police explained somebody found me in my sleep and if they didn't have found me when they did, then I wouldn't be alive. They wouldn't tell me who that somebody was. I believe to this day, for it to be the child. I have never seen her since that day. I have tried looking, but it was like she dropped off the face of the planet. So, call me crazy, but I believe the little girl was my guardian angel. She was my guardian angel whom was sent down from heaven by my father to watch over me. She had to be. She had no home, no family; she had the same pale skin as me, the same dark curly brown hair as my father, the same blue eyes as me, the same blue eyes as my father. For all I know, she could have been my father reborn again, or something. She taught me, that you don't need drugs to forget. You just need love. The love we shared in that short period of time was more then enough to help me become clean again. It's what keeps me going day to day, night to night. If I ever feel the need to do drugs again, I take out the picture I keep of us in my wallet and with one look at her smiling happy face, my craving vanishes. I used to get my high from drugs. Then, when I began my internship, I got my high from cutting people open. Now though, I don't need to get that high, that thrill from drugs or cutting people open. I get it from the picture. Whoever or whatever that six-year-old little girl was, I know I'm going to love her forever and ever. I know our love for each other is going to last forever and ever. I know, that there will always be forever and ever.

I could hear yelling as soon as I get out of the yellow and black taxicab. My mother's voice booms though the walls of the house out into the outside world. As I begin to walk up the black and grey stone walk way to my brother and sister in law's beach house, I wonder which one of my nieces of nephews have gotten in trouble this time. Without a doubt, I assume it's my nephew Zack, my sister Kathleen's middle child. I don't understand how, but he's always getting into shit. Pretty much, whatever he does gets him into trouble. It's like everyday, I'm constantly receiving e-mails, phone calls and text messages from my eldest sister, complaining about him and asking me what she should do with him. I honestly don't get why she complains to me. I don't have children of my own and she's the physiologist in the family. So, I find it strange she can't handle her own child.

I walk onto the wooden deck. It's coved with what seems to be fresh coat of white paint. I hesitantly reach for the doorknob with the hand that's not carrying my duffle bag and take a breath before heading inside. I haven't been to a family function in years. Taking drugs has ruined my relationship with most my siblings. My drug addiction usually always gets brought up. My siblings and my mother fight over it, picking sides and bringing back all the bad trauma. I wish they would all grow up and leave the past in the past. I'd probably wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for the fact I had just declared my specialty in neurosurgery. Something, I think is important which should be told to my family members face to face.

Turning the doorknob and letting myself inside the beach house, I decide to make the best of this weekend. The first thing I notice is my father's watch being held in the air by my mother. She is shouting words I've missed the beginning of to a young teenage girl who's facing her. My brother and Addison are standing on either side of the girl. I gulp with guilt slightly confused on how my mother had her watch. I felt guilty enough taking it from her years ago, yet I had wanted something to remember my father by. I ended up feeling even guiltier losing the watch during my stay at Vanessa's. I wasn't sure what exactly happened to it, after I got out of the hospital, I went back to go get my things and the watch wasn't there. Right now, despite feeling incredibly guilty, I'm also feeling incredibly curious, dying to know how my mother got a hold of the watch and why she was yelling at this teenager.

"I can hear your yelling from outside Mom," I meaningfully joke, stating the obvious letting myself in on the conversation.

I place my duffle bag down, and look up. My mother's eyes, which are filled with fury, meet mine as Derek, Addison and the teenager turn their heads towards me. My blue eyes lock with the girls identical ones and I'm surprised it's not Zack who's gotten in trouble. Black circles underline the girl's tired, lifeless eyes. I recognize these eyes filled of sorrow and resumption immediately and without a second guess, I know who this person is. She's Julia Shepherd, my guardian angel.

* * *

**Julia's POV**-

I stood motionless in disbelief and somehow, nausea forms within my numb stomach as my blue eyes lock with my Aunt Amelia's matching ones. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to run. I want to vomit. My frozen body won't let me do any of that. I just stand there, my feet glued to the hardwood floor my hands attached to my sides and my mouth half open. I know Aunt Amelia knows who I am too because she's still as ice as well. We stand there, wanting for the other person to say something, to say anything to break the horrible silence. As I stand there stagnantly, staring at her own stagnant body, I get re-traumatized all over again. One by one, drops of water begin to fall from my eyes. They get to two by two by the time I get up enough courage to turn around and face Carolyn again.

"I didn't take your watch," I croak, knowing I had to get out of here, feeling like I was going to breakdown any minute. "I didn't know it was yours. I wouldn't have taken it if I knew it was yours—"

I stop realizing what I just said didn't make any sense at all and bolt for the stairs, not looking back. My feet pound down the upstairs hallway, into Addison's and Derek's bedroom and I dash into their master bathroom, close the door locking it quickly behind me and plummet to the ground, sobbing.

I wish Derek never brought up the idea of coming here. I wish Nancy never called Addison in the first place. If Nancy never of called Addison then we wouldn't have been here right now. I wouldn't be sobbing in the bathroom over some women whose supposed to be dead. I would be at the trailer in the middle of the no where land Derek owns. If I was crying there, I would let Derek and Addison comfort me. I thought they knew how to make everything better. I knew wrong. All along, I was just using them, to forget about Aunt Amelia and now, that's she here, she all I want. I don't want Derek and Addison anymore. I don't want to live with Derek and Addison anymore. I just want Aunt Amelia. I want to apologize to Aunt Amelia for hating her. I want her to love me again. I want her to hold me again. I want her to make everything better again. But, she doesn't love me. Aunt Amelia never loved me and because she never loved me, I'm beginning to think everything's never going better again. Having everything never be better again, is the worst feeling the whole entire world.

* * *

**Amelia's POV—**

I watched completely and utterly shocked as the now thirteen year old girl dashes up the stairs and out of sight. I notice Derek and Addison share concerned looks as Addison hurries up the stairs after Julia. Trying to think of a reason for why Julia is here is confusing enough for me already by I get even more startled assuming Addison is going to comfort her—something I should obviously be doing. I'm still way too stunned at this whole situation to follow Addison. So far, what I have of this complicated puzzle is that Julia took my mother's watch. I don't for certain what she's like now but at six years old, I know she wouldn't have taken something without having some sort of meaning to why she took it. There was no way she could have taken the watch from my mother. I had taken the watch from my mother. So the only way this whole puzzle could actually fit together was if Julia had taken the watch from me. I am almost positive that's how the watch disappeared.

"Julia didn't take the watch," I begin to explain the solution to the puzzle I figured out. "She isn't like that. Trust me."

My mother chooses not to pay attention. Her cross eyes are focused on Derek.

"That girl is a complete stranger. She's a thief and a liar. Why has she come into your life now? After all these years. Is she even your daughter?" My mother demands Derek as my eyes grow stupendously wider then they already are.

A million thoughts seem to be rushing through my head at once, ready to be exploded into questions. Julia can't be Derek's daughter. My brother and Addison don't have children. I would have known if they did. I would have known she was Derek's. I should have known. I remember the first time I saw Julia, I was amazed by how much she looked like me. I was amazed how she had the same last name as me. I was amazed how her middle name was my mother's first name. How could I have not figured this out? Had she known I was her actual Aunt? Had she known Derek was her father at the time? She never named her father. I remember all she told was that her dad was a super hero who saved lives at the hospital. Then there was her love for ferryboats and Dr. Montgomery whom I assuming was Addison. I felt like kicking myself in the ass for the seeing this.

"She's my daughter, Ma" Derek convinces her. "I had a DNA test done to be sure."

My mother looks exhausted as she runs her hands though her curls. The hand holding my fathers watch, is now placed at the side of her hip. By now, my other sisters and their husbands have come out from the veranda in the back to see what the commotion is about. They whisper between themselves, dead scared to say any of their thoughts to Derek and our mother.

"How long have you known Derek? She's thirteen years old! You never bothered to tell me you could possibly have kid out there? Derek what the fuck where you thinking?"

My mother's voice bellows through the house. If I could hear it from outside, I'm assuming that Julia can hear it over her sobs, wherever she happens to be upstairs, more then likely in Derek and Addison's bedroom. I want to badly to go comfort her. To hold her like I used to when she got upset. I want to figure this whole thing out however, before I go up there.

My mother's harsh words sting to my skin probably just as much as they sting to Derek's. My mother never swears. It usually only happens if she's fuming, like she is now. The last time I heard my mother swear was when I crashed Derek's car. So, whatever rage she is in now, is pretty bad.

"That she's my daughter. That she needed me. She had no where else to go. If you had any idea what she's been though mom, you would understand. I'm hoping you would understand without Addison and I having to explain any of that." Derek divulges, trying his best to defend Julia.

I know my mom doesn't care about any of this. She's madder about the watch then anything else. None of this was Julia's fault. My mother should be mad at me for taking the watch in the first place. I'm beginning to think, it's time to own up. I owe it to Julia to do so.

"She's been though shit Derek, I know," I join in the argument, walking closer towards them so they actually notice me this time.

As I look towards my mother, getting up the nerve to tell her I was actually the one who took the watch, I notice Derek's aghast facial expression, himself probably thinking how I know.

"She did take the watch, Mom." I explain. "But she didn't take it from you. She took it from me. I took Dad's watch from you. I…I…I…" I stumble fighting with myself to get up the courage and tell them why.

The thing is, I don't have I good reason why. I just wanted something of my fathers. My mother wasn't at his store. My mother didn't see him get shot. My mother doesn't know what it's like to live with that feeling everything day and I can't tell my family that so, I just stand there, helplessly.

My mother walks towards me, raises her hand and it slaps again my cheek causing my skin to burn in pain. I hear a few gasps from my sisters, which makes the pain somehow even sharper. Normally, being a grown woman, I capable of taking a slap but this slap from my mother surprises me. My mother is a woman who doesn't believe in hitting. We never got spanked as children. So this slap is different. It's something I can't describe; it's more or less unbearable. All my siblings standing in the hallway are dead quiet. My mother is too. Silence bounces off the walls suffocating us. The faint sound of the sobbing coming from upstairs, beings to get louder. I take one last look at my mother; it's a look of disgust, shame, and resentment as I make my way up the stairs to comfort my niece, Derek at my heels.

* * *

**Julia's POV**

"Please Mini D," Addison begs me. "Come out. We'll talk. Please?"

I ignore Addison, my sobs becoming louder. With each one, I cry out of my Aunt Amelia. I don't want the Aunt Amelia that's here now. I want the one from when I was six. I hear the sound of footsteps coming closer. Derek says something to Addison, something I can't quite make out.

"Julia," Aunt Amelia knocks on the bathroom door. "Can I come in?"

I'm quiet for a minute, her voice doesn't only sooth me, but it makes me think. As much as I want for her to comfort me, I told myself, that I would always hate her for what she's done to me. To me, as horrible as this sounds, Aunt Amelia is still dead. She's been dead for the last seven years and now, all of sudden she's come back to life. Maybe the watch did work. Maybe the watch did actually bring Aunt Amelia back to life. Even though Aunt Amelia has somehow come back to life, it doesn't mean the things between us will go back to how they were. She hurt me the most a person could possibly hurt a human being. I'm going to let her know that. I also know, that our relationship will never be the same. I don't think we'll be able to go back to how we used to be. I don't ever think I can look at her the same. What she did to me was unforgiveable.

"I hate you!" I shout though my tears. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU!" I repeat, until I can't speak anymore and my voice gets replaced with more uncontrollable sobbing.

The thing is, I don't hate Aunt Amelia. It's true I can't forgive her. But I don't hate her. I just don't know how to say I need you. I don't know how to say I need you to anybody. When Aunt Amelia was alive, she knew that. She was always there anyway. But, she doesn't know what it's like watching someone you love die. That's the hardest part of all of this. I'm scared that if I love her again, she'll die.

"Julia—" She begins but I interrupt

"Go away. I never want to see you again. Leave me alone!"

I hear Aunt Amelia's voice again. It's distant and her words sound piled together. The sound of her feet, get quieter and quieter until I can't hear anything at all. There's another knock on the door, which interrupts the silence.

"Can I come in?" Derek asks me. "Addie and Amelia are gone. It's just me. I want to tell you something."

I sit there, in the bathroom for a few minutes staring ahead at the grey, boring, and plain wall in front of me, still crying. I debate weither I should let in my father or not. If I was at the trailer, then I would of. But I'm not at the trailer and he's not as good as comforting me as Addison is and she's not as good at comforting me as Aunt Amelia is. Eventually, after a few more minutes, I come to a conclusion that I didn't want to be in here alone anymore. I imagine myself locked in the tiny bathroom at the trailer and I decide to let Derek in.

Derek squeezes himself in threw the crack in the door which I had opened for him. As he sits down on the cool tiled floor beside me, I notice he's holding my black strapped, gold watch, wait, Aunt Amelia's watch, correction Aunt Amelia's father's watch which is now actually Carlyon's. We sit there in a peaceful silence, both staring at the watch my father is holding. He moves it around in his hands and finally begins to speak words, which don't want to come out of his mouth.

"I want to tell you about the watch," Derek informs me. His voice is dry and staggering.

I give him a _whatever I don't care _look because I already know the significance of this watch.

"Your mother gave it to you father on their anniversary as a sign of their love for each other." I boast, as if I told this story a thousand times, as if the story belongs to me, which it doesn't. "Aunt Amelia gave it to me because she loved me and it was my turn to have the watch because she died anyway." I add in my version of the story, sharing my significance of the watch to my father, yet knowing the watch meant much more then that too me.

"Did she give it too you or did you take it?" Derek asks, sternly, wanting to get to the bottom of this whole thing.

I look at him, everything inside me pilled with guilt; I turn my head quickly away. I want to bury my face in my legs, hide it so he can't see how horrible I feel but for some reason I don't. I realize, I can't go on living like this and I can't go on feeling like this so I tell him the truth.

"I took it," I reveal my eyes staring at the white and grey tiled floor. "It was in the drawer by the sofa bed and she died." I blink back tears, not wanting to look up, knowing that if I where to, they would start falling again.

"When I was a kid," Derek tells me. "Amelia and I were in the back of my father's store. Amelia was hiding pennies in the floor cracks. She said she was saving them to buy a town. Two men with guns came into the shop. They had taken the money and now, they wanted my father's watch. My father refused to get it to them, and Amelia and I watched him get shot."

Derek moves the watch around in his hands some more; his eye overflowed with sadness, meet mine. For a second, I think he's lying. There's no way he could be telling the truth, for two reasons. The first reason is, Aunt Amelia would have told me because she never lied to me. I don't understand why she wouldn't tell me one part of the watch story and not the other. The second reason is, there's no way something like this could happen to Derek and Aunt Amelia. They had a good family, a good life. Something, I've always wanted. Bad things don't happen to good people, so this; this couldn't of happened to them. But then again, maybe that's why Aunt Amelia does drugs because she wants to forget what happened. She wants to forget the trauma she saw. Just like her, I want to forget the trauma I've been though too. I know the things I've been though will be impossible to forget. Sometimes, I think of drugs. Sometimes I crave them because I know they'll help me forget just like they helped Aunt Amelia. I've never told anybody that before. But, since the truth's out, if there were drugs sitting beside me on this bathroom floor right now, I would take them without a doubt.

* * *

My shivering body awakes on the cold tiled bathroom floor from a nightmare. It was one of Aunt Amelia. She had died and came back to life as a zombie. She had chased me and cased me until I she caught me and pounded me to death as I begged and pleaded with her not to let me die. The wind from outside blows in the raindrops from the open window. The rain, reminds me of Seattle and of Addison and Derek's trailer, the place I now call home. I want so much to be there right now, so I would be able to crawl into bed with them. But I don't want them. I don't want to hear them fight. Right now, I am honestly sick of them. I wobbly stand up and reach for the doorknob, letting myself out of the bathroom and into Addison and Derek's bedroom. I can see from the shadows, which form the walls, their sleeping figures, circled up against each other. I tiptoe out of the bedroom and down the hallway, looking for Aunt Amelia's bedroom, remembering what Addison had told me, about Aunt Amelia sleeping at their beach house. I open each door as quietly as possible peeking into each room. The last door I open, I find Aunt Amelia's sleeping body lying on the bed. All at once my body begins shaking again, scared to death she's dead again. I run over to the bed climbing up on it. I begin to shake her sleeping body.

"Please wake up," I say to her, tears falling from my eyes as I get re-traumatized. "I'm sorry saying I hate you. You have to wake up. I don't hate you anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Aunt Amelia!" I scream for her as I feel the bed move and arms grab a hold of me. I think it's the policeman again, who's going to carry me away. "NO!" I shriek, louder and louder.

"I'm here," Aunt Amelia's voice, echoes though the room. "I'm awake. It's okay. I got you. It's okay." Aunt Amelia wraps her arms around me, as I try to squirm away. Somehow, I'm unable to believe this person is really my Aunt Amelia.

"I was never mad at you," she continues, stroking my hair with one hand, while still holding me with the other. "I could never be mad at you. I love you too much. Forever and ever right?" Aunt Amelia makes sure.

I nod, half surprised Aunt Amelia remembered. I collapse my tired body into hers, knowing for certain this person is my Aunt Amelia. I'm beginning to believe that maybe there is forever and ever.


	17. Chapter 17

I'm sorry I took so long to write this chapter, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write for it for the longest time. This is the third time, I've written this chapter and I am finally happy with how it came out.

I think this chapter shows how Amelia's "death" really screwed up Julia's life.

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Seventeen

**Just when we think we've figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball. So we have to improvise, we find happiness in unexpected places, we find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny ****that way, sometimes it just has a way of making sure we ****wind up exactly where we belong.**

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy **

_I'm sitting on a chair in the main office of Little Flower Residential Home, swinging my legs back and forth and humming. I'm in trouble. I know I am because I'm always in trouble. This is my seventh trip to the office this week. I figure because it's my seventh trip to the office; Ms. Livingston is going to yell at me. I'm probably going to get the belt too because I just seen a boy the same age as me come out of Ms. Livingston's office, crying. I'm not going to cry when I get the belt though. I don't cry anymore. I have no reason to cry anymore. Nothing is worth crying anymore. Last night, I had a really bad nightmare about Aunt Amelia. It was so scary that I wet the bed. I've been doing that a lot lately and everyone is mad at me. Before I came here, I got sent to an emergency foster home. The man and woman, who lived there, sent me away because I ruined all their sheets and mattress's from wetting the bed. Nobody wants a bed wetter and that means nobody wants me. I used to it though, nobody wanting me. My social worker is in the office with Ms. Livingston right now too. They are probably talking about what to do with me. But there is nothing really they can do. They are all mad at me because I won't tell them what I am dreaming about and that I won't tell them what happened at Vanessa's apartment. I am never going to tell anybody what happened. "Julia," Ms. Marie, my social worker comes out of Ms. Livingston's office. "We're ready to talk to you." I slowly slide out of my seat, not wanting to talk to them. I follow Ms. Marie into the office. Behind her desk, Ms. Livingston glares at me. "This is the seventh time this week, Julia," she raises her voice. "When are you going to learn that six year olds don't pee the bed?" I look down at my shows, feeling ashamed and deciding not to answer her. She stands up and walks over to the hook on the wall where she keeps the belt. Ms. Livingston takes it off the hook and gently hits it against the palm of her hand. "Since you are six," she walks over to me. "You will get six slashes. Then, maybe you'll learn not to wet the bed anymore." Ms. Marie walks me over and stands me facing the wall. She then takes my shirt off as Ms. Livingston stands a few feet away." Aunt Amelia, I wish you weren't dead," I cry for her silently inside my head. Slash number one makes my knees wobbly and my back ache. On slash number two, my back ache becomes a horrible pain. Aunt Amelia save me, I want to scream. On Slash number three, chunks of vomit come out of my mouth. I need you Aunt Amelia. Slash number four, I can feel blood drizzling down the back of my legs. Help me, Aunt Amelia. From slash number five, I almost collapse to the ground. Aunt Amelia, why did you leave me here? Slash number six, my legs buckle from under me as my body crumples onto the floor. Daddy, come save me. Take me away from this horrible place. I blink back the tears I'm trying so hard to keep in. I know my daddy's not coming. He doesn't want me either and that hurts even more then the slashes I just got. _

When you are born into this world, the universe already knows what it wants to do with you. It decides, even before you are born, who your parents are, who your family will be, and what's going to happen to you. The universe, it knows everything. It knows, what you are destined to be. But the thing is, that you don't know. They say, the life you are given is the life you are destined to have. Your parents. Your house. Your school. Your friends. It was all meant to be. This is because the universe decided on your life before you where born. With me, things were different. I believe the universe couldn't deicide on my life before I was born. When I was born, the universe didn't know what to do with me. This is because most babies are planned. When you are a planned baby, you life can easily be planned as well. I was a mistake. Since I was a mistake, the universe had a difficult time planning out my life. That's why I was tossed from place to place because the universe was never certain on where I belonged. And because the universe didn't know where I belonged, I didn't know either. People also say, home is where the heart is. The first place I had my heart set on was the hospital and Dr. Montgomery. It was where I thought I was meant to be. Somehow, I guess the universe didn't think it was and suddenly, the little bit of happiness I received from the hospital was gone, and my world was turned upside down again. The universe threw me around again, until I ended up at Vanessa's, until I met Aunt Amelia and thought, I finally had things figured out. Yet again, as soon as I finally found happiness, as soon as I had my heart set on a place, the universe had to step in screwing everything up and making everything in my life fall to crap again. You would think, from dealing with so much trauma as a child, that when the universe brings the next disaster along, I am wiser and better equipped to deal with it. But the thing is, I'm not. You see, the trauma that has happened to me has happened unexpectedly. Therefore, the universe has taught me to expect the unexpected. Even though, I constantly am expecting the unexpected, you can never be prepared for trauma. That's part of the reason why trauma is such a horrible thing to experience. The universe never tells you when everything's going to fall to crap. Every time, my life always falls to crap, I wonder why me. I wonder why it's my fault these horrible things are happening to me when I've done nothing wrong. I believe, that sometimes things have to become wrong to become right again because you'll never learn if they don't. You'll never learn to expect the unexpected or to find happiness where you least expect it. You'll never learn to look at the problem more closely, realizing the universe is right. That maybe after all this time, home is where the heart is. That maybe some of the people you meet along the way are destined to become your family. Just think about it, Dr. Montgomery became Addison who became my stepmother. My Aunt Amelia, who I wasn't related to at the time became my real Aunt. My superhero daddy who saved lives at the hospital became Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, my father. Now, I think the universe has finally planned out my life. My heart is with Derek, Addison, and Aunt Amelia. They're my family and wherever they are my home is. So maybe, just maybe if you think really hard about it, everything in my life was meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, I was never a mistake. The universe put me on this planet for some reason, I don't know what that is now, all I know is that I'm destined to be. We're all destined to be. I'm meant to be and sometimes that's all that matters.

I awake with tear stained cheeks, in a large bed, in a place I don't know. Yawing, I roll over hoping this nightmare I'm in, will disappear somehow if I go back to sleep. My body collides on top of someone and my eyes dart open again, wanting to know whom this person is. I jerk a bit too far backwards as I collapse off the bed and onto the floor with a thump, realizing this person is my Aunt Amelia. I quickly get up off the ground, my body stumbling against the wall in shock. My breathing becomes faster as I run full force out of the room, down the hall and into Derek and Addison's bedroom. I climb up onto the bed and crawl in between them. They're sleeping peacefully and I'm unsure if I should wake them. Knowing, that if I do, they'll start bickering again. Besides, the two of them look so calm, so content. Yet, I don't want to be alone. I still don't understand how my Aunt Amelia could be alive considering it's impossible for people to come back from the dead. I have a million questions which need answers, questions, that I'm too afraid to ask Aunt Amelia. So I look towards my sleeping father. He'll know the answers to my questions, since Aunt Amelia is somehow his sister. He knows everything, not because he's my dad, but because he's a surgeon. One of the best in the world to be more precise.

"Derek?" I whisper into the dark room, shaking his body to wake him up. "Derek?"

My father lets out a groan, changes his sleeping position, all the while, pretending he's still asleep. I'm not stupid, I know for a fact he isn't.

"I know your not sleeping," I tell him. "It's about Aunt Amelia. You know everything." I don't ask for much of him, so this time, it would be nice if he actually became aware of my presence. With my thumb and pointer finger, I pinch the skin on his arm tightly, hoping he'll finally give me some attention.

"What the hell was that for?" Derek sits up on the bed, his head now turned in my direction. "I was trying to sleep." He muffles, his eyes move away from me, looking over at the red numbering on the digital clock radio. It's sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. "It's six in the morning." My father let's me know. Its his way of indicating his annoyance. Derek's blue eyes move back in my direction, staring at me again.

It's easy to tell Derek's more then annoyed with me waking him up. I've never woken him up before, and I think that since I am his daughter, I should get more priority in waking him up then anybody else.

"Actually, it's three in the morning," Derek corrects himself. He must not be used to the three hour time difference. "If you throw the jet leg into the equation. Go to sleep. Go back to wherever you last came from," Derek instructs me, jadedly.

I'm right, he isn't used to it. I don't know if I'm jet legged or not. I'm just having one of those nights where I can't sleep. Not because of nightmares, but just in general. My head is too full to be able to sleep. So, I shake my head.

I don't want to go back to where I came from. That being the bed Aunt Amelia is sleeping in. The thought of her being alive is creeping me out. When I look at her or even think about it, my skin cringes. I feel as if there is a million bugs crawling up my body. I've been subconsciously trying to rub them off. I also have too many questions wanting to be answered and Derek is right beside me. So, if you think about it, there's no better time then the present to ask him.

"I can't. It's like a drank three energy drinks" I inform him, letting him know how wide awake I am.

Derek sighs deeply as he gets even more annoyed with me over waking him up early on the first day of vacation. I don't see what the big deal is though; he's a doctor, he wakes up early all the time. Not to mention, the various times Derek gets phoned in the middle of the night from somebody needing him at the hospital.

"What?"

"Can people come back from the dead?" I question, thinking about how Aunt Amelia might have done so, if she did happen to have come back from wherever she went to. I think she feel from the sky, like how the sky was falling in Chicken Little. I think, that's must be how she came back to life.

"When people die, they die." Derek grumbles. "If this is about Amy she never died to begin with." He tries to put the facts straight, probably telling me this to shut me up. But, I'm guessing my father's lying. He just wants to go back to sleep, so he'll say anything.

"I don't believe you," I acquaint with him. "She died. I swear."

There's silence as I wait for Derek to say something, probably not agreeing with me. But then again, what does he know? He hasn't been in touch with Aunt Amelia for years, apparently. Actually, if you think about it, Derek knows a lot about this stuff, due to the fact he's a surgeon. He see's people die every day and sometimes, these people who die, come back to life. So, he should know better. That's how I've gotten to the conclusion that his answer is wrong. The silence is broken by Derek's soft snores. I sigh a disappointing sigh. Knowing he's asleep, I look over at Addison's still body. I slide off the bed, walk over to the dresser drawers, throw on a pair of jean shorts, and a loose fit maroon tee-shirt, saying Seattle across the font. I quietly as possible, I walk over to Addison's side of the bed and grasp the handles of her Hernes Birkin handbag, hurry down the hallway, slip my flip flops on and out the door.

I wasn't sure were I was going, but I want answers. I had questions to get answered before asking Aunt Amelia them. I'm tired of hearing the same answers from her family members, and the answers I'm getting from them aren't good enough. I'm also not in the mood to hear Addison and Derek bark at each other all day, and I don't feel like running into any other of their family members, especially Carolyn. Just for today, I'm going to forget everything. I'm in New York City, with a designer handbag with probably a wallet inside of it, containing a credit card and god knows what else. All the drama I've been though yesterday has been way to much to handle and I Julia Carolyn Shepherd need a therapy session. I'm pretty sure it's clear to anybody, that shopping is the best therapy for anything. I have decided, I'm going on a shopping spree, a very, very, very expensive shopping spree.

* * *

I've been sitting on the steps to Vanessa's apartment building for what seems like hours, with shopping bags surrounding me, wondering what to do next. I spent at least a half hour banging on Vanessa's door, until some guy came out of the apartment next door saying the Beal's got convicted last mouth. Vanessa's last name is Beal. So, it sucks to be her. It kind of sucks to be me too, because I'm sitting in Harlem, New York City surround by a bunch of designer shopping bags. Before coming here, I treated myself to a rather large shopping spree, where I bought anything from pants to shoes, including a pair of Gucci heals, which now, I have no idea why I bought them, not having warn heals in my life. I'm watching the people walk past me on the street, as my stomach growls. It's past supper time, it's getting dark out. I know, I should be going back to the Hamptons, I should have gone back along time ago. But then again, it's not like Derek and Addison would be worried about me. Nobody worries about me. Maybe Mark would if he were here. I haven't thought about Mark in forever. I try and think of the last time I've talked to him. My mind goes back to Seattle Grace Hospital. That was the last time I've talked to him, when I was in the hospital. I realize I haven't apologized yet, for all the mean things I said to him that day. I need to apologize. Maybe if I do, he'll let me go back to Seattle. Maybe he'll let me stay with him for the remainder of our vacation. This way, I'll have a break from Derek and Addison's fighting and they'll have a break from me, and Mark, will get to spend time with his best friend. Therefore, it works out for all four of us. Asking him was worth a shot, anyways.

"Mini D, where the hell are you?" Mark shouts, greeting my call.

I wonder, how he knew it was me. I'm using Addison's cell phone. So, Addison's name would the showing up in the caller id on his phone, not mine. Also, I find it weird he's asking me where I am. Addison or Derek must have told him we were going to New York.

"I'm in New York," I remind him, trying to play it cool. Hoping, Derek and Addison haven't figured out I ran away yet and called Mark to see if I've showen up in Seattle. That would have been a good idea though, instead of me going on this shopping spree, I should have bought a plane ticked and flew back to Seattle.

I say New York, when Mark asks where I am because, it's not a lie. I'm in New York. I'm just not in the Hamptons where I should be.

"Where the fuck in New York? Derek and Addison are worried sick. Amelia is too. Everyone is." Mark's voice is furious. Derek and Addison must of called him. I kind of wish they didn't because they last thing I need is Mark to be mad at me on top of everything he's already mad at me more.

"Derek and Addison called you?" I decide to play dumb. I figure it's the best way around this whole thing.

"I'm in New York, Mini D." Mark surprises me. "When they told me you were missing, it scared me shitless. What the fuck where you thinking? Do you know how much trouble you're going to be in?"

"I'm sorry I said those words to you," I give Mark a better late then never apology.

"Drop the suck up act," Mark booms. "I've been driving around trying to find you for two fucking hours. Where the fuck are you?"

"I'm in Harlem." I say quietly. I should of just taken a cab home.

"Harlem? Mini D, I seriously want to rip your head off right now," Mark, continues to bellow. "Why the fuck are you in Harlem? Where are you in Harlem?"

"I used to live there," I tell him calmly. "I'm at Vanessa's apartment building. It's getting dark. Come get me." I order him, undeceive on weither I want to be picked up or not. It would be a two hour drive back to the Hamptons with Mark lecturing me about running away. I also figure he won't be too impressed with the shopping spree I went on earlier.

"Where's Vanessa's apartment building. I need a street address, I'm not a human GPS Mini D." Mark complains.

"Ask Aunt Amelia. She'll know." I say, hanging the phone and throwing it back in Addison's bag.

Thinking about Aunt Amelia gets me even more pissed off then I am about Mark coming to get me. In the back of my mind, I kind of secretly wish it was her to coming pick me up.

* * *

Mark's silver Jaguar screeches to a halt in front of Vanessa's apartment building. I sit on the steps unable to bring myself to move towards his car. Thankfully, I don't have to do so because Mark charges out of his car, slamming the door behind him and over to the steps I'm sitting on. He doesn't even look as me as he picks up the shopping bags around me, and throws them in the back of his car. He then grabs me by the hand, pulling me to the curb, opening the passenger seat door and pushes me inside. He gets into the drivers side of the car, and we begin the long drive back to Derek and Addison's beach house.

Neither of us talk the whole two hour-long car ride. Mark's too mad to talk to me and I'm too scared he'll actually rip my head off if I talk to him. He pulls up to the beach house and jerk's the car to a stop.

"Tomorrow, me, you and Addison are going to every single store you bought things from and we're returning all of it."

"Even my Gucci shoes?" I whine, which I probably shouldn't have done and I don't know why I did either. I don't wear heels, so I've just wasted over five hundred dollars. If Mark was this mad about the shopping spree, Addison was going to be incensed

Mark stomps out of the car, grabs the bags from the back, and then he walks around to the other side of the car to get me. He pulls me along with him, up the walkway, the wooden steps and into the beach house. Mark slams the door shut behind us. Voices and laughter come in the vacant house from the outside. Mark drags me through the hallway, into the kitchen and out onto the back Patio where Derek's family is gathered. He pulls me to a halt, stopping in front of the chairs Derek and Addison are sitting in. Mark lastly drops the pile of shopping bags in his arms by my feet. He then, unable to look at me, storms off into the house and by now, everyone in Derek's family is quiet. Even the cousins, who watch from the beach.

"What were you thinking? Harlem? Do you know how bad that place is?" Derek asks, furiously.

"You where worried about me?" I question him, surprised.

"We were beyond worried," Derek grumps.

"You stole my bag with everything in it, left without telling anyone, and you haven't been back all day. Worried? Mini D? Seriously? Your father and I are beyond worried." Addison chimes in, unpleasantly.

"It doesn't look like you were worried," I respond, probably going to get myself even more in trouble.

"You're thirteen years old, Julia." Addison continues angrily. "Thirteen is too young to be running around New York city by yourself. We've been worried sick. Especially when Mark called asking Amelia for Vanessa's address in Harlem. Whose Vanessa?" Addison demands, as I turn my face away, not wanting to answer her questions.

My eyes meet Aunt Amelia's whose standing behind me. I want to blame all this on her, because if she hadn't of died and came back to life, then I wouldn't of ended up in Harlem again. I would have been with her this whole entire time. Not here, standing in front of Derek's family resenting my shopping spree, resenting going to Harlem and, we cannot forget me being resentful for Aunt Amelia dying.

"I used to live in Harlem," I tell Addison softly. I hope that if I stay calm, Addison would as well. "It's where Vanessa, my old foster mother used to live. Besides," I say deciding to change the subject. "I don't see what the big deal is, I grew up in various places in New York City, so I think I know it better then you do."

"It doesn't matter about who knows New York better, Julia. I'm an adult, you're a child, who was wandering around the city by yourself, with my credit card. God knows what could have happened to you."

"What could have happen Addison," I ask her. "That's worst then what's already happened to me?"

I glare at her, my own eyes filled with hurt. Just wanting to be loved, to be noticed, to be cared for, to be held. Memories from my childhood over fill my brain. The memories I'm reliving make me wonder why I'm trying to live. Everyday, I'm fighting silently with myself to forget these memories. Everyday, somehow, the memories always win. Aunt Amelia steps closer, coming up to where Derek, Addison and I are standing.

"You're already on thin ice Julia, I think it's best you owe Addison an apology so you don't make things worst then they all ready are." Aunt Amelia suggests, trying to be the peace maker during this whole argument. Not knowing this, Aunt Amelia has done the opposite of peacemaking. Little does she know, that by letting herself into this, she's just made everything a thousand times worst.

"I owe Addison an apology?" I repeat her in a rude, unbelievable voice. "I'm not the one owing people apologies. If anything, you owe me an apology."

"Derek," One of his sister's joins in the conversation. "You need to give your daughter a serious reality check. Her sassy attitude, it's worst then Zack's."

"Kathleen," Derek mumbles as Aunt Amelia talks over him.

"Actually Derek, Julia's right. I do owe Julia an apology." As Aunt Amelia begins to speak, everyone becomes quiet again, shocked and wanting to know how I may be right and why Aunt Amelia owes me an apology. "I owe her everything. She's the reason I came clean again, she's the reason I passed med school, when I do surgery, I think about Julia. Everything I do in life is for her. It may not seem like it and you guys probably think it's a bunch of bull, but I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for her. My niece doesn't need a reality check, Kathleen. I don't just owe her an apology, I owe her a lifetimes worth of them. She saved my life. For that I owe her everything." Aunt Amelia looks at me, with tears forming in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm-" she begins but I cut her off.

"You wouldn't wake up!" I yell at her. "I needed you. I was scared and you wouldn't wake up. I thought it was because I told you I hated you. I thought you where mad at me." Tears begin to form in my own eyes. "Yelled for you. You never came. I went get you. You wouldn't move. I hit you over and over again." I blink as tears leak out of my eyes. "I went to get someone. I climbed on top of you and cried and screamed until the policemen came. I held on to you so tightly but one of them pulled me off and they took you away. I thought you where dead. You're supposed to be dead."

I stare at Aunt Amelia's black flip flops she wearing on her feet. Her toes a neatly painted sparkly gold color. They're too neat for Aunt Amelia to have painted them by herself. I figure, she must of gotten a pedicure, something I've never got done before, professionally anyways. Aunt Amelia used to paint my nails all the time when I was a kid. I used to lay out Aunt Amelia's nail polish on the sofa bed. It'd take me hours to choose the color I wanted her to paint my nails, but in the end, I would always choose the metallically purple color she had.

I can feel Derek's family staring at me now, their eyes watching me like a heard of animals waiting for their prey. They're waiting for me to move, waiting for me to breath so they can pounce on me with questions they're dying to have answered. They're probably wondering who I am. Where I came from. Derek's sisters and family are playing detective with themselves, unwilling to believe I'm Derek's flesh and blood. They're hoping there's a mistake, that I'm somehow despite Derek telling them over and over I'm his daughter, that I'm not who I say I am. Derek resents me too, just like his family does. You can't deny that he does, he said straight to my face he wishes I was never born. He's right, things would be easier that way.

"Julia," Aunt Amelia begins, but closes her mouth, having nothing to say to me. There's nothing she can say. Sure she can apologize, she can apologize all she wants but it won't bring back the seven years of thinking she was dead. I've been starting to think things would be easier if she had just stayed dead.

"It's too late for apologies Aunt Amelia," I blurt out, as never ending waterfalls of tears pour from my eyes. "I've spent the last seven years thinking you where dead. As each year pasted, part of me died. I honestly hate you for everything you did to me. Things would just be easier if you stayed dead. I wish you where dead!" I shout at her, hopefully this will show how hurt I actually am by Aunt Amelia never bothering to tell me she's actually been alive this whole time.

I pick up the Gucci shoebox, and a Chanel shopping bag sitting on the ground below my feet. I then make the dash upstairs, through Addison and Derek's bedroom and into their walk in closet. I wipe my tears away and take the five hundred dollar gold strappy rather high heels from the shoebox. I put them on carefully and then take the silver strapless short poufy dress from the Chanel bag. I put that on and wobble over to the mirror. I stand there until the shoes make my ankles twist, which makes my feet begin to hurt. The lace and sequins from the dress scratch against my skin, making it itch. I don't know who the person in the mirror is, but I do know it isn't me. I look around the closet, my eyes landing on a black tee-shit with a picture of the band, the Clash on the front of it. It's Derek's shirt. The Clash is my father's favourite band. During the two weeks I've been home from the hospital, their CD has constantly been playing in the CD player. I put the tee-shirt on over the dress. I feel better. Something's still missing though. My hands reach for one of Derek's black blazer's. It's a Ralf Lauren one. I put that one over top of the tee-shirt. I feel rich. I feel like a millionaire. But it's not what I want. I want a family. I want to be able to call Addison, Mom and Derek, Dad. I want Aunt Amelia. I want Mark. I want everything to go back to normal. I want to be happy. The memories are taking over. The memories are winning. They're not letting me be happy. They're not letting me have what I want. I think I'm going to let them win this time. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of trying. I even think, I'm tired of living.

* * *

I decide to go swimming. The Gucci shoes I'm wearing, the Chanel dress, the Clash tee-shirt, and the Ralf Lauren blazer. It's all coming in the water with me. That is, once I get up the courage to step into the ocean. The waves, which crash against my feet, are cold. I look out at the never-ending sea and I wonder how deep the dark blue water is, the stuff that's way, way out there. I figure it's above my head. It's more then likely above everybody's head. I take a step into the ocean. People have drowned out there. I wonder if it hurts to drown. I might know soon, because I don't know how to swim. But, I won't make it out there, I'm not going to let the water go over my head, so there's no way I'll drown. I take another step and another. The water tingles my legs, the bottom my dress begins to get wet. Addison will be livid about the dress, considering it did cost over 700 dollars. Derek would say there's a thousand bucks, gone down the drain. Mark is going to be pissed overall, angry I'm not going to learn my lesson and won't be able to take the dress back now that it's ruined. The heels on my Gucci shoes sink into the sand making it hard for me to walk, as I struggle to take another step. I'm now chest deep, with the waves hitting the tops of my shoulders. I take another step out. A wave comes over my head. I'm underwater. I struggle to try and swim back up. I don't know how. It takes forever. My head shoots up out of the water, I gasp for breaths of air. I realize I don't like the ocean. I don't want to be in the water anymore. I turn my body towards the beach. I want to go back. This isn't fun anymore. I can't. My heel's stuck. My left foot won't move. Panic. With my eyes glued to the beach, hoping somebody will walk by and notice me, I kick my left foot frantically, trying to get it free. I look back in the direction of my foot. I have to get it free. There are waves coming. Big ones. A lot of them. I want Aunt Amelia. I want my Dad. I want Addison. I want Mark. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

"Aunt Amelia! Aunt Amelia! Aunt Amelia!" I cry out for her, my eyes watching the large waves coming closer and closer. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" I scream, as loudly as I possibly can.

My eyes dart around for Derek and Addison's beach house. I figure, if I can see it, then they can hear me. I don't see it. I don't know where it is. I just want Aunt Amelia. I just want my Dad. Why wasn't anybody coming to save me? A wave comes over my head, a big one. I continue to tug on my shoe underwater. More waves crash above me. The insides of my body feel like they're about to cave in as I struggle to find a way up to the surface of the water. I can't make it. I can't breathe. My body hurts too much. I give up. I let my body sink down to the sand. My memories have officially won. I guess the universe really didn't know what to do with me. I'm not destined to be, because the universe didn't want me here to begin with.


	18. Chapter 18

Here's the next chapter. I at first, I didn't really like the flashback, but now, I think it ties in with the story. It's explained more towards the end, when Julia and Amelia have a heart to heart.

I'd love to hear your suggestions about where this story should go and I also am running out of idea's for flashbacks, so if you want to PM me or send me your suggestions as a review, that would be awesome.

Lastly, right now, I'm extremely busy packing, and having last minute visits with family and friends because I move back to college on Tuesday. So I'm really sorry, but updates might not happen too quickly.

Enjoy, Chapter 18!

* * *

Chapter Eighteen

**There are medical miracles. Being worshipers at the alter of silence we don't like to believe miracles exist, but they do. Things happen, we can't explain them, we can't control them, but they do happen. Miracles do happen in medicine. They happen everyday, just not ****always when we need them to happen.**

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

"_Look at me, Margaret!" I scream with delight, waving my arms in the air, trying to get my new foster mother's attention. She's too busy to notice I've climbed up to the top of the jungle gym by myself, something my new foster brother, Matthew and foster sister Abby taught me. Matthew and Abby are brother and sister in real life. Matthew is eight and Abby is five. I don't like either of them. Matthew thinks he's better then me because he's older. Abby says I'm a baby because I still wet the bed. But, I know I'm not a baby because I'm older then Abby. Abby is the baby. I didn't want to climb to the top of the jungle gym at first because I was scared. Matthew and Abby started laughing at me and told me I had to do it or they would get their mom to send me back to the group home. I didn't want to go back, so of course, I listened to them. I'm sitting on the very top bar, with my feet dangling from under me. Suddenly, I feel a hands grab around my feet and I'm being pulled down through the cracks of the jungle gym and onto the hard concrete. Everything hurts. I can't move, so I lay there on my back looking up at the sky. The sky is where heaven is, that's what Margaret told me when I asked her where dead people go. I hope Aunt Amelia is in the sky right now. I hope Aunt Amelia is in heaven. I see Matthew's sneakers. He's standing on one of the bars on the jungle gym laughing at me. I know it was him who pulled me down. Matthew always does mean things to me. I bet if it where him who got pulled down off of the jungle gym, he would be crying. I'm not crying. This isn't something to cry over. Matthew jumps down from the jungle gym and looks upon me, still laughing. I decide I'm going to get him back. I decide I'm going to show him how much it hurts to fall off the jungle gym. I'm going to teach him a lesson and I hope he cries when I do because then, I won't be the baby anymore. Matthew will. _

_With all my might, I stand up and brush the dirt off my shorts. "The baby's alive," Matthew says. "If you wet the bed again, I'm going to push you off the jungle gym everyday." I reach out to grab his shirt but he runs off, up to the top of the playground. My head feels dizzy but I run after him. I follow him up to the highest point in the playground and grab his shirt in my hand. "What are you doing?" Matthew asks, scared. "I'm going to show you how much it hurts." I tell him, nudging him closer to the side of the playground. "How much what hurts?" He asks me. "Dying." The word comes out of my mouth with no hesitation at all. I grab his shoulders, about to push him off the playground. "Mom! Mom! Mom!" He yells as I give him a shove causing Matthew's body to fall backward onto the rocks below. I stand there, in shock of what I've done as Margaret rushes over to Matthew. She looks up to see me still standing in the same spot from where I pushed him. She begins yelling at me, saying I'm a little piece of shit. She also calls me other bad names. Margaret also says she's going to send me back. But, I pretend not to hear her. Instead, I look up at the sky, wondering where Aunt Amelia was. I didn't want Matthew to die. I just wanted him to know how it hurts. For me, falling off the jungle gym didn't hurt. Nothing seems to hurt anymore. Well, it does, but not as much as Aunt Amelia not being here. _

Some people say miracles are an act of God. I mean, that's if you believe in God. I don't believe in God. I never believed in God. Some people do and that's okay. I have nothing against them, or him. It's just that, I don't believe in him. Since I don't believe in God, I don't believe miracles are an act of God. We see miracles all the time. They'll all over the news and Internet. Let's say, there are survivors of a plane crash. That's considered a miracle. Or, if the astronauts found life on Mars, that would be considered a miracle. In my eyes, these things aren't miracles. These things happen out of pure luck. Luck that the survivors managed to live, luck that the astronauts somehow happened to find water on Mars leading to them finding other forms of life. Miracles are just luck. I believe, that miracles do not exist. I guess, I believe this because I don't believe in God. Since there I think there is no God, miracles cannot be an act of God and therefore, they cannot exist. I, being one of many people, believe this world was created though science and medicine. I believe in evolution. That there was first the monkey who turned into a gorilla who then slowly over time turned into a human being. Then, I believe as science went on, medicine got developed. Therefore, causing medical miracles to happen. Medical miracles are different then these miracles people believe are real. Medical miracles exist. I know this for a fact. My father is a world-class neurosurgeon. My stepmother is a world-class neonatal surgeon. They create medical miracles every day. Derek fixes brain and spinal injuries. He operates so the person, who's unable to walk, can walk again. He operates so the person unable to talk can talk again. Addison helps bring babies into this world. She operates on their mothers to make the babies healthy when they are born. She operates on the sick babies, making them become healthy again, giving them a long wonderful life. Lastly, Addison terminates babies. She terminates the babies, which aren't ready to come into this world yet. She terminates the ones whose mothers won't be able to look after them once they are born. I would have been one of those babies. My father wanted me to be one of those babies. Sometimes, I wish I were one of those babies. Some people probably think I'm crazy that I think this way. They would tell me that life's precious, it's a gift, and it's something you only get one of. I'm tired of caring about what other people think. I don't care anymore. There are only two things that matter anymore. One of them is fighting and the other giving up. I could either give up, stop fighting and become terminated. Or I could fight for my life. I don't know what to choose. If I give up, my father would be happy because he didn't want me to begin with. Addison would be happy that I'm not around anymore because I'm not her kid. I'm close to giving up. But, I think of Aunt Amelia. She didn't give up when she died. She fought for her life. I could fight for my life like she did. But, I don't know if she still wants me anymore. If Aunt Amelia did want me, she would have tired to find me sooner. I could try and fight, but something's holding me back. I can't decide what I want to do. I can't choose. This, is where medical miracles come in. Medical miracles decide for you—if you live or if you die. Right now, I need Derek and Addison to save me. I need a medical miracle.

My lungs feel like they're being squeezed into my body. They push themselves out as I gag for air. I begin coughing frantically and as I do, my ribs feel as if they're being crushed and then the pain comes. There's so much of it I begin trembling and then there's tears. This pain is worst then everything I've ever felt before. I want Aunt Amelia. I want Aunt Amelia. I want Aunt Amelia. I wonder where she is. There's more coughing and more pain. Each time cough, it feels like I'm being run over by a truck. My throat tastes salty as I get picked up into strong arms. Maybe they're Mark's. Maybe they're my Dad's. I lean against the man's chest, still coughing and crying. I feel limp. I feel numb. My body bounces as the man starts running. I don't know where he's running too. Maybe he's running to Aunt Amelia. I just want my Aunt Amelia. The man stops running. People are talking. I can hear them. I try and listen for Aunt Amelia's voice. I can't hear it so I cry even harder. Then, I'm being put into another man's lap. Maybe it's my Dad. Maybe it's Mark. I don't know. I begin coughing again. I want to vomit.

"What the hell happened Mike?" I hear Derek's deep voice ask.

I cling to my father's chest like a child.

"I pulled her out of the water, down by mine and Nancy's beach house." Mike replies, out of breath. "She wasn't breathing, Derek. I called 911 and resuscitated. EMS should be here any minute."

"How long was she under?" Derek questions, his voice shaking, unable to believe what just happened to me.

"I don't know Derek. I heard someone yelling for Amelia. I assumed it was one of our kids. I dropped what I was doing and ran out to the beach to see a black blazer floating in the water. I ran in and dragged her out." Mike explains to him.

Derek nods his head. I can hear his heart pounding. Derek takes his hand and moves it through my wet, tangled hair. He then wraps both hands tightly around my shaking body. I can hear sirens. I don't want Derek. I want Aunt Amelia. I hear the patio door slide open.

"Der," Aunt Amelia begins but then stops after seeing me soaking wet, curled up in Derek's arms, sobbing. Aunt Amelia lets out a gasp and hurries towards Derek and me.

With all my might, I force my arms to wrap around Aunt Amelia, who's bending down in front of us. I sob because I'm tired of hating her. I sob because I hurt. I sob because I almost died. I sob because Aunt Amelia is the only one who can make everything better. I sob because I need her.

"Mike pulled her out of the ocean," Derek fills her in, knowing it's what she's about to ask.

"She can't swim Derek," Aunt Amelia tells him angrily as if it's his fault I decided to go swimming. As if it's his fault he should have kept an eye on me better.

"I didn't know she even left the house Amy!" Derek defends himself. "I didn't know she was even going swimming. Especially in an 800 dollar Chanel dress. You're blaming this on me?"

"She's your kid Derek," Aunt Amelia states the obvious. "You should have been watching her." Aunt Amelia wraps her arms around me tighter. The sirens get louder and louder. Her hug hurts my ribs but I don't push her away. I haven't had a hug from my Aunt Amelia in so long.

"It doesn't matter if she's my kid or not. Mini D's thirteen years old. Why would she go into the water if she can't swim?" Derek continues, deciding to stand up for himself rather then for me.

The sirens aren't increasing anymore. The sound stays the same. There's the pounding of feet. I hear them. They're coming closer. People are surrounding me. I can feel them breathing on me. They place me on a hard surface and begin touching me.

"Mini D!" I hear Mark calling. His voice sounds so far away. It's nice that he's here. It's nice to see he still cares about me. I can't move my body enough to see him. I wish I could. But, there's too much pain.

I wonder where Addison is. I wonder why she isn't here.

"What the fuck happened?" Mark curses.

He probably didn't expect to come back from wherever he came from, to see me lying on my back, soaking wet, unable to move.

"What the fuck do you think happened?" Aunt Amelia answers his stupid question.

"Is she okay?" He asks, concerned.

"What do you think Mark? Does she fucking look okay?"

"Shelter, Amelia. Shelter." Mike reminds her to watch what she's saying.

I remember, when I was a kid. Vanessa, used to tell Aunt Amelia to shelter a lot. She usually always said what was on her mind. She was a very up front person. But when she was using was the worst. It didn't matter who the person was, Aunt Amelia would tell them whatever she thought, and normally every single comment she made towards a person was a mean one.

My breathing becomes a struggle again. Each breath hurts more then the last. Each breath is harder to breathe. Despite having trouble breathing, strangely enough, I begin to feel calm and at peace. My body, feels like it's being lifted up, up, up. The voices talking to me sound far away. They sound like a bunch of mixed up words. But I don't pay attention to any of that, I'm more curious in knowing where I am going and what's going to happen to me.

I think of Aunt Amelia. I think of how much I need her. I don't know what's going on. And even though, I'm freaked out of my mind right now, I continue to fight. I'm not ready to leave right now. I just got my Aunt Amelia back. I don't want to be taken away from her again. So, I fight. I fight for her. I fight for my life.

* * *

The air is going in and out of my lugs. It feels nice to be breathing again. Aunt Amelia's been the whole time I couldn't breath by myself. I know because I heard her talking to Mark. He's been here too. Not as much, as Aunt Amelia has. It feels as though I've been falling forever. I've been surrounded by darkness, endlessly falling. Now, it's time to open my eyes, to come back to life. I know the battle is over. I know I won the fight. I know it's time. But I wait. I wait for Derek and Addison to be there. I feel as though I shouldn't wake up without them here to see me. Seconds turn in minutes. The minutes turn into hours. Still no Derek. Still no Addison. More time goes by. Mark comes back into my hospital room.

"Why don't you go get some sleep?" He suggests to Aunt Amelia. Then, there's a pause as he takes a drink of something. Coffee maybe.

"I want to stay with my niece," Aunt Amelia insists, her voice gravely and dry. "I want to be here when she wakes up."

"Amy, you've been here since-" Mark begins.

"I don't care how long I've been here Mark," Aunt Amelia shoots back. "My niece is in a coma. It's my fault. I need to be here when she wakes up."

"Amy—" Mark starts.

"Don't you dare say this isn't my fault Mark," Aunt Amelia cuts him off. I guess, somehow she had a feeling that's what Mark was going to say. "If I'm not here when she wakes up, Julia's going to think I'm dead again." Her voice quivers.

"You've got to stop thinking this whole thing is your fault, Amelia. It isn't." Mark reassures her. "Mini D knew she couldn't swim. Mini D went into that water. It was her choice. Not yours."

"That girl's been though hell and back," Aunt Amelia croaks. "And on top of everything else she's already been though, I had to overdose. She had to find me unconscious. She was six. She didn't know any better. She thought I died. So, in her eyes, I've been dead to her for the last seven years."

"You have to stop feeling guilty, Amy." Mark tries to make her feel better.

"Stop Mark. Stop blaming this whole thing on her. I want time with Julia alone. I don't want you in here. You're not helping anything. Go wait in the waiting room with everyone else." Aunt Amelia instructs him.

Mark leaves. Aunt Amelia starts sobbing. Everyone else? Who's everyone else? Are Derek and Addison in the waiting room? Why aren't they in my hospital room. Aunt Amelia, why aren't you letting anyone in my hospital room?

An entirety passes. No Derek. No Addison. I'm tired of waiting. I want to wake up. I want to go out into the waiting room and see if they are there. I want Aunt Amelia to stop feeling guilty. I want her to stop crying. I want her to hug me.

"Aunt Amelia?" I whisper. My voice sounds strange and unfamiliar. I wonder how long I've been out. Days? Months? Years?

My voice must have been too quiet. Aunt Amelia hasn't heard me. She continues to cry. Nobody seems to hear me anymore. So, I'm not really mad at her for not answering. Derek and Addison didn't hear me when I first woke up from the car accident. I remember how mad they were at me then. I remember how they sent me back. I suddenly get very uncomfortable. I don't want to be in this hospital anymore. I don't want this hospital visit to turn out like the car accident one. I ran away. I stole Addison's money. I went swimming with an 800 dollar dress and an 500 dollar pair of shoes. Addison is going to kill me. I know she and Derek are going to send me back. I need to talk to Addison. I need to beg her not to send me back. They did last time. What's stopping them from doing it this time?

"Addison," I call out, in a hoarse voice, knowing she's not there. "Addison?"

Aunt Amelia's tear filled eyes, rise up from the ground and meet mine. She then, quickly gets up off her chair, which pushes slightly behind her and rushes over to my hospital bed.

"I'm sorry for swimming, Aunt Amelia." I apologize, figuring she's about to give me a lecture. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I don't know why, but for some reason, I feel as if I've let Aunt Amelia down. I feel as if I didn't turn out the way Aunt Amelia wanted. I feel as if I didn't live up to her expectations. Which is stupid in a way, because Aunt Amelia never had any expectations for me to begin with. The more I think about Derek and Addison not wanting me, the more I know deep down, that Aunt Amelia doesn't want me either. That scares me even more then almost downing did. Now, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know where I am going to go or what I am going to do once I get out of this hospital. All I know is that I can't let that happen which is why I need to talk to Addison.

"I'm not mad at you," Aunt Amelia informs me, sitting on the edge of my hospital bed.

"Derek and Addison are. I need to talk to Addison. She's going to send me back. I can't go back. I don't have anywhere else to go." I express my fear, looking at Aunt Amelia with terrified eyes.

"We're not mad at you," Aunt Amelia insists. "Nobodies mad at you. We're just worried about you. Everyone's worried. I don't understand, Julia. Why would you go into that ocean if you knew you couldn't swim?"

My bed sheets ruffle around me as I push my body up into a sitting position, deciding not to answer Aunt Amelia's question, but to change the subject.

"I want to talk to Addison."

"Julia, I'm not joking. I'm worried about you. What's going on? Did you purposely try and die?" Aunt Amelia continues, moving her hand to my knee.

She knows me too well. She knows when I'm uncomfortable. She knows my tricks and games. She knows the ways I try and get out of things. So, I have no choice but to listen to her lecture, to answer her questions and try and get this thing over with as soon as possible. I didn't want to die. I don't want to be wherever Frank is. That's why I haven't tried to die yet. I didn't want to be in this nightmare anymore. I just wanted an escape. I was tired of fighting. It's not like I'm a crazy physco person or anything—which is what her whole family probably thinks.

"Why didn't you save me?" I question her. "I yelled out for you and my dad. Neither of you came. Derek never wanted me, so I wasn't surprised when he didn't come. But you didn't either. So, I figured you didn't want me and I got tired of living in my constant nightmare. I just gave up."

Aunt Amelia looked at me with sad tired eyes. "Look at me," Aunt Amelia demands, grabbing my shoulders as I turn my head away from her. "Look at me," she says again as I give in and turn my head towards her. "You need to stop this bull shit, thinking nobody wants you. I want you. I love you, more then anything else in the world. If I have to say it again and again until it gets in your head that I'm not going anywhere, I will. I love you, I love you, I love you. Derek, Addison and I all want what's best for you. We're all here for you. You just need to let us in and if you can't let them in, at least let me in."

"You what what's best for _me_?" I exaggerate the me at the end of the sentence, unwilling to believe any of what she told me is true. "You died, Aunt Amelia." I remind her for the thousandth time. "You where the only person I ever trusted. The only person I ever loved and you died. If you ever did care about me as much as you say, you wouldn't have overdosed. You wouldn't have started using in the first place. I watched Ainslie become screwed up because of drugs. She sold me to Frank so he could do whatever the hell he wanted to me so she could get high. You knew how screwed up she made my life and then you had to die. You cannot say you want what's best for me, Aunt Amelia, when you haven't been around for the past seven years and don't even know what's best for yourself."

I take a breath, suddenly feeling better about everything. I've finally been able to tell Aunt Amelia what's been on my mind for so long. Now, maybe she'll finally realize how much she's hurt me. Maybe she'll realize how much she's screwed up my life.

"I'm not using anymore," Aunt Amelia ensures me, however I'm unconvinced. "I've never meant to hurt you, Julia. You saved my life. I'm grateful. I owe you everything. And just like the I love you's, I'm going to say it again and again until you realize exactly how much you mean to me."

"That's what you told Vanessa," I say, huskily.

"And when I told Vanessa," Aunt Amelia explains. "I wasn't using. She was. It just takes one night to relapse, Julia. You know that. That one pilled turned into two, which turned into three and before I knew it, I had gone over the edge."

"You scared me when you where using. That man who was always over. He said you didn't love me anymore and that's why I said I hated you. I just don't know how to believe your not using anymore."

Aunt Amelia sighs, and starts searching through her black handbag for something. I wonder if she still has that purple nail polish she used to paint my nails with. I wouldn't mind if she painted my nails right now. She takes a purple wallet out of her bag, opens it and hands me a picture from inside. I take the photo and study it very carefully. It's of her and me. It's one of the thousands of pictures we used to take on her camera. Vanessa had taken it of us. Aunt Amelia had wanted a nice, smiling picture of the two of us because all the pictures we had on her camera where silly. The picture however, didn't turn out exactly the way Aunt Amelia had wanted it. In the picture, we we're sitting on the sofa, me with my hair in a braid, wearing a black velvet dress, tights and black dress shoes. Aunt Amelia was in jeans, and a black tee shirt. I was sitting on Aunt Amelia's lap, my arms around her neck, her arms around my waste, both of us looking at each other laughing.

"After I got out of the hospital, I went to rehab. Whenever I was craving, I took this picture out. I still take the picture out. I carry it everywhere. I looked for you," Aunt Amelia says. "I went back to Vanessa's to get you. You got put back into the system. I went to the group home you where at. They wouldn't let me see you. They said you where getting adopted."

I remember Margaret's house. I remember Matthew and Abby. I remember the park. If I never pushed Matthew off the playground, I would be there right now.

"I almost did," I tell her. "But they sent me back because I pushed her kid off the playground and he ended up in a coma for a week."

"You pushed a kid off the playground?" Aunt Amelia exclaims shaking her head, unable to believe me.

"He called me a baby because I wet the bed a lot. He made me climb up to the top of the jungle gym and I didn't want to. But, then he said I had to or he was going to tell his mom to send me back. I didn't want to go back to the group home because that place gave you lashes. When I was on the top of the jungle gym, he made me fall off. I wanted to show him how much it hurt, so I pushed him off the playground."

"I'm sorry for not being there," Aunt Amelia's voice is barely above a whisper. "If I had known what was happening too you—"

"It's okay," I interrupt her. Even though it's not okay. "Aunt Amelia?" I then ask, wanting to know what will happen if Derek and Addison don't want me. "What if they send me back?"

"Then I'll take you," Aunt Amelia says without any hesitation. She then pushes herself up off my hospital bed. "I'm going to go tell Derek and Addison you're awake. You have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do."

I nod as Aunt Amelia reaches in to hug me. "I love you," she winks at me, and makes her way towards the waiting room.

You see miracles don't exist. But medical miracles do and for that, I am forever grateful.


	19. Chapter 19

I've been wanting to edit and do a trailer type fan fiction video of this on youtube. I wouldn't do it though, go through all the work, if no one where to watch it, so let me know what you think, if you would want to have a longer wait, so I can work on the trailer video or have another chapter up faster, then if i where to make the video.

So, with that being said,if I do make a video, I would need some help, with suggestions of clips and episodes to use, and who to use as an actress for Julia. I was thinking for one of the scenes to use the episode where Demi Lovato , and have Janet be the women who was playing Demi's mother.

So PM, me if you have want the video to be done, and idea's or would like to help me out with the video.

On another note, I feel as though, I either write the chapters set in the hospital or in Derek and Addison's trailer. I'm thinking of having the next chapter maybe be at the brownstone with Julia, Derek and Addison?

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Nineteen

**Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.**

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

_I'm lying in my bed at my new foster home watching Hey, Arnold. My new foster home is an apartment, like Vanessa's was. Except, it's bigger then Vanessa's apartment. The apartment it's self takes up the whole top floor of an apartment building, just out side of Manhattan. The man, who owns this huge apartment, had been away for work. He's been away since I got here. His name is Peter. He works for a large business company and their main office location is in Europe. Europe is faraway, overseas. That's what my nanny, Evelyn said when I asked her where Europe was. It's just me, and Peter who live in this big apartment. Evelyn also says, that he is my foster father. He wants to be my new daddy someday. Evelyn said it would make Peter really happy if I called him daddy. I never called anyone daddy before. I asked Evelyn if she was going to be my new foster mother. She told me, that she is just my nanny and stays with me while Peter is working and goes home to her own family at night. It's nighttime right now. Normally, after Hey Arnold is over, Evelyn comes in to say goodnight. Except, she hasn't yet tonight. I don't want to watch TV anymore so, I turn over onto my back and look at my walls. Evelyn, let me paint my bedroom whatever color I wanted. Of course I choose purple. Even my sheets and blankets and pillows on my bed are different shades of purple. Evelyn told me, my bedspread is in a type of purple called lavender and my walls and pillows in my bed are in a type of purple called amethyst. I roll back over and start watching Hey Arnold again as my door creeks open. I don't look to see who it is because I assume it's Evelyn. "Hi," the voice says. It's a man's voice. It must be Peter's. He must be home from Europe. I don't look at him. I continue to watch Hey Arnold. I know it's rude, but I don't want to have to call Peter daddy. Peter's footsteps come closer to me and they stop as he lies down on the bed beside me. Hey Arnold ends. Cat Dog is coming on next. That's what the TV says at least. I turn it off and look around for Evelyn. She should be coming in my room soon. Peter rolls me over so I'm on my side facing him. He's on his side facing me. "You don't talk much do you?" Peter questions me. Peter then takes the hair elastics out of my hair and starts undoing the braids Evelyn had just put in my hair. She said that if you leave your hair in braids over night, it will become curly. My hair is already curly but I wanted to see it become even curlier. "Where's Evelyn?" I ask him, uncomfortable. Peter starts undoing my other braid. "I sent her home for the night. I wanted to spend the night with you." Peter tells me. "Do you like the new things I bought you?" I nod my head. "No ones even bought me nice things before," I smile at him and Peter smiles back. "I'll tell you what," Peter promises. "If you do what I want you do to," He pauses for a second. "I'll give you whatever you want. Okay?" I nod my head. I like this deal. "Can we go on the ferry boat and get rocky road ice cream and have grownup candies?" "Whatever you want sugar," He says, his hand grips my hand. "But, you have to do exactly what I tell you." "What do you want me to do?" I wonder out loud. "First, you have to call me Daddy, okay?" I shake my head. This is not okay. I don't want to call Peter Daddy. He's not my Daddy. "You're not my daddy though. My daddy is a superhero. He saves life's from the hospital." "Call me big daddy then," Peter leans over so his face is inches away from mine. A shiver goes up my spine. I'm not a stupid child. I knew what was going to happen next. Frank's done it to me a million times. Peter said I could get what ever I wanted if I did whatever he wanted. I wondered if he was going to give me grownup candy. I haven't had one of those since Aunt Amelia died. I just want everything to stop hurting. Grownup cadies did that. They took the pain away. Plus, on top of it, I could get whatever else I wanted. This time, listening to Peter is going to be worth it. I don't think I am going to mind being his "sugar."_

When someone hurts you, the right thing for him or her to say is sorry. After the "I'm sorry" is said, the right thing for you to say is "I forgive you." It's logic. It's common sense. The only problem is, that it's easier said then done. Many people say I forgive you, just because they want to make things right again. They know, that if they hold a grudge, things will never be the same as they where before the fight or whatever happened to make the person upset. So, after apologies are said and forgiveness is given, the next part of this equation would be to forget. But, it's not that easy either. Especially if the person is someone you trust. Someone you love. Someone you rely on. Each time someone hurts you, no matter what it is, a little piece of you goes away. And even though you forgave them, and they think everything is fine again, it will never be for you. Only you will know, how much the person has hurt you. The person, a friend, a family member, whoever it may happen to be, won't have the slightest idea. Therefore, you get the instinct to hurt them back, either the same way they hurt you, or more, so they know exactly how it feels. At the end of the day though, hurting the person back, doesn't help in the long run. That's why person just forgive. That's why people try to forget. If you don't forget, if you don't forgive, eventually there will be no one left in your life for you to rely on. Little by little, bit by bit, you'll put up boundaries. The boundaries you put up depend on how much you've gotten hurt in the past. You may not realize it at the time, but these boundaries tell you who you can and can't trust. Everybody's been hurt at some point in their life. If you've gotten hurt a little bit, you'll have less boundaries up, then a person who has gotten hurt more. Take me for example. At only thirteen years old, I've gotten hurt so many times in my childhood, that my life's already full of boundaries. I've put up so many boundaries; I don't allow myself to trust anybody. I don't allow myself to let anybody into my life. But, since I met Derek and Addison, things are different. Maybe their repairing what's been broken over the years, I don't know. They're helping me. That's all that matters. Since they started helping me, one by one, my boundaries are disappearing. They haven't all disappeared yet. I hope though that one day they will. I hope that one day, I'll be put back together again. I hope one day, I'll be able to trust them. To let them into my life. Who knows. Maybe, these things will happen. Maybe everything will eventually turn out. The thing is, these things aren't just going to happen by sitting there and by hoping. I have to put some effort into them. Addison and Derek have to put in effort as well. The only way we can do that right now is to try. That's all anybody ever can do. And when things don't turn out, you try again.

New York Presbyterian hospital is different from Seattle Grace Hospital. Which is weird, because you would think most hospitals are the same. The difference has nothing to do with the layout of the hospital, the smell, the doctors or nurses. It's the feeling of familiarity I've been feeling since I've gotten admitted into the hospital. Despite everything, I mean everything, in the hospital being different from Seattle Grace, New York Presbyterian feels familiar to me. I feel as though I've been here before. And, I have been here before. This is the hospital I went to after the drug bust happened. This is where they took me to when I got shot. I push myself up in bed, looking past the door to my hospital room, outside to the dead hallway. Derek and Addison would be here soon, along with Aunt Amelia. Speaking of Addison, I wonder if she has realized yet, the significance of this hospital. Writher she has or not, she's probably still upset over the whole, me stealing her bag thing, considering I haven't seen her since that. She wasn't there to witness my drowning incident, while; I haven't seen Derek since I passed out on his lap. I guess, the moral of what I'm trying to say is, that neither of them are putting much of an effort into this whole parenting thing. But, then again, I guess I'm not either.

"Janet's here," Aunt Amelia informs me, letting herself into my hospital room. "She's mad."

I stretch my neck to see behind her. There's no Derek and Addison with her. There's nobody to apologize too. I'm beginning to think, they've given up on me. I wouldn't be surprised if they have. Nobody has put up with me for this long. I figure, that's probably what they're talking to Janet about.

"How mad?" I ask, curious.

"She's livid. She's infuriated. She's enraged. Words can't describe how mad she is. And on top of how angry Derek and Addison are, you're in for it kiddo." Aunt Amelia lets of a heavy sigh. It's a type of shy most children would get from their parents or guardians after they've done something horribly wrong.

"I'm just going to go apologize," I begin as I swing my legs over the side of my bed. I wince from the pain as my left hand immediately goes to clench my ribs. I crawl back into my bed, realizing, I won't be making it anywhere soon. "After I apologize, everything's going to be better. An apology makes everything better right?"

Aunt Amelia shakes her head and comes to sit on the edge of my bed. "I'm going to tell you the truth." Aunt Amelia pauses for a second. Her voice sounds shaky and unsecure, as if she almost doesn't want to tell me it. "Things are going to get worst before they get better. I know, it's something everyone says, but it's true. You think, just because Derek and Addie don't hit or torture you, when you do something wrong, you can get away with it. You need to learn to deal with the consequences. You just can't get in trouble, and then almost kill yourself, hoping they'll forget what you got in trouble for."

"I didn't almost try and kill myself!" I intrude. "You know that Aunt Amelia! My shoe got caught. How many times do I have to fucking explain it?" I bellow back at her, wondering where this is all coming from. I'm almost, but not totally over her coming back from the dead. So, I figure, I'm still angry over her dying. I mean, she was dead for seven years. Shouldn't I have the right to be peeved off at her?

"Then you have to tell them that," Aunt Amelia addresses me. "You need to start talking. I'm not saying this whole thing is your fault, but you need to let Derek and Addie know what's going on. You just can't keep pretending they don't care. You just haven't realized yet that they do."

I have to admit, that in a way, Aunt Amelia is right. Aunt Amelia is always right. But, with me being as stubborn as I am, I don't want to admit to her face that she's is. Due to living in foster care, bouncing around from one place to another, I was never punished in one certain way. In school last year, in my family studies class, my teacher talked about how children won't act out as much if they're punished a consistent way. Maybe, if I had a stable life, a stable family from the beginning. Maybe if I wasn't punished every which way for pretty much everything I did, I wouldn't be like this now. I faced more consequences in my childhood then most children did. Not to mention, my punishments weren't like most kids. The punishments I've received over the years where a mixture of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Those where my continuous punishments and now, I know it's horrible to say, but I'm used to them. Despite what Aunt Amelia is trying to rub into my face, I still believe they don't care. I'm not use to the forgiveness Derek and Addison have towards me. They've forgiven me for too many things already. There's no way that they're going to forgive me to this.

* * *

We're sitting in one of the conference rooms at New York Presbyterian hospital, around a big oak table. I'm leaning back in my chair, sitting at the head of the table; my feet crossed one over the other, resting on the top of it. Before coming here, I begged my nurse to give me more pain meds, exaggerating on the amount of pain I actually had. I'm also clacking my gum rather loudly, something Janet's not too pleased with, because she's constantly looking over at me along with Derek and Addison. I choose not to pay that much attention to the three of them. If I do, I'll be asked more questions then they're already asking me. I'm more focused on the sunlight that's shining in the window at the opposite end of the room. From the high the pain pills are giving me, it's like I'm in a whole different world. I'm in a whole different life. But, the only thing that would make this whole other world better, is if Derek, Addison, and Janet would stop fighting with each other, so, I could enough the peacefulness of the sunlight. Even though they're arguing about me, they're so into this argument, they've forgotten I'm here. So, they're fighting as if I'm not there. As if, I'm invisible. All this arguing is making it harder and harder to concentrate on the sunlight, so it needs to stop.

"Do you guys mind?" I question them, popping a bubble I've just blown with my finger.

Derek, Addison and Janet all turn to face me, with a surprised look on their faces. They're surprised I've been here all this time. But, now, looking more closely, maybe the look on their faces is of pure anger. The look the three of them share is probably an _oh-I-can't-believe-this-child-has-brought-up-the-nerve-to-talk_ look. So, I've come to the conclusion it's a mixture of shock and anger.

"You're fighting is making it hard for me to concentrate." I berate, ticking them off even more.

"Concentrate on what?" Addison wonders, her voice stern yet concerned as she places her iPhone down on the table.

I eye the phone, wishing I have an cell phone let a lone an iPhone. But then again, I don't have any friends, so who would I end up texting? Derek? Addison? Amelia? Mark? Not happening. I shake my body, getting my head back into this conversation I've started, regretting I've said anything to begin with.

"On the sunlight," I point my finger towards where it's coming from. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Addison's green eye's, shift from me, to the window, all the while, probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe she thinks I'm crazy. She then looks back at me, unsure what to say. Or, maybe not wanting to say anything, because she knows she'd flip out at me if she did.

"It's sunlight, Mini D." Derek mumbles, saving Addison from speaking. Addison let's out a sigh. It's clear to tell, she's relieved. "It's not a big deal. It'd be nice though, if you stopped looking at it long enough, to actually be involved in this conversation we're having about you." He alleges, looking down at blackberry. He's pissed off, that I'm ruining his picture perfect family vacation.

I'm about to shout back a smart ass comment, but get cut off by Janet who stands up from her seat, charges angrily over the window, drawing the blinds and then pulling the curtains across it. I gulp. Aunt Amelia's right, Janet's overly furious at me. And, let me tell you, when Janet gets mad, she gets mad. There's no stopping her.

"I didn't drive half way across New York City to talk about sunlight," She grumbles, sitting down in her seat. Her eyes look as if she wants to strangle somebody. That somebody is more then likely me. "I came to talk about you, because obviously, living with your father isn't exactly working out for you is it?" She interrogates me.

I decide to ignore Janet's question. I don't want to talk to her. I'd rather talk to Carolyn Shepherd then her. I blow another bubble and look over at Derek, wondering what he wants me to say. I wonder if he's over the whole picture prefect family act he wanted me, and Addison, to put on. Obviously, that didn't exactly work out. Just in cause though, considering there might be the slightest change he isn't, I assume it wouldn't hurt just to play it out, more or less rubbing it in his face at the end.

"What are you talking about, Janet?" I ask, as a smirk forms on my face. I know exactly what I'm going to say next. "We've been a perfect little happy family, haven't we Daddy?" I entreat in a bratty, bitchy tone, looking over at Derek, a smiling, a sweet, charming yet sluggish smile. I mean, hey, Derek was the one who wanted to play happy families all along.

"Julia, stop being a bitch." Addison warns me, sick of my attitude. She then lets out a gasp, slapping her hand over her mouth realizing what she just called me, in front of my social worker nonetheless. She's never said anything that mean to me before. Other then the whole Derek doesn't have a daughter thing, but that happened months ago. "You know things haven't been working out like that. It's time to start telling the truth young lady. I'm tired of your bull." Addison, insinuates, looking towards Janet all the while. "I'm so sorry about my stepdaughters attitude. She just doesn't quiet understand who's in charge, yet. I can ensure you though, Ms. Patterson, we're working on it." Addison apologizes.

"I want to talk about what just happened," Janet ignores Addison, eyeing me. "You know, Julia, the whole incident that brought you into this hospital. Would you like to fill me in on it?"

"I went swimming," I inform her. "I thought it was a nice evening for a swim."

"In an 800 Chanel dress, 500 Gucci shoes," Derek growls. " You got to be fucking kidding me. You can't swim, Mini D."

I sigh, a deep, loud sigh. I want the three of them to know, that I'm bored of this conversation already. Besides, even if we do figure out how to fix things, we all know, they're probably never going to get fixed in the long run. I'm going to kill Aunt Amelia later, for telling Derek I can't swim. Since they all know I can't swim, and I know I can't swim. Derek, Addison and Janet probably think I've tried to commit suicide, which is not what happened. They probably think I'm crazy.

"We've all talked about it," Janet pounders as she fiddles with the papers in front of her for a second. Just say it Janet, I want to shout. Say you think I'm wacko. Say you think I'm suicidal. It's not rocket science. Janet finally looks back up from the papers in front of her, and takes another breath; finally about to finish the sentence she just started. "And myself, including your father and stepmother, think it's best if you have a psych consult."

I stare at Janet blankly. I couldn't believe what she was telling me right now. I mean, I guess I could, because I saw it coming. I called her out. Well, not out loud or anything. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am psycho. Maybe I am wacko. Considering everything I've been through, I think I am. I don't know though. Even if that is what I am considered, I don't want to talk to some therapist about it. I'd rather talk to Addison and Derek, tell them the truth, then some doctor whom I'm just meeting for the first time. Maybe, if Derek and Addison could have stopped fighting for long enough for me to talk to them, then I probably wouldn't be here right now, not this hospital, and defiantly not needing a psych consult. Which, I don't think it's necessary.

"Derek and I think," Addison says as calmly as she can. "Since you won't talk to us and considering everything you've been though, it might be good for you if you get some help."

At least Addison thinks it's not just the drowning that made me all fucked up. At least she can see, my life's been fucked up since I was young. And because, she's not like Janet, just blaming my fucked up ness on just one thing, I feel willing enough to inform her, let her in on some things. But, because she and Derek constantly fight, finding a spear moment to sit down with them to just talk, is pretty hard to do. And, if I hadn't of gotten hurt so much in the past, I would by now, probably be able to trust my stepmother. It's not that I don't want to. It's just so hard to do so.

"I want to talk to you," I admit, deciding to tell Addison the partial truth. "But all you guys do is constantly fight. You go on about Derek sleeping with Meredith and Derek goes on about you sleeping with Mark and when you guys get bored of fighting over Meredith and Mark, you fight over me. And when you're not fighting, you're working. But, oh, wait, even when you are working your fighting. Half the time, your blaming things on me, and the other half it's on Meredith and Mark. No wonder why I'm screwed up, I have to live with you too!" I stop, looking back and fourth between Derek and Addison, regretting my realization what I've just said. Even though I feel a bit better, telling them off, finally telling the truth, I think I just made things much worst. Now, Janet probably thinks I don't want to live with them anymore. Now, I'm 99% that if I don't pass this fucking psych consult, she's going to send me back, no questions asked.

"Your not screwed up," Addison quickly ensures me. She doesn't want to have to hear Janet's stuck up opinion on this, or another one of my snotty remarks. "We've told you, that you could talk to us whenever you want. We're took you into our home and been behind you 100%. Derek and I are putting effort into this. We still have learning to do, but nobody's perfect. We're trying, Julia. What more do you want me to say?"

I drop my feet from the table, resting them, rather loudly on the ground. I then bustle my chair in the direction to where I'm facing Derek and Addison better. Derek and Addison are probably putting on an act, maybe possibly the whole happy family act, without me being involved this time. I'm am though, willing to give them some credit. I mean, the tinyest amount of credit possible. But, other then that, they've been putting no effort into this. Nothing.

"Then you're saying I'm psycho right? You guys think I'm some crazy psycho child, ruining your picture perfect lives. And, if I don't pass this fucking psych evaluation, your going to send me back right?" I blabber, words continuing to vomit out of my mouth. "You know," I continue, "to the trailer, back with Bill and Kelly, with the fifty other kids running around the house. The place, where Bill constantly watches me, waiting, for a chance to put his hand down my pants, wanting to have sex with me. While Kelly hates me for it, and throws a few punches at me here and there for having Bill think I'm hotter then her, oh and lets not forget to mention the whole frying pan incident. You guys want me to go back there right?" Nobody says anything. Derek, Addison, and Janet give concerned looks to one another, waiting for the other person to talk. They're just as shocked as me with what just came out of my mouth, but I'm not stopping. I'm on a roll. I'm going to show them how screwed up I really am. The three of them are in for a ride, because my life is way more screwed up then they think it is.

"We don't think you're a psycho child, Mini D," Derek reinsures me. Just like Addison tried to. However, I think Derek's reinsuring himself rather then me, because I'm not so sure about anything any more.

"But you're hoping I am right?" I go on being a bitch. "You're hoping I'm one, so you can send me back, because you don't want a screwed up child. You don't want a screwed up child, who's screwing up your life and not to mention your marriage. You want to blame everything on me. And as soon as you send me back, you think your life isn't going to be screwed up anymore." I take a breath, getting ready for the next batch of words to come out of my mouth. I have a lot more things to say to Derek Shepherd. A lot more.

"That's enough, Julia!" Janet bellows, slamming her hand down on the table. "I wouldn't be surprised if the two of them wanted to put you back into the system with the way your acting."

"Oh, I'm sorry Janet. How rude of me to forget you where here." My eyes shift from Derek to her. "What foster home are you going to put me into this time? One, that gets exploded, because, there's a crystal myth lab in the basement? Or how about the group home where I got whipped six times for peeing the bed? I don't have a preface. I've been though both before."

Derek and Addison's faces are both white as if they've just seen a ghost. While Janet gulps a few times, trying to figure out what to say. I'm assuming she's not sure to shoot a come back at me, or apologize for how crewel child services is. I know she's not going to apologize. She's probably thinking I'm exaggerating, because I do that a lot. It may seem, to a person who hasn't been there to witness the things I've gone though, that what I'm saying might be a loud of bull to them. Thankfully, nobody has to say anything, as a large, bald male doctor comes into the room. He's wearing a white doctors jacket like Derek and Addison's. With pine green scrubs underneath.

"I'm Dr. Throne," he introduces himself, shaking Derek and Addison's hand, as they stand up to greet them. He then looks around the conference table, his warm eyes landing on me. "You must be, Julia. Julia Shepherd right?" He walks over to where I'm sitting and sticks out his hand, which, I don't take. He realizes this after a few seconds and then sits down in the chair beside me. "You know why were here right?"

I roll my eyes and yawn deeply. This was Janet, Derek and Addison's idea. They know why I'm here better then me, so really he should be asking them why I'm here.

"Why don't you ask those three over there," I point in the direction of where Derek, Janet, and Addison are sitting. "They'll probably know the answers to your questions better then me."

"Quit being such an arrogant little bitch," Addison explodes, out of nowhere, yet again. She isn't as shocked saying it this time, compared to last time. But, she still looks over to Janet, who nods her head in agreement.

"You really need to smarten up young lady," Janet informs me. But, since when does she have the right to call me young lady? She isn't my mother. She certainly isn't Derek. "There are consequences you have to pay for your actions." Now she just sounds like Aunt Amelia. I wish she would just her pot whole. "Shut your mouth and drop the attitude, and answer Dr. Throne's questions, or there will be an even bigger price to pay, then the one you already have to now." She then crosses her arms over her chest, just like Derek is doing and leans back in her chair in a huff.

"You have no right to call me young lady!" I holler back at her unhappily. "My mom can or my dad. I mean, if either of them ever cared enough about me to do so. I apparently ruined my mother's life, and my father never wanted me to begin with. But you can't, because you aren't either of them." For some reason, I now feel really hurt. I now feel really upset. I haven't brought Ainslie up in a conversation in a while. I prefer not to, to be honest because of how much she hurt me.

"Julia," Derek starts, crossly. It feels weird for him to call by my first name. I thought he had forgotten what it was. Most of the time, when I'm involved in a conversation, Derek just chooses to sit back, and let it play out. You know this by now. It's like he doesn't even care what happens to me. I thought, when he took me in, things where going to get better between us. I guess not.

"So, I'm guessing your really upset at you parents right now, huh?" Dr. Throne questions, waiting for my response. "Is this what triggered this whole drowning accident?"

I shrug, not knowing what to say. For one, I didn't try to kill myself. For two, maybe this doctor dude is right. Just maybe. But, I wasn't going to give in yet.

"I didn't try to drown myself!" I yell into the large room. My voice bounces back off the walls, it's like they're caving us in. "My shoe got caught and I couldn't get it off. I wasn't out very deep but the waves came over my head and the water came in really fast. I just wanted to swim. I thought about drowning for a minute. I thought about giving up but I didn't want to. I tried to swim to the top of the water but I couldn't, okay? Happy now? Are we done here?" I stand up, ready to leave the room, then suddenly grab my ribs. The meds have obviously worn out.

"No, we aren't done." Derek insists. Somehow unable to see the amount of pain I'm in. "Sit your ass back down." He's still mad at me, yet it's hard to tell what he's mad over. Obviously there's the stealing of Addison's credit card. The drowning, in which the right-minded parent wouldn't get mad at their child for. There's also me being a bitch the whole entire time I've been here. What I think he's the most angry about is, now that I finally revealed to everyone why I drowned, I'm hopefully seen in his eyes, as not so screwed up anymore. So, sorry Derek Shepherd, for not being put back into CPS after all. I still don't want to get my hopes up however, because from the looks of it, this conversation still has a long way to go.

"This is all your fault. And you know it Derek," I swing around to face him. I clench my hand into a fist. I have to use all my will power to not hit my father in the face. "All you wanted from the start is for me to go back into social services. Now you might just get your wish." I stagger; my breathing becomes faster, as I get more and more upset. "You think that if I am crazy enough, I'll be an unsuitable daughter. I hate you. I hate New York." I go on, expressing my hatred for the place. "I never wanted to come here in the first place. You never care about my opinion. Now, and even when I was born you never asked me where I wanted to live. You weren't even there when I was born. And if maybe you had asked back then, I would have said yes. More then anything all I've ever wanted to do was live with you. Everything that happened to me was your fault. If you had wanted me to begin with, none of this would have happened. We would be fine, we would have been happy and you have would loved me. You would have thought of me as a daughter. Not just some stupid charity case you feel sorry for because you where never there the thirteen years of her life. I don't want to live with you anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done. I blame all this on you!"

I turn around and without looking back, I leave the conference room, slamming the door behind me, walk down the hallway, not to my room, but to the elevators. Like I said, I was done. They can come after me if they want, though they're probably not going to. I just know that, I'm not coming back here. And that's all that's left to be to said. There's nothing more to say. I'm done. I'm out of here. I'm not sure where, but wherever it happens to be, it's going to be anywhere but here.


	20. Chapter 20

I'm sorry the update took so long, I've been super busy with University ... I have a paper and two mid terms this week.

Oh and if you haven't don't forget to watch the video, it's on youtube. I'm just too lazy to post the link. Just google search Just Ain't Enough, Grey's Anatomy Fanficton ... it should be there.

* * *

Chapter Twenty

**There are times in our lives when love really does conquer all: exhaustion, sleep deprivation, anything. And then there are those times when it seems like love brings us nothing but pain.**

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

_It's the next morning. Peter is lying on his beside me. He isn't wearing any clothes. One of his hands is over top of my own naked body. The big poofy purple bread spread is down on the ground. I try to slide off the bed, not remembering anything that happened after Hey Arnold. As I do, I sit in something wet. I peed the bed again. Peter was going to be mad at me. Peter grunts, his eyes open a crack. He rolls over into the pee spot, his arm reaching for me pulling me closer to him. As his body sinks deeper into the mattress, Peter jumps up, pushing himself away from the spot of pee in my bed. He raises his hands above his head, ready to slap me. I flinch hugging my body into a tiny ball. Peter hesitates as I let out a scream. "Please don't Big Daddy! My real daddy would never hit me. He loves me." Peter puts his hand down on the bed. "He doesn't love you," Peter snarls, getting up on the opposite side of the bed. "If he loved you, you wouldn't be here right now." I gulp, blinking back tears. This is the first time, I've come close to crying since the night Aunt Amelia died. I've known that he didn't love me all along, but hearing those words out loud made it seem real. Peter walks around to my side of the bed. He picks me up, and carries me down the hall and inside his bedroom. Everything is black and white in the bedroom. It looks very fancy. He walks through the bedroom, into his bathroom. Peter then sets me down in the shower, and turns it on as hot as it can go. Peter climbs in too. The warm water burns my skin and the bathroom mirrors fog up with the steam coming from the water. Peter pushes me against the black tiled wall, pressing my body against it. He brings he lips closer to mine. Somehow I manage to squirm away, into a corner of the shower, were I curl my body into a little ball. Peter comes back over to me; he raises his hand over his head again, getting ready to hit me. And, this time he does. "I only like little girls who listen!" He growls, his hand hitting the side of my body over and over and over again. Him hitting me is not as bad as the whip though. When I was whipped at the last group home, that was the worst. When Peter is finished hitting me, he picks up my wet trembling body and carries me back to my bedroom, plopping me down on my bed. Peter then hands me the clothes Evelyn had picked out for me the night before. "Put them on," Peter orders me before disappearing out a sight. My shaking hands struggle to put on the clothes. I just finish putting on my shirt as Peter comes back into my room, fully clothed and a mug of coffee in his hands. He glares an evil, disappointing glare at me as Evelyn comes in. "Good Morning, Sir," She greets Peter. "What do the two of you have planned for today?" Peter looks at me, and then to Evelyn. "I'm taking Julia on an adventure." He snarls, making me uncomfortable. "I want her to meet a couple of my business friends." Peter then looks at Evelyn. "Would you mind doing her hair? I want it in two French braids." Evelyn nods and quickly scatters over to me. Peter leaves as Evelyn takes the hair brush from my night table and begins to brush out my wet hair. "My golly!" She exclaims. "Peter's never taken anyone to meet his business friends before. I'm sure the two of you are going to have so much fun!" She then begins humming a song I don't know, my body still trembling. Somehow, I don't think the adventure me and Peter are going on is going to be fun. _

Growing up, I never really knew what love was. I had one person that loved me, and that was it. Still, today, I'm struggling to figure out what love actually is. For most people, love comes after the feelings have begun in a relationship. Then, the couple, whoever it may be decide their love is so strong for one another, and they want to share it with someone else. So, they decided to have a baby. When, that baby is born, they love it unconditionally. Therefore, that is how a family is made. To be a family, it doesn't matter if you are big or small, gay or straight, black or white, related or unrelated, all that matters is that you love each other. That love you share, is what is considered your family. People, consider Derek, Addison and I a family. We're a family because Derek and Addison are married and I'm Derek's daughter. We're a family because people consider us to be one. Except, there's just one problem, we can't be a proper family until we love one another. Once we're able to exchange I love you to each other, then we will be a family. But now, until we get to that point, I see us to be an end of a record. One that's played all the way though and is waiting to have the needle be put back to the start again. If you look more closely, every family is like a record, not just the end of one, however. The record symbolizes the family's good times, and then, when it stops, there are bad times, until the record is flipped over and the good times are consumed again. The thing with Derek, Addison and I is that we're just waiting for someone to come change the record. There was a time, I'm sure that Derek and Addison where happy once. I mean, if there wasn't, they probably wouldn't have gotten married. Their record played out, and I showed up, and somewhere along the way, the record hasn't been changed since. Sometimes, I'm scared that the record hasn't just played out, but it's broken. I'm scared it's so broken to fact where Addison and Derek won't be able to fix their marriageable problems. Or share their love with me, like a proper family should. The record can't be put back on track again, until they learn to love each other again. They have to learn to love each other again, before they can love me. I can't be doing any more stupid things, because each time I do, we're a step away from putting the record back on track. We're a step away from being a family. I'm tired of moving back, and I'm sure they are too. I just want Derek and Addison to prove that they want to be a family. I want them to show me they want me, not just say they do. I figure, I've got to work on things more, work harder. We won't get any where without trying. If we don't try, I won't be able to get the chance to believe that love really does conquer all. Right now, I find it hard to believe, that that's true. I do believe however, that love brings us nothing but pain. Like I said, having a very vast idea on what love is, and having only ever loved Aunt Amelia, I know love hurts. When she died (or what ever she actually did), okay, lets not say died, let's just say disappeared. So, when Aunt Amelia disappeared from my life, I was heart broken. Her dying or whatever she did, hurt me, more then words can ever say. I know, I've said this before, but I'm trying to prove a point. I feel a sharp pain every time I look at her. And still, I don't understand how she could have just left me like that. Maybe, I don't understand why because I don't understand love. Understanding love however, is something I don't know how to do. I don't think anybody knows how to understand love. And, who knows, maybe you're not suppose to understand it.

"Dr. Throne is a terrible therapist," Carlyon's words screech my feet to a stop right in front of the grey elevators. I turn around to face her, startled, yet curious to see what she has to say. Her brown eyes, which once seemed so cross, now glisten, like stars in the night sky, or the sun reflecting off the ocean water, making it look like sparkles, or diamonds perhaps. "Is Kathleen in there talking to you as well?"

I shake my head, somewhat confused, and at the same time trying to remember which sister Kathleen was. Despite having been at the beach house with Derek's family for a few days, Derek hasn't fully introduced me to his family yet. Yet, they probably all know me as the crazy psycho child who stole Carolyn's watch, thought Aunt Amelia was dead, probably assumed I was on drugs or something, stole Addison's purse, ran away, spent a tone of her money, and last ruined the clothes that the money was spent on by drowning myself, which however is not the case.

"I don't understand," Carolyn continues, shaking her head in disbelief. "My daughter is the number one mental health psychiatric physician in this hospital. Why on earth didn't Derek assist you see her?" She raises her hands above her head, and let's out a disproving huff.

I roll my eyes, still trying to get a picture into my head, of what Kathleen looks like. I want to believe that Carolyn is more or less exaggerating on Kathleen's status in this hospital because most parents do exaggerate on the goal their children have accomplish. Yet, giving my father is one of the best neurosurgeons in the world, and doctoring does run in his family, it is very likely to be true. If Derek, was in my life growing up, I wonder what types goals I'd accomplish for him to brag about. I feel kind of bad in away, because in reality, in my real life, I have accomplished nothing that would make him proud. Parent's brag about their children to other parent's or to anyone really, who stops to talk to them. So, it makes me wonder what Derek would say about me. I wonder if he would say anything at all. Thinking about this stuff, just makes me even more depressed then I already am, so I reach of the down bottom of the elevator ready to make my escape, but Carolyn slaps my hand away from it.

"Where do you think your going?" She interrogates me, her hands on her hips.

"Anywhere but here," I answer, turning around again, trying to attempt to press the elevator button, but get stopped for the second time, by Carolyn.

"You should talk to Kathleen," Carolyn insists, as I clench my side again, the pain pills have completely worn off. My body hurts so much, that I have to learn against the wall for support.

"I don't want to talk to Kathleen. She said my sassy attitude was worst then Zack's," I mention, finally remembering which one of Derek's sisters she was. Kathleen was the only on that brought up the never to say something to me, other then Aunt Amelia. Derek's other two sisters, Nancy and Meaghan, I haven't got the chance to talk to yet.

"She the best," Carolyn repeats again, smiling and then it quickly disappeared. She takes a breath. "Look," She begins. "I'm really sorry about the way I acted the other day. I'm sorry about my reaction to my husbands watch. Derek did tell you the story right? About what happened to my husband?"

Unsure of what to say, I nod, looking up at her. It's all I can do right now. Her eyes meet mine, and despite the continuous sparkle they have throughout them, I can see her sadness behind it, which seems to comes onto me. And now, I am able to feel her pain, her remorse, her sorrow. My body begins to ache along with Carolyn's. And for just a minute, I begin to wonder if I'm not feeling her pain, remorse and sorrow, but my own. I open my mouth to say, that I can relate to her. But no words come out. I want to say I know people who died. I know what it feels like to feel alone. And suddenly, I want to tell this woman who is standing in front of me everything. I want to tell her about Frank. I want to tell her about my mom. I want to tell her about Addison and Aunt Amelia. I want to tell her about everybody whose hurt me and lastly, I want to tell her about Derek. But I can't. I just can't bring myself to do so.

"Oh, honey!" Carolyn exclaims, as something wet comes down my cheek. I wipe the tear away, unaware that I was crying. "I'm sorry! I did I say something wrong?" She wonders, worriedly.

I shake my head again, as my cheeks begin to get more tear stained. Surprising me, out of the blue, Carolyn pulls me in for a hug, wrapping her arms around me. Squeezing me so tightly. I find it strange to believe that just the other day, this was the woman who thought of me as a thief and a liar. She was the woman that slapped Aunt Amelia for admitting she had the watch. And normally, this is a type of a hug I would reject. Normally, I would push the person away. Even though, Carolyn Shepherd is biologically my grandmother, she is still a stranger for me. And for some odd reason, I decide to hug her back. I lean my face against her chest, and the fleece from her sweater digs into it. Why on earth she wants to wear a sweater in the middle of the summer is beyond me. I breathe in her smell of mixed flowers and wonder, if this was the smell Derek smelled when he hugged his mother as a child.

"Ma!" Derek's concerned voice breaks the warmth of the hug Carolyn and I where sharing. "What's going on? What are you doing here? Is everything alright?"

Carolyn and I break away from each other and I subconsciously wipe more tears from my eyes, hoping Derek won't notice that I was crying. Wiping the tears though, probably didn't matter, because he wasn't concerned with me in the least. He was more concerned with Carolyn being here. Then with me being upset.

"I'm fine Derek," Carolyn says calmly. "I was just having a nice little chat with your daughter." Carolyn smiles and winks at me.

"You were?" Derek questions, looking from me to his mother. Some how unable to believe this. I wouldn't blame him. I am unable to believe it too. I'm guessing he's shocked Carolyn and I were able to have a civil conversation without wanting to rip each other's heads off.

"I came out to find you," Derek tells me. I'm surprised it's not Addison running out after me. I'm surprised it's him. He just probably wants to look good in front of Janet. That's probably the only reason why he came to find me. If Janet wasn't here, and if Addison didn't come out after me, the two of them would have probably let me run. "Dr. Throne's still here. It would be nice if you could come back to talk to him. Is it asking too much of you to have a normal, nice, decent conversation with the man?"

I glare at Derek unhappily; thinking about what Carolyn was just talking to me about, before he happened to interrupt us. I have to admit, I did bring a lot of baggage with me when I showed up in Seattle the first time. My memories, and what I went though in my past, its clear to see, no child should have gone though what I did. I've said before, that you can't change the past, but maybe you can change the future. Thinking about this, the only way I will be able to do this is to come to turns with my past. To try and move on. Maybe, talking to Kathleen won't be a bad thing. Maybe Kathleen will feel bad about what she said to me, the day I borrowed Addison's bag. But first, before I move on from my past, I need to make sure, that Derek has come to turns with me being his daughter—something that's not going to happen anytime soon, by the way things are going.

"Is it too much to ask of you to be my father?" I shoot at him, rather pleased of my come back.

"I'm trying to help you!" Derek keens. "Addison and I are trying. I'm trying! We thought talking to Dr. Throne would help you!"

"It's all bullshit!" I intrude, bellowing back at him "You think talking to him is going to send me back! That's all you care about. You know it's true Dr. Shepherd!"

"Oh, don't Dr. Shepherd me, Julia." Derek sighs, pushing his hands though his curls and letting out a deep breath, then finally placing is hands on his hips, and continues hollering at me, which must be his favourite thing to do. "We've been over this, practically no more then five minutes ago. How many times do I need to tell you that we aren't sending you back?"

"You sent me back last time when I wrecked Addison's car," I remind him, somewhat fearfully. Or at least, trying to hid my emotions back and to ignore the cutinizing pain that I am in. "What's stopping you this time?"

Not being able to figure out a come back, Derek doesn't respond. Instead, he just gives me this look. It's Derek Shepherd's famous, you-did-something-wrong-yet-I-feel-sorry-for-you-look.

"I'm sorry to break the very special father daughter moment your having," Carolyn says sarcastically. "However, I was able to convince my granddaughter to talk to Kathleen. Will you please explain to me why on earth you didn't let Julia talk to your sister in the first place? She then asks, as Janet and Addison, close behind her, join our circle of 'friends'.

"Derek, Dr. Throne's still in the conference room. Are you going to come back and talk to him, respectfully Mini D?" Addison asks, turning to me.

"We won't be needing him anymore," Derek lets her in, grunting and then looking down at his feet. "Julia is going to be talking to Kathleen."

Carolyn looks rather impressed with herself and sends me another wink, while Addison and Janet seem confused, Janet more then Addison.

"Dr. Shepherd, we did agree that Julia needed to talk to someone, before leaving the hospital, someone more along the lines of a professional. Seeing, as the three of you did not keep to your promise before." Janet postulates. When it comes down to it, Janet wants everything to be her way.

"Derek's sister, my sister in law is the best child mental health physician in this hospital," Addison transfers Derek's unwilling to glance.

Derek looks like he doesn't know what to do with himself right about now. He's mad at me still, and not happy I'm getting my way with things again, but he can't say no to his mother apparently. I still haven't figured out however, what he is the most mad at me over. So, it's safe just to say he's mad at me for everything.

"Oh," Janet seems surprised, and the tone of her seems higher then it was before, it that was even possible. "Why didn't either of you say something when you talked to me on the phone before!" She then looks from my stepmother to my father.

I clinch my face and I lean more of my body weigh on the wall, trying my hardest not to scream out in pain. Was talking about this in the hallway really necessary? I mean, seriously, I'd rather sit in my bed, high off medication and listen all day to Derek and Addison and Janet go at each other then, stand here in agonizing pain, listening to them for what has really been a few minutes, but for me, it's been hours. My whole, leaving the hospital thing, would also have to be put to a hold until I got more pain meds.

I sneak away, down the pediatrics ward, following the blue train painted along the hallway, attempting to give the place a pop of color and into my own hospital room, were Aunt Amelia is waiting for me, as I collapse down on my bed.

"They wouldn't give me more pain meds," I mewl to her, begging for hurt to stop, making it seem like it was the end of the world. Lying on top of everything, because I never did mention to Derek and Addison that I needed more. They, didn't even take the time to look at me, too see if I was okay. Yeah, like Derek said, they _sure_ are trying.

"Did you even ask them?" Aunt Amelia questions, setting the Vogue magazine she was reading, on the coffee table beside her chair.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't really trying a whole lot. But, it is still hard for me to ask Derek and Addison for simple things. But, I am taking a big step by agreeing to talk to Kathleen. Therefore, I am trying a little bit.

"No," I tell Aunt Amelia blankly.

She lets out a _what-am-I-going-to-do-with-you_ sigh, as she gets up from her seat and heads out of my ever so gloomy hospital room. I have to say, I prefer the pediatrics ward at Seattle Grace, and the room I stayed in there, over this room, that has odd depressed animals on the wall paper, which is glued all over the walls. Then again, it could me who is depressed and not the animals.

Aunt Amelia stops in the doorway and turns around to face me.

"I'm gong to go try and find a nurse or your doctor or someone, figure out what is going on."

She then turns around again, about to walk out into the hallway. I suddenly get a sinking feeling in my stomach, you know, like something isn't right or that you don't want something to happen type feeling? Well, for an odd instinct, I don't want Aunt Amelia to leave. Normally, I used to being alone in hospital rooms, after all the hospital visit I've had so far this year, which probably make up for the life time of hospital visits I never got to have.

"Aunt Amelia," I quickly belt out as she turns back around again to face me.

"Yeah?"

I look at her, somehow unable to say, want I want to say to her. As nice as it would be for her to stay with me, it's better for her to go get me medicine. Plus, it's not her I really truly want. It's Addison. I've been trying so hard to block the Dr. Montgomery memory from my mind, but it's getting to me now. The two of us never really did talk about the whole thing, something, I guess that would be nice to do. But, Addison and I never have a minute alone together anymore. It's always with Derek or Mark or Aunt Amelia there. As much as I love Aunt Amelia, it's getting kind of frustrating that she's always here, and as much as I want her to be, I need a chance to talk to everyone else.

"Nothing, never mind." I answer, which is probably is probably for the best.

She nods, however a bit unsure that it's nothing. I can see it in her eye. Aunt Amelia still leaves however, and I'm now officially alone with nothing other then the freakish looking wallpaper and my depressing thoughts.

* * *

I'm all drugged up by the time Derek comes back into my room, followed by Addison, and a women with crazy curly hair and brown eyes, whom I am guessing is to be Kathleen. She's wearing a white doctors jacket and no scrubs under it. I let out a small sigh, because the lack-ness of her scrubs makes me miss Derek and Addison's dark blue ones, and the scrub filled hallways throughout Seattle Grace. I don't know a lot about child psychiatric physicians, but I do know, they aren't surgeons like my father and stepmother were. Bringing me to the conclusion that's probably why she doesn't need to wear scrubs. Cause it's not like she's scrubbing into surgery anytime soon.

"I'm Dr. Shepherd-Thompson," Kathleen introduces herself to me, holding out her hand for me to take it, except I do the opposite. "Derek's sister," Kathleen adds, incase for some reason, I was unclear on who she was, gesturing her head towards Derek. "I'm supposed to clear you. Apparently you need a psych consult before you can head home?"

I shrug, looking towards Derek and Addison not wanting to answer any of her questions. I then, look around the room for Janet, who doesn't happen to be in it.

"Janet got called into the office for an emergency," Derek fills me in, as if he was reading my mind. "She's going to stop by the Brownstone in the next couple days, after you get released."

"Really seriously?" I grump. "Can't she leave us alone? And what the fuck is the Brownstone anyway?"

"Is swearing really necessary?" Addison asks. "It's the townhouse Derek and I own, by Central Park." She then slumps down into the chair by the window, Derek into the other one. Kathleen, however, sits in the chair beside my hospital bed.

I wonder, if they lived by Peter's condo, because I remember I had a view of Central Park from by bedroom. If they lived by Peter's condo, I there is no way in hell that I was staying at this so called Brownstone. I sit up on the so ever uncomfortable mattress and cross my legs over on another.

"Your hospital really needs to get new mattress," I go on. "I don't see how anyone can get any sleep on them."

"You slept on it for days," Derek mumbles, unhappily. Derek's always unhappy with me, that's nothing new. He's always angry at me for something or another.

"I was in a coma," I inform him. "I had no choice but to sleep."

Kathleen writes something on the clip board she is carrying, and then stands up.

"I took time out of my busy schedule to come see you, Julia. If you are unwilling to show a bit of decent respect to me let alone your parents, I have more willing patients to see, then you." Kathleen then looks to Derek and Addison and back at me.

"I'm not suicidal," I finally say, hoping this would get Kathleen to stay, and knowing if Kathleen where to leave, Derek and Addison would be even more furious with me then they already are. "I don't know how to swim and I was just mad at Aunt Amelia for not coming to get me in Harlem. And Mark was already mad at me. And now he's furious at me. Everyone is furious at me. I didn't even go out in the water that deep. The tide came in too fast and the waves kept crashing over my head. My shoe got stuck in the sand. I swear. I promise. I don't think I would have the nerve to die, because Frank is dead. I don't want to be wherever he is."

Kathleen nods, and writes something else down on her clipboard. "Well," She says looking up. "I'm going to keep you here over night, just to make sure, alright? You can go home tomorrow, and I'll come check on you over the next couple of days. Does that sound good?"

I nod, upset that I had to stay in the hospital another night, but yet, happy I wasn't going to have to go to the psych ward. I kind of wish, that we were going back to Derek and Addison's beach house, because I really really hate Central Park. No matter, where I went to in New York, the dark, horrible memories I've went through as a child will always be there, no matter how much I try and them away. There not just in my mind, but at the places, I go to.

* * *

Darkness is all I first see, and then, the empty, horrifying hallway. Then the animals from the wallpaper begin to come at me. Not as animals, but as people, representing the ones who hurt me. Ainslie comes first, slithering on the ground like a large poison-filled snake. Frank comes next, wobbling on all four like a lion or cheetah. Then it is Jeff, who appears as a large pig, squealing high-pitched songs that don't seem to stop. My hands jump from my sides to my ears, trying to drop out the horrible noises. Vanessa runs down the hallway like wolf, stopping to howl at my hospital room doorway. Then Margaret hairy spider like body climbs though the wall, and then lastly Peter's bear like figure charges through my hospital window, glass shattering everywhere, landing with his claws on my bed, as I let out a horrifying scream. The animals begin to surround me, coming closer and closer to my bed, licking their lips, ready for a feed of human flesh. Then, there's the clicking of heels coming down the dead corridor. I scream again, hoping that however is coming will hear me. The woman walks past, long red hair swaying from side to side as she walked. The woman, which apparently is Addison, looks in the direction of my room and for a splint second before trying away again down the hallway.

"NO!" I scream. "Dr. Montgomery, don't leave me. Addison please! Please, Please." I sob, scared out of my mind, as I am able to smell the animal's breaths. "Help me, please! Addison! Don't go. Addiso-"

Darkness, is the first thing I see as I open my eyes, and then it disappeared as the lights from the hospital machines light up my room.

"Addison!" I cry out again, believing I'm still in my nightmare. "I'm sorry, come back. Don't leave. They're going to eat me. Addison!"

My trembling body is shaking so much; it takes me a minute to realize someone's arms are wrapped around me. I ignore what the woman is saying, as I begin hitting the arms trying to claw them off me. I manage to do so, and turn terrified, to face nobody else but Addison.

"It's okay," Addison hums, as she reaches her arms out towards me, I back away however, not exactly please with her.

"No it's not okay," I manage to say, after finally controlling by breaths. "They where all going to eat me and you left! YOU LEFT!" I holler at her.

"It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real." Addison ensures me, as I shake my head. She just didn't get it.

"It wasn't a nightmare you left! You just left," I share with her, petrified

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Addison voice is hushed, after finally realizing what I meant.

"Do you even know what this hospital is?" I continue to drill her, as if I'm the sergeant and she's my army. The only person in my army.

"Yes, I do." Addison replies, which catches me off guard.

"Then why don't you care!" I squeal at her. "Why don't you care?" I wonder again.

"I do!" Addison insists, her arms reaching out to hug me again, yet I push them again. "I haven't stopped! I have no idea what came onto me that day in the hospital. You where there, and you where so little and tiny—and I want to fix this for you Mini D, I do!"

"No you don't want to fix this Addison!" I bellow back at her. If she did want to fix this, it would have happened a long time. She wouldn't have just got up at left me there, struggling for air. "If you wanted too, you would have!"

"I'm trying. I'm trying. I'll try more okay? Is that what you want me to do?" Addison sniffles. "Just tell me what you want me to do, Mini D." She continues when I don't say anything back. "Because you're hurting, and I can't stand to see you hurting so much. You're still so tiny. Not as tiny as you used to be, but your small. You can't hurt so much and be that small."

I stare at her for a minute, tempted to hug her. To tell her I'm the one that's sorry, for everything I did. Maybe that's what I have to do, to make everything all right again. Except, I don't know what all right is anymore.

"But I am hurting!" I admit. "It's so much! I just want it to stop. Make it stop. Please make it stop!" I beg, as Addison pulls my body into hers and holds me. She rocks me back and forth, as if I were a baby. She runs her fingers through my hair and kisses my forehead. Something, that reminds me of what Aunt Amelia would do if I was upset. "I'm sorry." I whale. "I'm sorry I crashed your car and stole your bag. And for anything else. Please, I'm so sorry!" I sob into Addison chest as she holds me tighter.

"It's okay. Those things don't matter. I have money. It's not an issue. I can fix a car, I can buy a new one. I can't by a new one of you. There's just one of you. And if I can't fix you, Mini D." Addison coos. "If I can't fix you, you won't be there anymore. You matter more then any of those things. And I promise I'm going to fix this for you. I'm not going to leave again. Promise."

I grab onto Addison tighter then she's holding me right now. Bit by bit, the sound of my sobs begin to go away, until it's just Addison heart I can hear, and her chest going in a out as she takes each breath. My focus my mind on the thump thump thumping of Addison heart, until that fades away, and eventually there's nothing but darkness again, except it's good darkness this time, because I know I am safe.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey, **

**So I just have one question. For the next chapter, I was wondering if you wanted me to write some of it in Derek's point of view, you'll understand better at the end.. it would be half Derek's point of view and half Julia's like the chapter I did with Amelia and Julia. That way, I'll be able to have more Derek and Addison moments in the next chapter, as some of you have been asking for. Let me know what you think! **

**Thanks. Enjoy reading. **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty One**

The human body is made up of systems that keep it alive.

There's the onethat keeps you breathing, and the one that keeps you standing.

The one that makes you hungry, and that one that makes you happy.

They're all connected. Take apiece out, and everything else falls apart.

And it's only when our support systems look like they might fail us that we realize how much

we depended on them all along.

**- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy **

_Bright lights are everywhere. They are like sunshine but only brighter. And it can't be sunshine, because I'm not outside. I'm lying on a mattress. I can't remember how I got here. I don't even know where here is. I know I came here with Peter though. I remember getting into his car, and having to drink a warm milkshake. He told me if I drank it, we could go on the ferryboat. Of course I really wanted to go, because ferryboats are my favourite things in the whole entire world, other then Aunt Amelia of course, but she doesn't count anymore because she's dead. For a second, I think I am dead too. Maybe the big bright lights I am seeing are heaven. I wonder if that is where Aunt Amelia is because Dr. Montgomery and my superhero daddy didn't fix her. I wonder if it is finally my turn to go to heaven. Maybe if I crawl through the lights, I will get to heaven. So, I begin to crawl. I crawl until I fall off the mattress and land on the ground with a thump. "Where do you think you're going pretty girl?" A deep voice asks. I'm then getting picked up, and thrown back down onto the mattress. Shivers go up my back and my hands onto my body as I realize my clothes have been taken off. "I'm going to heaven to see Aunt Amelia." I tell him, stumbling around looking for my clothes. Maybe you had to take your clothes off before you get into heaven. Aunt Amelia must be waiting with my clothes for me. Suddenly there is a lot of laughing. The laughing doesn't stop. "What the fuck did you get yourself into Peter?" The deep voice speaks again. I now know, as much as I wish I to be in heaven, I'm not. There probably wasn't even heaven to begin with, and this makes me really sad to know Peter is here too. "P…Peter?" I hold my naked body, trying to keep it warm. "Where are my clothes? I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore." I try to get up from the mattress, but feet walk up towards me, and hands grab me and hold me down on the mattress. "You promised me baby girl," I recognize Peter's voice. "You told me you would do what I wanted you too do." I tremble as his hands let go of me. "What do you want me to do?" I ask in barley a whisper, knowing there was no way out of this. "I want to be a vicious lion. I want to crawl around this mattress and pretend to be a lion. I want you to roar, baby. ROAR!" Peter yells, and I just sit there, not knowing what a roar of a lion sounds like. I never saw a lion before. Peter gets mad at me not doing anything, and grabs me by my braids, almost pulling my hair out of my head. "I don't know how to be a lion! Please Big Daddy! Please!" When Peter realizes what I am saying is true, he lets go of my hair. "Then we are going to have to go to the zoo," Peter acknowledges. "You are going to learn to be a lion. The best baby lion there can be." "Why do I have to be a lion without my clothes?" I wonder, confused. "Why do I have to learn to be a lion?" "Because you are going to be famous, baby." Peter kisses my lips. "You're going to make me a lot of money. Your videos are going to go all over the internet, all over the world. Everyone like me will know you. Baby girl, you are going to be a star." My eyes widen when he says this. And I leap up and put my arms around his neck and kiss Peter's cheek. He said I'd be a star. Everyone knows who movie stars are, not just people like Peter. So, me being a star will help my superhero daddy love me again. Aunt Amelia will be able to watch me from heaven. And now, I'll finally be able to find Dr. Montgomery. My seven year old life, couldn't get any better. Right now, I'm the luckiest kid alive. _

To have a healthy life, you don't just need to have all your bodily systems working. I mean, yeah they're a big help, but they are only one part of the puzzle. And when they break apart, they aren't what we rely on to put us back together. We turn to the people we trust. We believe they know the answers. We think they can bring back light into the darkest of days. We want them to solve all our problems for us. The thing is though, is they have problems too, just like us. Problems, at the time we don't care about because we are to self centered on our own. We often forget these people are human beings. They're our support system. Family. Friends. Teachers. Priests. Social Workers. Doctors. They're the people we turn to when something goes wrong. I believe, to have a normal life, you have to have a support system. You have to have people who will stand behind the decisions you make and be there for you when things go over the edge. You need a support system because without one, you're life won't be normal. You'll be broken, broken like me. I never had a support system growing up. There weren't people to be there for me when everything fell apart. There where social workers. There were a lot of those. They came and went faster then a tortoise crossing the finish line. It was easy to tell they had lost hope too. Seeing so many children from such horrible back grounds, and never having a break through, most of my social workers didn't care anymore. You could see it in their eyes. Or when, they didn't know your background information and mixed up your file. Or confused you with another child they had on their caseload. There are so many things a social worker can do subconsciously to lose their clients trust. They're part of the reason why kids like me, are so messed up. Trust is the number one rule, in having a support system. If you can't trust your support system, how are they going to help fix you? How are all your other bodily systems going to fall into place? How will they know where to go? Our systems need guidance, and they won't start functioning again until they get that guidance. I've been saying all along that we seek guidance from our support systems. They direct us towards the right path. The rest of the fixing, that's up to us. We have to believe in our selves. We have to take the advice, guidance, and help, whatever our support systems have given us, and work towards the goal. Once you get to this goal, you'll fell proud, accomplished, and unstoppable. That's when our bodily systems start working again. Then, we'll begin setting more and more goals. Sometimes, we get over whelmed, and our goals don't get met. Our world comes crashing down on us. But, our support system will be there to catch us, to lift us up and put us in the right direction again. Our support systems are our lifelines. Without them, we'd be lost. So, think. Think long and hard about your own support system. Do you know whom yours consists of? Love them. Cherish them. Hold them close. Don't ever let them go. Do you have yours? I'm so close to having mine.

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here, waiting for Mark, in Derek and Addison's brownstone, on their tan sofa staring out the large glass window in their living room, past the street and the other brick townhouses staring back at me to the promised view of Central Park. The sky that was once lit up by the sun was now dark. In place of the sun, was the moon of course and the light from the streetlights that flicked every so often. It was when the streetlights came on; I began to get doubtful about his appearance. Addison had asked Mark to come pick me up because she and Derek had a lunch date with old friends of theirs, Savannah and Weiss. They had left, ensuring me that Mark would be here in no more then five minutes to come pick me up. Little did they know, that those minutes turned into hours of me sitting and looking out the window waiting for him. During this time, I memorized every inch of their living room. The interior decorations, everything from the tan colored furniture, to the grayish blue walls matched perfectly. The deep rich chestnut brown colored coffee table which sat in the middle of the room, and the complementing picture frames and curtains gave it a much needed warmth. It was as if the living room had magically popped out of a very expensive catalogue. Despite the beautiful interior design the brownstone had, the townhouse seemed empty to me. So empty to a point were the brownstone seemed unlived in. Unlived in, unloved. Emotionally deprived. Neglected and broken. I was afraid that if I were to touch or move, the whole room would shatter into a million little pieces. That's why I forced myself to remember every detail of the room, incase it were to do so. I straighten up my back and cup my hands tighter on my lap, as I continue to wait patiently for Mark. Finally, after what seems like forever, a car pulls up into the driveway, its headlights blind me. I get up off the sofa, my legs feeling like Jell-O, and I wobble my way over to the front door of the brownstone, opening it up before Mark can get out of the car.

I have to admit, despite being extremely excited that Mark's finally here, I'm very angry with Mark for forgetting me today. I've have saved up enough energy from sitting around all day, that I am ready for a fight. I mean, here I was all along thinking Mark was my best friend. Now, I feel ashamed with myself to have thought of our relationship to be that way. Like seriously, what planet was I on? No grownup wants to waste their time being best friends with a kid. I didn't hurt over the whole him standing me up though. I hurt because I had broken all my rules with him. I had learned to trust him, something I haven't done with somebody in so long. And now, I regret everything I ever told Mark. Mark had probably stood me up, to go met up and have sex with some chick. I know I should be happy for him, for finally sleeping with someone else other then Addison, but I felt like he was betraying her. I felt like he was betraying me. I felt like he was betraying my family. And for that, I now understand why Derek can't stand Mark.

The front doors to the car opens, and it's not Mark that steps out of the drivers seat, but Derek, and Addison steps out of the passenger seat. Derek then opens the door to the back seat of the car and the silence of the night, is broken by a little girls giggles.

"I missed the brownstone so much Uncle Derek!" the girl laughs and stretches her arms out for Derek to pick her up.

"Your Aunt Addie and I missed having you sleepover Chloe!" Derek informs her. "It has been quiet in Seattle without having you around."

The little girl laughs at this, and I run my fingers through my hair laughing to myself, unable to believe what my father is saying. It's all bullshit. It's all lies. It has been anything but quiet between Derek, Addison and I. And if I throw Mark and Meredith in the mix, the fights Derek and Addison share are basically as loud as a rock concert. Somebody could pretty much hear the two of them yelling at each other from miles away. Quiet without Chloe? Bite my ass.

Derek takes the girl into his arms, closes the car door behind him. He joins Addison and the three of them make their way up the driveway. Like a picture perfect family. Something, I'm beginning to doubt Derek, Addison and I would ever be, at the rate we're going anyway. As I watch the three of them carry on, walking up the driveway, I can't help but feel replaced by the little girl in Derek's arms. If things had turned out differently, and my father had known about me my whole life, that little girl, could have been me seven years ago.

"To bad my Mommy had to go save people lives and couldn't come have movie night with us and Uncle Mark and Aunt Amelia too. Do you and Aunt Addie still save people lives?" Chloe wonders, feeling doubtful.

"We're still surgeons Chloe, if that's what you mean. What makes you think Derek and I weren't doctors?" Addison questions as they begin to climb the brown wooden steps to the entrance of their townhouse, towards where I'm standing, blocking there way inside.

"Because you don't live in New York anymore and don't like Uncle Mark because Mommy said he sold your practice. Is that why you don't like Uncle Mark?"

Derek and Addison let out sighs, as they are forced to come to a halt, unable to get passed me standing in the doorway, unless they, one shove me out of the way or two, ask me to move, or option three, or I let them in myself.

"I didn't realize we were going to have a welcoming committee," Derek jokes quickly, greeting me, using my presence as an excuse to change the subject. "Chloe you remember your cousin Julia right?" He then asks the child.

Chloe nods her head enthusiastically. "You played with me and my cousins at the beach house."

I stare blankly at her, not wanting to say anything to not just Chloe but Derek and Addison as well. Seeing how Derek and Addison act with Chloe makes me jealous of her. I'm jealous of how attached she is towards the two of them. I'm jealous of her innocence. When I was Chloe's age, I hardly had any innocence. By the time I was her age, I had seen and went through so many horrible things, that my innocence was gone. To me, it's not fair that she gets to have innocence when I never did. I'm so tempted to take it all away. I'm so tempted to tell her the truth about Derek and Addison. I'm so tempted to tell her Mark slept with Addison. I'm so tempted to tell her Derek left because of that. And because he left New York, he did not only leave Addison, but Chloe as well. I can't bring myself to tell her these things because as a child, you need innocence to survive. Sometimes I wonder how I was able to survive without innocence. I wouldn't be here right now, if I didn't have any to hold onto. So, I'm guessing somewhere some how, I was able to find some and hold onto it. I guess, I must have had some hope.

"Uncle Derek?" Chloe asks, as the three of them continue to stand waiting for me to move to let them inside. "How come my new cousin isn't a baby? Aren't new cousins supposed to be babies? Like Aunt Meaghan's baby?"

Derek lets out another sigh. He's clearly not sure how to answer Chloe's question. I'm kind of happy Chloe asked the question though. I have a perfect response to it.

"I used to be a baby. " I tell Chloe. "But your Uncle Derek never loved me. Even when I was a baby he didn't love me. So, because he couldn't love me, he couldn't bring himself to look after me when I was a baby. So he gave me to mommies and daddies that could. But those people where even meaner than him. They didn't love me either. And now he just feels bad about everything but he still doesn't love me and he's just letting me live with him because the place I go to get knew mommies and daddies is making him because none of the new mommies and daddies want me." I explain, the best I can to a six year old, yet trying to make Derek feel bad about himself at the same time. I do kind of regret saying what I just did, but I mean hey, Chloe did ask the question and I gave her an answer.

I'm surprised by my reaction to the little girl. So surprised to a point where I am shocked with myself. I've never said anything that hateful to a child. I've been so over filled with emotions lately; I can't seem to be able to control them. Without thinking, I reach for the door handle and with all the strength I have, I close the door in their faces. I quickly lock it, and turn around with my back against the door breathing hard.

On top of the jealously I have towards Chloe, I'm extremely furious with Mark. I don't want anything to do with him at the moment. How dear he come over for a movie night after standing me up all day. I just didn't get it. I'm also frustrated with the way Derek and Addison are handling this. Don't they see I'm upset about something? Haven't they figured out by now that I never went out with Mark all day? They forgot about me too. Didn't they think to ask about me when they called Mark about coming to the movie night? Putting all that aside, Derek and Addison then have the guts to bring their niece into this whole thing. I honest to God don't understand what they are thinking at times. The three of us are having a hard enough time getting along as it is. And now, they're bringing Chloe into the equation?

I'm honestly in no mood for a movie night and the only person I am relatively looking forward to seeing is my Aunt Amelia. Even with her coming, I kind of don't want to be involved in this thing. The whole Chloe being so attached to Derek and Addison thing reminds me of how attached I used to be with Aunt Amelia. She reminds me of me when I was younger. Back before I thought she died and everything was okay as long as we were together. But then, Aunt Amelia had to over dose, and then everything wasn't okay anymore. I got to have Aunt Amelia for only one summer. Chloe gets to have Aunt Amelia her whole life. The same goes for Derek and Addison. I wish I were able to have Derek and Addison my whole life because then, maybe Derek would love me the way he loves Chloe. Maybe, then I wouldn't be as screwed up as I am now.

* * *

"Hey Chickie!" Aunt Amelia greets me, letting herself into the guestroom before I can tell her to get out. "I heard you and Derek had a little fight. Is everything okay?"

I don't bother to look up at her. I don't really know what to say to her to be honest. Derek probably told her his side of the story and now she's been sent up here to play peacekeeper. I shrug my shoulders, hug my knees tighter to my chest and continue to stare at the chestnut brown paisley pattern on the comforter of the bed, which I had to say complimented the deep red bedroom walls very nicely.

Aunt Amelia walks over and climbs up onto my bed facing me. I try to focus my eyes on the bedspread by tracing my finger around the pattern. Concentrating on the pattern didn't help any, and I couldn't help myself but to glance up to Aunt Amelia. The fight Derek and I had before her and Mark got here, wasn't exactly little. None of our fights are little to say the least. Derek was more or less mad at me, for getting Chloe upset because she now apparently thought Derek was the meanest person in the world, and because he didn't love me as a baby, she thought Derek didn't love her either. Chloe cried uncontrollable sobs non-stop for half an hour while Derek blamed me for ruining the night, before it even started. He did admit however, before leaving my room that he was sorry things worked out like they did in the past. He then went on to inform me that the past is the past and he hoped that somewhere down the line, we can work out our differences. The way Derek fraised his wording, it sounded like he wasn't talking to me, his daughter, but to an intern that didn't know any better or a colleague perhaps. Lastly before leaving my room, Derek told me that when I was ready to apologize to Chloe, it was only then that I could join the family movie night. Let's just say, I'm not planning to anytime soon.

"So did Derek send you up here to be peacekeeper?" I grunt, still extremely pissed off at him. I feel like I'm always going to be pissed off at him for one thing or another.

"No," Aunt Amelia shakes her head. "But I did come to see if you want to join us. Mark brought Chinese food and I brought Rocky Road ice cream. It's still your favourite right?"

I force a smile, nod and then look back down at my feet again. "I don't really feel hungry," I lie as my stomach growls, a result from not having eaten all day.

"Julia you need to stop finding an excuses to hate everybody who tries and helps you. You can't keep doing this to yourself. It isn't healthy."

I let out a sigh, knowing Aunt Amelia is right. Sometimes I just can't help myself though. I'm so used to shutting people out. It just has become natural to me. I have every right to be mad at Derek and at Mark. Yet, I know what I said to Chloe was wrong. She was just a kid. She didn't mean anything by her question. She was just curious. Something, everybody is at times.

"I can't control my emotions Aunt Amelia." I deluge. "They just get is pilled up so quickly and then they explode and I can't help it. I'm just so angry all the time. I didn't mean to say what I did to Chloe," I admit. "Mark stood me up and I couldn't bring myself to tell them. I'm so mad at him."

"You can tell all this to Kathleen tomorrow. But for now, confront Mark. He's downstairs. Tell him how you feel and apologize to Chloe."

I shake my head; to stubborn to take Aunt Amelia's advise. I can't picture myself going on about this stuff to Kathleen. I can't talk to Kathleen like I can with Aunt Amelia. I can't go down stairs either. Not after everything that just happened. Well actually that's a lie. That's not what's holding me back. Chloe has already taken over Derek and Addison. I'm afraid she'll take over Aunt Amelia and Mark from me too.

"God, you're just like your father." Aunt Amelia avows, and can't help but laugh as she tosses her head back. "Your so stubborn."

A small smile appears on my face. In my life, I never did imagine talking about this type of stuff with Aunt Amelia. Sure, I've always considered her my Aunt, but now we are actually related. We're biologically related. We share the same blood. I never thought seven years ago, that I would be sitting in the guest bedroom of my father's house, talking about genes with a non-dead Aunt Amelia. For that reason, I'm forced to tell her the truth.

"I'm scared to go downstairs because I don't want to lose you," I say, which now sounds kind of stupid the more that I think about it. "All they care about is Chloe. They all like Chloe better. They rather have Chloe around then me. You would too." I look up at Aunt Amelia with pleading eyes.

"When did I ever once say I would rather have Chloe around then you? You assume things too soon. You over think things. Chloe is Derek and Addison's niece. She's my niece. We are all family. That's just something you got to live with. You can't change who your family is." Aunt Amelia asserts, her blue eyes gleaming. It's clear she has more to say.

I don't know what planet Aunt Amelia's lecture is coming from, but the whole can't change family thing is a bunch of bogus. Think about it, how many families have I changed in the thirteen years of my life? To many to count. It's true you can't change who your parents are. But it's your parents who change your future. They decide if they want you to be in their family or not.

"No matter how attached Chloe is to Derek and Addison, you have something she doesn't have." Aunt Amelia continues.

"What's that?"

"You're their daughter." Aunt Amelia acknowledges.

"Aunt Amelia?" I ask curious, deciding to ignore the whole daughter part. Honestly, sometimes I feel anything but Derek Shepherd's daughter. "What do I get from you?"

"Your freewill. Your wild side." Aunt Amelia chortles, beaming, she reaches for a deep red pillow that's sitting behind me, and throws it at me.

"I'm not wild Aunt Amelia!" I insist.

But, at the same time, I can't help but laugh at that too. I catch it and fall backwards onto the piles of other pillows. I then sit up and throw the pillow back at her.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Aunt Amelia gets up off my bed, rolls her eyes and reaches her arm out for my hand. "What do you say?" She asks. "Are you ready to go downstairs?"

This is the type of thing that I'll never be fully ready to do. But, I have to apologize at some point. I slide off the bed and take Aunt Amelia's hand. Together we walk out of the bedroom. I guess, it's better to apologize sooner, rather then later.

* * *

Music fills our ears as Aunt Amelia and I enter the kitchen. _London calling to the far away towns. Now the war is declared and battle come down. London calling to the underworld. Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls_. Derek must have picked the music. I like the Clash too, but I don't dear mention it out loud. Derek would add it to his chocolate cake, ferry boats, and being stubborn list. He's stuffing a fork full of ginger beef into his mouth at the moment. It's pretty much all his plate of food consists of that, and a rather large pile of stir-fried vegetables. Ginger beef, is my favourite Chinese food dish too. But, that's going to be left unsaid, because liking Ginger beef will get added to the list as well. Addison is sitting the opposite of Derek. Every so often between bites, Derek glances up at her, hoping she'll return his glaze. Except that's not going to happen any time soon because Addison's too engaged with Chloe, convincing her to eat the vegetables on her plate, something the seven year old girl would much rather do without.

"Please sweetie?" Addison begs the child. "Just three more bites. Then you can get more chicken."

The little girl shakes her head, crosses her arms against her chest and kicks the legs of the chair with her feet. "It's no fair! Uncle Mark has already gotten three plates of chicken without having to eat his vegetables. Why do I have to eat my vegetables?"

Mark's standing across the room over the bar style garnet counter top plopping a spoonful of chicken fried rice on his plate. He reaches for the metal spoon shaped utensil in next box and dumps a helping of chicken chow mien. Next, he reaches for the sweet and sour chicken balls and adds some ginger beef, making the pile of food now a mountain.

"Come on Chloe Bear," Aunt Amelia joins in, hoping for a break through with the child. She walks over to the freezer and takes out two tubs of ice cream. Coffee and Rocky Road. "I brought ice cream for dessert. If you listen to your Aunt Addie, you can get both kinds."

"I hate vegetables!" Chloe pouts. "I don't want ice cream Aunt Amelia! I want chicken. Uncle Mark!" She whines.

Mark turns around and is about to start walking towards the dinner table, when he notices me lingering in the doorway of the kitchen. He doesn't give me a gritty greeting like he normally does. Instead, he just stands there awkwardly, knowing he did something wrong. Or maybe he's waiting for me to flip out. Trust me, it's something I want to do, and it's something that's gong to happen. Not just yet though. I have other plans. My stomach turns as my eyes move from his plate to the containers of ice cream Aunt Amelia is holding. I'm not in the mood for the Chinese food Mark brought; I never was in the mood for Chinese food to begin with. Mark continues to stand still, and I choose to ignore him. A smirk comes on my face, as I walk over to where Aunt Amelia is standing and take the tub of Rocky Road ice cream from her.

"You read my mind," I say, taking the lid of the container, I look around realizing I have no idea where the silverware drawer is, so I reach over the counter and take a spoon that was sitting in the box of chicken fried rice. I lick it off and then stick it in the ice cream. I then walk over to the table and sit down across from Addison and Chloe. I dig out a spoonful of ice cream and shove it in my mouth. Once he see's me eating, thinking it's safe, Mark comes over to the table and sits beside Chloe, while Aunt Amelia helps herself to a plate of food.

"How come you get ice cream?" Chloe snivels. "I want ice cream!"

"I thought you didn't want any," Derek recognizes, placing his fork down as Aunt Amelia takes a seat beside me.

"I just don't want vegetables. And she gets dessert without having to eat anything!" Chloe points to me, as if she's laying a law. A law that says you have to have vegetables before dessert.

"Would it kill you to eat some normal food?" Addison questions me.

"I did eat real food Addison," I enlighten her, lying. "Mark and I ate like all day. He took me to the most expensive restaurant in New York and let me order whatever I wanted. Right Mark?" My tone of voice is somewhat unbelievable. I don't really care. I just want Derek and Addison to realize Mark never came to pick me up.

"Mini D, what are you talking about?" Mark asks, eyeing me across the table, probably wondering what goes through my head.

I couldn't help but share a small smile with him, my eyes gleaming with evilness, excitement, and immortality. My plan so far was working. All I want is for Mark to admit he stood me up. That he decided to go have sex with a blonde bimbo rather then spending the day with a thirteen year old. Now, I'm beginning to think Derek and Addison lied about their lunch date. Maybe they didn't even go. Maybe they just said it as an excuse. Maybe they didn't want to have to put up with me all day. Maybe, they blew me off too, to go spend time with their niece.

"We didn't go out for dinner. Why would I take you out for dinner, when I told Derek and Addie that I was bringing over Chinese this morning?"

I seriously cannot believe what Mark just said. Had Derek, Addison, him and Aunt Amelia planned this movie night all day? Did nobody have the guts to tell me about it? Am I really that invisible to them?

"Then what did we do all day Mark?" I snap back at him, famished, offended, aching. I slam my spoon down on the table suddenly not feeling hungry at all.

Derek, I guess finally feels how hurt I am, because he glances up from his plate, his blue eyes bounce from me to Addison who finally returns his glaze and then to Mark, as we all wait for an answer. Mark opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. I hoping he has realized that he forgot me.

"Veronica asked me too meet with her to go over one of her cases, I meant to come get you, I did. Things just got a little carried away. I'm sorry Mini D." Mark broods, attempting to apologize, except his apology is more along the lines of a reasonable excuse, trying to cover up what he actually did with Veronica.

Mark bows his head unable to look at me. His eyes shift to his nearly empty plate, overflowed with despair and guilt. His actions very much like a child's, afraid to take the consequences. For a minute, I feel sorry for him. But then, I glance at the sofa in the living room—the seat where I sat for hours on end. The sorry-ness gets sucked out of me, and I myself am left speechless, unsure wither to be mad at him or let it go. My head turns towards Aunt Amelia, hoping she'll say something in my defense so I don't have too. She's unaware, too absorbed with Chloe, counting the vegetables the girl has left to eat. _One. Two. Three. Four._ Aunt Amelia looks up at me for a quick second and then back down to Chloe's plate of food. _Five. Six. Seven. Eight._ Or maybe she's trying to distract the little girl, knowing a storm about to come.

"Veronica? As in ditsy clueless hot blonde nurse Veronica? She didn't become a surgeon that fast did she? " Derek raises his eyebrows, finally becoming aware about the whole Mark not showing up. "What type of consult did she need Mark?"

"She…um…she…um…she," Mark stutters, realizing lying isn't going to help him out now. It's all too obvious.

"I waited for you all day!" I burst; my feet blot up from under me, and my hands slam down against the table. "You forgot me. You were the last person whom I thought was going to forget me. But you did! You blew me off to go fuck with some chick. Thanks a lot Mark. Some best friend you are!"

I've had enough of this family dinner. I've had enough of Mark. There is no way I'm going to sit though a movie with him. I didn't want to watch a movie with any of them to be honest. At this point, I doubt they would want to watch the movie with me. I reach for the ice cream container lividly unable to take the ghostly stares the four adults share with me. I try my best to ignore them, by concentrating on the ice cream container in my hands. My first thought is to take the ice cream container and run, but I decide to make my exit memorable. I decide to show Mark how much he hurt me. Now that I'm holding the tub of ice cream in both hands, I raise this above my head and turbulently chuck the ice cream at Mark. It flies through the air, nipping Mark's shoulder and splattering against the tan colored wall behind him. Addison gasps, Chloe starts crying and I take this as my cue to run.

My feet thump up the stairs, my eyes bolting and my head turning from side to side, attempting to find a hiding place, knowing that if I go into my room, somebody's probably going to come up after me. Yet, at the same time, I don't want to be found. I pound my feet to make everyone believe I'm going into my room. I slam the door from the outside a couple of times. I sneak quietly down the hallway. Slowly as possible, trying not to make a sound, I open a door on the left side of the hallway at the end. I walk into the room, closing the door behind me. I look around realizing I'm in Derek and Addison's bedroom. I sigh in relief knowing they probably won't think of looking for me in here. However, I figure I need to hide better just to make sure. A stray of light coming from inside another door gets my attention. I tiptoe across the master bedroom and squeeze through the crack.

Inside, I'm enclosed by racks upon racks of designer clothes and shoes. Addison's things are on the left. Derek's on the right. The smell of their sent loiter through my nose. Addison's perfume smells of orange, iris, jasmine and vanilla all mixed together. While Derek's cologne smells musky and leathery. I crawl into Derek side of the closet, I surround his dress suits around myself. Ralf Lauren. Calvin Klein. Paul Newman. I take one off the rack and use it as a blanket. I take another one to use as my pillow. But there's something that's in the way of where I want to lay my head down. My hands pick up a wooden box. My fingers trace over the smooth carvings. I move it around in my hands, shaking it a couple times, dying to know what's inside. I can't take the suspense anymore and open the box up. Inside, is a letter addressed to Derek in neat clean handwriting. I take out the letter, curious as too why he kept it hidden. That's when I notice my mother's name in the return address. My heart begins beating so fast it's about to pop out of my chest. Has Ainslie been keep in touch with Derek this whole time? Has Derek known about me my whole life? Why was there only one letter? I have millions of questions dying to be answered. The only way I'd get answers to the questions, is to open up the letter. I figure, because the letter is from my mother, I have every right to read it. My fingers automatically go to the back of the envelope. I attempt to rip it up, and after a few tires, looking more closely, I realize the letter already has been open. I yank the paper out of the envelope and quickly unfold it. The paper is worn, wrinkle and stained. I take a breath and start to read the letter.

"_Derek, _

_This letter is probably the most difficult thing I have written in my life. Well, I guess if we don't count Kate's eulogy. I know we are both trying to move on from Kate's death. I know we are both no longer on speaking terms. And, I know we shouldn't have let things between us get as bad as they did. After everything we've been through, I don't understand how you are willing to walk away just like that. I don't understand how easy your decision was to make. If Kate was alive, would that make you change your mind? Would it make my parents change their minds? They are forcing me into something I don't want to do. Yet, I feel obligated to do it, because I'll have nothing if I don't. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I'd said no when you showed up at my door. I wish Kate was alive because then, things would have been different for all of us. Everything would have been okay. They wouldn't have ended up like this. I'm sixteen. I'm still a kid myself. How am I supposed to go through this alone? I can't Derek. Maybe you can help convince my parents. Maybe there's another way. Maybe things don't have to be like this. _

_I'm not asking for you to love me, but to love her. She's partly yours after all. Do what's right for her, not for yourself. _

_As much as I hate you, I need you Derek._

_ -A"_

My hands are shaking as I stare at the paper. My own tears smudge the well tattered ink, replacing the dots from my mother. I didn't understand why my mother kept me, when so many people want her to have an abortion. Derek knew. He must have knew. Why else would he have kept the letter? I understood now, why my mother never talked about him. She didn't want me getting hurt. She did it too protect me. She did it out of love. She thought it was what was best for me. Maybe it was. Ever since I stepped into my father's office, all I've done is hurt. I've hurt for him. I hurt for me. I hurt for Ainslie.

That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I stand up, hurry out of Derek and Addison's bedroom, and throw myself down the stairs nearly tripping face first at the bottom and into the living room.

Chloe's mood is the exact opposite from the adults who were calmly relaxed, leaned back in whatever seats they were sitting in. She was excitedly jumping on the sofa. Derek reaches for the child, helping her into a sitting position and then calls out to Addison, I'm guessing because she's not in the room.

"Come on Addie," He urges. "We'll get Mini D to help clean up later. Leave it for her to do. She's the one that threw it."

I hear Addison sigh as she joins the rest of the family in the living room. She's about to sit down beside Derek, but realizes me standing in the entrance. Addison nudges Derek to get his attention and points up at me.

"So you knew?" I ask him my words shuttering as I hold the letter up in the air for him to see, tears spiraling down my face.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey, **

**This chapter, I wrote a bit differently. I added in Derek and Addison's POVs as well as Julia's. **

**I think, it was necessary to add them, it explains everything so much better. **

**Enjoy, **

**Happy reading. **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two **

Bones break. Organs burst. Flesh tears. We can sew the flesh. Repair the damage, ease the pain. But when life breaks down, when _we_ break down, there's no science, no hard and fast rules. We just have to feel our way through. And to a surgeon, there's nothing worse, and there's nothing better.

-** Grey's Anatomy**

**Julia's Flashback**:

_I force my tired seven-year-old body up the cold, hard, dark stairwell. The heavy CD player in my left hand is slowing me down. I try to go faster to get away from Peter, but I just can't. He's going to realize I'm gone soon and come after me. Peter thinks I sleep walk up here, because Evelyn ratted on me once. She isn't a very nice Nanny. The truth is that I am wide-awake when I come up here. I like coming up too the roof. A man Peter sold me too once told me the closer you are to the sky, the closer you are too heaven. He said heaven is where God is. God, he had said, watches over you. He knows your every move. He knows your life. Before taking my clothes off, that man had gotten down on his knees and prayed to God. He made me pray with him. I asked Evelyn about God when I got home. She babbled on about some angels and demon stuff, I didn't understand it. So I climbed up to the roof to ask Aunt Amelia. Every night, I climb to the highest point possible. I'd turn the CD player on and dance to mine and Aunt Amelia's favourite bands. The Clash. ACDC. Meatloaf. Queen. By the time I get to the highest point possible on the roof, I collapse onto the group. Normally I'm not this tired. Normally I have energy for dancing. But something bad happened today and Peter got mad. I had tired to runaway from the house where I film videos. While Peter and Jonah, the man who owns the video house were fighting about grownup stuff, I crawled out the window. I ran and I ran until I hid and then it got dark and I was scared. Peter had run after me. From where I was hiding, I could hear him calling my name. I didn't move. I was too scared. Then Peter said if I didn't come back, he would kill Dr. Montgomery. I cried and ran out of my hiding spot. So now, Peter was mad. When he got home, I knew he was going to hit me, so I ran for the roof. That's why I don't have any energy left. I hear footsteps. Peter must be coming. I jump down from the highest spot on the roof and start running. I run for the edge as Peter grabs my arm. I struggle, swinging my legs, trying to find ground to put my feet on. After about five minutes, Peter hand starts to slip off mine. I look down to see why my feet aren't touching anything. It's then I realize I jumped off the building. I look up at Peter with terror in my eyes. "I'm sorry Peter. I'm so sorry." I say, squeezing my eyes shut and tears begin to fall. It's been a long time since I cried. "I won't run away ever again. I'm sorry. Don't hurt Dr. Montgomery. Please Big Daddy. Don't hurt me either." I beg. "I'm only seven." Peter pulls me up and places me on the ground. "Don't ever. EVER. Try anything stupid like that again. You almost lost me a lot of business. Do you understand sugar?" I nod my head as Peter looks away from me in disgust. "I forbid you from coming up on this roof. If I catch you, up here again, I'm going to slice your neck off." Peter then starts to drag me into the apartment building. There was nothing I could do now. _

**Derek's POV**-

My patients see me as a god. A god who can make everything better just by fixing their problems. I don't want to come off cocky, but I am pretty damn good at what I do. When I operate, I do fix most of my patients' problems, the medical ones. For that, because I have one of the highest success rates in America, I'd like to think of myself as a god. But it's something I can't do. A god to me is perfect at everything. They fix everyone's problems. That's something I can't do. I'm only good at fixing the problems related to the brain and nervous system. When it comes to all the other things, my patients other problems, I can't fix those. I do not know how to fix the things I can't operate on. I'm good at what I do, but just not that good. That's why there are other doctors whom specialize in different fields. They can fix the things I can't. People often forget we aren't gods. We are human. We make mistakes just like them. I often tend to hide my problems, smuggle them away into the back of my mind. I seldom let my problems affect my performance in the OR. I enjoy the OR for the peace and quiet because for once I can get away from everything going on outside of there. Inside the OR, I can get away from the gossip. Inside the OR I try to be a god. I focus on the patient on the operating table and nothing else. Over the last several months, it seems like no matter where I go, the gossip follows me. I can't get away from it. The more I try and ignore things, it just gets worst. First it was Addison showing up in Seattle that got my colleagues talking. The whispers. The pointing. The stares. Things didn't cool down until chose Addison over Meredith. I made my choice trying to be a better man. Addison and I have been married eleven years. That's eleven years of working together. Eleven years of holidays. She was and still is part of my life. I couldn't throw things away that easily. Even after her sleeping with my best friend, in my bed, on my favourite sheets, I still forgave her. I loved her, or I do love her. I admit I haven't figured it out yet. It's hard to know the truth after hearing the amount of gossip that goes on within the walls of Seattle Grace. My colleagues most of the interns any way, aren't too happy with my choice. Most of them ended up siding with Meredith. Most of them don't see me as a god, but as a coward who lied to their best friend. They aren't the only people who see me as a coward, but my daughter as well. She despises me for not keeping her. For convincing her mother's parents that abortion was the best thing at the time. Ainslie was only sixteen and I was a broke med school student. I didn't see how keeping a baby was going to work. We weren't in love and we defiantly weren't ready to be parents. At the time, I thought it was for the better. Ainslie had her whole life ahead of her, while I had a dream to pursue. I mean it wasn't rocket science to know that being 16 and pregnant didn't look too great on a college application. It was her parents whom suggested the abortion first. They had just suffered from the trauma of losing a daughter, and didn't want to through even more "trauma" as they put it, with their youngest daughter being pregnant. Ainslie of course turned to me for support. When I had received the letter Ainslie sent, it was when I recently started dating Addison. For the first time in a long time, I found love I never knew existed and even with Kate, the love we shared wasn't like mine and Addison's. Somehow, I just knew she was the one. Having a baby with another women would just screw everything up. So I did the opposite of helping Ainslie convince her parents to have the baby. While doing so, I admit, I never felt so guilty in my life. I was selfish. I put my life first instead of my unborn baby. Now, I'll never forgive myself for what I did. Maybe that's why I kept the letter. I don't know how many times I have read and reread that thing hoping maybe somehow Ainslie didn't listen to any of us. Hoping Ainslie kept the baby. There were times I'd picture what she'd turn out like. Who she'd look like. Whose personality she'd have. When I married Addison, I knew I couldn't go on thinking and hoping like this. It was time to move on. So, I pushed it into the back of my mind. I let myself believe it was for the best. I brainwashed myself into thinking Ainslie had an abortion. I let it go. Then, my daughter showed up at the hospital. She was there. She was more or less I, despite having a very similar personality to Amelia's. She was mine. I didn't know what to do at the time. Besides from being completely shocked about her appearance, I was angry. I was angry with Ainslie for keeping her from me. I was angry with Ainslie for having the child. For making her go through a life of hurt, a life of hell. While my little girl was suffering all these years there was nothing I could do about it. She was angry at me, while I was angry with myself and with her mother. I went to far, taking my anger out on my child. So now, Mini D has every right to believe I am a coward. She has every right to hate me. I've hurt her in so many ways more then her mother ever did. She thought I was a god. She thought I was a superhero. I let her down. I let Addison down. I let Meredith down. I let myself down. I am Derek Shepherd. I am a world-class neurosurgeon. I save lives every single day. Yet, I couldn't save the one most important to me. I couldn't save my daughter. Sometimes, I wish people would see that I am anything but a god.

She stood there with her body shaking, tears staining her cheeks, holding Ainslie's letter her hands. She stood there. I stood there. Addison stood there. Then, the room started spinning. Slowly at first. Slowly enough to correspond to Amy and Mark leaving, taking Chloe with them. Then, it started spinning faster and faster until there wasn't Addison. There wasn't any furniture on the floor. There weren't any paintings on the walls. We stood there. Just the two of us. The room had no doors and no windows. We were trapped inside our minds, unable to escape. So she stood there. I stood there. For a minute, I thought I could reach inside of her. I thought I could reach into her brain and take out all the horrible memories she had in there. I wanted to sow her up. Make everything go away. I wanted to be the superhero she wanted me to be. I wanted to be the god so many patients want me to be. I knew I couldn't fix her. I couldn't go back and change time. So she stood there. I stood there.

"You lied!" Julia yells at me, each of her words sounding like a bullet slamming into my chest. "You knew and you never came to look for me. You never cared. You knew all along!"

I sigh running my figures through my thick curls. Julia is very much like me. She's very much like Amy. She assumes things too soon. She never gives other people a chance to talk. Julia's very stubborn. Very head strong.

"I didn't know," I try to explain, praying she'll stay around long enough to listen to what I have to say before running upstairs. I can never find the right words to say to her. Everything I seem to say throws her off. Sometimes, I just don't anything. Even that gets her mad. "You have to trust me Mini D. I didn't know."

"But you knew. You obviously knew if you kept the letter Dr. Shepherd," Julia addresses me.

She often calls me Dr. Shepherd when she's angry with me. Being called Dr. Shepherd is better then getting called jackass. I'm happy that phase is over with.

"You're back to calling me Dr. Shepherd I see," I joke as Julia's face turns into a look of disgust Like I said, I never know what to say in these types of situations. I feel as if that would be something Mark would say. I really wish he were here right now to be honest. Maybe then, he'd help me explain things to her. Mark's has been there for me all throughout this whole thing. He's helped me keep it a secret. Plus, him and Mini D are best friends apparently; I mean maybe not right now, because she's upset with him too. Maybe she'll believe me more, if Mark is there to back me up.

"Oh my god," Julia begins. "I cannot believe you just said. I don't need to deal with another freaking man-whore Mark right now! Seriously. Admit you knew. Admit you didn't want me. Are the words that hard to spit out of your mouth?" She prattles, yet at the same time, Mini D is making it seem like I am the child.

"Let me explain, please Mini D." I beg her, hoping for the best.

"Explain? Derek there's nothing to explain." She huffs.

"There's a lot more then you think," I mumble under my breath.

This somehow catches Julia's attention, as she raises her eyebrows at me. I didn't think I had said what I did loud enough for her to hear it. In a way, I am kind of happy I did. I hoping now, she'll finally listen to me before going off on me again. "I'm going to tell you the truth. I'll tell you as much as you want to know." I promise her. "It might not be easy for you to hear. But you deserve the whole truth. I Derek Shepherd promise to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth," I say, as if I'm in a witness in a court room, being questioned for a crime I saw. "But you have to promise me, that you won't interrupt, scream or yell at me until I'm finished. Okay?"

Julia doesn't respond, she just stares ahead at me blankly. Her tears are dry, her face now whipped of emotion, unsure what to feel. I take this as my cue to go ahead with the promise. It's going to be a long promise, that's for sure.

"Maybe you should sit down," I suggest to my daughter before starting the story. Mini D rejects, shaking her head now unable to look at me. I sigh a deep sigh and begin the long explanation. "You know your mother was sixteen when she was pregnant with you?" I ask, to make sure Julia and I are on the same page. I've told her some of the story to a point, when she first showed up to my office. However, I'm not sure how much of that she really heard. When Julia doesn't respond, I continue. "I told you about Kate and the funeral right?" I question again, not too sure why I'm doing so. I'm not expecting a response from her. "A couple months after the funeral, Ainslie wrote me that letter. She was still unsure if she should get an abortion or not. She wrote that she wanted me to convince her parents into letting her have the child." I stop, taking a breath and giving Julia a minute to take in what I just said.

"So you convinced them?" Julia interrupts. "You had to have convinced them because I wouldn't have been born if you didn't. Right Derek?"

Our eyes meet each other's. Her eyes sparkle with hope, my eyes are dark with guilt. I turn my head away from her. She's going to hate me for what I'm going to say next. I promised her I'd tell her the truth. I figure I owe her that much at least.

"I went behind Ainslie's back and convinced her parents to go through with the abortion. Mini D….I—" I finally get the courage to look up at her. I'm tempted to apologize. I know I should. It's not going to make everything better though. "Ainslie had her whole life ahead of her. I was in med school. I had no money. Her parents would have cut her off if she had you. We would have had no money. We didn't love each other. We weren't in an environment were we could raise a baby. I had started dating Addison. I knew she was the one. I...you…" I stumble trying to explain the complicated story the best I can.

"You thought I would be an inconvenience. Didn't you?" Julia bellows at me. "You probably still think that."

Mini D looks away from me, her eyes shifting to the stair well. I wasn't sure why I was having such a hard time telling her what happened. In a way, I was torturing both of us. I was torturing my daughter with the truth while I got to relive the whole thing. Memories of Kate fill into my mind. Memories I've tried so hard to forget. I close my eyes, trying to get rid of them. It isn't exactly helping when Ainslie replaces Kate's face. Her prefect blonde hair, warm brown eyes. Her smile, something I saw on Julia every so often. I shake my head abhorrently. What the hell was I thinking? Did I actually have feelings for Ainslie at one point? Sleeping with her was a mistake. At least that's what I made my mind believe. I was 24, Ainslie 16. God, what kind of sick pervert was I? My eyes bolt open, as I try and focus on my daughter standing in front of me.

"We were young. We were grieving Mini D. Ainslie and I didn't know what the hell we were doing," I reveal, hoping that would make the situation better. Somehow, I doubt it did.

"That's a bunch of bull shit!" She screams, her voice flooding the room. "Maybe my mother didn't know what she was doing. You did. You were in fucking med school. That means you at least have got to be 23. You're such a freaking pervert!"

I look at Julia in disbelief. How the hell did she know I was just thinking that?

"I was 24," I mumble correcting her. Yet, at the same time wishing I never did.

"That's even worst! God!" Mini D exclaims having just about enough of this. "Do you want to know something?" She asks me, but before I can answer she continues. "I don't know how many times in my life I wished I was never born. Maybe I would have forgave you for not wanting me, if you convinced Ainslie's parents and my mother to actually follow through with the whole thing! But you couldn't even do that right!" Julia hollers at me, her feet shifting towards the stair well. "I hate you Dr. Shepherd! You're a fucking jackass!"

My body trembles as I watch my daughter run up the stairs and out of sight hearing a door slam. Maybe I spoke too soon because the jackass phase obviously isn't over. The words she said to me hurt almost more then anything else she ever did. Wrecking my office. Becoming best friends with Mark. Crashing Addison's car. All the lies she told. Stealing Addison's purse. Drowning. I grip the stairs railing for support suddenly feeling rather weak. I feel arms wrap around me as I breath in Addison's famous sent. Then, it hit me. Mini D was right. Everything thing she went through, was my fault. If Julia weren't born, she wouldn't be broken. She wouldn't be unfixable. Mini D would have been an angel. I am Doctor Derek Christopher Shepherd. Those lives I save everyday mean nothing to me. The only life I want to save is my daughters and I can't even do that.

* * *

**Julia's POV**

I didn't know what time it was, or how long I've been locked up in my room. Those things didn't seem to matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I didn't seem to matter anymore. Throughout my whole entire life, I'd constantly ask myself why I was born. Now, it's the same question but in a different way. Why did my mother have me? There obviously was no purpose for me to be living. I had no purpose at all. I wasn't anything to anyone. I'm certainly not important. Secretly, I wish Derek had gone through with the abortion. That way, I wouldn't have been put through hell and back. The more I think about it, Derek tried to do what was best. As much as it hurt me, it was the truth. It's what everyone wanted but my mother. Even though my mother followed through having me, look where it got her. I Julia Carolyn Shepherd was an inconvenience to everyone. So, it was time for me to go.

I slide off my bed, walk across the bedroom and open the door a crack. I peek out into the dark hallway relieved that Derek and Addison are asleep. I tiptoe down the stairs, slide into my shoes and out the front door. I wasn't sure where I was going. I just knew I wasn't wanted here.

* * *

The steps have been memorized in my mind as I climb up the stairwell. Despite not having been in this building for several years, everything's crystal clear. I'd climb the staircase every night when I was younger, up to the roof. I'd stand on the highest part, and look up at the night sky. I was closer to heaven that way. Closer to Aunt Amelia. Evelyn talked to me about angels once. She explained they looked out for you. Kept you safe from the evil demons. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to believe her. At the time, I couldn't understand why the angels had taken my beloved Aunt Amelia away from me. Evelyn told me it was the demons doing. When Peter was away on trips, at night, I'd often catch her going around the condo chanting weird spells, in a language I didn't understand. It scared me. Her. Peter. It all scared me. The roof was my only escape. The only place I could go to get away from everything. By the time I finish climbing the twenty something flights of stairs, I'm out of breath, and my ribs still hurt, a side effect from not taking the medication today. I shove the brass door open in front of me as I step out into the smog filled air; I become blinded by the city that never sleeps. Despite the noise of the wide-awake city below me, I find it peaceful up here. My toes curl over the edge of the roof. A gust of wind comes by blowing my hair back. Then there's another one and another one. I spread my arms out, as I overlook the landscape below. People pass quickly and the cars pass slowly. I begin to flap my arms, as if I have wings. I want to be a bird. I want to be an angel. I want to be anything but me. I want to fly. I want to get away from here—even if it is just for a little while. Through the thick smog, I'm able to smell the intoxicating sent of alcohol, smoke, and the harbors salt water. Far away there's the honk of the ferryboats horn. I feel at home. I feel like I'm in Seattle. Down below, somebody yells. He begins to point up at me and people gather in front of the apartment building. They think I'm going to jump. It sounds like a good idea. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I haven't described yet. I'll have to soon though before the police come. If they catch me up here, they'll ship me back to Derek and Addison—or critically thinking another group home. I don't think they signed a legal document saying there my guardians. Despite Derek being my father, in reality my mother still has custody of me, I mean unless the state has changed the papers, so if she does ever decide to come back, Ainslie could take me away from Derek in an insistent. Maybe going back to her and the life I had before foster care would be better then what I have now. I bend my knees, wondering what it would be like to jump. Wondering what I'll turn into when my body hits the cold hard cement. The thought of nothingness fills my mind, and then it's Frank. Elizabeth. Jeff. My body shivers knowing their waiting for me. Maybe I'd be better off with them. Maybe I'd be better off rotting in the ground. Maybe, just maybe I'm better off being alive. I don't know. I can't decide. I wish someone could make this decision for me. Derek or perhaps Addison. Aunt Amelia or even Mark. I don't know what their decision would be, but I finally have mine.

Strong-ness wraps around me and I'm locked against a muscular body. Suddenly I'm being lifted away from the roof's edge. For a second, imagine an angel. He carries me as we soar. Soar into the great beyond, I soar into my next life. Then, I'm placed down on the hard ground. I'm back on Earth.

"What the hell where you thinking?" A voice booms. It's a line I know all too well. "You're going on to everyone saying you're not suicidal and yet you're about to jump off a building. If I haven't of seen you. If I haven't of got here in time. Mini D, do you know what could have happened to you?" The man worries.

Of course I know what would have happened too me. I wouldn't have been standing on the edge of the roof if I hadn't been thinking about it.

"I could have died Mark," I state the obvious, all the while giving him the cold shoulder. I'm still kind of pissed off at him for forgetting me today. "It's not like you'd care anyway. I mean, you forgot me today, so it's not like you'd notice I was dead."

"Seriously? Mini D?" Those words are always a start to a lecture. "Don't you think for a second that I wouldn't care. I'm sorry I forgot you. I was stupid. I'm a man-whore, I'm not denying it. But you're thirteen. You have your whole life ahead of you to peruse your dreams. You have people who love you—"

"Who Mark?" I interrupt him. "Who loves me?" I then demand, curious as to what he'd say. Aunt Amelia is a given, but who else is there?

"You're my best friend Mini D. I love you. Amy loves you and so does Addison. Even Derek, though he has a funny way of showing it."

"Derek doesn't love me Mark!" I insist. "He wanted Ainslie to have an abortion. Even after Ainslie begged him to help her keep me, he still went and convinced her parents about it!"

"That's because he thought would have been best for you. He convinced Ainslie's parents with your best interests in mind. Derek did what he did because he knew you deserved better. Derek did everything out of his love for you! Open your eyes Mini D. Derek isn't as bad of a person as you think he is!" Mark exclaims, defending his former best friend.

What Mark just said about Derek surprises me. The two of them have been at war since the first day I met them. Now, I find it very strange Mark's suddenly defending Derek. The more I think about it though Mark does have a point. I let out a sigh of defeat, cross my arms against my chest and shuffle my feet. Grownups knew the right answers for everything. It just wasn't fair.

"I'm going to take you home," Mark says after a while, having not responded to his last comment. "Derek and Addison are probably worried sick."

"Yeah right," I mutter under my breath. "They probably haven't noticed I'm missing." My tone of voice is loud enough so only I can hear.

"What was that?" Mark raises his eyebrows. Maybe he heard more then I thought he did.

"Nothing," I mumble trying to cover up what I just said. The last thing I want is another lecture from Mark. "I said I don't want to go back to the brownstone. Please Mark. I don't want Derek or Addison. I just want Aunt Amelia. Take me to my Aunt Amelia!" I order him.

"I'll call Amelia for you," Mark bargains with me. "But I'm still taking you home."

"No!" I shake my head, sounding like a child. "I'm not going!"

Me being as stubborn as I am, I am determined to get my own way. So I do the unthinkable. I slowly begin to walk towards the edge of the roof again. One foot after another. I consternate on what's ahead of me, trying not to look back at Mark. I'm not going to jump this time. I just want him to think I am, so he'll feel guilty and give me what I want. I close my eyes, imagining I'm little again. I imagine Mark's Peter and I need to get away.

I feel fingers clasp around my wrist and I quickly fight them off.

"Stop Peter!" I squeal, trying to ply the hand that's holding onto my arm. "Peter!" I shriek.

The hand jolts from my wrist and with the other one, they grasp my arms against my sides. I struggle to break free, but there's no use. The arms around me are just too strong.

"Its Mark Mini D," Mark's soft voice corrects me, he turns my body around to face him. "Whose Peter?

I look up. I look down. I look to the left. To the right. Backwards and forwards. The last thing I want to do is tell Mark who Peter was. I should have controlled my trauma better. I used to be able to hide it well, but I haven't been doing that lately. I don't understand why. I let out a huff, now being officially defeated. The only way I'll get Mark to shut up about Peter is if I agree to go back to the brownstone.

"Fine," I mumble pouting. "Take me back. But you can't tell Derek and Addison what happened."

"But Mini D—" Mark begins.

"No buts Mark," I tell him, it's as if I'm the parent and he's the child. "Take me or leave me."

Mark chuckles, liking my version of the famous take it or leave it quote. He's not the only one that can make a horrible situation laughable.

"Fine," He repeats my pout and nudges me towards the door. "Let's get a move on."

* * *

I stomp rather loudly into the Brownstone, wanting to bring awareness to Derek and Addison that I'm back. Just in cause, they haven't realized I was gone. I make sure Mark goes inside first, so I get the privilege of slamming the door. I slam it hard enough to make the pictures hanging on the wall shake, one, a painting of a starry night sky falls to the ground, the glass shattering across the floor into tiny little pieces. I look up from the painting to see Derek and Addison standing in front of me. Let's just say they aren't the happiest people in the world.

"Again Julia?" Addison says, as she crosses her arms over her chest, her face furious. "I understand your upset with Derek. You just can't runaway every time you are. We were worried sick. This isn't a free for all young lady."

Yawning, I sigh heavily and roll my eyes while my feet start for the stairwell. Honestly I like Addison. I really do but sometimes; she takes things way out of proportion. Addison's just like Janet in away, always wanting to tell me want to do. They're always the ones getting mad at me, calling me young lady. I mean, yeah sure Mark gets mad at me, but he gets over it in like two seconds and Derek well, Derek is Derek. There's nothing more to say about him.

"Whatever Addison," I pretend not to care, walking up a few steps but then stop both my hands clasping the stairwell as more pain kicks in. I really should have taken that medicine. I probably would have if Addison and Derek had told me where it was. I refuse however to let them know how much pain I'm in. I don't need any more of their pity.

"Where do you think your going?" Derek asks. "We're not finished talking to you."

"Well I'm done talking to you Dr. Shepherd," I grumble as I make my way up the rest of the stairs and into my bedroom slamming the door a few times, before flopping down on my bed.

I've seriously had enough of this. Sometimes, I honestly wish that never did find my father. I wish that I never shown up at Seattle. I should have just sucked it up and went on with foster care, and then none of this would have happened. My memories wouldn't of came back and my father would remain unknown, still as a superhero I wanted him so badly to be. I honestly don't know what good came of finding Derek. I'm beginning to doubt that I will never find out.

* * *

**Addison's POV**

Julia's cries fill the darkness of the night. Her voice feels far away and unfamiliar. I wonder how far I'd have to walk to find her. A protective, nervous feeling fills my stomach as I jolt up right in bed. The teenager sounds more or less like a child. A young, forgotten, loved child. She sounds like a child whose just been hurt, or woken up from a horrible dream, and is calling out for her mother. She's calling out to me. I swing my feet over the side of the bed and the sink into the wool carpet as Derek stretches beside me and impels his body up into a sitting position.

"What's going on?" He mumbles, rubbing his eyes. "Where's Mini D?" He then asks, his head moving around worried.

"She probably had another nightmare," I figure as Derek gets up about go calm his daughter. "I'll go," I say standing up heading for the guestroom. "She's asking for me. And you and her, well aren't exactly on good terms right now."

Derek pushes his hands though his thick curls and lets out a heavy sigh.

"I don't know what to do any more Addie," he confesses, his voice cracking as he puts is head in his hands. "I hurt her. I hurt her so much. I can't forgive myself for it. I hurt you. I just want to make things better. I don't how. I screwed up so much, Addie. Will you ever forgive me?"

Eyes glue to my husband, ignoring his daughter's screams. I was never aware he had this much guilt piled up inside. I hadn't realized how much he changed since Julia showed up in Seattle. Derek Shepherd had reached his breaking point, and I had never thought I'd see the day. I know I've made mistakes too. I'm part at fault for our marriage turning out the way it is now, but I'm trying to work on things. Except it's kind of hard to do considering Mark is pretty much every where we are. All I can say is that I'm trying, and now that there's a kid in the picture, Derek and I have to try harder.

"I forgive you Derek." I avow softly. I turn my body away from him. "Get some sleep. Tomorrow you can try talking to Julia again. Kathleen is coming. We'll figure everything out then."

"I love Addie," he murmurs rolling onto his side.

I hurry down the hallway not able to say anything back. 11 years ago never thought our marriage would end up like this. Sure I pictured kids. But, there was never a right time. I never pictured Derek having a child that wasn't mine. And now, it seemed like there would never be a right time to have children of our own. For now, I guess all I can do is live my fantasy out in her.

"What happened?" I coo, letting myself into the guestroom to a teenager with bed head hair, tear stained cheeks and dark circles under her eyes.

"It…It…It…" she stumbles, her breaths shorten almost impossible to make out what Julia is saying. "H-H-Hurts. So," She stops, as an uncontrollable round of crying kicks in. After a while of trying to get it under control, Julia continues. "mun-ch. I-I-I can't st-stop." Julia shutters, hugging the pillow she's holding tighter to her chest.

"It's okay," I hum, trying to get her to calm down. "You gotta breathe. Slow down. It's okay."

The brunette rapidly shakes her head, her curls bouncing from side to side. "N-NO!" She insists, gulping for breaths of air. "Make it stop. Please Addie." Julia begs.

The teenager seldom calls me Addie. It's almost always Addison. I figured it was because she was never comfortable enough with me yet. I stare at the young girl confused, not sure if she wants me to make the hurt stop or the crying.

"What to you want me stop?" I interrogate, trying to get to the bottom of this. "You have to tell me what's wrong Mini D. I'm not a mind reader."

Derek's child, being as stubborn as him, does the opposite of elaborating to me the problem. Instead of doing want I want her to, she squeezes her eyes shut and turns her head away. For a second, I debated calling Amelia. Lately, it seemed she was the only person able to calm Julia down in these types of situations. Neither Julia nor Amelia talked much about their encounter when Julia was younger after the whole drowning thing. I'm sure the two of them talked about it together, but nothing more was said other then the things said before Julia drowned. The bond the two of them share is unbelievable. It's left me so curious that I'm dying to know more about this child's past. As unbearable as it may be.

"My stomach," Julia manages to inform me before another pile of tears rolled down her cheeks.

Then, I finally realized what she meant. Derek and I had been gone all day and then with all the drama that happened, we were too assumed with ourselves to remember to give the teenager the painkillers. I hated myself for forgetting to show her where I had put them.

"I'm so sorry Mini D," I attempt to apologize, "I'm going to go get them right now."

* * *

In a few minutes, I'm back in Julia's bedroom, sitting on the edge of her bed with four pills in hand and a glass of water in my other. I give her two of the four and pass over the glass of water.

"Take two for now," I demand. "If the pain doesn't go away, we'll take two more later okay?"

Julia nods, her eyes now dry she takes the pills. She hands me back the glass of water and I put it on the nightstand.

"Lie down, and take some deep breaths," I instruct.

Julia pleasantly flops her worn out body onto the mattress her breathing now back to normal. She shuffles around, trying to get comfortable yet having a hard time doing so.

"Addie?" Julia whispers sitting back up again. "I'm sorry I threw ice cream at your wall. I meant to hit it at Mark. I'm sorry for going up to the roof," Julia divulges. "I'm sorry for almost jumping. Can you stay with me tonight?" She questions, her voice ever so soft and quiet. It was hard to think, that just a few moments ago, Julia was having a panic attack. "I don't want to stay here by myself."

I look at her concerned, unaware and not sure of what she meant by the whole roof and jumping thing. There obviously was something Julia and Mark weren't telling me. Come to think about it, there's obviously a lot of things Julia isn't telling me. I know, how hard it is for the child to ask for something, so I decide to put it aside. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it tomorrow, when Kathleen gets here. For tonight, for right now, I just want the girl to be safe.

I nod, and without saying anything crawl my tired body into bed beside my stepdaughter. We both lay there for a while, our breathing soothing each other. When Julia finally thinks it safe. When she finally thinks I'm asleep, I feel the mattress sink in as her light tiny body falls in beside mine. Her arms clasp over top of me as Julia lets out a deep, peaceful sigh. My eyelids begin to get heavy, and eventually I can't force my eyes open anymore. I close them, and become welcomed by darkness. It's then I realize, the bond Amelia and Julia share is not the bond I'm curious about. I'm curious about the one I share with her-the bond I'm going to have with my daughter.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N : **

**I'm sorry this chapter is so late in regards to getting posted. I've had finals the last two weeks, and writers block. **

**In the next couple of chapters, Amelia is going to go back to wherever she came from and from there, I could either option A : make it Amelia's idea to bring Julia back to where she lives for the summer, It'd probably be a short chapter just of what they did, or something, and then the chapter after that jump into the beginning or school, or option B; jump right into the end of summer, without the chapter with Amelia and Julia being together...**

**I've mentioned the quint babies from season 2 episode 10. I know I'm writing more towards the end of season 2...but because Mark's a main character, lets just say he never went back to New York and stayed in Seattle after his first appearance on the show- so the story makes more sense. I picked the cause about the quints, because I feel like it was one Julia could relate to. **

**If you have ideas on what you want to happen, PM me or leave a review and let me know, and I'll do my best to fit them into the story somewhere. **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision.

There's a part of the world that we are literally blind to.

The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored.

Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny.

**- Grey's Anatomy; Meredith Grey **

_Peter's been driving for a while. He hasn't said anything to me. Peter's still very upset at me for running away. I don't exactly know where Peter is taking me, but I have a feeling he is sending me back to Little Flower. Peter pulls his car up in front of a big brick building covered in color chalk drawings, it's windows covered with bars. Peter orders me to get out of the car, and I have no choice but to listen. As I slide off the seat and onto the pavement, the thought of begging him to let me stay at his condo comes into my mind. I'd rather stay with Peter then be put back into this jail. "Please Peter!" I beg as he drags my seven-year-old body along the sidewalk. "I promise to listen. I'm sorry for running away. I don't want to come here. Please." I cry while Peter barges through the doors of the building. Kids stop and stare as Peter continues to drag me down the hallway- kicking and screaming. Grownups start running towards us, there are some in suits whom look like policemen, and the others are just wearing normal clothes. Two policemen looking guys take me from Peter. They each lock their arm around one of mine and hold me so I can't get away. I still struggle, kicking my feet and swaying my body. I scream, as Peter walks away, not even saying goodbye. The men carry me down the hall into a closed room. There are mats that cover the floor, and also the walls are padded. The policemen tell me I'm not allowed to come out until I calm down. They say this room is the lock in room and a social worker will come check on me soon. When they leave, I scream some more. I throw my body onto the walls over, and over again. I kick my feet while pounding my fists against the door. I don't want to be in here. I want Peter to come back, because the lock in room is like a prison. A social worker looks at me through the small window, as I attempt to break free a few more times. The social worker walks away while I yell at her to come back. After a while, I flop my exhausted body down onto the mats. I start crying. I cry and I cry and I cry. I cry because I wished I jumped off the building before Peter found me. I cry because I want to be with Aunt Amelia. I cry because nobody loves me and I'm all alone. My hateful screams surround me, almost as if the walls of the room were caving in on me. Its Aunt Amelia I'm hateful for. I hate her because she left me. I hate her because she's somewhere I can't be. The only way I could be with her, I realize is if I die too. Right now, I think I'd rather be dead then in this stupid lock in room. _

My life, isn't exactly bright and shiny right now, in fact it's the total opposite. It's no secret, that I haven't had the best childhood. Oh, lets not forget the fact my childhood hasn't been too bright and shiny either. But then again, it has not been as bad as my life has been recently. I think it's because that blind spot in my eye picked and chose the memories I wanted to remember, especially when I was younger. It attached me to the good memories—not that there was very many of those and blinded me from the unspeakable ones. Up until I was 12, I couldn't remember the vast majority of my childhood. Even when I turned 12, I could only remember certain memories of my mother and foster care. Though, I couldn't remember most memories I felt trapped, I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. It was as if half my life was missing. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why things didn't feel right. The more I tired to figure things out, the more I forgot, the more I didn't want to remember. It was as if my childhood was blind to me. Then, after finding out who my father was, I started to remember. The closer I came to finding Derek, the more things I remembered. Even after I found Derek, the memories didn't stop coming. There was a part of me, that wanted to remember these things but there was another part of me, which was holding me back from remembering them. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored my memories. Maybe, instead of locking them away I should have faced them; because maybe ignoring these memories are part of the reason to why I turned to the way I did. Ignoring my memories could have been the result of the many problems I have consumed throughout my life. Now, I am beginning to think that maybe its time I stop running away from them, and begin to face the nightmares from my past. Maybe, this is the only way I'll be able to break free from pain and monsters I have encountered. It's my turn to fight, to be strong, and to start working towards a better life. My memories aren't going to go away, but I need to learn to face them. I'm hoping that from talking to Kathleen today, she'll help teach me some kind of way to deal with memories when they do pop into my mind. It is time, I think to tell Derek and Addison about my past. Maybe, I'm supposed to tell Derek and Addison the things I'm starting to remember. Maybe that's what they are there for. When I tell them, this could be their last test. If they stay after hearing everything and I mean everything as in the whole entire story of what has happened to me, up until what I remember, then I'll finally be able to trust them. And then, we will finally be able to be a family once and for all. I think I am ready. I ready to get fixed. I ready to be loved and I'm ready to have a family. I just really hope they are ready too

I squint my eyes, trying to shield the sunlight coming in through the curtains of my bedroom window. A throbbing pain vibrates throughout my head, flowing deeper into my body as I tug the pillow out from under my head and thrusting onto my face to block out the ray of light. Using the last amount of energy I have, I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting more then anything to sleep forever, I wouldn't have to face the events of the day ahead of me. I didn't want to deal with the outcomes of what had happened yesterday. I curl my toes under the blankets, while voices rise reverberating up the stairs to the townhouse—my brain forbidding me to sleep.

"You got to stop showing up like this, Mark."

I take notice to Derek's angry voice and groan. My father was already mad at me enough as it was. Now Mark had showed up, he'd probably be twice as mad. I prayed to God, hoping Mark wasn't here to tell Derek and Addison about me almost jumping off the roof of Peter's apartment building. The two of them didn't need another thing to be mad about. Derek, Addison and I were mad enough at each other to begin with.

"You can't be here right now," Derek peeves, upsettingly. "Kathleen's going to be here any minute to talk to Julia once she wakes up. Thank you for bringing my daughter home last night, but today, we really have to work things out as a family. You being here, it's not going to help things. I can't deal with you and Addison right now on top of Julia." There. Derek just read my mind. I can't deal with him and Addison either right now, on top of everything else that has happened. "You made me spend thousands of dollars a new friggin bed, and I really can't take any more of you and your man-whore-ness right now. You need to leave Mark. Now."

"Come one, Derek. I want to make sure Mini D's okay before I go back to Seattle. Please?" Mark promulgates, loud enough probably hoping I'd hear him from my bed room. _Oh believe me. I have._

I let out another groan, push my exhausted pain filled body into a sitting position, letting the pillow that I had pressed against my face, fall onto my lap. I realize, I better get down stairs before a war breaks out and of course before Mark mentions anything about my almost jumping. As I stretch out my legs, I clench my ribs, forgetting that they might be the cause of the affliction that I'm suffering from.

"Here," Addison's voice surprises me, making my body jump.

I look to the left of me, to see her sitting cross legged, laptop on top of them, both of her hands reach out to me, one with a glass of water, the other with two pills. I look at her confused, unsure and not able to remember why she's sitting on my bed. My hand reaches automatically to the pills, popping them into my mouth, followed by the water.

Mark and Derek's argument still arises throughout the brownstone and I know, it's only a matter of minutes until Derek loses his shit and kicks Mark out for good. If I want to see him before he goes, I have to make my move now. However, I am still curious as to why Addison is on my bed.

"Are you feeling better?" She questions, placing the empty water cup I handed her on the nightstand. "You were in quite the amount of pain last night. You also mentions something about um, almost jumping? What was that about?

"My ribs still hurt a bit," I manage to spit out, despite the shock I have, and finally being able to remember why she's here. "But they are better then last night. You didn't have to spend the whole night," I admit, trying to cover up the whole needing her thing, and changing the subject. I wasn't in the mood to be interrogated from her. I was going to get that enough today from Kathleen.

"I didn't mind," Addison smiles, before fixing her glasses on her face and looking back down to the computer screen.

I sigh in relief, happy she let the whole jumping thing slide. Derek's and Mark's fighting continues to surround us.

"If you want to see Mark, you better get down there before Derek bands him from seeing you for good." Addison says, as if she read my mind. "Or before World War Three Breaks Out."

"I think we'll know when that happens." I giggle, jokingly. "I've heard and seen worst." I remind her.

Addison gives me a empathic look and her eyes quickly switch back down to the laptop again, to absorbed in her work to give me an actual response.

"What are you doing?" I ask, half curious, bringing up anything other then what happened last night. I certainly don't want her going back to asking me questions about almost jumping.

"Just some research for a case Richard sent me. I'll be down in a bit, probably after Mark leaves. I don't want to be involved in this whole thing even more than I have to be," Addison responds.

It's like as if she's using me as an excuse or a scapegoat from having to face the problem she started.

"What's it about?"

"The case?" Addison confers, surprised by the question I asked. I'm kind of surprised too.

"Yeah," I nod.

"My patient—the mother had quintuplets."

"Quintuplets?" I stare back at her blankly and confused. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.

"Five babies. I delivered them right before we left. They're all premature, and on respirators. Right now, they are just being monitored. Three of them need a lot of surgery. If they're healthily enough, your dad's performing the surgery on one of them when we get back. "

"What happens if they aren't healthy enough?"

"I…well…um," Addison stumbles, it's clear she doesn't want to tell me the result. But just the look in her eyes says what she wants too. The babies might not make it. I don't think it's the right time, to mention how I wish I never made it into this world. Somehow, though I hope the look in my eyes tells Addison that and for a moment, I am jealous of these babies. "You better get down stairs, Mini D," Addison changes the subject.

I slide of the bed, my feet hitting the ground. Addison's eyes guide me to the door and begin the journey downstairs. I focus on my breathing, as I walk. I'm nervous to face both Derek and Mark. But more Derek then Mark. Last night, I admit, I said some things to Derek that I regret saying. But then again, there were things said by both of us. I think, the best idea right now is too ignore Derek. I am really not in the mood to fight with him right now, especially with how mad he is at Mark.

"Mark!" I squeal as my feet reach the bottom of the staircase and begin sprinting towards him, I figure I might as well try and make the best of this whole thing. "What are you doing here?"

I wrap my arms around his waste, while his own squeeze me deeper into him. Mark's bear hugs, give me one of the best feelings in the world. Just like that, with my attention focused on him, my nervousness has disappeared. After we break apart, my eyes glance towards where Derek is standing several inches away. He pretends not to pay attention, but I can tell he's jealous of mine and Mark's interaction. He's jealous of Mark and I being best friends. Derek's always been.

"I'm heading back to Seattle. I wanted to come see you before I head to the airport. Are you feeling better today?" Mark bombards me with questions, always too concerned for his own good. "Things last night were uh, pretty intense."

"Do you have to leave?" I whine, deciding not to respond to the second part of Mark's sentence. Along with ignoring Derek, I plan on ignoring everything that gets brought up about last night. "People don't really need boob lifts that bad. They can wait."

Mark chuckles at this and ruffles my hair. "Rule number one as a doctor. Remember this Mini D. A patient is a patient. No matter what they come to you for, you fix their problem, kept a straight face and try your hardest not to laugh in regards to whatever they want fixed. You fix it because it your job. Understand?"

"Being sincere are we Mark?" Derek jokes as he throws his head back, laughing. "You should hear yourself right now."

"It'd be nice if you took me seriously Derek, look at the example you are setting for your daughter. I'm giving her a very important life lesson, and you are…you are laughing. I swear this is the last time I share anything with Mini D while you are in the room." Mark exclaims, looking over and winking at me as I let out a small giggle.

"I still don't want you to go," I beg. "I'm so sorry Mark! If your leaving because of me, I promise I won't do anything stupid ever again. Please. You can't leave me here with_ them_." I apologize, wrapping my arms back around Mark. While I do, I notice Derek's eyes role and give me a look of disgust. He absolutely hates when I make a bigger deal of the simplest things.

"Julia, seriously. This isn't the end of the world. You'll see him in a few days when we go back to Seattle. Drop the dramatic act," Derek instructs me. "It's getting old. Plus, Addison and I aren't as bad as you think we are."

I roll my eyes, sticking with my plan to ignore Derek, hugging Mark even tighter as I wait for his response.

"It's not because of you Mini D," Mark informs me, unlashing my arms from around his stomach. "You didn't do anything wrong. The Chief asked for me back in Seattle. I'll see you in a few days when you get back. If you need anything before then, Derek and Addison have my cell phone number. You can all me okay?"

I nod, skeptically. Still, unsure if I am all right with the idea of him going back to Seattle without me.

"I want to come with you go. I don't want to be here anymore. Please Mark!" I beg.

"Mini D, you have to figure out everything here first. It's impossible for you to come with me right now. I want to know everything that's going on. You need to get better okay?"

"I'll try," I mumble, not making any promises. My arms back around Mark's waist.

Once again, Mark plies my arms off around him. I realize I must have been holding on tighter then I thought I was. He kisses my temple before backing away.

"Be good to your Dad," he says raising his hand to Derek who smirks in his spot.

"We all know that isn't going to happen anytime soon," Derek jokes. "Have a good flight back," Derek adds in, trying to be as mellow as possible, which surprises me. Just a few minutes ago, Derek didn't want to have anything to do with they guy. The two of the have a major love hate relationship going on. I mean MAJOR.

I stand there motionless, watching Mark turn his body around, making his way out the door. The erg to run after him comes into my mind. To grab onto his pant leg and beg for Mark to take me with him. While standing, staring at the now closed door, it's then I make the decision to do anything in my power so that Derek, Addison and I can go back to Seattle sooner. Even if that means elaborating on my life when Kathleen shows up. When, we go back, I'll drag Aunt Amelia with us too because she owes me one, big time. The sooner we go, the better. I'm sick of New York. Derek's sick of New York. I'm even beginning to think Addison is sick of New York. Once we are back in Seattle, everything's going to be better again.

* * *

Surrounded by the gold color walls, Derek's home office is very much like the rest of the brownstone. Unlived in, unloved and unused. The office in a way, could resemble the emptiness in Derek and Addison's relationship. The dark cherry wood desk in the center of the room, which Kathleen sat behind looked like it had hardly been touched in years, let alone months. Outdated pictures sat on the oxygen shape end tables, sitting at each end of the black leather sofa off to my left side of the room. There was one of Derek and two men, Mark whom I was able to recognize right away and black man whom I didn't have the slightest idea to who he may be. Another picture frame contains another rather old photo of Derek and his sisters. Like Mark, I was able to recognize Aunt Amelia right away. The last one being my favourite was one of Derek and Addison on their wedding day. The photograph showed just how much in love the two of them had been and hopefully still are. The pictures failed to fill the emptiness surrounding Kathleen and I. A job that was too big for the three photographs to fix. A job being only fixable by Derek and Addison themselves.

Kathleen and I had been talking for a while now. Well, Kathleen was more or less doing most of the talking. During the last half an hour of our session, she's been asking me ultra personal questions. She wants answers to things, that I am not even comfortable talking to Aunt Amelia about. Even though, it means me going back to Seattle sooner, there's no way I am telling them to her. Plus, Kathleen is Derek's sister, meaning she is technically my family. Therefore, she is a sister with Derek's other sisters. Which, results to gossip being spread. I don't want Derek's family thinking I am more psycho then they already think I am.

"You've hardly said anything the last little while," Kathleen acknowledges. "I understand therapy can be a little bit uncomfortable. Especially if you have not undergone sessions before. Do you want to tell me what you're thinking right now?"

"I've done therapy before," I confirm, not wanting to answer the other part of the question, since there are heck of a lot of things I'm thinking about right now. We'd be here all day if I went into depth of my thoughts. "In foster care, you get evaluated by your social worker and they decide if you need therapy or not."

"What did you talk about with your therapist then?" Kathleen questions, scribbling something of the pad of paper she has on top of Derek's large desk. The woman's is trying to be friendly. On the bright side, at least she isn't trying to be overly friendly and overly pushy like many of my other therapists.

"Ainslie, and family and stuff," I answer as simply as I can, sick of the questions already. I feel as though our conversation is going no where.

"Ainslie is your mother right?" Kathleen makes sure, eyeing me through her reading glasses. She reminds me of Addison when she does this.

"Something like that." I avow, avoiding the truth. "She just gave birth to me. It doesn't make her my real mother. She loved drugs more then me. She sold me to people so she could by drugs."

"She sold you?" Kathleen raises her eyebrow.

"To Frank mostly. As long as she had a steady supply of drugs, Ainslie didn't really care what he did to me. Aunt Amelia did though. I told her about it once, because Frank used to give me grownup candy to take the pain away afterwards, and I found grownup candies in Aunt Amelia's door and took some. She got mad at me and I thought she was going to hurt me but she told me she wouldn't because she loved me too much. She was the only person I ever told about Frank, until Addison and Derek but they still don't know the whole thing."

My fingers twitch at I look up at Kathleen, nervous to what her response would be. I figure, she's confused and probably still doesn't understand how Aunt Amelia and I know each other. Heck, I'm still confused with the whole thing. I think Derek's whole family is confused with the Aunt Amelia and I story. Maybe at the next family event if there is another one, and Derek, Addison and I get invited, Aunt Amelia and me can clear the whole thing up. I am hoping however that that isn't for a really long time.

"Grownup candies?" Kathleen wonders, trying to follow what I am saying.

"Drugs." I tell her, without a reflex in my body moving.

"What kind of things did Frank do to you?"

Now, this question makes my body flinch. I hate going into detail about my past. Absolutely hate it. I have to share some things with Kathleen though. Right now, it's the only way I can begin fixing my broken relationship between Derek and getting us to Seattle sooner.

"Like really bad things," I prattle sounding more or less like a child, not wanting elaborate, yet somehow I force myself to do. "Like grownup things. He said since my mommy and the other candy seller have sex, it was okay that he and I do. He said once I had sex with him, I would become a grownup and be able to have grownup candies. I really wanted grownup candies. After, every time he'd give me a grownup candy. I didn't like them at first, and then I took them. I wanted grownup candies all the time. So I took one of Aunt Amelia's. I still want grownup candies sometimes." I admit.

"You know what Frank did was wrong right? What he said to you wasn't okay. You said you took some of Amelia's drugs too?"

I nod, as guilt fills all over me. It's as if I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

"Don't be mad at my Aunt Amelia, please Kathleen! I took them. It was my fault. You can't tell Aunt Amelia I told you. Please."

"I'm not mad. I am not going to tell Amelia anything. What you tell me is just between the two of us. Unless, I feel as though you are in some way going to harm yourself or another person. You know, I find it so amazing how close you too are. Watching you and my sister together. The bond the two of you share. She's closer to you then anyone in mine…I mean our family. It's incredible." Kathleen looks up at me from her note pad, and smiles.

"Well we didn't know we were real family when we first met."

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be different if she had figured out we were actually related. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened after she had found out, and if things would have turned out differently.

"You mentioned you still have cravings sometimes," Kathleen brings my mind back into reality. "Why do you think that is?"

I shift my body timidly in my seat. My legs move up onto the seat of the chair I'm in, my arms wrapping around them. I rest my head down on my knees, biting my lower lip. It's not that I didn't want to answer Kathleen's question this time. I just didn't know how.

"I don't know," I admit. "Sometimes, I want to have drugs again to make the pain stop. All my memories, everything has been coming back to me. I used to not remember things and now, I remember all the time."

"You know," Kathleen leans back in her chair. "There are other ways then drugs to stop the pain. Did you know that?"

I shake my head, "I used to not be able to remember the bad memories. " I avert. "Now, I am starting to remember everything. It's like there is a really long movie going on in my head and it doesn't end. It just keeps constantly playing. It's like everything is coming back in life again and there is so much hurt and so much pain. I can't control my emotions and I can't get the movie to stop playing. There can't be other ways to stop the pain. I've tried things. They are pointless."

"The thing is," Kathleen contends. "Pain never goes away. You said it yourself. But when a bad memory comes into your head, there are ways you can work through it."

"Yeah right," I mumble, finding what she's telling me hard to believe.

"There is," Kathleen imparts. "Sometimes, it helps to write down what you are feeling. Other people listen to music, while some exercise. Another thing that helps you work through bad memories is to talk to somebody. Kind of like you and I are doing now."

"But I don't have anyone to talk to. Nobody understands." I reveal.

That, I admit was a kind of stupid answer. It's not that I don't have anyone to talk to. I have my Aunt Amelia. Then, of course there's Derek and Addison. But they wouldn't understand anything of what I went through. Kathleen wouldn't understand either. She's just like Derek. She doesn't know what's going on in my head right now, and certainly doesn't understand how I am feeling. It's not like she went through any of the things I did. I'm just wishing though, that she somehow could read my mind, figure out what's wrong with me so I wouldn't have to say anything out loud. I know that's obviously not going to happen, and in order for Kathleen to tell me, I am going to have to talk to her.

"Oh don't give me that. Look around you," Kathleen implies. "You have a family that's willing to put their lives on hold to try and understand you, to try and fix things. You have Amelia to talk too. When she isn't around try talking to Derek and Addison. Sure, they won't be able to fully understand the things that have happened to you, but in order for them to be somewhat helpful, you have to fill them in. Let them know what's going on. Tell them what your thinking. You live in a world full of doctors. I wouldn't be surprised if Derek and Addie haven't had there far share of child abuse discloses."

"You mean other kids have told them about some of the things I went though?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if they have. Derek and Addison are probably too of the best people to talk to about these types of things. When one of their patients tells them about abuse, and if it's a child, it's part of your parent's job to report it to child services. Now, I understand this is difference circumstance due to Derek and Addison being your parents, but because of this, they're trying half more harder then why would to understand what has happened to you." Kathleen articulates.

My head comes up from my knees, my eyes widening as they meet Kathleen. Somehow, I don't know why but after her telling me this, I have a sudden erg, realizing I am ready to go fill Addison in on everything that has happened in my life. I want to run downstairs, wrap my arms around Addie, cuddle up against her and start sharing my deepest darkest secrets with her. I picture, Derek listening in from the other room because I am just not ready to tell him what I've gone through yet.

I shake my head, running my hands through my hair. What the hell was I thinking? Derek and Addison wouldn't want to hear every detail of what every man did to me.

"I just…I just don't know if Derek and Addison would want to hear what I have to say." I murmur, my head's cradled back in my knees.

"Of course they do," Kathleen tries to be optimist. "They want to help you get better. They're your parents. They always want to hear what you have to say."

"But I don't want to make them sad. When I tell Mark about what those people did to me, he gets so angry. I can't…I can't tell Derek because he'll get even more mad. I'm not comfortable around Derek yet."

"Do you think there could be another reason as to why you don't want to tell Derek?" Kathleen counter acts my sentence.

"I hate him." I whisper. It's a common statement that has been coming out of my mouth lately. "There were so many times I called out for him to save me. There were so many times I needed him when I was little. He never came and I hate him for that."

"We can't change what has happened to you in the past. As much as I wish there was a way to go back and stop all the suffering you went through, it just isn't possible. You keep forgetting Derek's here now. He's not going anywhere as much as you think he is. Use his presence to your advantage. Focus on the life you have with him now, and not on the one you wanted him to be in." Kathleen emits, putting her pen down. "I think that's enough for today. Why don't we call Derek and Addison up and start figuring some things out family wise."

I nod, letting out a heavy sigh. I watch, as Kathleen gets up to go get Derek and Addison. I wait until she leaves to let the smile come out onto my face. I never in a million years would have admitted this before, because I mean who would have thought talking to a shrink would actually work. I felt light weighted, proud of myself, and the progress I made. I really hoped, that Derek and Addison would be proud of the progress I have made too.

* * *

We're squished on the sofa—Addison, Derek and I. My body is pressed against Addison's, hers against Derek's. I'm chomping the nail polish off my fingernails Aunt Amelia had painted for me while I was in the hospital. Kathleen said it was up to me what we tell Derek and Addison. I haven't been telling them much; Kathleen's been doing most of the talking. None of the things that she has mentioned to them so far has bothered me. I think, just maybe I am beginning to trust her.

"Julia, because of her past experiences," Kathleen begins. "Has developed something called PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The traumatic events Julia has encountered have caused long-term effects to the brain. Derek, being a neurologist, you'd probably be able to explain the neurology part of PTSD better than I would…" Kathleen pauses, looking up a Derek.

"I don't want to hear anything from him," I mutter under my breath, hoping nobody hears me. I don't want my statement to lead into another argument.

Addison however, hears me whisper and nudges her elbow into my ribs. Immediately, my hands go onto the spot her elbow was just shoved into. She must have forgotten how much they were still hurting me.

"Hey that hurt!" I announce, giving Addison a pissed off look as she shakes her head, the attention in the room now on me.

I wait for a lecture, something along the lines of keeping your mean comments to yourself. I receive nothing however, while Kathleen starts to carry on again.

"And because of the abuse she's endured, Julia developed anxiety and attachment issues, effecting her ability to cope in certain situations."

"Anxiety and attachment issues? Really?" I comment unhappy. "That's the best you can come up with?"

"Are you expecting something else?" Kathleen asks me, unpleased with my interruption.

"No," I admit, sure as to why I even interrupted in the first place. "I just don't think I needed someone to tell me I had anxiety and attachment issues. Your making it sound like I'm six or something." I grumble.

"Do you want my help or not?" Kathleen questions as both Derek and Addison glance me evil looks.

"As I was saying," Kathleen continues clearing her throat. "It may seem like it is to you, Julia but it's not the end of the world. At least 25% of children who have been exposed to some traumatic event in their lives develop PTSD." Kathleen's attention is now back onto Addison and Derek. "Through out her childhood, Julia have gone though a vast majority of traumatic events. She's told me about her frequent nightmares, and flashbacks both, being a result of the diagnoses. We've talked together about ways she could work through these re occurring events. I've also explained to Julia the importance of talking to one or both of you at a time a memory may occur."

Derek and Addison both nod as I look down at my fingernails. I have successfully managed to chew of one hand worth of nail polish. I take out the other hand I'm sitting on, show it into my mouth and replace the nail polish free hand under my but. I still, am not totally comfortable with the idea of talking to Derek and Addison each time I have a nightmare or a flashback. It's seems, I don't know, unreasonable. At the same time though, I feel pressured into talking to Derek and Addison, because it's what everyone wants me to do. I just don't know, if it's what I want to do.

"Julia, on the other hand, although I've explained to her the importance of this, still doesn't quite understand it. I don't know if it's because she's still not fully comfortable around the two of you or if it's because of the other things going on. So, in order to help Julia out, the two of you have to start making her more comfortable, spending time with her. Finding a mends to your family issues, stop focusing so much on the whole Mark and slutty intern thing and start focusing on your daughter."

Kathleen's head moves from Derek to Addison. Addison almost chokes on her own saliva after this statement, and I watch as Derek's fists clench. They are fairly unclear, unhappy and pissed off at Kathleen for mentioning this. However, they're peeved off faces quickly become coved with a smile, once remembering this whole thing is about me and not their marriage.

A small smile comes onto my face, as my bum moves off the arm of the couch, deeper into the couch cushions, my body sliding up against Addison. I'm beginning to think, magic might work all along. Kathleen has just told them what's been on my mind for so long. Plus, if a remark comes up about their marriage, the two of them will constantly begin arguing. Either it being to defend each other or arguing at each other. Whatever the argument is, it's a given. Usually, when this happens, there argument gets so intense; they often forget I am there. However, this time they managed to put their problems aside, which is a pretty big deal for the two of them, and focus on us as family. I think, just maybe Addison and Derek have passed my test. I think, they are finally ready for us to be a family. I am finally ready too.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:  
**

**As I was writing this, I listened to the song Feels Like Home from the movie My Sister's Keeper. I really think it describes Julia and Amelia's relationship and I put some lines from the song into the story, so I don't own the parts where I put those lines in. I basically related some of Julia's thoughts to the song lyrics.  
**

**In the next chapter, there's going to be some Carolyn/Julia bonding and then in the one after that, I'm going to write with Julia, Derek and Addison back in Seattle. Unless, you think otherwise.  
**

**Oh, I'm so so sorry I didn't post more over break. This chapter took me pretty much the whole break to write. I couldn't get it right at first, but I really like how it turned out.  
**

**Enjoy :)!  
**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty- Four**

Adapt or die. As many times as we've heard it, the lesson doesn't get any easier.

The problem is, we're human. We want more than just to survive.

We want love, we want success. We wanna be the best that we can be.

So we fight like hell to get those things. Anything else feels... like death

**- Grey's Anatomy; Meredith Grey**

_Finally, after a long time of crying and screaming while throwing my body against the padded wall, there wasn't any energy left in me. My sobs stung to the back of my throat and no tears rolled down my cheeks. I sat with my body shaking, huddled up in a ball in the very back corner of the room. Suddenly, my eyes became blinded by a bright light I clasped my fingers tighter around my legs and tried to focus on the deep breathing Aunt Amelia had taught me when I had nightmares. I thought of her and the good memories we had together. When I ran out of the good memories of Aunt Amelia, for the first time in a long time, I thought about Dr. Montgomery. I closed my eyes tight and wished for both of them to be in the lock in room with me. If they were here, I knew they would make everything better. If they were here, they'd sing me songs and give me a million hugs and kisses until I wasn't scared anymore. I thought about my daddy, wishing he were here too. He'd tickle me until I laugh, until the tears I was crying were happy tears. My eyes pop back open at a loud wrenching sound, to see the door to the lock in room opening. A man appears and begins walking over to me while I move my body deeper and deeper into the corner. He stops once he gets close enough to me, and bends down to be at my level. "I'm Nathan" He introduces himself, smiling. I can tell he's trying to be nice, but I just don't buy it. Not after what I went through in Ms. Livingston's office last time I was here. "One of the residential workers. Your file says you've been here before is that true?" Nathan asks, as I nod. "I was asked to give you a tour. We've made a few changes around the building in the last several months. Do you think you can make it through the tour without making a scene? If not, I'd advise you stay in the cool off room for a bit longer." I shake my head, and jump up to follow him out of the lock in room. There was no way I was staying in that cell any longer._

"_Wake up call is at 6:30, breakfast at 7:30, and school starts at 8:30 and runs until 3. Dinner's at 5:30, and lights out for your age group is at 8:30, you are to be in your room no later then 8. Understand?" Nathan instructs, me hurrying down larger big hallway. Kids all around my age are everywhere. Some peer out their doors at me, and others run down the hallway chasing each other. "Our residential home, in case you didn't remember has two sides. You're on side A, 7-10 age group, second floor. Side B, is for youth 13 and up. You are never to go onto side B unless you're with a worker, or have permission other wise. Understand?" Nathan turns around to make sure I'm getting all this. I nod and follow him up another flight of stairs into a similar hallway. "This is your hallway. It consists of all girls; the boys' hallway is around the corner. Bathroom's are at the end of the hall. And this is your room." Nathan stops in the middle of the hallway, at a doorway with numbers above reading: 212. He knocks once, and pushes open the door. There's no doorknob, just a big metal handle in the middle. Once we step inside, I come face to face with a blue eyed blonde haired girl, who is a bit older looking then me. Her long straight hair is neatly tied up in a braid, and is the total opposite of my hair, that's going in all different directions. She's sitting on her bed, with a fashion magazine out in front of her. Aunt Amelia and I used to look at fashion magazines a lot. "This is Kayleigh," Nathan introduces me to her. "Kayleigh, meet your new roommate, Julia." Kayleigh looks up from her magazine, smiles shyly at me and puts her head back down. Nathan leads me other to the other side of the room. There's a bed with a bright pink comforter and light pink sheets. Kayleigh's side of the room has green bedding. "This is your side of the room," Nathan states the obvious. I sigh because I hate pink and really want purple bedding. When I was at Peter's, he used to get me whatever I wanted—if I did whatever he wanted me to do. "Is something wrong?" Nathan asks concerned. I shake my head, still too scared to say anything. "Alright then. Dinner's in half an hour. I'll leave the two of you to get acquainted. If you need anything," Nathan says as he leaves the room. "The floors social worker's office is just around the corner." When Nathan leaves, Kayleigh still doesn't say anything to me. I don't want to say anything to her either, because I don't know how. So, instead I angrily throw all the blankets off my bed. Climb up on top of it, curl myself into a little ball and squeeze my eyes tight. I think, maybe if keep them closed long enough, I'll wake up and won't be here anymore. _

All my life, I've felt like death. I know that's a bit harsh to say, but it's the truth. I thought, that when I finally found my dad, that feeling of death would go away. However, its pretty obvious it never did. Ever since I was little, I have been fighting to survive. In order to survive, we have to learn to adapt. From being bounced between foster homes and group homes, it is vital you learn to adapt because it's basically hell if you don't. Each home I got placed in I somehow managed to adapt. I made a list of rules for myself. I followed each of them carefully, always cautious to not knock the wall around me down, that being the most important rule. The rules helped me adapt, to not get my hopes up to high and therefore, to not get heartbroken. My list of rules protected me, made me cold, uncaring, untrusting, unlovable. It was my list of rules that made me feel like death all the time. Adapting is easy. You adapt because you have to. You adapt because you have no other choice. Adapting to a life isn't the same as belonging to one. When I adapted to the homes I was placed it, my body switched to autopilot, constantly following the list of rules. Yes, it's true you need to adapt to life to survive. But when we adapt, we aren't necessary a live. To survive fully in life, as much as you need to adapt in life, you need a sense of belonging. It's when we don't belong that we don't survive. The human being needs to feel wanted. To feel loved. So, we fight to feel these things. We all need attention once in a while. I've shut out the feeling of belonging for so long, that the feeling of death over powered me. Since I've chose to adapt in live, I never learned the sense of belonging. Now that I live with Derek and Addison, I still don't have that sense. I'm scared to let myself belong to their family because nothing's official. It only takes one moment, one day to change everything. I need something; some short of document to show I'm part of this family. If I have a this, then maybe I won't have to be scared anymore. Then, I might finally be ready to open up to the feeling of belongingness. If there was some signed document, then everything would seem more real and I really need this to be real. I'm so close to finally getting everything I've always wanted. I can't lose afford to lose Derek and Addison or Aunt Amelia again for that matter. I'm so close to finally having a family and I don't want to screw it up. I can't keep adapting anymore. It's time I have to start belonging.

"Hello?" Derek calls out as the three of us enter into an empty house. "Ma? Amy? Anyone home?"

Derek and Addison are dropping me off at Carolyn's house for the night. Aunt Amelia has invited me over. When Aunt Amelia suggested it over the phone, Derek thought it would be an excellent idea to spend time with Carolyn and of course Aunt Amelia. He's been more excited about me going then I have been. I think, Derek's more overjoyed about the fact that he gets to get rid of me for the night. Even though I've only spent pretty much one night at the brownstone, I couldn't wait to get out of there to be honest. Things at the brownstone were getting to be too close for comfort.

"Hey Der!" Aunt Amelia's voice greets us coming from the direction of the living room, to our right. Footsteps echo throughout the vacant house and within seconds, Aunt Amelia appears in front of us. "Addie!" She exclaims smiling, as she notices Addison in the doorway. She reaches in for a hug; first to Addison. Then she flops herself onto Derek and finally scoops me into her arms.

"Where's Ma?" Derek questions, stretching his neck to look for her.

"Mom's at dinner with some friends from her garden club. Probably discussing the latest garden techniques. But this means," Aunt Amelia turns to me. "We have the house to ourselves for a while. Unless, Addie you and Der want to stay for a bit? I cooked supper."

My eyes widen. "You cooked supper?" I repeat Aunt Amelia quickly rather alarmed. Aunt Amelia can't cook. Once at Vanessa's apartment, Aunt Amelia attempted to cook me pancakes for breakfast. She went on this rant about how her mother's pancakes were the best pancakes ever. Therefore, Aunt Amelia tired to make the pancakes from scratch. The flour ended up exploding all over the kitchen and Aunt Amelia didn't just end up burning the pancakes. She burnt the whole kitchen down in the process. Let's just say, we ended up eating cereal that morning.

"Remember the whole pancake disaster?" I reminisce.

"Don't remind me," Aunt Amelia laughs, her cheeks flush with embarrassment. "You refused to eat my cooking for weeks after that."

"I had a very good reason not to," I inform her scrunching up my nose.

"Relax, I was only kidding. I ordered pizza. Are you two going to stay?" Aunt Amelia turns to Addison and Derek.

"Well…" Addison converses, glancing a quick look at Derek. She's hoping he'll have more of an answer than her. "It's your night with Mini D. So it's really up to her. What do you want us to do?" Addison implies to me.

I'm kind of surprised that Addison's given me the choice to decide if I want them there or not. Normally, they just decide for themselves. I guess talking to Kathleen really did open their eyes into me being involved in this whole family thing. As much as I am happy with the fact they are trying, I hate being put on the spot like that. So, I really don't know if I want Derek and Addison to stay or not. It's true, that I'm more comfortable around Aunt Amelia and if I were in the right state of mind, I'd probably ask them to leave. But, I have to try to if I want to belong in this family, so I think it's only right if I ask Derek and Addison to stay.

"Can you stay?" I whisper, shyly. I'm too nervous to look up at their faces. Or maybe I'm nervous over the fact that I'm spending a night away from them. I'm still not comfortable asking Derek and Addison for things, but I have started to like the stability of having them around.

"Only if, one of you will fill us in on this pancake explosion," Derek jokes, which shocks me, and begins to take off his shoes.

Derek and I have been more or less avoiding each other since Kathleen left. I guess I haven't been the only one that's trying to pretend last night never happened. Sure, eventually the almost jumping thing will leak but until then, some things are better left unsaid.

"Pancake disaster," I correct him, placing my book bag on the mat and my shoes next to were Derek and Addison had just taken theirs off.

Aunt Amelia leads us into a hardwood floored, 90s style living room to the right of the main entrance of the house. The rich cream-colored walls, and the dark brown furniture remind me of the cream eggs you can get at Easter time. On the back wall, there's a fireplace, that's covered with black iron bars, indicating it's more or less for show, then use. I sit down beside Addison, on the sofa that faces away from the fireplace, Aunt Amelia sits on her other side and Derek sits on the love seat, his back to the deep wooden stairs.

"I want to know about this infamous pancake disaster too Mini D," Addison nudges me, playfully.

"Okay," I giggle, letting half my body sink into the cushions, the other half indenting into Addison.

I haven't told Addison and Derek a lot about my past. The things I have told them have been in bits and pieces, so it feels weird to actually want to tell them this story. I figure it's safe for me to tell them, because it's not a bad story and Aunt Amelia's here with me. I wouldn't be telling it to them if Aunt Amelia were still dead.

"When I lived at Vanessa's and Aunt Amelia was there, one morning she wanted to make me pancakes. She complained how she was sick of eating cereal every morning. Then, Aunt Amelia went on this rant about how her mom made such good pancakes."

"Mom's pancakes are the best," Derek nods his head in agreement.

"So anyway, Aunt Amelia started throwing ingredients in the bowl—"

"Hey, hold on a second," Aunt Amelia cuts me off, defending herself. "I didn't throw the ingredients in the bowl, I followed the recipe."

"You never followed a recipe!" I exclaim, argumentatively. "You paced around the kitchen with the phone in your hand for half an hour debating if you should call your mother for it or not."

"Maybe I put in a little extra flour and over added a few ingredients, but they weren't that bad right?"

I roll my eyes as I start to laugh. "A—little—extra—flour?" I counteract between, breaths. "You put in the whole bag!"

"That was your doing Missy! Don't you remember?"

I shake my head because obviously I didn't remember _that_ version of the story.

"You begged me to put the flour in the mixer and being as stubborn as you are, refused my help of holding the bag insisting it wasn't heavy, therefore you dropped the whole bag of flour into the bowl."

"At least I wasn't the one who burnt the pancakes and caught the whole kitchen on fire," I neutralize, sticking my tongue out at Aunt Amelia.

Derek and Addison chuckle, clearly enjoying watching the two of us argue, while the doorbell rings.

"Almost caught the whole kitchen on fire," Aunt Amelia corrects me, getting up to go answer the door, probably most likely for the pizza delivery guy.

Derek gets up off the sofa, and disappears though the dinning room, into what I assume is the kitchen. Addison goes with him while I'm left sitting on the sofa awkwardly for a few minutes, before wandering into the kitchen myself. By the time I go in, Derek and Addison have gotten plates and cups out, and Aunt Amelia has opened the pizza boxes on the counter.

"I wasn't sure what you guys wanted, so I ordered a pepperoni one, and another with the works." Aunt Amelia says, grabbing a plate and plopping a piece of the works pizza on it.

Derek picks two pieces the pepperoni one out of the other box and I copy him, but only taking one. Addison chooses a piece of both and pours her self a glass of water from the pitcher.

"Do you want something to drink?" Addison asks me, noticing I'm the only one left in the kitchen.

I nod, while Addison pours another cup of water for me. We walk into the dinning room together and join Derek and Aunt Amelia at the dinner table.

* * *

I stand uncomfortably in the entrance way of Carolyn's home, watching Derek and Addison get ready to leave—something I suddenly don't want them to do. For some reason, I feel very nervous about them leaving me here alone with Aunt Amelia. The last night I spent alone with Aunt Amelia was the night she overdosed. I mean if you don't count the nights she stayed in my hospital room when I was in a coma. I thought I was ready, when Derek asked if I wanted to spend the night with Aunt Amelia but the realization of Derek and Addison not being there, didn't occur to me then. I guess I won't be totally alone with Aunt Amelia because Carolyn is coming home later, and that is something I am also anxious about. I'm worried about my nightmares, since I have them every single night and lately they seem out of control.

"Amelia's going to drive you home tomorrow, okay Mini D?" Addison informs me while I nod, wanting badly to say I want to go home with them. But, I want them to see that I am getting better and plus Derek and Addison have plans to meet some friends who they used to work with at a cocktail bar called Angel Square. I don't want to ruin their night. Also, Aunt Amelia would be really disappointed if I left.

"What happens if I need you before then?" I spit out. My voice is barely above a whisper.

"Then you can call us. Amelia has Derek's number and mine. Carolyn's does too. She'll be here shortly I imagine. Have fun tonight." Addison smiles, bringing her arms around me.

I hold onto her for a while not wanting to let go. I'm unaware of how long a while is until Addison unwraps my arms from around her waist. When my arms hit my sides, I'm tempted to clasp them around her again.

"Be good for Amy," Derek instructs me, his arm reaching for the door. I nod again.

"You'll be okay without us right?" Addison surprisingly asks, concerned. She must have noticed the worried look on my face.

"She'll be fine Addie," Aunt Amelia answers for me. "You two go have fun. You deserve a night out and I get to spend time with my favourite niece." Aunt Amelia winks at me, which makes me feel comfortable enough to let Derek and Addison go.

"Alight," Addison nods, her voice still sounds unsure. "We'll see you tomorrow then." Addison says. By now, Derek's already out the door.

"I hope you and Derek have fun tonight," I add in, deciding to be polite.

Addison sends me a sheepish smile, letting herself out of the house and leaving it to just me and Aunt Amelia; something which could be either a good or bad thing. I haven't had the chance to decide yet. Deep down, I wish Derek and Addison would of stayed until I did.

* * *

Aunt Amelia and I are curled up together on the sofa. The movie, Stepmom had just ended and we are now staring at the credits, which are rolling down the screen. Both of us were too comfy to think about moving. My head rests against Aunt Amelia's chest, her breaths echoing into my ears. I close my eyes and match my own breaths to hers. With each breath I breathe in, I cherish the moment; one I've been dying for years to have. Still, there are times I had trouble wrapping my head around Aunt Amelia being here. I've spent so many years tearing myself up over her death that it's hard to think she's been alive the whole entire time I needed her. I have so many questions that I'm dying to ask her. There are so many things I want to tell her that I don't know where to start or how to ask them. I want to tell her about how I'm scared to go to sleep tonight because I'm nervous about my nightmares since Carolyn doesn't know about them. I think I owe it to Derek to give Carolyn a good impression this time I see her and if I add the nightmares into the picture it's not going to look good. I also want to tell her about the things that happened today when I talked to Kathleen and how sometimes I still crave grownup candies and if she still craves them sometimes too. I guess, it's not that I don't know how to ask or telll these things, I'm scared. I'm scared, that this might be a dream and as soon as I speak or move, I'll ruin the whole thing. Right now, I'm content lying with Aunt Amelia, lost in her arms. Aunt Amelia has no idea how much this moment means to me. I want this feeling to last forever because finally after a long time of wanting to feel this way, I feel like I belong. At least to my Aunt Amelia anyway.

"Aunt Amelia?" I finally get the courage to whisper, once the credits have ended and the TV screen has now turned black. "I don't understand how you've been alive all this time. It hurts me to think about it sometimes. So many bad things happened to me and I needed you. I wanted you there. You could have been there if you tired harder to find me. If you had been there, maybe now I wouldn't hurt so much. I was so lonely. I was so scared. Everything was so dark without you. I didn't know what to do."

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. " Aunt Amelia speaks quietly into my ear. "I wish I did more to help you, to find you. I hate seeing you hurting. I'm here now okay? You don't need to hurt anymore. I'm here and you're here with me. For now, nothing else matters." She coos, trying her best to shelter me from all the horrible childhood experiences I've been though.

I know her words aren't going to change what has happened to me in the past, but what Aunt Amelia just said is true. We're both together right now and that should be all that matters, but it's not. I lift my head to look at her skeptically, noticing the guilt in her eyes. It's guilt she's carried around for years. It's the guilt she has of leaving me. I want so badly to forgive Aunt Amelia. It's something, I've been trying to hard to do since I've found out she wasn't dead. I want to love her, but since Aunt Amelia came back to life, I've always had the horrible thought that she just might not be here forever and ever. Since she's appeared, I've been terrified that Aunt Amelia might be a ghost or some from of a supernatural being. If she is not one of those two things, I'm scared about the possibly of her dying again. I don't know if I can relive her death a second time.

"You're here forever and ever right?" I make sure, hoping the reinsurance will help me realize Aunt Amelia isn't leaving anytime soon.

"There's something I need to talk to you about kiddo," Aunt Amelia murmurs not giving me the assurance I need and by the tone of her voice, it's obviously something she isn't too thrilled to be talking to me about. "I feel guilty enough as it is putting it off this long." She pauses, figuring out what to say next. So maybe, her guilt isn't from leaving me. With my head back down on her chest, I'm able to feel her distress. I'm able to tell how upset Aunt Amelia is without even asking her. Suddenly, I too start to feel a bit uneasy. "I should have told you when Derek and Addison were here." Aunt Amelia continues, struggling sit up on the sofa, almost pushing me off in the process. I frown at her. I was comfy, content and moving was the last thing on my mind.

"What?" I ask, once we're sitting crossed legged and facing each other. From the serious look on her face, I know she means business. Whatever Aunt Amelia wants to tell me is defiantly important. Scenarios play throughout my mind was I wait impatiently for an answer. I think of Aunt Amelia's announcement to be anything from her telling me she's pregnant to her dying to relapsing. I wouldn't be happy about any of the three to be honest. Despite however bad the news may be, I'm dying to know.

"I'm going back to Maine tomorrow." Aunt Amelia bows her head, unable to look me in the eye. "I know it's not what you wanted to hear but I can't afford to take anymore days off work. I'm booked to do a few surgeries over the next couple of days and I really need the practice."

I stare at her blankly because that announcement was the last thing I was accepting. I'd actually rather Aunt Amelia to have been pregnant then her leaving me again. She can't be leaving me this soon. I've just gotten her back. Her leaving were the last words I've wanted to hear out of her mouth because her leaving is basically the same as her dying all over again, which is my worst fear in the whole entire world. Aunt Amelia couldn't be leaving. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. Her leaving wasn't part of my plan. Aunt Amelia was supposed to come back to Seattle with us. She wasn't supposed to go back to Maine. It just wasn't right.

"Please tell me your lying," I desperately beg, my voice being so quite I wasn't sure if Aunt Amelia could hear me or not. "You're not serious right?" I then hope as anger flows through my veins, knowing this whole thing wasn't a joke, as much as I wanted it to be.

Aunt Amelia glances back up at me and then quickly turns her head away ashamedly. "I wouldn't be telling you if I wasn't serious," Aunt Amelia answers, fiddling with a loose string on her shirt. Probably finding anything to distract her with then having to look me in the eye.

"So you are serious?" I rephrase the question, trying to understand this whole thing, something my brain isn't letting me do. It's like I'm solving a math problem and I hate math.

"It's always going to be forever and ever," Aunt Amelia tries to reinsure me, stating her favourite line to comfort me by. The reinsurance however, doesn't work this time. How can she say there is a forever and ever if we are never going to get to see each other again? Is everything Aunt Amelia promised me a few moments ago, a bunch of lies? "You just won't get to see me as often because we live in a different state," Aunt Amelia prolongs, attempting to pull my body into hers for a hug that I don't want anything to do with. I back further away from her on the sofa. "You can call me, and we can email and video chat also. There are loads of ways to communicate. I'll still be there. You just won't get to see me in person as much."

"But that's the not the same!" I whine, infuriately and a bit selfishly. I'm so furious with Aunt Amelia that I'm using every muscle in my body to fight the temptation of strangling her. I need her to be here and certainly not a phone call away in a state that's half way across the country from Seattle.

"I know it won't be the same," Aunt Amelia concurs. "We'll figure something out though. I'll be there when you need me to be." She promises, yet I know it's a promise she probably isn't going to keep. I'm guessing it will be broken faster than cold molasses.

"I don't need you to be a phone call away. I need you to be here. I need you to be here with me." I try and make her understand storming off the sofa in the process. My breaths become harsher. I feel as if I am about to explode any minute. Like I am a jack-in-the-box that's wound up and about to pop up. She'll never understand how much she means to me. Aunt Amelia will never understand how much I need her nor will she understand what happened to me during the times I needed her there. "What about all the other times I needed you there. I thought you were dead, but really you were just a phone call away then too. Those people hurt me and I NEEDED _YOU_ THERE. I NEED _YOU _HERE." I confront her, my body's now fuming with anger. It's written all over my face.

I blink back the water that's about to flow out of my eyelids. For some reason, the last thing I want to do is cry over this in front of her. Yet at the same time, Aunt Amelia hasn't realized yet how much she's hurt me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Aunt Amelia apologizes and looks up at me. Her eyes are dark and look disheartened. They're not the crystal blue eyes I remember as a kid.

I stand on the hardwood floor in the middle of the living room. My skin seems to be flooding inside of my, and my head spinning a mile a minute. I can't breathe and I can't speak. The moment I just had with Aunt Amelia was too good to be true. I hadn't ruined it by speaking and shut my god damn mouth, then I would still be lying on top of Aunt Amelia and everything would be okay. Except, everything is not okay. Everything is far from okay.

I open my mouth to tell Aunt Amelia my thoughts as the door to the house shuffles open and Carolyn appears in the doorway. Her keys jingle as she places them onto the ledge by the closet door. Once Carolyn places her purse down, she notices our eyes watching her. She gives us both a warm smile before walking into the living. Obviously, she has no idea what's going on right now. My eyes dart back to Aunt Amelia as I try my best to ignore Carolyn's presence. I couldn't give Carolyn a good impression on top of dealing with Aunt Amelia leaving. It was all too much. I didn't want to be near Aunt Amelia anymore and I was about to burst any minute now, something I didn't want Carolyn to see. But like always, I had to get the last word in.

"I HATE YOU," I scream to Aunt Amelia, using my favourite grand exit quote, a line I don't mean half the time I say it. But this time, I think I do mean it. Plus maybe if I go back to hating Aunt Amelia, she won't leave again. "I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. _I HATE YOU_. I WISH YOU WERE STILL DEAD," I shout the unthinkable, dying to pound my fists on Aunt Amelia, just to show her a small amount of the pain I was in. "You ruin everything!" I place the blame on to Aunt Amelia and decide to not use my fists against her. I hope that would at least make her feel a bit more of my hurt. My feet thunder across the wooden floor, climb the mountain of stairs, stumble into the nearest bedroom and collapse my body onto the bed. I lay there, curling my body into a ball as the teardrops start to flow down my cheeks and onto the mattress. I don't want to be here anymore. Derek was so wrong, thinking me spending the night with Aunt Amelia was going to be fun. I wanted to go back to the brownstone. I wanted Addison. I wanted Derek. I wanted my family. For once in my life, I didn't want Aunt Amelia. I didn't want anything to do with her. I wanted them. I wanted Derek and Addison. Aunt Amelia is just my aunt. They're my parents. Right now, I needed them and not her.


	25. Chapter 25

**Sorry it took me so long to post the new Chapter, but I've been overloaded with school work. Plus for the longest time, I couldn't figure out how to write this chapter. But I really like how it came out. I thought it was about time this story needed some fluffy family moments. :) **

**Enjoy, happy reading!**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

Okay, so, sometimes… even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions.

Decisions we pretty much know we're going to regret the moment… the minute… especially the morning after.

I mean, maybe not "regret" regret, because at least… you know, we put ourselves out there…

But still, something inside us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know will probably turn around and bite us in the ass.

Yet… we do it anyway. What I'm saying is… we reap what we sow. What comes around, goes around. It's karma.

**- George O'Malley; Grey's Anatomy**

_Kayleigh and I are sitting on my bed, inside a fort we made out of the blankets I had thrown off it. Kayleigh is braiding my hair so I can look like her. "This is our castle," Kayleigh says. "We are princesses and our guardian angels will protect us as long as we are in here." She promises, putting a hair bobby around the end of my braid. "What are guardian angels?" I ask curious. Evelyn told me about angels and demons but never guardian angels. All this stuff confused me. "Guardian angels keep us safe. When the people you love die, they turn into your guardian angels. My mommy and daddy are my guardian angels. They died when I was a baby. Who's your guardian angel?" Kayleigh wonders, her eyes look like mine whenever I think about Aunt Amelia. I never knew guardian angels where real people. I just thought angels brought the good bodies to heaven and the demons brought the bad bodies to hell. I didn't know people you loved could be angels. I thought God was the only angel. "I don't have a guardian angel," I whisper. Aunt Amelia was somebody I loved. She died, but she couldn't be my guardian angel because Kayleigh said they protect you from the bad things. She would have protected me from the things Peter did to me if she was my guardian angel. "That's silly," Kayleigh laughs, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. "Everybody has a guardian angel. There must have been somebody you loved that died like my mommy and daddy. Who do you know that died?" Kayleigh questions me. "I loved my Aunt Amelia and she died." I share with her. "She wouldn't wake up in her bed one night." "Then she's your guardian angel." Kayleigh tells me. "My mommy and daddy died in a car accident when I was a baby. I don't remember them. Do you have a mommy and daddy?" "I had a mommy once," I answer, quietly. This was the first time in a long time that I have thought about my mommy. "Ms. Adrienne said my mommy is sick and can't look after me. I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her in a long time. I never had a daddy. When I lived with Aunt Amelia, I used to think he was a superhero. He's not a superhero anymore though, because he didn't save her. Do you think your mommy and daddy are friends with my Aunt Amelia? Since they are all guardian angels?" "All the guardian angels know each other. They all live in a castle in the clouds with the tooth fairy. If you talk to the guardian angels, they hear you. I talk to my mommy and daddy all the time. When I was little, they used to come visit me. Does your Aunt Amelia visit you?" I shake my head, really confused now. "How could Aunt Amelia come visit me if she's dead?" I ask, unsure to how Kayleigh could know so much more about death then me. I thought I knew a lot but Kayleigh knows a ton. "Sometimes, when someone you love dies, you can see them. They are called a ghost. Only people you really love can come back to see you. Sometimes my mommy and daddy talk to me too. My mommy sings me to sleep when I'm sad." My eyes widen at what Kayleigh is telling me. So far, I learned from talking to her, that Aunt Amelia is my guardian angels and sometimes they visit you. I really wanted my Aunt Amelia to come visit me. "How do you get them to come visit you?" I marvel. "You can't get our guardian angels to come visit you. You never know why they are coming. Sometimes they come at night too. My mommy and daddy come in my dreams and we go lots of places. But you have to think nice things before you go to sleep for them to come. They-" Kayleigh's cut short, by a knock at the door. It opens and Nathan pokes his head in. "Alright girls," He says. "Lights out." Kayleigh and I giggle and cuddle under the blankets we took on from her bed because we had made the castle out of mine. "Own bed Kayleigh," Nathan gives the two of a stern look but Kayleigh doesn't move. We indent our bodies closer together, hoping Nathan doesn't come and move us. Then, we glance out of the castle at him with pleading eyes. "Okay you two. Just for tonight." Kayleigh and I get comfy again and Nathan flicks off the light, closing the door behind him. Kayleigh quickly falls asleep next to me. After a while, I fall asleep next to her, hoping what Kayleigh told me about seeing our guardian angels in are dreams is true. If it is true, then I am dying to see my Aunt Amelia. _

I never really believed in the whole karma thing to be honest. It didn't seem realistic to me. Growing up, I've always been the victim. Even when I wasn't the victim, I would still play the victim card. I hate admitting it, but I was the kind of kid who craved attention. While I was in foster care, especially after I thought Aunt Amelia had died and Peter brought me back to Little Flower, I constantly craved attention. Despite being surrounded by a million other kids my age, I was so lost, so lonely, and scared. Even though I had Kayleigh to talk to, I still felt so alone. There were times, when I felt like I was the only person in the world. So I started to act out, play pranks and throw unnecessary tantrums. The workers, who worked at Little Flower, didn't know how to calm me down like Aunt Amelia used to. I was put into the cool down room more times then I can count on two fingers. The workers didn't hug me when I cried. They didn't stroke my hair when I had a nightmare or kiss my forehead. Instead, they trapped me inside a cool, dark, damp room. Somewhere along the line, I didn't realize or think of it until now, but the karma somehow came back to me. Now, I believe the whole what comes around goes around thing to be absolutely real. I guess, you could say that as a kid, I set myself up for karma. There are times, when I still do. Think about it, since I've met Addison and Derek, I crashed Addison's car; they sent me back to foster care so they could "figure" things out. That's called karma. I stole Addison's bag, and then almost drowned. That's also karma. Then, I almost jumped off a building, and now Aunt Amelia is leaving me again. I guess, what I am trying to say is that you can't escape karma. Eventually, all the bad things you've done to people even out, and they all come back to you. What goes around comes around. Karma. It's an endless cycle. I mean, you'd think I would of learned the whole karma aspect the first time it came back around or the time when I told Aunt Amelia I hated her and she "died". I have probably experienced karma at least a million times in my life without realizing it. Everyone has. I believe karma to be part of life. Either you just have to expect the fact it's there and deal with whatever consequences karma throws back at you, or your other option is not do anything bad at all. I'm not the best at dealing with consequences; it's not a secret. But then again, I'm not exactly a Saint. There have been plenty of things I have done, that I have regretted the next day, but it's life, it's karma and the only thing we can do is wait it out. Wait for the storm to pass. Remember, what goes around come back around. I think that's the best part of waiting karma out, is knowing right now, as I speak karma is somehow going back to the last person who has hurt me. I like knowing, that they're going to get hurt too.

The knock on the door of the room I'm in startles me causing my body to jump out of the ball I've curled myself up into. An uncomfortable shiver goes up my spine as I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting more than ever to disappear; or at least be in the brownstone with Derek and Addison. The person knocks again, and the bedroom door creaks open. I hold my body tighter, while warm sharp tears slowly fall from my watery eyes.

"Go away Aunt Amelia," I mumble through my tears, assuming it's her who's walking towards the bed. "Go away. Just go away." I desperately beg. After the big bombshell she landed on me earlier, I'm not in the mood to have her anywhere near me.

"I'm not Amy, Jules," Carolyn's soft voice greets me, giving me a nickname to go along with the rest of her family. Derek told me on the drive over, that Carolyn nicknames everyone. She purposely named Derek and his sisters so that their names could be shortened.

Carolyn's hand goes onto my back, beginning to rub slow gentle circles around it. I flinch a bit, uncurl myself from the ball I'm in and shuffle my body closer to the headboard, to be out of her reach. I have always been hesitant in regards to people touching me. Especially people I don't know or know very well. And well, lets face it, even though Carolyn is my grandmother, I've only met her twice and just because I let her comfort me at the hospital the last time I saw her, doesn't mean I'm going to let her comfort me every time I'm upset. I barely know the women.

"I'm sorry sweetheart," she says, looking startled and a bit offended. I know Carolyn means well; don't get me wrong, but sweetheart? Really? I'm thirteen not five. "I know I'm not Amy. I could go get her for you if you want?" At this comment, I clench my fists and shake my head rapidly. If Carolyn goes to get Aunt Amelia, then I'm leaving. "Well is there anything I can do for you then? Do you want to call Derek maybe?" She asks when I don't respond to her pervious question.

My eyes widen at this as I nod my head. I'd rather have Carolyn call Addison, but Derek's the next best thing. Besides, maybe Addison will answer anyways. "I want to go home," I whisper.

Carolyn gives me a sympatric smile and reaches over to the telephone that's sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. She punches in the number and we wait for Derek or Addison to pick up the other line.

"Derek!" Carolyn exclaims cheerfully when my father answers the phone, while my heart drops, disappointed it isn't Addison on the other line. "I have someone here who wants to talk to you," Carolyn winks at me, handing the phone over.

With my hands shaking, I bring the receiver up to my ear. I didn't really want to talk to Derek. I didn't want to ask him if he could bring me home. I wasn't sure what time it was, but I didn't want him to get mad at me for calling, especially if he and Addison were still out. Plus, it's an hour drive from the brownstone to Carolyn's house. I doubt he'll want to make the trip.

"It's 2 am Mini D," Derek grumbles, his voice gravely. "What's wrong?"

"You said this was going to be fun. Being here isn't fun," I sob uncontrollably. "I want to go back to the brownstone. I don't want to be here anymore. Please don't be mad."

"I'm tired, not mad," Derek ensures me. "I'll come get you Mini D, if that's what you want. It's going to take me a little while to drive there. Why don't you get Mom to make her famous blueberry pancakes while you wait? They always make everything better" He suggests, which somehow makes me feels better.

"Okay," I giggle, agreeing with him. "I think I can do that."

"I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm leaving now okay?"

"Okay," I acknowledge as the line on the opposite end goes dead.

"He's coming," I say excitedly to Carolyn, whipping the tears from my face. "He also said to ask you to make your pancakes for me. He said that they make everything better," I repeat the phone conversation to her.

"I think I can manage that," She winks at me again, pushing her self off my bed, and reaching out for my hand, pulling me up with her.

I follow Carolyn down the stairs, through the dinning room and into the vacant kitchen. I let out a sigh of relief because thankfully, Aunt Amelia isn't around. I take a seat upon the wooden stool and watch as Carolyn starts to move around the kitchen, gathering the ingredients she needs for the pancakes.

"Amy means well, she really does. She didn't mean to hurt you," Carolyn tells me, pouring the flour into the mixing boul. I don't really want to talk about Aunt Amelia right now. But, I don't want to be rude to Carolyn, so I decide it's better to not say anything. "Since Christopher died, Amy's been though hell and back. She's always seemed so empty, like a part of her was missing, you know? Now you're here, and she's herself. She's full. She's happy again. You really mean a lot of her."

Carolyn smiles at me, while I frown. I'd rather not be talking about Aunt Amelia's relationship and mine right now. Especially since she's leaving. Just thinking about the fact makes me upset.

Carolyn walks over to the fridge and takes out a carton of eggs. She then begins cracking them into the bowl one by one, as my eyes land on an old photograph on the fridge. I slide off the stool and walk over to it to get a better look. Studying the picture, I recognize both my father and Aunt Amelia right away. Derek's three other sisters are in the photograph as well. I don't really know them that well to be able to tell them apart. Looking at the photo more, I realize I look like Aunt Amelia more then Derek, despite everybody saying I'm a clone of him.

"What was my dad like?" I suddenly ask Carolyn. Despite using this question as an excuse the change the subject, I'm actually kind of curious to know what Derek was like growing up.

"Your father?" Carolyn repeats my question, while she beats up the pancake batter. "Derek was very strong willed and head smart. He and Amy were always close. One Christmas, before Christopher died, Derek got a magic kit. He insisted he was going to be the world's next greatest magician. He practiced every single day after school. After about a week, he realized he couldn't be the world's greatest magician without an assistant. So Derek coaxed Amelia into being his."

I giggle at the thought of Derek running around the house, chasing Aunt Amelia with a magic wand, forcing her to help him practice magic. Carolyn turns her attention back to the pancakes sizzling on the stove and starts to flip them over. While she isn't looking, instead of putting the photograph back onto the fridge, I fold it up, and put it into the back of my shorts pocket and climb back up on the bar stool. I know it's wrong to steal, but there's still that slight chance in the back of my mind that things might not work out. In case they don't, I at least want to have something to remember my father by, even if he can at times be a jackass.

"Do you miss Christopher?" I question Carolyn, leaning forward and resting my elbows on the counter top.

"There's not a day that I don't. But it eventually gets easier you know?" Carolyn answers, turning around to face me.

"I didn't miss Frank when he died. I was happy that Frank died. I didn't even blink when I saw him get shot. When they took Ainslie away, I missed her, but eventually I got over it. But when I thought Aunt Amelia died I missed her so much. For the longest time, I thought I killed her because I had told her I hated her. I thought it was my fault that she died. And now she's leaving again." I croak, my eyes beginning to feel watery again. "This is my fault too."

"Look at me," Carolyn demands, walking across the kitchen to where I am sitting. She places her hand on top of mine. "None of what has happened to my daughter is your fault. What has happened to Amy really isn't her fault either. It's true, she's made some bad choices in her life, but she's turned her life around tremendously. You helped her do that. She loves you more than anything else in the world. You mean everything to her."

Over the past week, since I've been in New York, and since Aunt Amelia has come back into my life again, she has told me countless times how much I mean to her. I can't let myself believe it, because if I do mean a lot of her, then she would have actually found me once she came out of the hospital. Hearing Carolyn say this somehow helps me realize, that maybe I do mean more to Aunt Amelia then I let myself believe I do.

Carolyn plops three of the pancakes onto a plate and places it in front of me. She takes the syrup out of the fridge, then reaches into the cupboard, takes out a cup and pours me a glass of milk, putting them both on the counter within my reach.

I'm on my second helping of pancakes when Derek lets himself into the house and joins Carolyn and I in the kitchen.

My fork drops onto my plate in relief, happy to see my father for once. I'm so overjoyed by his presence that I'm tempted to run and hug him. For the better, I decide against it.

"Hi, Ma, Mini D. Where's Amy?" He greets us, questioning.

"Last time I talked to her, she was upstairs packing. I'm assuming she's asleep now," Carolyn responds taking another plate out of the cupboard. "Do you want pancakes Derek?" Carolyn asks, and somehow on cue, Aunt Amelia appears.

I take one look at her, jump up off the stool, grab my father's arm and pull him towards the door.

"I want to go," I demand. "I want to go now." I slip into my flip-flops and reach for my book-bag while Derek puts on his shoes.

"I'll take a rain-check Ma," Derek hugs her. "We'll stop in and see you before we leave though."

"Julia," Aunt Amelia begins, following us into the front porch.

"Don't—" I cut her off. "Just don't." I then turn to Carolyn and give her a hug. "Thanks so much for the pancakes, Mrs. Shepherd. Derek's right. They really are the best." I add, trying to be polite. Plus I'm still unsure what to call her. Since I'm not really to call Derek, dad, well to his face anyway, I'm still not ready to call Carolyn grandma.

"Your very welcome," Carolyn smiles as we break away from the hug.

Reaching for the door, with watery pools in my eyes, I take one last look at Aunt Amelia. "There was never forever and ever." I whisper, letting myself out of the house, not looking back.

* * *

**Derek's POV**

I've driven about three quarters of the way home. Mini D's asleep, resting her head on the window, arms hugging her legs. Well, that's what she wants me to believe anyway. She's pretending to be. Every so often, when I look over at her, I notice a tear or two escaping out of the corner of her eye. She's exhausted. I wouldn't blame her. I am too. The last couple of nights haven't really been easy on any of us. Hell, the last several months have been tough. Despite everything that's been happening, things have been getting easier. After the whole shit show the other night, I thought Julia going to Carolyn's for the night, to spend time with Amy would help her unwind. I didn't realize Amy was planning on leaving so soon. It's an understandable situation though, but to my daughter, it's the end of the world. Amy means everything to her. Now, that she's leaving, Mini D is heartbroken. She's traumatized all over again. That last thing I wanted to do was hurt her again. Sometimes, I wonder if she'll ever be able to fight through, to finally let go of everything that's happened to her in the past. Sometimes, I wonder if Addison and I will ever get though our strained relationship. We have to though. Julia needs Addison and I together. She needs stable parents. I need Addison and I to be together, because to be honest, I don't think I could do this parenting thing without her. I wasn't ready 15 years ago to be a parent and I still don't feel like I'm completely ready now. I'll learn over time though, I'm sure of it. As time goes on, things will eventually get better too, and everything will be okay again. I'm sure of it.

I pull the rental car into the driveway of mine and Addison's brownstone, turning off the engine. Julia stirs a little as I unbuckle my seatbelt, get out of the car, and walk around to the passenger side. I open the car door and unbuckle Julia's seatbelt.

"We're home," I whisper, picking her light body up into my arms.

"Thanks for coming to get me," She mumbles, sleepily as I let the two of us inside. "I'm happy you and Addison are my family." Julia nestles her head into my chest. "I've always wanted a family."

"Well, now you have one." I confirm, opening Julia's bedroom door and placing her down on the bed. I take off her shoes, and place a blanket over her. "Have good dreams okay?" I command, kissing her forehead and make my way out of her bedroom.

I'm in bed no more then five minutes when I hear the sound of the floor boards squeaking in the upstairs hallway. I sit up to see a dark shadowy figure standing in mine and Addison's doorway.

"Can I sleep here?" She asks quietly, walking towards the bed.

Before I can respond, Julia has herself up on our bed, curled up against Addison. Watching the two of them cuddle up together, I somehow get the reinsurance I need, and I once again know, that everything will eventually be alright.

* * *

**Julia's POV**

I open my eyes the smell of bacon flowing through the brownstone. I sit up in Derek and Addison's bed, looking around the room for them. They were nowhere to be seen, so I decided to follow the smell, downstairs and into the kitchen. Derek was at the stove, making what looked to be bacon and eggs. Addison sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in her hands, but she wasn't alone. Aunt Amelia was there too. I groan at the sight of her, and take two steps backwards. I'm about to twist my body around, and make a dash back upstairs but Addison notices me.

"Look who finally decided to join us," She jokes. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah, for once. I missed you," I admit, walking over to where Addison is sitting, trying not to make eye contact with Aunt Amelia in the process. "Did you and Derek have a good time out?"

Addison nods and then opens her arms for a hug. "It was nice to catch up with some old friends," She tells me as I lean towards her, embracing the hug. "I'm sorry I couldn't come with Derek to pick you up. I had a little, too much…" Addison tries to explain to me, which she seems to have trouble doing.

"You don't have to explain, Addison." I try and make things easier for her. "It's not like you're my mother or anything," I say more harshly, then I mean to. The sentence kind of just slipped out.

The offended look on Addison's face, makes me feel incredibility bad. "Addison, I'm…I er…I didn't mean to say it like that. I swear. It slipped out," I try and apologize to her, but can't come up with the words to do so. I guess, Addison not coming with Derek last night upset me more than I thought it did.

"It's okay Mini D," Addison assures me, her face looks pale as she takes a sip of coffee. After she puts her coffee mug back down on the table. She takes her hands and begins rubbing circles around her temples. Addison's hangover was not helping this situation any.

"On that note," Derek jumps in, trying to be the peacemaker. "Amy and I have been doing some talking and the whole, you know, her leaving situation. I suggested maybe you fly to Maine on the weekend, then Amy suggest you fly back with her, today for the rest of the summer….it's up to you though Mini D. It's okay with Addison and I. We're not trying to get rid of you or anything. We thought this way, you'll get the time with Amelia that you need."

My jaw drops and my eyes widen. Derek's statement totally caught me off guard. I don't know what to think about it to be honest. Inside, I'm dying with excitement because, of course I really want to go. I'm actually surprised Aunt Amelia suggested it. She must of felt bad after our argument last night, and wanted to make things up to me. I need to give her credit though; she is trying. Maybe, a month apart is actually what my family needs.

"It was your idea?" I ask Aunt Amelia, still in shock. "Would it really be okay if I came with you?"

Aunt Amelia nods. "Derek and Addison thought it wasn't fair to keep you in a trailer in the middle of nowhere all summer, especially when they're working and you're not in school. And then there was the option of you being at the hospital everyday, but I don't think the Chief of surgery would approve. This way, you can come stay at my apartment with my roommates, and there'll always be someone at home."

"I..I..I want to Aunt Amelia. I really do, but what about you guys?" I turn back to Derek and Addison, concerned. I didn't want to come back to them divorced. "You'll be okay right? Nothings going to happen when I'm gone right?"

"We'll be fine, Mini D," Derek informs me. "Addison and I will work on our relationship while you're with Amy okay? We'll look into a school for you to start in the fall, and I want to look into family therapy as well."

I look up at him, even more surprised. "Family therapy?" I wonder, my stomach flutters with butterfly, excited that Derek, Addison and I are finally making progress.

"Addison and I both agree it's the best way to help us work things out. We want to get though this together, all three of us."

"What about your friendship with Mark? I want you to be best friends again. Please?" I beg, wanting desperately for Derek and Mark to work out their issues between them.

"I can't make any promises on that one," Derek says, as I frown disappointed. "But, I'll try." Derek decides to change his mind, after seeing the look on my face. "Now go get packed." He orders and points me in the direction of the stairwell. "Addison and I will drive you and Amy to the air port."

I nod again, excitement rushing though my body and hurry up to the room to collect my things. Derek, Addison and I are finally making progress as a family. I've got to admit, it's one of the best feelings in the world.

Derek, Addison, Aunt Amelia and I are at the JFK airport. It's busy for it being an afternoon of a weekday. But then again, I assume the airport is always busy. It was the last time, Derek, Addison and I got here, after the plane landed.

* * *

We've just checked our baggage in and now the four of us are standing close by to the security gates. This is as far as Derek and Addison could go without purchasing a ticket. I look at the winding line of people in front of me and begin to feel intimidated. Immediately, I'm tempted to start chipping off my freshly painted fingernails. Instead, I bite my lip, trying hard not too, as my hand begins to shake with nervousness. Addison grabs hold of my shaky hand and places a kiss on my temple.

"Everything will be okay, Mini D," Addison attempts to comfort me. "Derek and I will see you in a month okay?"

I stare blankly ahead, suddenly not wanting to go through the never-ending line. A month is a really long time. I know Derek and Addison aren't trying to get rid of me, but last time they sent me away, it was for several months. I'm scared this month is going to turn into several. As much as I love Aunt Amelia, I'm scared they'll make me live with her forever and then I'll never get to see Derek and Addison again.

"What if you decide that you won't want me at the end of the month? What do I do then?" My eyes dart between Derek and Addison, intimidated.

"We'll always want you," Derek ensures me. "I promise, whatever happens, Addison and I will never put you back in the system."

"You won't?" I question, surprised and relieved all at the same time.

"We won't," Derek promises, pulling me in for a hug. "We're family remember?"

"Forever and ever," I giggle, winking at Aunt Amelia.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries.

And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal.

You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.

Things may have changed too rapidly to ever go back to what they were.

You might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all.

You're a whole new person, with a whole new life.

**- Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy**

_"Come on Julia! Hurry!" Kayleigh calls out to me quietly. I finish throwing the rest of my things in my backpack and hurry to join Kayleigh in the doorway of our room. We take our jackets off the hooks on the door, and put on our scarves and mittens, doing our best to try not to make any sound. It's nighttime and way past lights out. Kayleigh and I should be in bed, but we have other things in mind. The two of us are on our way to find Dr. Montgomery. Kayleigh has a cough, and this weird bruise on her back, that hurts whenever you touch it. When Kayleigh showed me the bruise earlier, I told her about Dr. Montgomery and how she can make everything better. Kayleigh suggested we go to the hospital I was at where I got shot and find here. So, that's where we are headed. The only thing is, I don't exactly know where we are. We aren't in the city, and the last time I drove away from the city was when I went to live with Jeff and Elizabeth and we had to take a ferryboat. I remember, that Peter and I didn't take a ferryboat to get here. I all knew is that the hospital was a really long ways away and that it was going to take all night for me and Kayleigh to walk there. Earlier, Kayleigh mumbled something about being in Long Island, but I have no idea where that is. I all know, is I think the hospital that Dr. Montgomery works at is in Manhattan because we used to live in a neighborhood outside of there before my mom got taken away. Once our winter stuff is on, we tiptoe out into the hallway and check to make sure the coast is clear. Then we run. We fly down the stairs, sneak past the check in table and to the main doors. We try to with all our might to push open the doors to the building, but the won't move. "They're locked, damnit!" Kayleigh shouts angrily and begins to kick the door. "This is so unfair!" Kayleigh slides down against the door and begins to cry. "I wanted Dr. Montgomery to make me better. You said she would make me better. You promised!" She yells at me. "She makes everybody better. She'll make you better," I promise. "If we can't find her, then my dad will make you better. He has superhero powers." "I want my mommy and daddy," Kayleigh cries into her knees. "I'm scared. I'm so scared." "It's okay," I hug Kayleigh trying to make her feel better. "If you talk to my daddy, he will make you better." "You really think so?" Kayleigh sniffles. I nod as my stomach feels empty. I decide to leave out the part where every since time I needed my superhero daddy, he never came and saved me. I just really hope this time he'll come and save Kayleigh. I really really really need him to. If I does, I'll forgive him for all the times that he never came to save me. If my daddy saves Kayleigh and fixes her to make things better, that means he won't be broken anymore. I really need him to not be broken anymore. _

I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered from everything I've been though. But right now though, I'm pretty close. I mean, in the last little while, the people who have meat the most to me have shown up in my life. They've shown me, that I don't have to go though the recovery process alone. Derek, Addison, Aunt Amelia and Mark want me to get better just as much as I want too. Hopefully now that we've been though the rough patches and that everything is out in the open—for the most part anyways, we can move forward. The only way we can more forward is to let go of the past. We need to let go of what has happened over the last little while. The thing is though, letting go is harder then it's made out to be. In order to let go, you need to forgive. That's hard for me to do. How am I supposed to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me? How am I supposed to accomplish that? The task seems impossible. I feel as if I will never be able to complete it. But everything takes time. Letting go of something that's hurting you doesn't just happen in a blink of an eye. It's a process; it's kind of like the recovery process in away. Right now to me, the recovery process seems like a never-ending rollercoaster. I'm tired of the ups and downs. For once, I just want things to stay the same. I happy were I am right now. I'm happy being with Derek and Addison. For the first time in a long time I am finally happy. I finally got Aunt Amelia back. I am blessed. I am loved and that's the way I've always wanted things to be. That's the way I want it to stay. I don't want things to go back to the way they were when I got to Seattle the first time. I don't want to go back to being the person I used to be. I like the person I am now. Somehow, though I haven't recovered, I am different. I like being somebody different. I like being happy. It's weird for me to feel this way, because before I hated life. I hated everything about it. Now when I look around, I see things differently. It's not that I'm fully healed from everything that I've been though, I don't think I'll ever be. But, I'm slowly starting to get better. Now, the only thing I have left to do, the only thing I've ever wanted to do, is forget my past. Let's just say, that isn't going to be anytime soon.

Wind screeches through the cracks of the jet way, echoing the falling splashes of rain thumping above me. I move through the tunnel, following the rest of the passengers whom are coming off the airplane and eventually make it out into the actual airport. I look around for baggage claim signs, trying to figure out where I have to go next to get out of this maze. I yawn, widening my tired bloodshot sleepless eyes in an attempt to keep them open. Sleep hasn't been able to come easily for me over the last month. My nightmares have gotten much worst. It used to be that after I had a nightmare I'd awake but then be able to fall back to sleep myself. It's different now. My nightmares have basically turned into night terrors that suffocate me with evil. In my night terrors, I feel as if someone else is controlling me. It's as if they're writing a story of my life and I'm forced to follow their every command. Inside my night terrors, I feel so much more alive. Everything seems so much more real. Then, I find myself constantly falling, falling, falling into darkness and that's all I remember. I awake confused, frightened and often in a place that isn't my bed. My first night terror, which took place the first night at Aunt Amelia's, was the worst. I don't remember what happened. I just remember waking up in the bathtub of Aunt Amelia's apartment in a cold sweat with an empty, dead, hollow feeling inside. That feeling hasn't left me since. Since that night, sleeping hasn't been the number one priority on my list. I hoped now that I was back in Seattle; my night terrors would turn back into nightmares again. I really hoped they would because Addison and Derek don't have any clue as to what's been going on. Sure, they called Aunt Amelia constantly to make sure I was all right. Even though I wasn't, I reinsured them time after time I was. At the time, when I made the decision not to tell them, I had wanted them to spend our time apart trying to fix their marriage and not having to worry about me. That's partly the reason as to why I stopped sleeping. I figured if Aunt Amelia saw that my night terrors were getting worst, she would tell my parents.

I gulp down dry saliva nervously and take a step forward into the terminal and begin following the other passengers towards the baggage claim, the place where Derek and Addison said they would meet me.

Every single emotion has run through my head since I've stepped on the airplane earlier today. To be honest, I didn't think I would have looked forward to coming back to Seattle as much as I have been for the last week and even more since the phone call I shared with Derek and Addison last night. They had both agreed to take the day off work and promised they both be here to pick me up. Then, it was planned that we were going to go stop in the hospital, pick up Mark and the four of were going to go out for lunch. Derek and Addison also said they had a surprise for me waiting back at the trailer and I have been curious even since to what it may be.

Sure saying goodbye to Aunt Amelia was hard, but I've realized there are a million ways I can keep in touch with her and plus, since Derek and Addison are my parents, I have to go wherever they go. Sometimes, I just wish they'd both be my parents for real and sign some stupid paper saying it. There's still a little part of me that's scared they might leave.

Minutes later, my feet step excitedly onto the escalator, cranking my neck, my eyes on the lookout for my father and stepmother. I step off the escalator and into the baggage claim area, unsuccessfully being able to locate either of them. I let out an upsetting sigh, hoping that they were just running late and walk over to the baggage claim to collect my luggage.

While I was in Maine, Aunt Amelia had taken me on numerous shopping trips saying I was in desperate need of a wardrobe update. Despite my insists not to go, Aunt Amelia basically styled and bought me a whole new wardrobe and because of the piles of clothes I now owned, she also bought me new luggage. I had spent a large majority of the plane ride wondering how my things were going to fit in our tiny trailer on top of Derek and Addison's stuff. To finish everything off, Aunt Amelia bought me a brand new blackberry curve, demanding I keep her updated on Derek and Addison's marriage situation and of course my life. When I had left New York, Derek had promised me he and Addison would work things out. I really did hope things were better between the two of them now then they were when I left.

While I wait for the baggage carousel to start, I turn my phone on to five unread text messages. Four are from Aunt Amelia, wanting to know if I had gotten to Seattle safely. I quickly replied back to her and then checked my last message from Derek. According to the text message, both him and Addison got called into the hospital. One of his patients flew in suddenly from out of state and Addison has back-to-back surgery. Apparently Mark also is just finishing up a last minute surgery and since Meredith was on my father's service, she would be picking me up and taking me to the hospital to wait for them.

I growl, rather pissed off at this, grab my two bags harshly off the luggage carousel. I look around the baggage claim area one last time, looking for Meredith this time. She's not anywhere to be seen, so I make my way to the airport's exit to wait for her. Taking my phone back out of my pocket, I flop myself down onto my luggage and start kicking the back of my suite case with my heels as I continue to wait impatiently for her. Finally after twenty minutes of staring at the automatic doors in front of me, Meredith rushes through them.

"There you are!" Meredith greets me trying to catch her breath. "I'm taking it you got Derek's message right?"

I roll my eyes, annoyed. I mean, why else would I be sitting on top of my suite case waiting for her if I didn't. "You're late," I point out rather rudely. Let's face it; I never liked Meredith that much to begin with. Really, I'm more irritated with Derek and Addison then anything else. I'm beginning to think they never took the day off.

"Parking here is crazy," Meredith mumbles, trying to make up an excuse for her lateness. "I only found out last minute I had to pick you up. I was planning on scrubbing in on a craniotomy and not being on babysitting duty. Plus there's no way I'm paying for parking. I don't make enough as it is," Meredith complains as I push myself up off my suitcase. "Ready to go?"

I manage to roll my eyes again, reaching for my bags. "I've been ready for the last twenty minutes."

"Can't you just let it go?" Meredith eyes me aggravatingly and heads for the exit. "Besides, it's not like I chose to pick you up." She announces, beginning to walk faster.

I struggle with my suitcases trying to keep up to her. "I get your mad. But do you really have to go taking everything out on me? It's not my fault Derek and Addison would rather put work ahead of picking me up at the airport and seriously, are you still mad at me because I called you a bitch?"

"You called me more than a bitch," Meredith reminds me, as we continue to hurry across the parking lot.

"I had every right too," I defend myself. "I saw you topless on top of him. My father's married did you forget?"

"It takes two to play the game," Meredith mutters, after letting out a sigh of relief, as we finally approach her Jeep Cherokee, which she has parked at the opposite end of the parking lot.

Meredith unlocks the jeeps doors, while I throw my bags into the back and climb into the front seat beside her. I buckle my seatbelt and we begin the drive to Seattle Grace Hospital. When Janet and I had taken a cab from the airport, the last time I had taken a plane here, I didn't really pay attention to the length of the ride. I remember the ride to the hospital being long, but I wasn't sure how long. I just hope this time the drive doesn't take forever, especially with the way our conversation was going. I figured the only way to make this go faster, was to at least find some level of peace with the woman.

"Your right," I agree with her surprisingly. "You knew Derek was married. You could have said no. Why didn't you say no?" I question Meredith, unsure. I mean she could have stopped herself. She's right it takes two to play the game, but it only takes one person to stop the game from happening.

For a while, Meredith doesn't respond. She keeps her eyes on the road and then suddenly out of nowhere, she glances over at me. We stare at each other for a few seconds and it isn't until Meredith's eyes are back on the road again that I realize what the look means.

"Oh my god," I shout out quietly. "You're in love with him aren't you? You're in love with my father!" I shake my head, not wanting to believe it. Yet it had to be the only possible explanation for the affair.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know he was married the first time we slept together. I didn't know Derek was going to end up being my attending. I didn't even know his name. He was just a guy at the bar and I was just a girl at the bar. I thought it was going to be a one-time thing. And then he was there and things let to another and-" Meredith tries to explain, attempting to make me feel better.

I cover my hands to my ears. Meredith's attempts weren't actually working. "I did not need to know that and it doesn't make me feel better." I snap at her. "Derek was married. He could have said no. Why didn't he say no?" I revise my question from earlier, trying to wrap my head around my father's perspective of things. My eyes widen as I realize that maybe the feelings between the two of them were neutral.

"If you didn't stop him and he didn't stop you, then he must have be, or must be…please don't tell me he's in love with you too. He can't be. I need him not to be. He's with Addison. I need him to love Addison." I croak, feeling tears from into my eyes. My stomach starts to feel upset as vomit forms with in it. My hands reach quickly towards my mouth, trying to keep the liquid inside.

Somehow, my wish for a long awaited family was slowly crashing down right before my eyes. This couldn't be happening. Things couldn't be worst then they were right now. I mean, unless you count me showing up at the hospital and finding Derek and Addison divorced.

"Do you need me to pull over?" Meredith cautions, slowing the car down. I manage to shake my head, knowing that if I were to say anything else, tears would start falling out of my eyes. The last thing I wanted was for this car ride to take any longer then it really needed to be.

"It doesn't matter," Meredith tells me as she glances over in my direction again. "Derek turned me down for Addison. Addison is his family. You're his family."

I look back too Meredith with more tears in my eyes. "I really really need this family." I whisper to her. I'm hoping maybe if she understands then she'll back off. "I finally have a family. I have a dad and a step-mom whom I might let be my mom someday. I want to like you. I would like you, if you stopped being in love with my father. I just really need this to work. It's not you. It's just that, it's always been Addison. I've always needed Addison. I'm afraid that if she were not with Derek anymore, then she wouldn't want me either. You can't keep sleeping with my dad because its hurting Addison and I need her. I just need her to be with my dad so she can be my mom."

"I'm sorry," Meredith apologizes. "I'll try my best to stay away. You can have your family. You can have Addison. I feel like she'd be a good mother." Meredith glances a sad smile at me.

I smile back rather shocked that she backed down so easily. "Me too." I acknowledge. "I feel like she would too."

Meredith turns her eyes back to the road while I rest my head against the window, watching the trees, which seem to be slowly passing by. I'm just really hoping Meredith says what she means.

Meredith finally pulls into the Seattle Grace parking lot. I wipe away some unnoticed tears and unbuckle my seat belt as Meredith turns off the jeep's engine. I run ahead of Meredith towards the hospital, not to worried about my bags, knowing I'll probably be getting them later anyway and besides, I'm anxious to see Addison and also to find Derek to confront him about this whole being in love with Meredith thing. It didn't occur to me until now that their feelings for each other may be neutral. It's true, I never really bothered to ask Derek the whole story about the situation between him and Meredith, but then again he never really mentioned it either. The only person who brought it up occasionally was Addison who had used the story to her defense in fights, when Derek would get on her case about Mark. I knew bit about the story from Frances but that was basically it. I remember, she had to me that Derek and slept with Meredith to get back at Addison for sleeping with Mark. I guess, that that's always what I had the assumption of. Even though, I'm pretty sure I already knew what Derek's answer was going to be, I didn't want to believe it and until I heard it from him, I refused to believe the truth.

I hurry through the electronic sliding doors and into a sterile, cooler environment. I shiver and tightly wrap my knitted cardigan around me while I wait impatiently for the elevator to arrive. The longer I wait, the more impatient I seem to get and the longer the elevator seems to take. I kick the elevator doors, frustrated and head in the direction the staircase is. I climb up the five storys of stairs and push open the heavy door, leading myself into the surgical ward.

My nose catches a big whiff of atanestheptic cleaner, along with the bloody, perfume, sweaty smell I so dearly missed. It's been almost two months since I've been here, and I've got to say, I've kind of missed the hecticness of the surgical ward. I notice the nurses whom happen to be over crowding the nurses station glance me rather noticeable death glares. I fiddle with my hair and look around me, trying to attempt to figure out why they were staring. I feel a finger poke into my side unexpectedly. The poke startles me as I sharply turn around to figure out whom the person is. Mark. Go figure.

"What'd you do this time?" I begin to interrogate him right off the bat, figuring the nurses were staring because of something he did. "Mark?"

"It's nice to see you too, Mini D," Mark jokes, half-heartedly.

"Really Mark," I torment, placing my hands on my hips. "What did you do?"

"The nurses are on strike," Mark answers me, unwillingly.

"On strike for what?" I command.

"It's grownup stuff, Mini D."

"Oh come on Mark," I whine, not wanting to deal with this nonsense on top of the Derek and Meredith stuff. "It's me you're talking to."

"That's the point." Mark replies, shuffling his feet. "It's you as in Derek's daughter. He thinks I'm telling you too much stuff that's unnecessary for you to know."

"He said that?" I raise my eyebrows unable to believe my father would have said something like that. Was he seriously trying to take on the protective role? "Well look around, my father isn't here is he. You can't leave the story at grownup stuff. I'm not stupid. In fact, I probably know more about grownup stuff than you. Spill the beans."

"You're lucky I can't say no to you, Mini D." Mark grins. "The nurses formed a group called Nurses United Against Mark Sloan—a.k.a me. There is…er how do I put it….unresolved sexual tension between them and uh…me. I've been trying to uh…er….get over Addison and uh well I ended up sleeping with a lot of nurses and now they all refuse to be on my service and basically hate me."

I burst out into a fit of giggles. Leave it to Mark. "You really screwed yourself over this time, didn't you Mark?" I say between gasps of air.

Mark, whom I'm guessing isn't really impressed at himself either, shakes his head and looks down to his feet. He's clearly upset.

"I missed you and your man-whore-ness," I admit after he doesn't respond. I lean towards him giving Mark another quick hug. I find it strange this Nurses Against Mark Sloan thing was bugging him. Normally Mark doesn't give a crap about these things. Not being able to perform surgery must suck, so I can't help but feel bad for him. Then again, I still find it hilarious. I can't help that either.

"I'm glad your back, Mini D. It's been boring around here with the nurses strike and Derek and Addison acting like a boring old married couple. Nothing's fun around here anymore." Mark sincerely tells me breaking the hug.

"It can't be that bad," I symphonize. "The drama around here can be entertaining at times, and you have Callie don't you?"

Mark nods, "Yes, there's Callie and the drama isn't always that amusing, especially if it's about you." The guilt in Mark's eyes changes to confusion as he takes a step back, studying my appearance. "There's something different about you Mini D," He acknowledges. "And I can't quiet figure out what it is." Mark's feet trace in a circle around me, his eyes go down to my small, newly developed breasts. Of course he had to notice them and not my very noticeable wardrobe update or my hair that has been newly styled, back to its original color—bringing my curls back to life. "Are those _breasts_ Mini D?" He jokes as my face turns bright red.

"Mark!" I shriek in embarrassment. My arms quickly cross over one another attempting to hide them from view. "Like seriously? Ew. Like really really ew. I can't believe you just said that."

"What?" Mark shrugs. "I'm just stating the obvious. If you're really that embarrassed about how small your breasts are, I could give you an implant." Mark teases me.

"So not funny. I'm Derek's daughter…did you forget?" I remind Mark as to what he told me earlier.

"How could I Mini D?" Mark smirks at me. "And weren't you the one to say you knew more grownup stuff than me?"

I groan. "Do you know where Derek is?" I figure it's time to go find my father and confront him about Meredith. As much as I would love to stay and chat with Mark, he has definitely taken his man-whore-ness a bit to far this time. Right now, finding my father, is much more important than standing around talking about my boobs.

"He's up in the pediatrics wing, waiting for his consult to get in. Anxious to see him?" Mark eyebrows me.

"Oh yeah totally," I say sarcastically. I turn my back and start skipping towards the elevator. "I mean, just wait until I tell him you've been checking out my boobs." I call back to Mark, tossing my head around and sending him a quick wink. I think it's his turn to be embarrassed now.

"Mini D…I didn't mean it like—" Mark hollers out to me, trying to justify himself.

I let out a laugh, loud enough for him to hear it, look back out my shoulder, smiling at him one last time—to let Mark know I wasn't actually being serious or upset about the whole thing before I step into the elevator. The doors close, and the surgical ward quickly becomes out of view. Mark and I tease each other and joke about things all the time. It's come to a point where I never take half the things he says seriously anymore. It's not like I'm actually going tell Derek on him. I just wanted to see his face. That's all. It was defiantly worth it.

I step off the elevator and in the pediatrics ward, which was still exactly the same as the last time I was here—when I stayed during my burn. When Janet let me stay with Derek and Addison, she made them promise to take me to see a therapist. That didn't exactly happen and then well, we ended up going to New York. It feels weird to be back on this floor, especially when it's completely different from the surgical ward.

The overly bearing nurses and doctors smile at me while I charge through the halls searching for my father. It doesn't take me long to find him, hunched over a patients file at the wings nurses station. As I stomp loudly up to him, Derek's back stays turned, too absorbed in whatever patients file he's reading, so I reach out a tap him on the shoulder.

Derek closes the binder, places it on the nurses station and turns his body around to face me. "Mini D!" He smiles seeing me standing there. Derek reaches his arms out for a hug. A hug? Seriously? It's true I've missed both him and Addison. But I think this month apart has brought us all further away from each other. I don't think I'm at that stage yet to be freely giving my father hugs. I mean I'm not even ready to call Derek 'Dad' yet, well at least to his face anyways.

I give him a disgusted look.

"What's wrong?" Derek asks, taking a few steps backwards noticing the look on my face. "Is this about Addison and I not being able to pick you up at the airport? I apologize Mini D. I really do. We both feel incredibly awful. It's kind of a little late for lunch, but I was thinking, depending on what time my consult shows up, afterwards the three of us could go for supper and then—"

"I wanted you and Addison to come pick me up. You promised you'd come pick me up," I interrupt him, upsettingly. "I understand that you're a doctor and sometimes you have to miss out on things, but you could have came to get me. Your patient still isn't here yet. You had time. Instead I had to sit though an agonizing car ride with Meredith Grey, whom told me things about your relationship I didn't want to hear!"

"Like what?" Derek wonders, concerned.

I take a breath and decide to come right out and confront him since it was kind of too late to back out now. "Like you being in love with Meredith Grey!" I bellow as the peds wing becomes completely quiet. All eyes are on Derek and I.

Derek and I are now completely quiet too. I didn't mean for what I said to come out as loud as it did. It kind of slipped out. I have a habit of saying words before I think sometimes. Derek opens his mouth to say something, closes it and then stares blankly at me, unsure as to what to say.

"Why don't we go talk about this in office?" Derek offers, calmly and professionally.

"I don't think I want to talk to you right now," I snarl, turning my head away so Derek doesn't see the hurt in my eyes. "I don't think I want to talk to you ever." I add in, just to make our argument a bit more dramatic.

Everyone around us slowly begins to go back to their previous work and their level of chatter raises to what it was before. Derek and I just stay staring at each other, my feet glued to the spot I am standing in. Don't get me wrong, I am right now very tempted to run away, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do so.

"Julia," Derek starts, his voice breaking the awkward silence we share. "I understand your upset about this. You have to understand Meredith and I happened before Addison showed up here. Meredith and I happened before you showed up here."

"To save you from the pain of explaining everything to me, I already know what went down, Derek," I cut him off. "But you were married. You and Meredith happened while you were married and while I've been here as well. I saw her on top of you," I remind him again, in case he's forgotten.

Derek gives me a his famous sympathetic look.

"Dr. Shepherd your consult is here," Meredith's appears out of nowhere ruining mine and Derek's moment. She's back in her light blue scrubs and not the clothes she was in earlier when she picked me up from the airport. She smiles up at Derek, giving him this dreamy serious look, which makes me want to vomit. I clear my throat, making it visible to them that I'm still here.

"Oh right," Derek turns back to me. I find it kind of funny how easily he forgets about me. "We'll talk about this later Mini D," He firmly informs me.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. You two go have your love affair. I'm going to find my stepmother."

Meredith looks awful offended towards what I just said and I can help but smirk. Somehow Meredith always chooses the worst moments to show up.

"Mini D," Derek warns, giving me this _your going to get it_ look and follows Meredith into a hospital room on their left.

I glance into the room as I walk past on the way to the elevators. The hospital bed contains a blonde haired blue-eyed teenage girl with awful familiar facial features while her family sits in the chairs, which are scattered around the room. A young boy, whom I assume is her brother is too absorbed in his Nintendo DS game to notice my father, has entered the room. An overly tanned blonde hair brown eyed women stands up along with a tanned black haired man wearing a suit to greet Derek and Meredith. The girl, unplugs her headphones from her ears, says something to Derek and then distractedly looks out the glass window into the hospitals hallway, our eyes meeting. The girl's eyes break into a sparkle as she smiles and waves at me. I heart literally skips a beat. It's Kayleigh.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N : **

**I would like to apologize for taking so long to write this chapter. I find while writing this story, I really drag the days out, therefore making more than one chapter for each day. So I am really trying to condense my writing a bit, but am struggling to do so. So if any of you have suggestions as to how to do so, let me know! **

**With that said, the next chapter will also take place in the same day. I wanted to put it into this chapter but I also wanted to give you guys an update. **

**Oh I wanted to let you guys know that university is finished for the year, except I am doing spring courses so that is four courses over the months of May and June and then at the end of June I start work. So even if chapters are taking a while to post, please stick with me. I don't want to give up this story. I promise I will try my hardest to write them sooner then this update. It all depends on how much readings and homework I have to do school wise. **

**I really don't know how I feel about this chapter, but I don't think it's bad. There's a part in Addison's POV when she mentions Derek picking up Julia from the airport-you know Meredith did, so I put a bit of a twist on it. Addison thinks that Derek did and doesn't know he got Meredith to. It will all come out in the next chapter though.. **

**And the lyrics, they don't really go with the story, well kind of they do but they're from my favourite singer at the moment, ANDY BROWN, the song is Emerald Eyes off his first album, but personally his newest album is the best. So if you like Grey's music, then check out Andy's stuff on youtube. He's literally amazing. **

**ENJOY THE CHAPTER AND LISTEN TO ANDY BROWN. It would mean the world to me if you did. **

**xoxoxo - J **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except, if there's an upside to free falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

**- Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy**

"_I can't believe you tried to runway and got caught, how stupid can the two of you get?" Leon, a boy from Side A points out. A bunch of kids in our side along with me and Kayleigh are all hanging out on our floors rec room. The TVs on with some Disney channel show, but nobodies paying attention to it. Everyone's curious about mine and Kayleigh's adventure we attempted to go on the other night and the punishment we received. Kayleigh and I share looks between each other. "It was mostly her fault," Kayleigh points a finger at me. It wasn't my fault at all. I don't understand why Kayleigh is blaming me all of a sudden. "Julia just wouldn't shut up after I her about Dr. Montgomery and how she came into my room at the hospital the night my parents died." Kayleigh lies, my eyes widen with hurt. I don't understand why Kayleigh would make something up like that. "She wanted to go find her. It was stupid and now I can't believe we are on dishes duty and banded from all trips and activities for two months." That's not what happened at all. Dr. Montgomery came into the hospital room when I got shot not when Kayleigh parents died. Why is she lying and being mean? "That's totally retarded," Snotty Karen joins in. "The punishment you got is totally uncalled for. It's all Julia's fault. I mean, your sick and they have you grounded?" Tears form in my eyes as I bit my bottom lip, fiddling with the ends of my hair. I try my hardest not to listen to me mean unreal things the other kids are saying about me. "So is Dr. Montgomery going to fix you?" Tommy, a boy who is around my age asks. "I don't know," Kayleigh beings to cry. It makes me want to hit her because I know it is fake. "Julia said her superhero daddy was going to fix me if Dr. Montgomery couldn't but I don't want him to fix me because he probably won't fix me as good as Dr. Montgomery would. She's the best doctor in the world and her superhero daddy probably want to fix me because he doesn't even want Julia so why would he want to fix me too?" "He does want me!" I stand up screaming as real tears fall from my face. "He does. He does. He does. He just hasn't found me yet." "He hasn't found you yet because he isn't real," Leon calls back. I clench my angry fists, trying to control my anger. "He probably never existed," Kayleigh tells me. "Yeah, superheroes aren't real, dumb ass," Snotty Karen calls out. Suddenly I can't control my anger anymore. My body flings on top of snotty Karen and I begin hitting her. Karen screams back at me, hitting me too as we role around on the ground. "Nathan! Nathan!" I hear Kayleigh yell for our floors support worker. "Nathan!" Footsteps run into the rec-room as arms grab a hold of my squirming, kicking body. "You guys don't know want your talking about," I yell trying to throw my fists at Snotty Karen again. More support workers run into the rec-room. Nathan carries me away as I still struggle in his arms. A while later, he throws me in the cool down room and turns the lights out so it is pitch black. I scream angrily, scared of being alone in the dark. I through my fits at the metal door and then kick my feet a thousand times over at the padded walls. I wasn't supposed to be in here. This wasn't my fault. It's Kayleigh's. I don't understand why she is being so mean to me. She hurt me a lot me more than I already was. Just having and thinking of Dr. Montgomery and my superhero daddy stops the hurting inside a little bit. Nobody understands the hurting I feel inside, not even me. Nobody will ever be able to understand what I am feeling and nobody knows what I have gone though. Nobody understands me at all. _

Falling. I hate the feeling of falling. I fall all the time in my nightmares through that endless black whole which, leads into the middle of nowhere. Falling is scary. When you fall, no matter what type of falling it is, you always end up falling fast and hard. When I fall, I find I always end up hitting rock bottom and somehow I become trapped there—that is until I start falling again. Falling is a never-ending cycle. There's the good falling. Falling head over heals in love; you know that type of stuff. When you're falling during the good falling, you actually want to fall. Well that's what I think anyways. I don't know for sure, because I've never felt the good falling. Then again, is the good falling really as good as it is made out to be? When experiencing the good falling, so many people want to keep falling so they push themselves. Fast and hard. I mean that is until the majority of these people crash and burn. Maybe, we have to let ourselves fall so we're able to learn these things. I think, in order to learn from our mistakes, we have to experience things first hand and then live with the consequences afterwards. Yeah it's true that consequences suck but I mean, how else are you going to learn from your mistake. If we don't learn from mistakes, we'll keep falling. We will keep making the same mistakes and the same choices over and over and over again. From living with Derek and Addison, I'm slowly starting to understand the importance of consequences. I've learned to understand that you have to take the fall for whatever you have done. However bad the consequence may be, I learned I have to own up. I learned I have to fix the mistakes I've made in the past so I don't start falling again. The thing is, when I fall there has never been anyone there to catch me. Too hold me. Too love me. There has never been anyone one there to explain the importance of consequences and why you have to follow through with them. I don't know if Derek and Addison know I fully don't understand everything about consequences. I mean, I used to get punished for things, which weren't even my fault. I got punished for the simplest things when I was younger. Often, the punishments I received where to far over the top. Sometimes, I'm scared Derek and Addison will punish me this way. Maybe that's why I still don't actually follow through with the little consequences they give me. I think that's why I refuse to own up to things because I'm so used to the big consequences. The only way I can normally get out of the consequences is to lie. Lying, I learned isn't a good thing either. By lying to get out of trouble I find that sometimes you get even bigger consequences then you would if you didn't lie. Sure big consequences can be scary. I mean, they're super scary to me. But eventually you have to let yourself fall and pray that someone will catch you. So here goes nothing. I'm going to try this falling thing again. I just hope Derek and Addison will be there to catch me this time.

**Julia's POV**

_Look us, I am spinning out, _

_Tied to what I said_

_In a war you've forgotten now_

_Love is innocent. _

I sit on top of the nurses' station swinging my legs back and forth. The nurses station almost gives me a direct view of Kayleigh's hospital room. Other than maturing, Kayleigh's facial features haven't changed one bit since the last time I saw her. Her hair's still the same golden blonde, and her eyes, a perfect bright blue. Her complexion is overall flawless. Just by looking at her, you never would have guessed she's been sick all these years.

Kayleigh's sickness was something we chose ignore when we were kids or more so I chose to ignore. I was seven at the time Kayleigh started to get sick, so at first I didn't really understand just how sick she was. Over time though, as her sickness started to progress, I just chose to ignore it and after the whole Dr. Montgomery thing, I just didn't care anymore. Even though Kayleigh reactions got the best of her that day, I pretended like it didn't happen. I realized, the first time Kayleigh had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night because her body started to seize, that Kayleigh couldn't be another Aunt Amelia. I couldn't lose her too, so I just ignored her health defects and blocked the sickness out of my memory.

Now, seeing that she is still sick, is making everything so much more real compared to when I was little. Seeing her sitting in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown and talking to Derek and Meredith is beginning to scare me. I should have reinsurance because Derek is her doctor, except I don't. My father is a world-class neurosurgeon, in reality there is no one better that could fix Kayleigh then him. After what Kayleigh said to me about my father, I don't think I'll ever have that reinsurance I need. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her. If I told Kayleigh about Derek being my father, she probably wouldn't believe it to begin with and if she did, then she probably wouldn't want him to fix her. The only person Kayleigh really wanted to fix her was Dr. Montgomery and even though Addison is somewhere in this hospital as I speak, she fixes babies, so for Kayleigh to be her patient would be totally out of the question anyway. So really Derek is the next best thing and now, I need him to fix her more than ever. Kayleigh and I have so many things to catch up on. I need her to survive this surgery to tell her about who Derek really is. So I need Derek to be a God. I need him to show Kayleigh that superheroes really do exist.

I watch as Derek leads the overly tanned women and the man who's wearing the suit out of Kayleigh's hospital room and into the hallway. I can tell he's explaining something to them because of the way he is moving his hands. The man in the suit nods says something to the overly tanned women whom I assume is his wife. She laughs and touches her husband's shoulder. Derek then begins walking the opposite way towards the elevators. The couple follows him. While they are waiting for the elevator, Derek sends me an emphatic look, which I choose to ignore. The elevator dings and its doors open. I jump down off the nurses' station and start towards Kayleigh's hospital room, as suddenly footsteps echo out of it.

"Mom! Dad! Wait!" The red hair boy calls, running down the hall towards the elevator.

The man in the suit holds the aluminum doors open and the boy joins them inside. I stare at the elevator confused, wondering where Derek is taking the three of them. I shrug it off however, and hurry the rest of the way into Kayleigh's hospital room.

"Julia Shepherd!" Kayleigh shrieks when she sees me coming into the room. She bounces up wards, making Meredith lose the vein she was trying to take blood from. "Oh my God!" She shrieks again. Meredith looks up this time. First her eyes shift towards Kayleigh, and then move over to me.

"Kayleigh!" I squeal back.

I run the short distance to the foot of her hospital bed climb up and crawl over to her as we collapse both our bodies in a hug. She joins me in another fit of squeals.

"What are you doing here?" We break away from the hug. I'm now officially curious to find out what Kayleigh's diagnosis is. "How are you still sick?"

"I had cancer," Kayleigh tells me. "Or rather have cancer. It came back and now I need to get surgery. I have a Medulloblastoma Brain Tumor. Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey are taking it out tomorrow."

"Dr. Grey, this is Julia, my best friend from hell." Kayleigh introduces me to Meredith who is pretending to be reading over Kayleigh's file. She looks back up again and smiles. I gulp hoping Meredith will play along.

"Hell?" Meredith eyes shift from me to Kayleigh.

"Foster care. Little Flower Residential Home," Kayleigh confirms. "Are you still in hell?" Kayleigh wonders looking to me.

"I'm still in hell," I mumble.

Derek and Addison still haven't been granted permanent custody yet meaning that I am technically still a child of the state belonging to social services. Therefore, I'm still kind of am in hell It's just more or less a different type of hell.

"That's shitty, so you still don't know where your mom is?"

I shake my head. I honestly have no idea where Ainslie is. She's not a person I think about everyday, or care to have in my life. I haven't been living with Derek and Addison very long and despite that, Addison has already been a better mother figure to me than Ainslie ever has and she isn't even blood related. If I ever had to choose between the two of them, I think I might pick Addison over her.

"Who knows? My guess is that she' rotting in a jail cell somewhere."

Kayleigh giggles. "I think she's a bitch for not wanting you."

"Living with her would probably be worst then foster care anyway," I reason. "I'll probably be stuck here forever." I mean, at the length of this progress is taking for Derek and Addison to get full custody of me, I'll be 18 and out of the system at this rate.

"Maybe you don't have too," Kayleigh sits up straighter, "Did you ever figure out who your Dad was or is?"

I gulp again, suddenly nervous as I glance over to Meredith for comfort. The whole Derek situation is a mess. I don't want to jinx anything that might happen to screw things up even more and I can't stop thinking about what Kayleigh said to me about my father that day. I need him to be here doctor right now, because there's no one better than him to fix her. I'm scared she won't want Derek to be her doctor once she finds out the truth and if somebody else tries to fix her, I am scared she won't be fixed. I honestly think the whole thing with my dad being her doctor was meant to be.

"I asked social services about him when I was younger. I asked them if I could live with him," I lie. "They told me that if he wanted me, I would be there right now and that he was probably dead or in prison with Ainslie. I figure he's probably dead."

"You'll get a better father," Kayleigh ensures me. "And he will be the best dad in the whole entire world. You don't need your biological father. He probably doesn't love you anyway. I'd rather get adopted and be loved then live with someone that doesn't love and doesn't want me."

I nod. "I guess your right," I agree, feeling hurt deep down inside. Maybe Kayleigh's right and that I would have been better off adopted. Maybe everything that's happened recently is too good to be true.

"Ahem." The familiar voice makes my body jump as I spin around to face nobody else but Derek who somehow managed to magically teleport from his office and is now standing at the foot of Kayleigh's hospital bed along with the people I assume to be Kayleigh's adoptive parents. My jaw literally drops.

My cheeks instantly become very warm and a pounding sensation gushes through my head. Streams of guilt burden throughout my body, making me feel as if I am piece of cement being crushed into the ground by a steamroller. My shame filled eyes meet Derek's and from the displeased look upon Derek's face, it's easy to tell he's heard most of the conversation Kayleigh and I just shared.

The right thing to do right now would be come clean and tell Kayleigh the truth. Except for some reason, there's something holding me back from doing so.

Meredith gets up off the stool, which she was sitting on, closes Kayleigh's file and walks over towards Derek. I notice Derek and Meredith exchange identical looks, as she compels her body next to Derek so their shoulders are touching. She still positions her body in a spot far enough away attempting to keep things between the two of them as professional as possible.

"Dr. Grey will monitor you through the night to make sure your stats are good and clear to go into surgery tomorrow." Derek thankfully ignores my comment and goes along with the professionalism that's playing out. However, with the death glare he's now sending me from across the room, I know I'm going to be in for it later. "I'll come check on you tomorrow, re-explain the surgery again while Dr. Grey preps you before you go into the OR. Your parents already have signed the surgical consent forms, so tomorrow we're all good to go."

"After your surgery tomorrow, if everything goes well, you'll be cancer free," Meredith smiles.

"What do you mean_ if_ everything goes well? Mom and Dad said there's nothing to worry about this time since Dr. Shepherd is a world class world surgeon." Kayleigh sulks exaggerating the 'if'.

"Every surgery comes with complications." Meredith tries to explain.

"Your telling me that Dr. Shepherd might not be able to operate all of it this time?" Kayleigh's eyes widen.

"Kayleigh, Dr. Shepherd already explained the consequences of the surgery to us when we met with him in New York last time. There's a risk with every surgery, " Kayleigh's father, the man in the suit jumps in, attempts to comfort his daughter.

"According to your MRI results, and where the tumor is located within the cerebellum I'm fairly certain I'll be able to take the whole tumor out," Derek steps in, giving Kayleigh reinsurance.

"That's what my last doctor said," Kayleigh whines. "And he turned out to be a prick."

Derek face turns white from the unexpected comment and I hear Kayleigh's mom let out a gasp.

"He's going to fix you," I jump in, honestly having enough of Kayleigh's negative comments towards my father. I feel guilty enough as it is for lying about him. "Dr. Shepherd is the best neurosurgeon in the hospital. No, he's the best doctor in the world. He'll take the tumor out. I promise."

"Just like you promised Dr. Montgomery and your superhero daddy would? No offence but your promises suck."

If only Kayleigh knew whom Derek really was. I get that she's mad about being sick and the possible complications that might come along with her surgery, but she just can't take it all out on me. "Yeah well Dr. Montgomery can't fix you because she's a neonatal surgeon and I didn't know that when I told you and it wasn't my fault I didn't know that my father didn't want me." I fight back, offended.

"How do you know Dr. Montgomery only a neonatal surgeon? I bet she probably isn't even real. I bet your just making this whole thing up because you've always been jealous of me."

I stand up outraged. It's true I've been jealous of her getting adopted but I would never lie about Dr. Montgomery. Out of everyone, Kayleigh knows how much I value Dr. Montgomery. I don't understand why I am so upset at the moment. Now, I finally have something she doesn't. I have Dr. Montgomery. I have Addison. I value that more than anything. Maybe it's time to let her be jealous of me for once.

"Dr. Montgomery is too real," I yell maybe a little too loudly. "She's the best doctor in this hospital. She's the best doctor in this world. How can you say she isn't real?"

"How do you know she's real?" Kayleigh hassles me.

"Because I found her. Because she's in this hospital." I spurt out at her. "I'm going to go get her. I'm going to prove that she's real. Then you can't say you don't believe me anymore.

I scurry down the pediatric wing towards the elevators without looking back. I had to go find Addison and then bring her to see Kayleigh. It's the only way I'll be able to prove she's real.

* * *

**Addison's POV**

_By the way you have lost me now, _

_Tied to what I did_

_In a world you've forsaken now_

_Does love mean anything? _

I find it hard to believe that just about a month ago, Derek and I dropped his daughter off at the New York airport. The month without her being with us, had gone unbearably slow. Both Derek and I had spent the majority of the month at the hospital. Between catching up on the surgeries we missed and the marriage counseling we promised Mini D we would continue to undergo, Derek and I found ourselves basically living at the hospital and barely talking to each other only when we called Mini D together. By attending marriage counseling, it ended up putting an even larger strain on our marriage. I'm hoping the result we receive from the family counseling I scheduled us to undergo will be better. I'm also hoping with Mini D being back, things will start looking up and maybe go back to normal, whatever our normal is in this family.

Originally, the plan was for Derek and I to go pick Mini D up from the airport together. Except, one of my patients went into unexpected labor and needed an emergency C-section. I was beyond disappointed that I couldn't go with Derek to go put Mini D up. It's been over a month since both Derek and I have seen her and I never thought I'd say this, but it's been kind of lonely without her around. Even Derek's mentioned once or twice that he missed her.

Speaking of Derek, he had also got called into the hospital today due to an out of state consult, but luckily he still had time to go pick Julia up from the airport and drop her off in my office before hand.

After tracking Mini D's flight through the Sea-Tac website for the thousandth time, I let out a deep sigh. The website stated that her flight had arrived over an hour and a half ago and there was still no sign of either of them.

I pick up my iPhone, tempted to call Derek to get an update on the whole Mini D situation. I'm about to dial his number when there's suddenly a knock at my office door. "Come in," I shout, putting my iPhone back down on the desk.

The door creeks open and revels what appears to be newly transformed version of my stepdaughter. The transformation I assume must be Amelia's doing. I smile at her as Julia approaches my desk slowly and carefully.

"Look at you!" I exclaim, opening my arms to welcome her home. "Did you have a good time with Amelia?"

Julia shrugs her shoulders and walks over to the front of my desk, ignoring the hug I wanted to give her.

"Addie," She whispers, fiddling with the ring on her finger. Her voice is extremely soft. "I need you." Julia's head moves to the ground and she shuffles her feet, nervously. "I screwed things up."

I study the girl through the tips of my reading glasses. How on earth the she manage to screw things up already? But then again it is Mini D we are talking about.

"What happened? Is everything okay?" Material instincts immediately come over me.

For Julia, I know she has a difficult time asking people for things, but for whatever she's asking of me know, I know it's got to be big.

"I just…I just…need you right now," Julia stumbles as she looks around my office, avoiding eye contact. "Everyone's mad at me," She moans, plopping down on the espresso colored sofa, which presses against the pumice colored walls that surround my office.

I give Mini D an empathic look before walking over and sitting on the identical colored armchair.

"How is it that I haven't even been here a day yet and everyone hates me?"

"I find it hard to believe every hates you." I comfort her. "I don't hate you. So there's one less person to take off your list. Mark doesn't hate you. He wouldn't shut up about you coming home today and I'm sure Derek doesn't either."

"But he does Addie," Julia whines, dramatically. "He's always hated me because he's never wanted me to begin with. Maybe I would have been better off getting adoptive by complete strangers who would actually want me and not think I am a burden on their lives."

My eyes widen not just at the remark Julia makes but also the word she used in her remark. Adoption. For some reason, throughout this whole process the word has never entered my mind. Partly, because this whole process is a custody issue since Derek is Julia's biological father. But in reality, in order for me to gain full custody of her along with Derek, I would have to adopt. Right now, the state has full custody of Julia. The downfall being that Ainslie, Julia's biological mother still has her parental rights and therefore, if she was approved by the state of New York, then Ainslie could receive custody over me, which is something I don't want to happen.

"Mini D," I say as I get up from the armchair and move onto the sofa, sinking into the cushions beside her. "I missed you ever single day while you where in Maine. Mark counted down the days until you came home and your father, well he missed you the most of out any of us. This hasn't been easy for any of us. But none of what's happen between Derek and I is your fault. I promise we're figuring things out okay? We'll get through this. Derek and I will figure things out. Is that why your having second thoughts about going through with this?" I wonder, apprehensively.

Mini D nods biting down on her trembling bottom lip, looking straight ahead pass my desk on the opposite side of the room and into the great beyond. I can tell she's hurting just from the sight of her and from knowing she's hurting, I'm starting to hurt for her.

"It's just that Kayleigh said some things that maybe made me think that..." She pauses. "I don't know why I let what she says effects me so much. I mean, she's my best friend. She may not be a very good best friend and I'm probably not a good best friend either. I mean I don't really even care that she's here in the hospital getting surgery. There's just sometimes I really want to hate her. She always rubs everything in my face just to make me more jealous of her because she knows I've always been jealous of her for getting a family before I did and I can't help but be angry with her because she had two perfectly good families and I can't even get one." Julia's eyes lock with mine. The puddles, which have formed in them, are about to over flow any minute.

My heart aches for the teenager sitting on my sofa. She's been through enough hurt and enough pain to endure a lifetime. Out of all my nieces and nephews. Out of all my patients, I have never once met a child who's suffered as much as Mini D with that being said, as much as I know she's hurting, I still don't know the extent of the hurt she endured. There's so much of her past that Derek and I have to figure out. Kayleigh being one of these things.

"You have one," I tell her sternly. "You have a family. You have me. You have Derek. You have your Aunt Amelia and you even have Mark. Together we are a family. We may not be perfect but no family ever is." I remind her. "You have to remember that. I am betting Kayleigh's family probably isn't perfect either no matter how much she may lead on that it is. The most important part to being a family is that we love each other. That's all that matters. I along with Mark, Derek, and you Aunt Amelia love you unconditionally because we do, you have no need to be jealous over Kayleigh's family, when you have a family that loves you unconditionally."

Julia looks at me unsure as she twirls a piece of hair around her finger timidly.

"You guys love me?" Her eyes widen as if a light went off throughout her body.

"More than you can ever imagine," I pull her close, her fragile body dents into mine. "I hate seeing you hurting." I admit with my arms wrapped tightly around her middle. I wonder if the longer and tighter I held on to her for, the less she'd be hurting. Just in case this is true, I squeeze Mini D closer. "Derek and I would do anything for you. You know that right?"

"You would?" Mini D raises her eyebrows, sitting up straighter to get a better look at me. I nod. "Well…could you…um…Kayleigh's in the hospital. Could you come see her with her with me?"

"Of course. I'd love too." I kiss Julia's temple as we both get up off the sofa.

"There's just one thing maybe I should tell you…" She informs me while placing her smaller palm in my out stretched hand.

My emerald brown eyes meet Julia's blue ones, which are now sparkling. As we start out of my office, I can only begin to wonder what she's going to tell me. Knowing Julia, this could be anything.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: I worked hard on this chapter. I hope it's worth the wait. ****  
**

**I also want to thank y'all for the follows, favourites, and reviews. They make my day. :) I am every grateful for every single on of my supporters. **

**Especially, AmyHale, and IWillWaitForYou. They have given me so many amazing ideas for this fic. I have no idea where I would be without them. :) **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight **

I've heard that it's possible to grow up—I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go out way, we whisper secrets with out best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope—against all logic, against all experience. Like children we never give up hope.

**- Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy **

_I'm at Little Flower residential home, sitting on my bed and trying to focus on my homework. It's a bunch of math problems I don't understand. Kayleigh normally helps me with my math problems because she is two grades higher than me. Except today she isn't here. Kayleigh's hardly ever here anymore. Sometimes she's gone for over nights. I hate when she isn't here over night. That's the worst because I have to sleep in my bed alone. It scares me, so I always sleep with the light on. Nathan doesn't like me sleeping with the light on. He says that lights out mean lights out. I really don't like the dark. It's not because of the monsters living under my bed. It's because of the ones in my nightmares. When Aunt Amelia wasn't out at nighttime or when the mean man wasn't there, I always ended up crawling bed with her because I felt safer. I like sleeping with someone rather than by myself. Kayleigh and I share a bed every single night because she doesn't like sleeping by herself either. We count sheep together until we fall asleep. I never know when Kayleigh is coming back anymore. She leaves sometimes in the middle of the day and then doesn't come back for a while. When I ask her where she's been, Kayleigh doesn't tell me. She just starts talking about Dr. Montgomery. I HATE when she talks about Dr. Montgomery, especially after she told the other kids that Dr. Montgomery isn't real. I HATE Dr. Montgomery too because I'm beginning to think maybe she just might not be real. Kayleigh doesn't even know Dr. Montgomery and she told all the kids she doesn't think she's real. I don't understand why she talks about her all the time. I should be the one talking about her. It hurts me to talk and think about her and with Kayleigh talking about her it just makes everything worst. Plus when Kayleigh talks about Dr. Montgomery it's mostly bad stuff anyways. That's why I HATE Dr. Montgomery and I HATE when Kayleigh talks about her. _

"_You have to come see my room!" Kayleigh's voice echoes from the hallway. She sounds excited about something. My heart starts beating faster as I look up from my math homework to see our bedroom door being pushed open. "This is my side," Kayleigh points to her bed as people that look like a mommy and daddy follow her into the room. I notice Nathan standing in the doorway. "And those are where we keep our clothes and stuff," Kayleigh points over to the dresser which sits between our beds. "And that's Julia my best friend," Kayleigh points to me. I look back up at the two people who entered the room with Kayleigh. I decided not to smile at them just in case they where a new mommy and daddy who were going to take Kayleigh away. "I'm Samantha and this is Cal," The mommy introduces herself to me and then points to the daddy standing in the room. "Kayleigh's talked a lot about you. It's nice to finally meet you." She smiles and Cal nods. "Sam and Cal are going to be my new mommy and daddy," Kayleigh announces. "So you're leaving?" My eyes widen and my pencil drops out of my hand and onto the floor. "Yeah, we just came to get my stuff. Don't worry. Sam and Cal said if they aren't working I can come here and see you on weekends sometimes." Kayleigh informs me, while Nathan walks over to our closet and looks for something I assume Kayleigh can pack her things in. "But who's going to help me with my math homework?" I ask, looking back down at the unfinished work sheet in front of me. "Ask one of the bigger kids to do it," Kayleigh instructs me. "Because your homework is baby stuff anyway." I frown at that statement. Just because she had a family now, it wasn't fair of her to be mean. Kayleigh notices I'm unhappy and comes over and sits on my bed. "You'll get better. Nobody needs math anyways," Kayleigh tries to make me feel better. Sam and Cal give each other looks. I eye Kayleigh like she's crazy. "Yes I do!" I shout angrily. "I need math to become a doctor. The teacher said I did." Kayleigh shakes her head. I don't know why she's doing so. "Speaking of doctors," She says changing to subject. "Now that I live in the city, we will have a better chance of finding Dr. Montgomery." My eyes like up at this. "You promise you'll try and find her?" I ask hopefully. Kayleigh nods. "I promise. But no matter what happens we will always be best friends okay?" Kayleigh pulls me in for a hug and I hug her back tightly. Nighttime was going to be very scary to do now that Kayleigh wasn't going to be here anymore. And why was it that everyone I love gets taken away from me? _

Since Ainslie left when I was three, I've spent the last 10 years of my life being bounced back and forth throughout numerous homes within the social service system. Without having the stability of parents in my life and due to the amount of trauma I experienced as a child, I was forced to grow up rather quickly. I didn't have parents to confide in so I made my own rules: 1) Don't become attached, 2) Avoid telling the truth, 3) Don't trust people, 4) Keep a wall up at all costs and lastly, 5) Don't get your hopes up to high. These rules became my parents. They taught me right from wrong and gave me guidance when I was stuck. I turned to these rules for support. Due to the rules I developed, I became distant to so many people and my mind became lost. Over time, the sense of belonging and the feeling of love became foreign languages to me as my list of rules left me to feel like death. Dark. Cold. Twisty. It was as if something or someone other than me was controlling my mind. Or it's as if these rules put me under a spell. A spell that no matter how hard I try, I can't break free from. Even now, I feel like my mind is still being controlled. But it's getting better. It's started to get better ever since I walked though the doors of Seattle Grace Hospital for the first time. It's been starting to get better since Derek and Addison came into my life. For once in my life, I don't have to been the parent. I have actual parents and because of this, they make me feel like a child again. To be honest being a child again is something I am terrified of. So many bad things happened to me when I was little that I'm scared they might happen again. I'm scared to be a kid. You see, being a kid involves breaking all my rules and I just can't do that yet—well at least with Derek and Addison anyway. For some reason, I feel as if I am becoming to close to them. I'm scared that if I get closer to them, they might not want me anymore. I need them to want me. Because if they want me, then they love me. I need them to love me because it's been so long since I've been able to feel loved. It's been so long since I've been able to feel like I belong. If I belong to Derek and Addison then that would mean I'm their daughter. That would mean I wouldn't have to be an adult anymore. That would mean that I am their kid. If I didn't have these stupid rules holding me back, right now I would give anything to be their daughter.

"Mini D, what the hell was that?" Addison demands.

Her heals click upon the linoleum tiles as she charges after me out of Kayleigh's hospital room and towards the elevators.

I choose to ignore her, while jamming my finger repeatedly into the elevator button.

Today has just gone from bad to worst. At this point all I want to do is go home. When the elevator gets here, I plan on going back down to the surgical ward, finding Mark and demanding that he take me home. I honestly don't think I would be able to sit through the thirty-five minute car ride with Addison lecturing me, considering how pissed off she is right now.

"You need to go back in there and apologize to Kayleigh." Addison's voice scolds me.

"Hell no," I mutter. After what happened earlier, I never want to see Kayleigh again, let alone go apologize to her.

I feel Addison's fingers grasp tightly around my arm as she spins me around to face her. She's absolutely furious. "_Excuse me_?" Addison exaggerates, her eyes burning. Flames spiraling through them.

"I'm not going back in there. I'm not apologizing," I say stubbornly, attempting to turn back around.

"You told your best friend that her parents adopted her not because they wanted her but because they felt sorry for her being sick. Seriously Mini D? That girl's about to get a brain tumor removed tomorrow—and you say that? Words can't even describe how upset she is right now."

"What about what she said to me Addison? Do you even care about that? Does that even matter?" I interrogate her rather hurtfully.

"Not at this point." Addison's response takes me offhand. My body tingles.

I admit that some pretty nasty things were said between Kayleigh and I. I shouldn't be getting all the blame though. But, since Kayleigh is the sick one, she's obviously done nothing wrong. It's been that way since we were kids; I've always been the one getting all the blame. Ever since Kayleigh's gotten sick, she's could always get people to feel sorry for her. Addison and I were in that hospital room for less than 10 minutes and already Kayleigh has her wrapped around her finger. It isn't fair.

"I sat and watched the lies roll off your tongue. You lied to her Julia." Addison's lips press tightly together as she pauses, trying to control her anger. "You lied to her about Derek. You _lied_ to her about me. You _lied _to her about us." Her words absorb into my body like razors blades sinking in to my skin.

Addison didn't understand. I had to lie to Kayleigh. I had no choice. She wouldn't let Derek fix her otherwise.

"I don't feel sorry for you one bit." Addison spits her anger and fury out at me. "Because if I remember correctly, you're the one that came looking for Derek. You're the one that wanted this family. Derek and I didn't get any say. You dug your grave. Now you lay it."

I'm bleeding now. Except, I can't let Addison know. I swing my body around to face the large aluminum doors in front of me. Waiting endlessly for the elevator to come.

"I'm going to get Mark to take me back to the trailer." I stare emotionlessly ahead of me. My body's hollow. Nothings made sense since I stepped off the airplane earlier today. It's a scary possibility thinking that Addison might not want me. My last bit of hope is vanished. There's nothing left inside me anymore.

* * *

Mindless chatter fills my ears. Attendings. Residences. Interns. Nurses. They're scattered everywhere around the cafeteria. Separated throughout the tables by their scrubs, by their ranks, by their statuses, by their departments. Pediatrics. Psychiatrics. Oncologists. Maternity. Surgery. The scrub filled bodies out number the patients and visitors moulded within the mass. Mark's figure stands out among the crowd. His dark blue scrubs are mixed with Callie's light blue ones; both cradling melted coca beans in their palms.

I pass by the table Meredith's sitting at on the way over to Mark's. Her legs are entangled against another man's—one whom has no status, no scrubs. One who isn't my father. A hand rests upon the man's arm—her hand. Her grayish blue eyes glisten with laughter, ever so deeply absorbed into his. My heart skips a beat. She's with somebody else, somebody other than my father. This almost seems to good to be true. Within seconds I feel my body plop into a wooden chair, between the two of them. I learn forward, my arms resting on the table.

"Hi!" I greet Meredith and the mystery man, in a rather bubbly manner. It's my attempt to be more likeable. The last thing I want to do is scare mystery man away.

"Um hi," Meredith dulls back, in confusion and unwantedness.

"So who are you?" I blurt out, unable to control my curiosity. My own eyes are now attached to the mystery man's along with Meredith's. I flutter my eyelashes, smiling the biggest smile I possibly can.

"I'm Finn," the man introduces himself to me. "Who are you?" He asks, playing along. Maybe I'm making this whole likable thing a bit too obvious.

"Mini D," I pipe, cheerfully without realizing how childish and stupid my answer just was. Mini D? Seriously?

"Your parents named you Mini D?" Finn raises an eyebrow.

"Well no. They…my mom…Ainslie named me Julia but everyone calls me Mini D." I had always wondered why my mom named me Julia, if maybe there was some significance behind the name.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" Meredith grunts, hinting for me to leave.

"No not really," I shake my head, placing my hands pleasantly on my lap. "Are you guys dating?" I pry for answers, loving ever minute of it. The distasteful look upon Meredith's face is so worth it.

"Finn's my dogs vet," Meredith mumbles, not giving me the answer I wanted to hear.

"So you're not dating?" I revise my question, my face mopes in disappointment.

"We are," Finn answers this time. His white teeth from within his smile glisten.

"Since when do you have a dog?" I bombard Meredith with more unwanted questions.

"I don't any more. He's still my dog. He just doesn't live with me." Meredith tries to explain.

I look at her confused. Her explanation didn't help any. "Then where does he live?"

"Derek didn't tell you?" Meredith seems shocked.

"Tell me what?" I criticize back.

"That he and Addison took Doc." Doc? A dog? That was my surprise. What where Derek and Addison thinking? I hate dogs. I hate everything that has to do with dogs.

"You don't look happy," Meredith points out noticing the petrified look on my face.

"I hate dogs," I whisper, my body trembling as I get up to go find Mark.

I remember, the foster home I stayed at after Kayleigh left Little Flower. I was moved there because I needed something more stable in my life. There was a basement there. The mold, the must, the smell inside it was horrible. Everything about the basement was terrifying. Horrible. Frightening. And those dogs. _Those dogs_.

* * *

"You're a man-whore. You can't help it." I catch the end of Callie's sentence as I approach the table. "And the nurses. Well I don't see what there problem is. I mean you and I did it—numerous times and it was good. Really good."

"Torres—" Mark starts when he notices me observing the conversation.

I raise my eyebrows. First it's Meredith and Finn. Now it's Mark and Callie. Could this day get anymore interesting?

Callie cuts him off, ignoring his anxious stares. "You're a sex addict Mark and that's completely understandable."

"TORRES-" Mark raises his voice, his eye's shift over to me.

Callie glances up in my direction, her cheeks blushing. "Oh. Um. Hi!" She awkwardly takes note to my appearance.

"I want to go home," I demand, not paying attention to Callie's greeting. I couldn't care less to be honest. "Can you drive me home?" I cross my arms over my chest.

"I…Mini D…" He stumbles, lost in a train of thought. Mark's shocked with my reaction. He's shocked that I'm not upset about him and Callie.

"Please Mark?" I beg. "I don't want to be here anymore."

"You've only been back a day and already Derek and Addison are mad at you? What did you do?" He eyes me, curiously.

"What makes you think _I _did something? " I command, even though he knows he's right. I'd rather not tell him the truth. I don't want him pissed off at me along with Derek and Addison. That's the last thing I need right now. "I just want to go home."

Mark laughs. "I'm not stupid Mini D."

"I've been here over 12 hours. I haven't slept in days. I'm tried." I make up an excuse. Any excuse. I can't let him know that I'm having second thoughts about living with Derek and Addison. I can't. "Are you going to take me home or not?" I order.

Mark sighs as he stands up from his chair. He looks at me worried. "You're not sleeping?"

I can't bring myself to answer Mark's question. I hate myself for letting the whole not sleeping thing slip. I'm exhausted. I truly am. Except I can't tell Mark what's going on. I can't tell him the truth. I'm afraid. I'm thirteen years old and afraid of the dark. The nightmares. The night terrors. The darkness. The basement. And those dogs. _Those Dogs._ It's all so terrorizing.

* * *

The rain continues to pour down around me, dripping off the ends of the canopy that is covering the deck. The droplets sing as they fall upon the ground. Inside the trailer the dog barks joining in the chorus. My body shakes, my hands tremble at the thought of the dog inside. That dog. _Those dogs_. I hesitate. I can't go inside. I'm not sure if I should knock or let myself inside. I can't. That dog is in there. _Those Dogs_.

They're the only thought that's in my head right now. They're the only things I see. The three rotwilers. The dark basement. Those sharp teeth. The drool. My teeth begin to chatter as it begins raining harder. I'm cold. I'm wet and oh shit! I left my clothes in Meredith jeep. I have to go inside. I didn't have another choice.

I lift my hand, banging it against the trailers door. One. Two. Three knocks. The door opens. Derek doesn't say anything as he lets me into the trailer. He's angry. I know that much. I can feel it. I'm scared to look at him. I'm scared of what is going to happen. My eyes go to the yapping dog. He charges at me. I scream, my hand reaches for the door knob and suddenly, I'm outside again, all happening within a blink of an eye. I close my eyes, breathing hard as I lean back against the cold hard metal of the trailer.

"Mini D," Derek's voice fills my ears.

The basement. The darkness. The cold. _Those dogs_. _Those dogs_. _Those dogs._ I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting everything to go away. Just make everything go away.

"Mini D." It's Derek again. Except I can't see him. All I see is the basement, the darkness, and those dogs. _Those dogs._

The door opens and Derek steps out onto the deck. "Mini D." I can't see him. I can hear him. But I can't see him. Where is he?

A hand clasps my shoulder. I flinch. I jump. I shriek swinging the hand off me. _Please let me out of here._ The darkness. The basement. _Those dogs_. _That Man_. Who was that man? I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember. Please let me out of here. Please make everything go away. I try to take a breath. I can't. My chest is caving in.

Panic.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

It's hard to do. But I have to keep trying.

"Julia," Derek calls me by my real name this time. "Julia."

Don't call me that Daddy. I'm not Julia. I'm your Mini D. I want to be your Mini D. I don't want to be Julia anymore.

_Daddy, please make it stop_. _Make everything stop_.

I'm suddenly able to hear the rain around us. I'm able to see Derek standing in front of me. I look at his matching eyes while I struggle for breaths of air_._

_ I'm right here daddy._ _I'm here. I'm right here_. _Hold me Daddy. Please hold me. Keep me safe. I'm scared. I'm so scared. Those dogs. I can't breathe_. _Please Daddy. _

The darkness. The basement "I can't breathe," I croak out. "I—can't—breathe."

My legs drop from under me. My hand clenches my stomach. My body slides down the side of the cool aluminum trailer and into a crouching position. Derek slides down with me. Except, he doesn't hold me. I want him to hold me because I'm scared. I'm so scared. Why doesn't he hold me? What the hell happened in that basement?

* * *

I step out of the bathroom, freshly showered, dressed in a pair of black yoga shorts, a white and blue stripped tank top and a black _Abercrombie and Fitch_ zip up hoodie. My face is make up free, with my pile of messy hair put up in a somewhat lop sided bun, a white cloth headband is wrapped around the top of my head. While Aunt Amelia and I were shopping in Maine, Addison had also done some shopping here for me too. My new clothes were neatly hidden within the benches of the kitchen table, which acted as storage bins as well. Who knew a kitchen table could be a table, a bed and a closet all in one?

"Feeling better?" Derek asks me, looking up from the piece of paper he's holding.

I nod as I slide upon the bench across from him. The table separating us is covered with papers. From inside Derek's bedroom, Doc barks, making my body jump.

"He's not going to hurt you," Derek ensures me, seeing the nervous look upon my face.

I nod again, not believing him. Things have gotten better though. After my panic attack, I stayed outside while Derek gave Doc Gravol and put him in his and Addison's bedroom. I eventually made my way inside the trailer, Derek called Addison to ask if she could stop by Meredith's and get my stuff on her way home and I went straight to the shower, staying in it until I couldn't hear Doc's darks anymore.

"What are you doing?" I wonder, curiously.

From across the table, Derek hands me a stack of stapled papers. Custody papers. I flip through the package of papers. My eyes land on the words, Child Wishes Assessment.

"What are these for?" I whisper, even though the writings clear, I have to hear Derek say it out loud.

"Our final evaluation is Thursday. Janet is coming to meet with Addison and I. You're 13, you're old enough to give consent. Janet wants this paper work filled out by the time she comes. If you want me to have custody of you, Janet wants you to sign the papers as well." Derek explains.

I feel frozen, with the papers in my hands. Everything's cold. Nothing's moving. I stare down at the papers. This is all coming real. It's what I have wanted for as long as I could remember. Except, now that it's here, the thought of me finally having a family is frightening. I can't handle being hurt all over again, like with what happened with Aunt Amelia. Everything is happening to soon. Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me wants to sign the papers right away. The other parts scared. It's afraid of what might happen if I do sign the papers. _You would be better off by getting adopted from parents that actually love you_. Kayleigh's words run through my head. _Derek and I didn't get a say_. Addison's words sting to my skin. Razors. I don't know what to do. Maybe Kayleigh's actually right for once. Maybe I would be better off with a family that actually wants me. Maybe Kayleigh is right.

"What would happen if I didn't sign?" I question Derek.

"Then the court process would become more complicated. What happens in court all depends on if I get approved."

"Can I have a minute?" I stand up from the table. My chest feels like it's caving in again. "I need to get some air."

Derek nods as I step out of the trailer and onto the wooden deck. It scratches against my bear feet. The rain still compels around me. I take a deep breath, stepping off the deck and landing in the muddy wet moist grass. Thump. Thump. Thump. One after the other my feet begin running, carrying my body along with them. They lead me away from the trailer, away from the grass, and into the woods. All I want is to escape. To disappear. To not be here anymore. To not be anyone anymore.

* * *

As I approach the trailer, I hear yelling. I notice Addison's car is parked in the yard. It's a Lexus. She got it to replace the Porsche I crashed. I climb up onto the deck as the shouting gets louder.

"You got Meredith to pick Julia up from the airport?" Addison shouts, the dog barks, and I close my eyes.

I thought maybe this family could work. I was going to sign the papers, but now, now I'm not so sure anymore.

"Addison I—" Derek tries to explain. His voice rises above hers.

"You knew I wanted to pick her up Derek. I thought you and I were going to pick her up. I thought we were going to do things today as a family. We were going to show Mini D that we could be a family!" Addison explodes.

This whole family thing is never going to work. Rain fills my eyes. Puddles. I can't cry. I pinch myself again. I can't cry. I can't cry. I was stupid for getting my hopes up in the first place.

"You got called into surgery Addison, you had to go." Derek argues, defending himself. Nothing's new. "I had a consult, which just so somehow happened to be Julia's best friend from New York. Meredith was on my service. I asked her."

"You know I would have cancelled surgery Derek. But you talked me into going in because _you_ wanted to pick Julia up yourself. And your consult wasn't until later. You scheduled it later so we could go pick Mini D up as a family." Addison counteracts, fuming.

"She showed up earlier. It wasn't my fault—"

"I can't do this Derek!" Addison cuts him off. Her screams are muffled with sobs. I put my hands over my ears.

"I can't do this. I try Derek. I try so hard. I'm trying to make things work for us. I'm trying to make things work for your daughter. You call me Satan and Julia, the harder I try, she just pushes me away. She denied us today. She denied us as her parents—to her best friend."

"That's because your not her mother," Derek shoots back quickly in his defense. "You're Satan."

Addison gasps as everything becomes completely silent. Derek hasn't realized what he just said. He hasn't realized that I am now standing the kitchen. My body's aching. My scars are coming to life. The door to the trailer slams behind me. Derek and Addison's eyes land on me, my sterile body. I'm unable to move. I'm unable to think. I'm unable to breathe.

There's no way I can sign the custody papers now. With what Addison said, with what Derek said. There was no way we could be a family anymore. That scary possibility I had earlier, of Addison not wanting me, everything's now true and I…I feel empty. Extremely empty. Derek wasn't going to get to be my dad. Addison wasn't going to get to be my mom. Everything is now non-existing and empty. Extremely empty.

* * *

"You can sleep here," Mark opens the door to his hotel room at the Archfield Hotel. He points to the large king sized bed. It's huge. The whole room is huge. At least three times bigger than the trailer on the middle of nowhere land. "I'm going to call Derek and let him know you're here." Mark tells me, taking out his blackberry. "I'll be over at Callie's if you need anything. Her room is just down the hall."

"You're not sleeping here?" My eyes widen, petrified.

I didn't want him to leave me alone, especially with the awful thoughts that have been running through my head. I look around the overly large hotel room and then back to Mark. I didn't want to be alone. The darkness. Everything scared me. I couldn't tell Mark that. He wouldn't understand.

"There's only one bed Mini D. You're 13. You'll be fine. Callie's room is just down the hall."

Mark closes the hotel room door and I'm left alone.

Within seconds, I collapse to the floor in a pile of tears. Waterfalls. They're uncontrollable.

I remember it now. The darkness. The basement. Those dogs. The metal stringed bed. The cold cement floors. The chains. The rats. The mold. The must. The horrible things that happened inside. I feel so dirty. So monstrous. I just want to forget. I just need to forget.

I scream, digging my nails into my scalp as I charge towards the bathroom, unstoppable. A monster. I pound my fists into the glass door of the medicine cabinet. The glass doesn't break. I know I could open the door, but that's too easy. I need the glass to break. I pound them into the mirror, harder and harder. The glass breaks. I jam my hands upon it, over and over again. The mirror falls apart into little pieces. They stick into my hands. They're bleeding.

I need this all to stop. I just want to forget. Everything. I want to forget everything.

I reach into the cabinet and grab the first bottle of pills I see. It's a yellowy orange colored bottle. They're prescription. I don't care. I throw five pills into my mouth, shaking hands. The bottle slips, the beige colored circles go everywhere. I cave onto the bathroom tiled floor with the colored circles surrounding me, sobbing hectically.

All I want is for the pain to end. I want everything to go away.I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere.

* * *

I bang on Callie's hotel room door.

My eyes are spinning. My body's numb. I don't know what's happening. Everything is moving so fast. The colors are so vibrant.

Mark answers the door in black boxers and a grey tee shirt. He flicks Callie's hotel room light on. He sees my hands. My blood shot eyes. He's speechless. I open my mouth to tell him, to tell him what I want to remember, except I can't.

"I don't know what to do anymore." I tremble. "They broke lose. They tied me up. I couldn't get away. I had too." I sniff. "They're coming." My words are all jumbled. They're not making sense.

"Who tied you up? Whose coming?" Mark eyes me, nervously.

I want to tell Mark what happened in the basement but my words won't come. I can't remember. All I remember are the dogs. They were coming at me. Then I don't remember. I don't remember what happens. The pills worked. The pills worked.

"Those dogs. They're coming." Everything is mismatched. Misplaced. It doesn't seem right.

Suddenly my whole body flips. Sweat drips down my face. I dash into Callie's bathroom. Vomit explodes everywhere.

"Oh Mini D what did you do?" Mark crouches down beside me. His eyes ache. I vomit again.

I lift my head, out of the toilet and look at him with poignant, swimming eyes. He researches for my hands, full of glass, blood and vomit.

"Don't tell Derek and Addison," I plea softly. "I didn't want to be here anymore. You can't tell Derek and Addison. You can't."

Trains fall down my cheeks. I want this to be over. It's all so terrifying. Mark wraps his hand around mine. With his free hand, his thumb wipes away some descending drops. I feel a hand pull my hair back. Another rubbing my back. They're different hands. My head goes back inside the toilet. I vomit again, again and again. It hurts. Everything hurts.

* * *

Somebody's rocking me back and forth, back and forth. I'm smothered into her body, trying to control my shrieks.

It hurts. Oh god it hurts.

Tweezers go into my palms. The glass comes out. The stitches go in.

She sings to me in Spanish. Words to a song I don't understand. The more she sings, the harder I cry. I feel helpless. I'm a baby. I'm a little girl. I'm just a little girl. The singing isn't helping. She's not helping.

I want my stepmother. I want Addison. I want my mom. My mom isn't here. I don't know where she is. She doesn't want me. Addison doesn't want me. She isn't coming either.

I want to be somebody's little girl. But I'm not.

Nobody is coming. Nobody is coming for me. Nobody wants me.

I'm not a little girl. Not anymore. I stopped being a little girl along, long time ago.

The needle stabs into my skin. I squeal in pain. So much pain.

Everything becomes fuzzy, a blur. It's as if I'm not even here anymore. Everything's gone. There's nothing left except darkness. Internal horrifying darkness. It's surrounding me, caving me in.

Please Daddy, make it stop. Make the hurting stop. Make everything stop. Daddy please. I want to be your little girl. Let me be your little girl. You're all I have left, Daddy. You're all I have left.

* * *

Something's being thrown at me. I groan, burying my head deeper into the pillow. My head pounds, my throat burns. Everything's a blur. My eyes water, my stomach kills. I'm being shaken. I cover my head with the pillow closest to me.

"Mini D." Mark's voice speaks softly into my ear.

I groan again, throwing the blankets surrounding me over my head. What the hell is Mark doing here at the trailer at this godly hour? Couldn't he let me sleep?

"Mini D," Mark repeats. He shakes me. I push him off, curling myself into a ball. I didn't feel good. I just want him to leave alone. I just want him to go away. I want him to go get Addison. She'll make everything better. She always does.

"Go away," I murmur into the covers. "I don't feel good. I want Addison. Go away."

"Derek called. Kayleigh refuses to go into surgery without you being there." I feel Mark sink into to the mattress. I don't remember the table bed being this soft or the sheets being this white or everything around me feeling so strange.

"I don't care. I don't want to see her. I hate her. Go away."

Mark's hand rubs my back in circles. Why's Mark being so caring? "Derek can't postpone her surgery anymore. She needs to get it done today. There are no later times available."

"It's too early Mark," I rub my watery eyes. They burn.

"It's 2:00 in the afternoon Mini D." Mark informs me.

2:00 in the afternoon? Where did the time go? I press down on the mattress and a stinging sensation empowers me. I jerk my body upwards, to look down to my hands. They're both bandaged. I blink several times, staring straight ahead into the bathroom, realizing I'm not at the trailer. I'm not anywhere near the trailer.

"Where am I?" My eyes widen as I look around the room.

"Callie's hotel room. Don't you remember?"

I shake my head. "Everything's just a blur."

"Things were pretty bad last night Mini D. We almost had to take you to the ER. You don't remember anything?"

I glance back towards the bathroom as bits and pieces of last night begin to form inside my brain. So many parts were so confusing. They didn't make sense. They couldn't be understood. My out bursts have never been that bad before. My eyes dart back towards Mark, my face flushed in embarrassment.

"Do Derek and Addison know?" I wonder. I don't know why them not knowing matters to me so much. I mean, they don't want me. It's not like they would care.

"Are you going to tell them?"

Mark shakes his head. "I'm not going to tell him. You are Mini D."

I grunt flopping back down back down on the mattress. "I can't tell them Mark. They'll tell Aunt Amelia and Aunt Amelia will hate me."

"That's what your worried about?" Mark's stunned. "You are worried about Amy hating you? You attempted to overdose last night. Derek and Addison's relationship is hanging on by strings, no correction; it's hanging on by you. Your best friend is about undergo surgery in an hour and your worried about Amy hating you?"

"I didn't try and kill myself," I yell at him. Needles stab my chest. Thousands of them.

"Don't give me that bull," Mark counteracts back at me. "The drowning. The roof. And now this? Something's not right Mini D."

I didn't try to kill myself. I only took five pills. I just wanted to forget. I mean the pills worked for Aunt Amelia. She didn't try to kill herself when she took them. They worked for her. They could work for me too.

"I'm fine Mark!" I huff, rolling out of bed. "I'll go to the hospital. I'll go see Kayleigh. Happy now?" I holler, slamming the bathroom door.

Except I'm not fine. Mark knows I'm not fine. I have to be fine because I'm already fucked up enough.

My skin felt like it was squirming inside me. My eyes, about to pop out of my head. I can't take it anymore. This craving. This horrible, horrible craving. I just want to forget. _Those Dogs_. I just want to forget. I want Grownup candies. I need grownup candies. Desperately. They helped Aunt Amelia forget what happened to her father. They'll help me forget too. I just want to forget. I'll do anything to forget.


End file.
